can i justify?

so... there are some things i want to buy... like... a phantom of the opera ipod case.... phantom of the opera keychain.... and Avril Lavigne's 5th CD which came out in 2013.... THAT I DON'T HAVE.

i have the other 4....

ugh.

and its only $8!!!!

uuuugh.

its the cheapest out of the three things.

but.

i just paid $95 dollars to join the national scholars society.

and i still have to have health insurance taken out. with gas.

so i have...

331
 health insurance is 139

thats 192.

- 50 for gas

142.

-40 for helping out around the house.

102.
- 20 for food money at work.

thats 82.

so....i have 82 dollars.....


yyyeeeeeaahhhhhhh i'm gonna splurge. i'm bad.

here i am stressing about money and i'm about to splurge on amazon.

so i'm getting:

- poison princess (the book that went missing :( )
-avril lavigne CD
-dead of winter (book 3 that came out....)


its gonna cost 25$...... everything included.

damn.

uuuugh..


i'll have the panic attack later. i'm going to hit the "place your order button" before i can talk myself out of it.

its done.

money spent.

so. officaly i will have 331 - 25 = 306 - 139 = 167.... when i get to the 167 (should go through on the 5th) then i'll have my regretful self-loathing party and panic attack.

then i'll promise not to blow so much money until the next wave of "oh gosh i have to have it" hits me.


but notice!

i didn't buy the phantom of the opera stuff.
not did i buy the "gay pride and prejudice" i'm dieing to have.

along with so many other books i'm dieing to have.

i showed some restraint.

A fever you can't sweat out pt 2

So fever was 101 this morning. At work I took 2 ibuprofen and about an hour into my shift I thought I was going to faint. But by 11:30 I felt alright, not all better but now like I was dieing. 

Got home and my temp was 97.6 :)

But I was exhausted and my stomach hurt so I went to sleep.

3 hours later.... In covered in sweat and feel feverish so I take my temp. 102.4

So I take 2 aspirin and when mom gets home I take 3 Tylonol. And then soak in a cool bath for an hour. My temp went back to 101.

Now my stomach hurts again. I tried eating but it didn't help. Feels like I'm being punched in the stomach from the inside over and over again.

And I'm sweating again. 😪😩😷

A fever you can't sweat out

So I woke up at 4;45 this morning after going to bed at like... 12. Wide awake... I couldn't fall back asleep because my body was too hot and the air was too cold. Even though I didn't have the fan on.

I eventually fell back asleep until 7 when I got ready and went to give a tennis lesson. I had to end that short because I was dizzy. REALLY dizzy. I came home not even 10 minutes and was passed out on my bed.

It was like I was drugged. My head was so heavy and it was like my eyes were the center of the weight, I could feel them in the back of my skull.

I slept for at least 3 hours. Everytime I woke up I was drenched in sweat.

I got up and in the shower, and I was fine for about 2 hours. Hot but fine. 

Then I felt the heavy druggedness again.

Mom called and I meantioned how I was feeling. She told me take my temp... 99.9.

That's after I had some cool tea and ice to drink about 15 minutes before.

Ugh. I can feel the heat radiating from my eyes and the base of my skull.

hannibal season 3 episode 3

lady shrink..... i like you. so classy. so smart.

hannibal is emotionally shaken by will's "forgiveness"


WILL IS AT CASTLE LECTER!!!!!??

hmmm info on lecter's mind palace...

who is the new asian lady? wait... O_O IS THAT HIS AUNT? no...shes too young...

thats a lot of salt hanni...

BUT IT CAME OUT BEAUTIFUL

ooh...thats the rude italian guy...yeah...de's gonna die. soon.

"served during their last dinner" eh. lady shrink's face. she knows.

that.was unexpected...... ugh. hannibal..lady shrink is right.....

you're being reckless.

JAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK IS BAAAAAAAAAAACK

aw....."not my house not my fire..i'm here for will grahm" good ol' jack.

that fountain scene with all the fireflies...makes me think of a fairy tale.

mischa...

will. you dumbass. you're gonna end up shot.

oh dear.what do we have here?
"i wouldn't do this to an animal"...i like her.

i love the opera music in this one. beautiful <3


i wouldn't mind him playing with my hair...that looks pleasant!

that was ballsy. "how did your sister taste?" *slowly slides into the water....* DAMN.

Will let him go? i thought he'd actually kill him.

WHAT!!???? THE GUY CAME BACK TO KILL SEXY ASIAN!? NO.
she will kill him. Will made that happen...heh. there has been a change in you young padawan...

girl. it was self defense...but willl's murder.


oh shit will. hannibal WOULD be proud of that.

"i have to eat him"


this will be interesting.

About damn time!

Ugh. I finally started....

But, as per usual...

The cramps got so bad at work by the end of my shift I actually curled up in a ball behind a register. 

Thankfully I got to go home early, change into some sweat pants, and veg on the couch. 

I have also discovered... I don't have a usual 28 day cycle .

Mine is 32 days. That's why my period tracker keeps saying in days late. 

Lol when I changed it from 28 to 32 it predicted when I started (today)  and was on POINT. 

Ugh... And I'm supposed to go to the beach on Wednesday....

And there have been shark attacks...

Ima be stuck to Corie like glue ._.

Feelings for Corie

Let me clarify something about last night's post: I do have some feelings for Corie. 

I like her as more than a friend. I'm just not head over heels. If I felt nothing toward her at all I wouldn't be with her.

I miss her when I don't see her for a while, like when she went to Pittsburg. 

I'm not totally cold toward her. 

I genuinely enjoy being with her.

When I say I'm not emotionally invested I just mean that I'm not in a puppy dog, googoo stage. I'm not head over heels. I'm not "😍 " all Corie all the time. 

I like hanging out with her

I like talking to her

I like just being around her.

But there are things that interphere:

-lack of chemistry with my mom/family

-the other girl that she is wildly in love with....

- I feel like Corie genuinely likes me. But at the same time she is just saying me because I'm here and to pass time.

And I'm fine with that. But that's why I can't get emotionally attached.

corie as of now (be careful what you wish for)

as of right now his is how i see my relationship with corie.


we are dating.
we are not married nor have we talked about commitment.


she is showing signs of emotional investment....

talking about taking me to texas,
wanting me to meet her mom
wanting me to meet her best friends in pittsburg


where as.... although i'm not ashamed of corie... i have no burning desire to introduce her to all of my friends...mainly because personalities wouldn't mix.
i wasn't eager to introduce her to my mom....SHE wanted to meet my mom (who although doesn't dislike her...doesn't particularly like her. shes neutral... doesn't feel any particular way)
i'll call corie my girlfriend but i'm not gushing about her all the time nor do i want to shout it from the roof tops.


iif i had to label how the relationship feels from my perspective... it would be more along the lines of a friends with benifits.


i'm drawn to Corie because she is intrgueing and msterious. She promises (not literally) adventure and new knowledge. She is playful and exciting.

and fun.

thats all this is to me. fun.

its nothing serious to me.
but i'm worried she may want it to be?

she is worried that she'll end up being used.

am i using her? i'm not intending to.

i'm learning things from her. in different areas.
i'm having fun with her.
we have intersting conversations.
whenever my labido is up the sex-stuff is good.



but its not serious for me.

i think after jake.... i'm in a transition.
and although i don't want to be alone in this time of transition i don't want to be in a serious relationship.

i don't think i can be.

i think after jake.... i can't emotionally commit.
at least not the way i use to.
it takes me a hell of a lot longer to develope feelings.

and you know what?
i'm fine with that.

i'm young.
i shouldn't be tied down right now.
i should be out having fun.


and to me thats all this is.
interesting, adventerous fun.

thats how i see corie.

i just have a feeling she wouldn't be to hapy to hear that.

but thts how it is for me.


now now now.... before you say i'm a horrible person and i'm leading her on....

i havn;t said i loved her.
we havn't talked about commitment.
we havn't talked about what we want out of the relationship...exactly.

i want to be with her. as of right now. i want to be with her because its fun.

but she really likes me. i can tell.

in a way it gives all the power to me, which is dangerous. so i will draw a line.

If she says the L word.... i'll cut this off.

i am not looking for love right now. It will find me when i'm ready.

right now? i'm just going with the flow and the flow brought me to corie. so thats where i am.


will she end up hurt? probably.
am i going to end it now? hell no.
does that make me a bad person? no. because right now we are both enjoying ourselves.

if the relationship starts to evolve i'll cross that bridge when we get there.

i'm enjoying myself....

i have spent all this time up till now trying to please others.

now its my turn. I'm letting faerie Lisa have her time.

and you know what? thats what corie wants. She wants me to embrace my faerie side... so she asked for this.

does she realy know what she asked for? no. have i tried to explain it to her? yes. it only intrigued her more...

so before you go and say i'm suing her and its bad.... i think she may be doing the same thing... only unlike me, her emotions are at play.


i'm having fun and i will continue to have fun until i get to that line i drew.  till then? go with the flow.

I' doing what corie wants.... i'm letting the faerie out.

cost calc 2 (refund spending calc + text book approx)

ok so if i get 1385.50 back from financial aid..... then text books which will cost...




if all are USED:

hatian voudoo 12.00 = 12
cuban revolution 18.75 =20
Oscar 13.50 = 15
parish behind gods back 15 = 15
eight theories of religion 29.95 =31
idea of the holy 12.75 = 15
R and his deciples 12.75 = 15
Nuer religion 33.75 =35
Imagining america 14.40 = 16
oceanography 136.05 (plus i'll have to buy a new code...so thats an extra 50 at LEAST) = 186 = 200
Vistas spanish 200.05 (+ extra code....extra 50 at LEAST) = 250 = 300

so:

12+20+15+15+31+15+15+35+16+200+300 = 674 = 700.


1385.5 - 700 = 685.5 = 685

at least 100 goes to my savings.
100 goes to opening another savins - USAA one.

thats 485

then i promised mom 2 new tires....
thats 100.
plus i need 2 new tires...
thats 100

now its 285.

that will be whats left over.... MAYBE.

and i still need to get school supplies and if i have any left over... a pair of good boots.


i never did get that wonderful bike i wanted :/

availability for fall 2015

monday: out by 3:15... so 4-9
tuesday: 7-1 class at 2 ..... DND/STUDY day?
wednesday: 4-9
thursday: 7-1
friday: out by 12.... DND/STUDY day?


so if she works me the full time i'm available and say.... 5 hours on both weekends i'll be working 28 hours.


thats a 364 paycheck.

however... if she woesn't work me to my full availability.... i'm fucking screwed.

i'm only working 4-9 because EVERY NIGHT i will have spanish homework.... plus whatever homework i'll have along with my other 5 classes.

fun.

PMS MOOD SWING WARNING

this is an unrelaiable blog post.

i am pms-ing. (yay mood swings)
and tired (yay no filter)

so i'm just going to word vomit.



I feel apathetic.
i feel dull and tired.
so i go to bed.

i can't sleep because i thought popped into my head.

"I havn't read Bree's blog in a while"

so i hop up and read.


it made me think

i am not emotionally devoted to anyone at the moment
i'm just going with the flow
and learning from the teachers Goddess Astarte i sending to me.

i'm still learning things in that arena.

i'm seeing things that are happening as lessons and i'm just going with it.

maybe there wil be a time when its right and she and i will eventually get together.

but now is not that time.


we talk off and on for a few years.
with snapchat it got better, which is awesome.

i love seeing her

but..

idk.

i'm in a time of transition.

learning.

i'm learning about sex and lust, which is interesting and very frustrating.

i'm re-awakening spiritually which is awesome but VERY VERY SLOW and i'm trying not to get frustrated.

i'm still in a cocoon right now.

and i think our time will come when i'm a butterfly.


but since i'm still in my chrysalis, i'm going to enjoy my lessons and go with the flow of knowledge coming to me.


  i will enjoy being a fuzzy adorable catepillar. i look forward to being a butterfly and what wil happen at that time is a mystery.

but for now i will enjoy life as it comes.... to the best of my ability.

and i hope she does the same.

(in hind sight i prolly should have ended the blog here....)


because life is short and it is meant to be lived.

if you don't enjoy life at leat a little bit, thats not living. its surviving.

so i will have fun in my warm cocoon and will patiently wait for my pretty wings.

i love to learn and its interesting.

each step at a time and what is meant to happen will.

enjoy life!
enjoy the now!


speaking of now.... now i need sleep.

word vomit.

Low labido reasons

So... My labido is showing a pattern. 

A high spike followed by sudden death.

I'll be horny for a week and then have no desire for longer.

Possible reasons?

- stress (financial issues)

-burned out/fatigue (working for a stretch or side effect of moon cycle)

- pressure (overthinking) 

-my medication (decrease labido isn't unheard of)

Now... How to explain this issue to Corie...

Symptoms of moon week

So.... Symptoms of my period:

-break out/acne 

- cramps 

- emotional/irritable

-bloating

- fatigue/tired all the time/low energy

-low labido (as a result of fatigue?)

I'm experiencing all of the right now.... In varying degrees.

Ugh I better start tonight... Or tomorrow 

cost calculating (refund calc)

OK so.

the cost of attendance for me is roughly...$6200 a semester.

thats 12400 for the year. i'm granted $15171 in financial aid.

so thats 2771 left over... devided by 2.... 1385.50 back each semester.


thats a LOT less than last year. :/

hannibal season3 episode 2

Primavera.... yummm


oh and there is will.... bleeding out again...

yay,

no.


abigail... the one death i wish i could hit hannibal for. damn him.

HE LIIIIIIIVES, hannibal you just killed his daughter in front of him....you're going down.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAABIGAAIIIILLL IS ALIVE??????? WHAAAATTTT????? YES. YES.YES.

damn. hanniabl you sly dog... they both lived xD

oh oh oh... Abigail blames will... damn. she really does love hannibal. and she wants will to find him...and take her with him.

oh will and your crazy dreams...

8 months later

yay he's with abigail!! an their looking for hannibal!

what is it mr. priest?

lol Will is snarky :3


oh look. a bloody carcas in a church...was that will or hannibal?

uh oh will, are you in trouble with the coppers? or are they asking for help?

AH! PATSI!

patsi patsi patsi...i didn't like you in the movie, the book, or the show. ick.

OOOHHHH Hannibal.... you are the monster of florence? i like that name.

ahh patsi and Will are going to team up?
what is his design will?

Hannibal left will his broken heart.

ugh. again with the moose thing.

ah . Abigail. so pretty and strong.

i can see why she wants to go with hannibal. he treated her kindly. hid her from the world.
no...

Abigail did die....


i bet you hannibal is wathcing.... watching right now...

I KNEW IT

...fuck you hannibal. she could have lived. fuck you.

...."he still here" for a second i thought the episode would end with that and i got pised ...for a second.

will. why are you alone. why? DUMBASS.

i half expected hannibal to come when called. tsk tsk tsk. cats don't come when called.

THIS IS MAKING ME ANXIOUS,

patsi is about to die...

LOL PATSI'S FACE...."fuck you dude... you scaed the shit outa me"

oh fuck.....ofuck ofuck ofuck

impossible.

Will you are a very good fisherman. Give him what he wants.... tell him what he wants to hear.... anything to get him on your hook again. very sneaky. very smart. i approve.... only if i can tell that you're just baiting him then he sure as hell can.

but maybe not.

if he underestimates your love for abigail.... and he loves you as much as i tink he does (which he does... its how you managed to change him just as he changed you) he may just believe you in spite of himself.


this is going to be good.



*** i'm still pissed about abigail though. She would have made him proud. (which him? both)
she trusted him.....them...and in a moment hannibal threw her away. I would dare to call it a temper tantrum. Hannibal lecter threw a temper tantrum.

smh.

I think that we are a thing?

So... I think Corie and I are a thing. 

We haven't talked about it but I think we are. 

Hm...

Faerie self

So... I feel sexy. I'm ready for my date tonight (oh yeah... Corie asked me out! This past.... Sunday?) and I look damn good. 

Knowing I look good makes me feel confident.

Feeling confident and sexy makes my faerie side come out. 

I feel like I could seduce the entire world with just my eyes...

It makes me feel powerful. 

I wonder if this is how the fae feel when they've got their sights on their prey...

Wings

So once, a while ago, when I was relaxed  at the computer a felt the sensation of wings. Heavy, big wings. It was so strong I could feel the air touching the feathers. If I flexed and could feel them move. But as soon as I tried to focus on them the feeling faded.

Just now I was daydreaming and dancing around and I felt it again. And it lingered!!! The only thing was that I couldn't tell if I was feeling wings or if my PSG was just hanging on my back. 

So I sat down cleared my mind and used my necklace as a pendulum to ask. He wasn't hanging on my back, which means wings!!!

This makes me wonder because as far as I know, I was an elfish looking being in my most recent past life (going from signs and the form my higher self took when I met her)

Why would I have angel wings?

hugs

so someone asked me why i wanted to hug them when i get to meet them. i had to really think about it and this is how i answered:

"lol so... back ground info: i have depressive bipolar, and when i would be depressed i NEEDED hugs. it provided comfort and physical touch to release endorphins to counter the depression. now i hug people to provide feelings of love and comfort becuase i don't know the secret battles they are fighting. even if they aren't? sending good vibes of love and acceptance is never a bad thing. plus when i hug people i get a strong sense of their energy and i am allowing for them to do he same if they wish. hugs to me are as essential as oxygen. and i want others to feel as loved as i do. OR i hug peole when i need to feel loved and accepted.

in your case, its to get a feeling of your energy and for you to get a feel for mine, as well as sending good happy/loving vibes your way.
i always like to start out a first impression with a wave of love"

THANK YOU (original poem for PSG)

I thank you for your love

I thank you for your help.

I thank you for being there

And helping me be myself.

I thank you for your time

I thank you for your grace.

I thank you even though

I know I cannot trace

Myself back to who I should be

I barley know who I am

But I know you are with me

Like a sheperd and the lamb.

Thank you for your kindness

And for your  gentle touch,

I may not notice all of them, 

But they truly mean so much.

Thank you for your patients,

I know I am pretty dense.

I need to know who I am, 

and who society makes me,

Please help me to know the difference.


**** i wrote this years ago, but recently it came back to my attention

hannibal S3 ep 1

so... idk if you remember but while i watched season2 of hannibal i blogged my responces....well. Season2 ended with the mother of all cliff hangers... you know...with jack and will bleeding out.... Alana dyeing in the front door way....


well. SEASON 3 IS FINALLY HERE

and this is episode 1's reactions:


antipasto.... thats an interesting name.

ugh. first comercial...and another one...



ah! lady shrink <3

HANNIBL ON A MOTORCYLE.... bye bye ovaries.

hehe.....hannibal found his next meal.

if this season is full of a  Italian? speaking, leather wearing hannibal i will be pleased.


poor lady.

HANNIBAL IN A TUX <3 <3

ah... Dr.Frell....

nope. sorry lady shrink the dumbass insulted hannibal.... he's gonna die.

ugh. i love her dress.

oh oh oooooohhhhh... naked hannibal.


lol i love th festive music of this cooking scene..

"i'm trying not to eat anything with a central nervous system" genius.

"is it that kind of party?" LOLOLOL HANNIBAL LOOKED AT HER LIKE "is it? :3 "


DAMN LADY SHRINK. hand down the guy's throat!! up to her elbow!

"i can help you...if you ask me to"....that sounded kinda sexy.

lady shrink is sweating when he talks about betrayal..... and she was purposefully trying to be on camera... she wants to be recognized.

oh? french man is playing along? even though he knows this isn't the real Dr. Frell? hmmmmmmm?
looks like hannibal found himself a friend.

but but but why? why kill the nice french man who is just as twisted you hannibal?

uh oh lady shrink.... whats up?

i'm likeing these flashbacks.

NOW SHOW ME WILL. AND ALANA.

ugh. it ended.

Guess who's back!

My primary spirit guide!!!!

I felt him today. Hugging my neck. Brushing my cheek. Floating around me.

It was amazing ❤️

Whaaaa?

So I hdon't my out with josh (who I haven't seen since sophomore year high school) 

And his mom gave me a hematite and amathyst bracelet. She also said my luck would get better. 

Guess what appeared OUT OF NOWHERE.

My tooth brush. 

Maybe my luck will turn around.

Missing stuff

My stuff is going missing and its pissing me off.

- tooth brush

- medicine case 

- make up bag

- headphones

This is getting rediculous. 

And it's pissing me off.