Tamw

That awkward moment when you can't sleep (even with your familiar cuddled up to you) because you had an unseen visitor. 

It was a small warmth that moved... My vision got really dark and clouded over the heated area and I could almost make out a shape. Almost.

 My first thought was : faerie. But then I'm like.."Nah, it's SG"

But it didn't feel like his warmth... His warmth is zingy... This warmth was smooth.

Guys... I think one of the wee folk that lives in my house came by me. I spoke to it.. And it actually listened for a bit. 

Guys.. It was in my face. I could FEEL it... The same way you can feel someone's hand in your face even if your eyes are closed.

Guys. 

Or I'm just half asleep and my mind is playing tricks on me.

Either way it's midnight and I'm going to try to go to sleep. Again.

Hannibal S3 Ep 7

once again poor will's head..

OH GODS. NO. JAAAAACKKKK....aaaand asian chick saves the day <3

lady asian..you are quite the mystery.

ah. margo and alana again <3 <3 <3

ugh. Mason you are such an eel. ew.

ough....transplant will's face on to yours...and use it to eat hannibal. ough. thats...poetic, though.

Hannibal likes cordell haha

HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Will bit cordell. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. idk wh i find that so funny.

"dont you worry doctor leter, you will always be cooked to perfection" - i actually think that was reassuring to lecter as much as amuesed him.

oh mason...if you only knew what was in store for you.... i have a feeling your end will match the books. heheheheh.

this is why i love hannibal lecter. he is telling Margo that he will take the blame for mason's death, just so she can have freedom and closure. helping his patient. ugh <3

Damn Alana. you've changed <3
of coarse its to help will ;)

"and i always keep my promises Alana" wait.... didn't he promise to murder alana? O.O

Mason you cruel sonofabitch.

HE ACTUAKKY TOOK WILLS FACE OH MY GOD

oh.lol.its cordell's face.

justice.

ok. i wasn't prepared for that death scene.

i miss my dogs, i'm not gonna miss you.......ouch.

"good bye hannibal" lecter looks like he is about to burst into tears...

whhhaaaaaaaaat? hannibal turns himself in???

oh i  get it. Will wanted hannibal to disappear, forever. out of his life. but with hannibal in prison, will will never be rid of him.

next episode: The great red dragon!

great.

Hannibal S3 Ep6

will you slip away with him?

thats a good question.

oooooh lady shrinkkkkk you have balls of STEEL

"you are his bird, i'm his bird too.
he puts us in cages, to see what we'll do"

sounds like a poem.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK NEEDLE.

the boys are back.

awwww reunions.... I SHIP THEM SO HARD

asian chick shot will to save hannibal.


...

Alana and Margo...

i'd ship it.

hannibal playing doctor....uuugh i ship them so hard!!!!!

and he blew on his soup...

that achillis heel man...

oh gods hannibal...no....no...

hello Mason....

Hannibal S3 Ep5

oohhh tales of younger hannibal <3

more snails.... and a butterfly!

"better live true to yourself for an instant, than never know it" - Hannibal Lecter

^ i love it.

why throw the ring? jack, i would have kept it.

MASON YOU PERV

aw hannibal hard at work

heh. make a snide remark to hannibal...he calls you out. bitch.

"and yet here you are.." Lady shrink you sound dissapointed...

i want to go on a train ride...but i don't want to get off like that...

hannibal you are so .... ugh. classy?sassy?

so...is alana the new clarice? the way will was in the previous seasons?

oh how fun...a game of chase...

oh hannibal you should have known bette than to bring up bella...

DAMN. thats gonna hurt in the morning...

i love the whimsickle music to this.

go home hannibal, youre beaten.

Hannibal S3 Ep 4

LANA AND CHILTON (NBC you have redeemed yourself)

ugh. and mason.

OMG IS THAT THE SAME ACTOR FROM THE MOVIS TO PLAY MASON?

and oh my...i never thought i'd say this... but...poor chilton...

nah... not the same actor... but the voice....

oh...poor chilton...rejected...


aw will...."because i wanted to run away with him"...
YAAASSSSSS


now its time for alana.... oh i'm so excited..

"friendship with hannibal is blackmailed elevated to the level of love"
"a mutual unspoken pact to ignore the worst in one another in order to continue enjoying the best" damn...i like that.

will you dick.

MARGO!

you deserved to choke after that verger...

"i don't need religion to apreciate the idea of old testement revenge" GET IT GIRL GET IT (sorry hannibal, i still love you)

aww the crawfords....

lololol "first thing you did after getting shot in the face was copyright 'hannibal the cannibal'" BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

OH SHIT. jack.....what are you doing....jack....
i want to cry for him.... poor jack.... she just...was gone.
farewell Bella.

Hannibal sends his condolences... how sweet
Jack's greif...

"i know whats coming for yout oo will...you don't have to die on me too"

cordel... youre just as much a weasle as mason...

Alana Bloom you classy bitch, i love you.

Hannibal S3 Ep 3 FINALLY

now that i am....5 episodes behind...

wait...why do i feel like i saw this one...

lady shrink talking about betrayal...


ooh?
betrayal is comparable to falling in love?

ugh lady shrink. you are so fucking sophisticated

...because i did.

this is the episode that Will meets new Asian chick.

ugh.

clothing wishlist

Hannibal shirts:

http://www.redbubble.com/people/fandomizedrose/works/11426177-this-is-my-design?p=t-shirt

http://www.redbubble.com/people/woodian/works/12235687-but-i-can-be-a-cannibal?p=t-shirt&style=tank&body_color=black&size=small&print_location=front

http://www.redbubble.com/people/fandomizedrose/works/11426177-this-is-my-design?p=t-shirt&style=womens&body_color=black&size=small&print_location=front

http://www.redbubble.com/people/fandomizedrose/works/11794683-house-lecter-eat-the-rude?p=t-shirt&style=tank&body_color=black&size=small&print_location=front

http://www.redbubble.com/people/carolynviolet/works/10512764-hannibal-eat-the-rude-vintage-style?p=t-shirt&style=tank&body_color=black&print_location=front

http://www.redbubble.com/people/fandomizedrose/works/13225580-im-not-a-psychopath-im-a-high-functioning-fannibal?p=t-shirt&style=tank&body_color=coral&print_location=front

http://www.redbubble.com/people/fandomizedrose/works/12834007-its-a-fannibal-thing-you-wouldnt-understand?p=t-shirt&style=tank&body_color=black&print_location=front

http://www.redbubble.com/people/meichi/works/10486775-hannibal-when-feasible-i-prefer-to-eat-the-rude?p=t-shirt&style=tank&body_color=truffle&print_location=front

http://www.redbubble.com/people/tirmedesign/works/12695214-my-type-is-hannibal-lecter?p=t-shirt&style=tank&body_color=white&size=small&print_location=front

Omnia:

Invincible

You know Kelly clarksons new song "invincible "?

Well the chorus is in my head and has been since I blogged about cara. 

I think SG is telling me to keep my head up.

Beat down in me, beat down on me like a waterfall 

Because I am stronger than I have ever dreamed.

iceburg

its so sad now that underneath the daily civilities and rare genuine good feelings i feel towards cara... is just a big glacier of emotion, all frozen together.

resentment.
anger.
hurt.
rage/desire to hurt her

and soon what i'm feeling now...

the hurt. anger. clenched teeth. tension in my head and neck and shoulder.

will pass.... only to add another layer of ice.

and i want to cry.

but i won't/

i refuse to let that little bitch have the power over me to make me cry.

i won't cry.

what she thinks doesn't matter.

her attitude, and disrespect, and the vile venom inside her will end up hurting her worse than she will ever hurt me.

i should pity her,

but right now i'm hurt and angry.
and want to cry.

but i won't.

i won't give her that power.

I alone have the ability to let others affect  me.

i won't let this ...


i'm kidding myself.

as soon as i finish this blog and say good night to bree i'm going to go to my room, turn on the fan, turn out the light, and cry.

but then i'll be ok.

i won't feel the boiling rage... it will dissipate to a simmer underneath more daily civility. till the next time she deserves to have her head smashed against a hard surface.

still pissed

and you know what?

all i had said was that we would need to get a baby gate for my room if we got a dog because my door doesn't close...BECAUSE CARA BROKE IT.

"you're what? almost 20 and still living at home? you have no say in what we do and we don't have to accommodate you"

bitch.

i am not some free loading guest in my own home.
i pitch in.
i buy shit that momma can't afford when we run out of something.

and if we were to get a damn dog?

I WOULD BE THE ONE TO HELP PAY FOR ALL ITS CRAP.

NOT you, you selfish entitled spoiled little shit.

and once you see how much work it is, you'll do the same fucking thing you did with the bunny. leave it for someone else to take care of and only do something once mom nags the hell out of you.

I CANNOT stand people like that.

i CANNOT stand her.

i am so fed up with her shit.

HOW DARE SHE.

no.

this crossed a line.

i'm done.

fuck her.

fuck her

fuck her
fuck her
fuck her
FUCK YOU CARA.

bitch. (Rant do not take seriously)

Cara is such a bitch.

so i told her my honest opinion about getting a dog. i didn't think we had enough room. i didn't think it was a good idea. and i thought it would get neglected.

her responce? get bitchy.

"you're what? almost 20? and still living at home? you have no say in what we do"

EXCUSE ME?

FUCK YOU

BITCH. THIS IS AS MUCH MY HOME AS IT IS YOURS.
I was so tempted tp pull over and make her get out of my car. make her walk home.

just because i'm being logical and you're being a brat doesn't give you the right to be so fucking disrespectful.

but you know what? fine.

if she doesn't think i should be living at home? then to her - i won't/

i won't talk to her unless i absolutley have to.
i won't give her rides or pick her up unless mom asks me to specifically, and in that case i will play my folk music that i know she hates. and i will probably keep the AC off and windows down.
bitch.

i won't by her any more treats.

it will be as if we aren't even living the same house.


she is the ONLY reason i want to leave.
SHE is the reason its unfortunate i am still living at home.

FUCKING BITCH.


it is not uncommon nor is it wrong or socially unacceptable to still be living at home at the age of 20. financially? its the best option.



its times like these where i'm glad i;m on my meds and can handle this rage. otherwise i'd have bashed her head into the window. and then locked her out the car.

even now i want to beat the ever living shit out of her.


if i ever do lose it and start killing people.

she will be the first to go.

and at times like these, i think i'd enjoy it.
ugh i want to use her face as a punching bag.

i can't say i hate her... but the feeling is close.

i love her but i can't stand her. and i only love her because she is kin.

its hard to consider her family.

she is kin.

theory

so i have a theory... about myself.

Its why i think i am so uncomfortable with sex.

i HATE foreign or unnatural tings going into my body.

be it a needle.

or a dildo...

What made me think of this was today.... Corie showed me lube. it was the first time i had ever actually seen it before. and it made me uneasy. because it was water based and she said it had no chemicals in it i let her use a very small bit, so i would know how it felt. 

it didn't feel bad, but i didn't like it.

why?

my theory.

as for the no chemicals thing?

i looked up the ingredients:

- "flavor" didn't tell me any thing... so that is an unknown. although it said no artificial sweetners were used... = uneasy/don't trust

 - Propylparaben: the n-propyl ester of p-hydroxybenzoic acid, occurs as a natural substance found in many plants and some insects, although it is manufactured synthetically for use in cosmetics, pharmaceuticals and foods. = Ok

-glycerin : from what i gather it comes from animal fat....meaning its pretty natural = Ok

- sodium carboxymethyl : odium carboxymethyl is derived from natural cellulose treated with chloroacetic acid. = eh...ok.

-Methylparaben: a preservative.... = uneasy/mistrust

so thats 3/5 that i'd be ok with... so i guess its not that bad. still.... i wouldn't use it if i didn't have to. 

 but since it has flavor in it, and corie likes it, i would only use it if she wanted it. i wouldn't ask for it myself. i still don't like it. 

i swear... this whole sex thing... i really wouldn't be surprised if she left me because of it.

she said things would be easier if i "self pleasured". then i wouldn't get so stressed out about other people touching me down there and i would know my limit. i don't know why, but i DO NOT MASTURBATE. i don't. i don't see the appeal. i don't feel the need to. it makes me very uncomfortable just thinking about it. 

i don't care if others do it. but i. will. not.

i don't want to. i don't like it. it weirds me out.

and so what if that makes me odd. i don't fucking care. i don't ever have the urge and i'm fine with that.  its not my thing.

people act like being turned on/horny is something that can be controlled. just turned on with a flip of a switch.

and maybe it is for some people. but not for me.

i can count on both hands the number of times i have been turned on without someone having to initiate it.

even when someone initiates things, i don't always get turned on.  and sometimes i want to get turned on, but i just don't.

my body is odd. but i listen to it.  if i'm never turned on....why would i masterbate? why would i even think of it?

i'll do whats right for me. 

*the only reason i write this with such an irritated/deffensive connotation is because of the number of times i have had to deal with people telling me how "awesome" it is, that its so good for you.... i don't care.  i'm tired of people suggesting it! 

i know logically it makes sense. 

but not for me. 

oh and its 7 days till my next shark week... PMS has started... i'm breaking out SOOO BAD. UGH.

No break

She isn't coming down to visit.

We won't be taking a break. 

We're staying together.

I'm so relieved.

Guilty for being so..

If I had trusted my intuition and not dated her when she asked maybe she and this other chick would have gotten together but that's not how it went.

And I'm going with the flow again. 

I'm relieved. 

ears and wings

so...while talking  to corie tonight..... for a breif flash she saw my ears elongate and saw wings flex behind my back.


She says the wings were mine, i think SG was trying to comfort me...seeing as i was about to cry.

the ears i'll believe.


It was at a moment that i realized my sadness didn't matter when compared to her happiness.... i tink she saw a glimpse of my soul, er, higher self.  just a glimpse.

because at that moment i felt true compassion.

just for a moment.

i felt for both Corie and the girl. and wanted their happiness more than anything.

I don't think my spirit has wings, SG does though....

i think he might be proud of me.

marbles

so corie and i might be taking a break....

when i first was interested in corie i decided i wouldn't date her until she had everything figured out with the girls from her past.

well... i broke that and dated her anyway.

and now, a match from her past might be coming down to see her.

Corie has a really good chance with this girl and i won't get in the way of that.
i can't.

So corie and i had a long talk tonight...

if the girl comes down for Corie's birthday to visit, they will talk and get their stuff sorted out.
If corie chooses to explore her path with this person, then we will take a break.

if corie decides that she woudl rather stay with me, then... thats what will happen.

however, it will depend on if the chick comes down to visit.

I will know by tuesday night.

i will know by thursday if we are taking a break or not.

marbles, marbles, oh how they roll
emotions come and take their toll
but as pain is fleeting, and shall fade
warmth of smiles, gifts are bade.
one marble, put in a pocket,
farewell for now spherical rocket.
the other, beautiful and bold
its smooth frame begins to roll.



I know that is a better match for Corie than i am.
i'm not thrilled. and it does hurt.
but all pain is temporary, and what is my small pain in comparison to Corie's potential happiness?

I know what i want.
i don't want this to end.
but i know what i want.
Corie to be happy.

Although i make corie happy, this girl has history and i know will be better for Corie.


on a brighter note: this is the first thing i predicted from a tarot reading that has come to pass.

we will see what thursday brings.

hannibal S2 Ep3... or not

I SAW ALANA BLOOM IN THE LINK.

YAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSS

..
..
...
...
.....


the video won't load.


so i read the in depth description of the episode...

doesn't give me everything... like memories and such, stories exchanged... just tell me that will remebers things, and that he and new asian chick exchange stories.



but i got the gist of the epsiode....


same thing for the next 2 episodes...

Tarot spreads (notes for later)

A

For her safety I will call her A. 

A is a girl from my daydreams, in every single one.

Always looking the same. Same name. Same situation.

Due to connecting dots I have figured that she was a girl I was connected to in my most recent past life. 

And right now I think she is sitting in my lap. I don't know how to feel about it.

She has the same energy feel as SG but unlike him I can't feel her in the air... Only on my skin. 

She is leaning against me.... I feel her on my chest and face...

What is she doing here? She should be out living her life...  

But I did tell SG that I wanted to see her... To hold her....

Her presence is fading... 

I.will.not.cry.

A... 

Availability thoughts

If I work 4-9 but only 7-11:30 then...

4.5 + 4.5 + 4.5 + 5 + 5 = 23.5 instead of 28... That's 305 paycheck...

It happened!

IT HAPPENED 

Pictures speak louder than words. 

It's about time! The road was bumpy but we made it!!

Ignorant and rude

Sometimes the ignorance and disrespect in this house irritates the fuck out of me.

So I once tried to explain to cara why she had almond shaped eyes. (how modern humans traveled from Africa to Eurasia then to the Americas, thus paleoindians actually being Asian) and today in a mocking tone she told my mother "Lisa says we all African after I made a comment about my almond eyes, she says were Asian" which my mother replies "but I thought she said we were African" like it was the dumbest thing she'd ever heard. 

Then before I could actually explain anything (literally I said "that's not what-"), she cut me off saying "we are obviously going to disagree so don't even start".

Ugh! If she had actually let me say anything then I could have told her that humans originally came from Africa (I know she would mention skin color in which I would inform her that people were white, skin color darkened over time) and over time travelled. 

But no. Oh no. Gods forbid either of them actually learn something that has been SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN. Or at least have the decency to let me defend my statement which was rudely twisted around and mocked.

But no. They would rather be ignorant and rude.

Pisses me the fuck off.

cost calc 3 (new info)

i figured that tuition was 6200 a semester...


its 6200  a year....

so i won't be getting back about a thousand dollars back... i'll be getting about 4000 back.

4000 - 700 (text books)  = 3300

3300....

i'll put 500 into my savings... thats 2800.
i'll put... 1000 into a second savings account with USAA.

thats $1800 left over.

i can get my car a tune up (100$?)

$1700

then i can get some tires... 2 for me and 2 for mom.... 200$

$1500 left over.

I CAN GET BOOTS.

How I'm feeling

I'm feeling restless. 

I'm tired but not sleepy.... Or is it the other way around?

I want to know how Corie feels about last night.

I want to know why I still feel so upset about last night.

I have a hollow feeling inside my chest and eating doesn't help it. 

I don't want to be alone but I'm not in the mood to be around people.

I want to be with Corie but idk. She isn't feeling all that well, and idk. 

All id want to do is cuddle and watch movies.

Idk.

I'm feeling restless.

------------ update:

I'm at Corie's. I left my Bast necklace here. I'm wearing her. Ifk if it's the necklace or if I was just missing Corie but the empty hole in my chest feels better.

Ashamed but not

So I messed up tonight. Well I did but I didn't. 

My labido picked up today.... And when things got heavy Corie thought to use the "present " she bought me. 

Three guesses at what that is. 

And I figured I'd in good to go for fingering then why not try it?

Well when she got up to go get it... I freaked out. 

But I was going to do it. Until I felt it there. 

It was cold. It was hard. It was wrong. 

So I stopped her.  

And I wanted to cry. I did in fact, but my face was covered with a pillow. 

I'm ashamed I gave into my..fear?... 

But I'm not. I know she got her hopes up, she was excited, but I wasn't ok with it so I stopped her.

It wasn't right. It didn't feel right. It felt wrong.

I'm fairly certain this will ultimately lead to Corie breaking up with me.

And ... That makes me sad. To a point...

I'm not the only lesbian who doesn't like penetration.  And maybe eventually I will ... Use one. 

But not tonight.

I don't know why but I was really upset. Not at her , but at myself for disappointing her. For being a coward.

But coward or not it's my body. When something didn't feel right I stopped it. That's not a bad thing. I listened to my body.

Which is why I don't understand why when I got home I balled.... So hard that SG felt the need to hold me.

But I calmed myself down and went inside and I feel a little better. 

It just sucks that I ruined her Fourth of July.

convo with SG

ok  SG, lets go.

ok, lets go. ~

i feel like youre laughing at me. 

i am~

ok so, you are an elfin angel? kinda makes sense. 

at work you were letting me see yesterday through your eyes. 

yes~

i swear it was like i  could see it and almost make out your thoughts, but since i couldn't sit and focus it passed me by. two things are very clear love eternal you love me yes and you enjoy laughing at me yes

i love the feeling of your ings by the way. ings? *laugh*

F*ck you <3

they are a comfortable weight, warm and heavy. i can only imagine what it must feel like to amazing  have them all the time. 

as you know i'm skeptical about the princess thing. (.....i got the feeling that he was saying he knows but its true but i couldn't quite make it out.....)

we both knew id be a bit rusty

rusty isn't bad~

you're doing good~

i love you. 

At work when i wrote "i swear i love you" i wasn't sure who was saying it, me or you. but it was said in laughter and i get that vibe from you all the time. loving laughter. 

I don't know why i make you seem so serious in my head fear~ insecurities~

ugh i can't tell if im making up half of your responces or not you're not

i guess youre right seeing as half of what you are saying pops into my head when i'm only just starting my own thoguht or i'm only half way though thinking it. 

showoff :P *smile* you know what i;m going to say before even i do. 

and the sister is home,,, that means i'm going to stop but (he doesn't want me to... or is reluctant... he was enjoying this)

i am too. 

love you <3 till next time <3

****he thinks i'm adorable. that yesterday i was adorable. i got the feeling he smiled really big when i cheered yesterday about the fact that i knew we were lovers trust yourself

i actually find it really easy to understand the fact that we are lovers, our spirits. its not romantic on my part during this life but the love is strong and I CAN FEEL YOU IN MY HEAD MR.

 YEAH. KEEP LAUGHING. <3

but yeah. its hard to put into words. but i think i can understand his love for me. mentorly, patient, he is both in in love with me and not. our spirits are connected, but at the same time in this life at least they aren't. its very hard to explain .

mother is now in so i have to go......i almost feel like he is pouting haha. <3

and i think he is ok with me publishing this. he definitley is ok with me showing it to Josh.