theory

so i have a theory... about myself.

Its why i think i am so uncomfortable with sex.

i HATE foreign or unnatural tings going into my body.

be it a needle.

or a dildo...

What made me think of this was today.... Corie showed me lube. it was the first time i had ever actually seen it before. and it made me uneasy. because it was water based and she said it had no chemicals in it i let her use a very small bit, so i would know how it felt. 

it didn't feel bad, but i didn't like it.

why?

my theory.

as for the no chemicals thing?

i looked up the ingredients:

- "flavor" didn't tell me any thing... so that is an unknown. although it said no artificial sweetners were used... = uneasy/don't trust

 - Propylparaben: the n-propyl ester of p-hydroxybenzoic acid, occurs as a natural substance found in many plants and some insects, although it is manufactured synthetically for use in cosmetics, pharmaceuticals and foods. = Ok

-glycerin : from what i gather it comes from animal fat....meaning its pretty natural = Ok

- sodium carboxymethyl : odium carboxymethyl is derived from natural cellulose treated with chloroacetic acid. = eh...ok.

-Methylparaben: a preservative.... = uneasy/mistrust

so thats 3/5 that i'd be ok with... so i guess its not that bad. still.... i wouldn't use it if i didn't have to. 

 but since it has flavor in it, and corie likes it, i would only use it if she wanted it. i wouldn't ask for it myself. i still don't like it. 

i swear... this whole sex thing... i really wouldn't be surprised if she left me because of it.

she said things would be easier if i "self pleasured". then i wouldn't get so stressed out about other people touching me down there and i would know my limit. i don't know why, but i DO NOT MASTURBATE. i don't. i don't see the appeal. i don't feel the need to. it makes me very uncomfortable just thinking about it. 

i don't care if others do it. but i. will. not.

i don't want to. i don't like it. it weirds me out.

and so what if that makes me odd. i don't fucking care. i don't ever have the urge and i'm fine with that.  its not my thing.

people act like being turned on/horny is something that can be controlled. just turned on with a flip of a switch.

and maybe it is for some people. but not for me.

i can count on both hands the number of times i have been turned on without someone having to initiate it.

even when someone initiates things, i don't always get turned on.  and sometimes i want to get turned on, but i just don't.

my body is odd. but i listen to it.  if i'm never turned on....why would i masterbate? why would i even think of it?

i'll do whats right for me. 

*the only reason i write this with such an irritated/deffensive connotation is because of the number of times i have had to deal with people telling me how "awesome" it is, that its so good for you.... i don't care.  i'm tired of people suggesting it! 

i know logically it makes sense. 

but not for me. 

oh and its 7 days till my next shark week... PMS has started... i'm breaking out SOOO BAD. UGH.