Ashamed but not

So I messed up tonight. Well I did but I didn't. 

My labido picked up today.... And when things got heavy Corie thought to use the "present " she bought me. 

Three guesses at what that is. 

And I figured I'd in good to go for fingering then why not try it?

Well when she got up to go get it... I freaked out. 

But I was going to do it. Until I felt it there. 

It was cold. It was hard. It was wrong. 

So I stopped her.  

And I wanted to cry. I did in fact, but my face was covered with a pillow. 

I'm ashamed I gave into my..fear?... 

But I'm not. I know she got her hopes up, she was excited, but I wasn't ok with it so I stopped her.

It wasn't right. It didn't feel right. It felt wrong.

I'm fairly certain this will ultimately lead to Corie breaking up with me.

And ... That makes me sad. To a point...

I'm not the only lesbian who doesn't like penetration.  And maybe eventually I will ... Use one. 

But not tonight.

I don't know why but I was really upset. Not at her , but at myself for disappointing her. For being a coward.

But coward or not it's my body. When something didn't feel right I stopped it. That's not a bad thing. I listened to my body.

Which is why I don't understand why when I got home I balled.... So hard that SG felt the need to hold me.

But I calmed myself down and went inside and I feel a little better. 

It just sucks that I ruined her Fourth of July.