Faeire Paper Outline

*** whenever i meantion "in each country" i will be using the "fairy faith in celtic countries" book because it goes in depth with the different countries

What is a faerie:

1. Origins -
1. quote website... then say that the paper will focus on celtic origins
1. http://www.timelessmyths.com/celtic/faeries.html
2. Which countries are considered celtic?
3. for the purpose of this paper the term Faerie will be used to describe any beings from the Celtic Otherworld
2. Origin of the word
3. Tuatha De Dennan -> Sidhe -> faeries (use link in comparison blog)
4. Fallen Angel Theory
5. Otto theory
2. Characteristics 
1. Glamour (quote Iron King)
2. Iron
3. Shape.... go into the wide variety (humanoid like elves, animalish like kelpie...sizes.... irish vs sweedish elves)
3. Types
1. stereotypical ideology of faeries - "tinkerbell" to "Legolas" to "rock trolls in frozen"
2. Element type fairies
1. Water - Selkies, merrows,  kelpie
2. fire - 
3. wind - 
4. "earth" - trolls, gnomes, dwarves

Organization

1. Courts (see if there is variation amung countries on courts.... or if it is just scottish)
1. Seelie
2. Unseelie
3. Wild/Solitary
4. House Faeries

How the belief affects the culture

1. olden times
2. modern times 
1. physical effects 
1. artitecture/roadays (iceland article:  http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/13/world/europe/building-in-iceland-better-clear-it-with-the-elves-first.html?_r=0 )
2. cultural effects -
1. books, plays, folk songs 
1. Heather Dale the fair folk
2. Bansidhe/banshee and other still actively used and believed in each country

How the belief has evolved through religion

1. Why would it be grouped into religion? - based off of definition of religion (i'll give examples that fit).... re-bring up Otto. 
2. pagan belief in faeries
3. Christian belief in faeries 
1. ^^^ these two would involve my conversations with people... but they weren't interviews...exactly? just conversations.

Conclusion

1. restate what the celtic faeries are
2. Why was the belief in them so important
3. how is it still important now

*anthropomorphic = human like

to get an idea of abstarct: http://issuu.com/lookout_2014/docs/the_lookout_2

page 37

Halloween/spooky CD track list

i'm going to make my own Halloween/Spooky CD! heres the songs i'm thinking:

1. Bones by MrMs
2. Boogie man song from 
3. Witchy Woman by the Eagles
4. Monster Mash
5. Calling all the monsters by China Anne McClain
6. Vampire Heart by HIM
7. Sombody's watching me
8. Monster by Skillet
9. this is halloween by mailan manson
10. Disturbia by Rihana
11. Mirrors by envy on the coast
12. A Gorey Demise by Creature Feature
13. if she only knew voodoo like i do by Get Scared
14. Don't fear the reaper by pierce the veil
15. Voodoo by Godsmack
16. People are stramge by Echo and the Bunnymen
17. vampires are alive by dj bobo
18. Witch's Bew by Katy B
19. Dark Horse Cover by Tera Brite and Epicc
20. Thriller/Heads will roll by Glee Cast
21. Frankenstein and the bride by BOTDF

Everything ends

Corey and I broke up today. It ended well, we are still on good terms. I went over today to talk to her but not much was said. Instead we kind of just sat there and then I gathered my stuff and went home.

It's kind of disappointing but everything ends, nothing lasts forever. And it's better than continuing when we both know it wasn't working.

Now let's see what life has in store.

Warning this post is about sex.

Or rather... Pleasure. 

I have come to form a theory about why I have the issues with sex that I do. I describe it as a "line" that once I cross things aren't enjoyable. Here is a better explanation I came up with at 11:10 at night while trying to fall asleep.

Levels.

There are different levels. (And examples)

1-3 are things like hugs, cuddling, baths, and the like. Non erotic pleasure.

4 kissing or massages

5 I call it sensuality but I guess it's considered foreplay?

6 hardcore make out session 

7 

8 is the farthest I've been able to endure before stopping. Most cases the "line" is between 7 & 8 and that's where it stops being enjoyable to me. Too intense.

9 I don't know.

10 I've only experienced in erotic dreams.

There. I have found a way to make sense of my weirdness. I only enjoy certain levels of pleasure.. After that although it "feels good" because it's pleasure, it doesn't feel good to me and I don't like it. 

The only erotic levels I will actually crave are up to 6. Anything past that I don't ever actually seek out.

Thank you sleep deprived brain.

Faerie Paper Outline

so here is what i'm thinking...

1. What is a faerie:
1. Origins -
1. quote website... then say that the paper will focus on celtic origins
1. http://www.timelessmyths.com/celtic/faeries.html
2. Which countries are considered celtic?
2. Tuatha De Dennan -> Sidhe -> faeries (use link in comparison blog)
3. Fallen Angel Theory
4. Otto theory
2. Characteristics 
1. Glamour (quote Iron King)
2. Iron
3. Shape.... go into the wide variety (humanoid like elves, animalish like kelpie...sizes.... irish vs sweedish elves)
3. Types
1. Nature/trees - dryads, piskies - or just 1 from every country to compare
2. Water - Selkies, merrows,  kelpie
2. Organization
1. Courts (see if there is variation amung countries on courts.... or if it is just scottish)
1. Seelie
2. Unseelie
3. Wild/Solitary
4. House Faeries
3. How the belief affects the culture
1. olden times
2. modern times (iceland article:  http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/13/world/europe/building-in-iceland-better-clear-it-with-the-elves-first.html?_r=0 )
4. How the belief has evolved through religion
1. Why would it be grouped into religion? - based off of definition of religion (i'll give examples that fit).... re-bring up Otto. 
2. pagan belief in faeries
3. Christian belief in faeries 
1. ^^^ these two would involve my conversations with people... but they weren't interviews...exactly? just conversations.
5. Conclusion
1. restate what the celtic faeries are
2. Why was the belief in them so important
3. how is it still important now

The Archetypal Biography of Woman

"Woman is the creator of the universe,

the universe us her form;

woman is the foundation of the world, 

she is the true form of the body.

Whatever form she takes,

Whether the form of a man or a woman,

is the superior form.

In woman is the form of all things,

of all that lives and moves in the world.

There is no jewl rarer than woman,

there is no condition superior to that of a woman.

There is not, nor has been, nor will be

any destiny to equal that of a woman;

there is no kingdom, no wealth

to be compared with a woman;

there is not, nor has been, nor will be

any holy place like unto a woman.

there is no, nor has been, nor will be

any yoga to compare with a woman,

no mystical formula nor ascetism

to match a woman.

There are not, nor have been, nor will be

any riches more valuable than woman"

- Saktisangama Tantra

BOOK WISHLIST (compilation)

here is my list of books to read.... (took me over   4.5 hours to make this list... going off of new finds and previous lists)
Bold = books i want more than othes

MAGIC/FANTASY/ADVENTURE (might feature faeries etc. but not the main thing)
Darkness Series - F.K. Breene
Throne of Glass Series - (i already have book 1&2)
The Avaonia Chronicles by  Farah Oomerbhoy
The Medoran Chronicles by Lynette Noni
Pirates of Orea Series by Lani Wooldland
Madly Series by M. Leighton
Devil's Isle series by Chloe Niell
ANYTHING BY CASSANDRA CLARE
Huntress by Malinda Lo
A knight to remember by Bridget Essex
Forever and a knight by Bridget Essex
The Dragon Diaries Trilogy by Deborah Cooke
Voices of Dragons by Carrie Voughn
The Princess's Dragon by Susan Trombley
Shadows Cast by stars by Catherine Knutsson
Transcendence books by CJ Omololu
"Eon" and "Eona" by Alison Goodman
The Dragon Kinc Chronicles by Ellen Oh
Valkyrie Rising by INGRID PAULSON
Covenant series by  Jennifer L. Armentrout
Cleopatra's Moon by Vicky Alvear Shecter
The Chaos of Stars by KIERSTEN WHITE


FAERIES
Fae Chronicles by Amelia Hutchins
Creepy Hollow Series by Rachel Morgan
Iron Fey series (including the forgotten triology)by Julie Kagawa
The darkest oart of the forst by Holly Black - i love this author
The Faery Reel: Tales from the Twilight Realm by  Ellen Datlow
Contessa: Princess of the Summer Fae by Graylin Fox
"Feyland" Trilogy and "Feyguard" books by Anthea Sharp
Bandia books by Talia Vance


MERMAIDS
Syrenka series by Amber Garr
Secrets of Carrick series by Amanda Braxton-Smith
Mer Tales Series bu Brenda Pandos
The Seamonster Memoirs by Karen Amainda Hooper
The Syrena Legacy by Anna Banks
Fins by Terra Lyn Childs
Lost Voices series by Sarah Porter
Breathless by Cole Gibson
Ingo by Helen Dunmore
Sirens Storm books by Lisa Papademetriou
Above World trilogy by Jenn Reese

VAMPIRE/ANGEL/DEMON/SUPERNATURAL
Desolation Trilogy by Ali Cross
Drawn by Marie Lamba
Sojourner series by Maria Rachel Hooley
Deep in Your Veins series by Suzanne Wright
The Unearthly series by Laura Thalassa
Afterlife Saga by Stephanie Hudson
Dark Angel by Bridget Essex
Velveteen by Daniel Marks
Hemlock triology by Kathleen Peacock
Oracle by Gina Rosati
Something strange and deadly tilogy by Susan Dennard
Possess by Gretchen McNeil
The Selection series by Kiera Cass
Red Queen trilogy by Victoria Aveyard



BASED ON FAIRYTALES/CLASSIC NOVELS/RETELLINGS/SPIN-OFFS
Roses and thorns by Chris Anne Wolf
Tiger Lilly by  Jodi Lynn Anderson
As white as snow by Tanith Lee

Gay Pride and Prejudice by Kate Christie

The Dark Wife by Sarah Diemer

Ash by Malinda Lo

Mechanica by Betsy Cornwell
Unbound trilogy by Eve Marie Mont
Faerie Tale Collection by Jenni James
The Jane Austin Diaries by Jenni James <3 <3 <3
Splintered trilogy by A.G. Howard (i have book 1)
Scarlet trilogy by A.C. Goughen
East by Edith Pattou
Sun and Moon, Ice and Snow by Jessica Day George
Cruel Beauty by Rosamund Hodge
Fairytale Retellings series by Jackson Pearce
A White So Red by Krystal Jones, K.D. Jones
The Diamond Secret by Suzanne Weyn, Larry Rostant
The Wild Orchid: A Retelling of "The Ballad of Mulan" by Cameron Dokey
Spirited by Nancy Holder
The Princesses of Westfalin Trilogy by Jessica Day George
Woodcutter Sisters trilogy by Alethea Kontis
Wildwood books by Juliet Marillier
Entwined by HEATHER DIXON
The Child Thief by Brom
Mylena Chronicles by Chloe Jacobs
The Hallow trilogy by Jessica Verday
Wild by ALEX MALLORY
The Madman's Daughter trilogy by Megan Sheperd
Pretty Crooked by ELISA LUDWIG
The Trouble with Flirting by CLAIRE LAZEBNIK
Prom and Prejudice by Elizabeth Eulberg
Epic Fail by CLAIRE LAZEBNIK
Jane by April Lindner 
Catherine by April Lindner 
Wondrous Strange trilogy  by LESLEY LIVINGSTON
Théâtre Illuminata series by Lisa Manchev
The Goddess Test series by Aimee Carte
Abandon trilogy by Mag Cabot

the phoenix and the fallen evolving

so, i have an entire world in my head. Inside this world are several races... and one religion. The entire land believes in the same gods/goddesses - each area just has its own deitie which is recognized by all the land.

in one particular area... its:

"The phoenix and the fallen"

i have the whole mythology of it in my head. way to much to type out right now...
****apparently i ended up typing it anyway

but.

I'm thinking that there will be 2 servants of the two different deities (twins: one girl and one boy) The girl is a servant of the fallen - a minor god cast from his father's side (the major god of the land) for killing the father's favorite son and cursed to wander in a land of never ending darkness (what was then, the world).
the boy servant serves: Feeling for her son, the Mother Goddess (earth goddess) sends a phoenix to him (being made of living light) to keep him company and give him hope.

The two inhumans are treated as gods and worshiped by these mortal people (created by the father god). Jealous that his son was doing so well, the father attempts to take his bride. When seduction fails, he rapes the phoenix.
The Phoenix doesn't tell her husband about the rape, and end up pregnant. At first the Fallen believes it is his, but she is forced to tell of the rape. Enraged the Fallen wishes to kill his father, but the phoenix has other plans. She wishes to abort the baby.

The Fallen refuses, and says he will raise the child as his own, in his compassionate nature he had already come to love the unborn child. If the Phoenix wants her revenge, then she must let him fight his father. This sparks an argument (about control in the relationship, and the freedom of the phoenix).The Fallen basically imprissons his wife to protect the child. When the Father comes down to fight his son, the fallen is defeated. The Phoenix sees and escapes her bonds and flies to him.

In a rage she takes her taloned hand, and cuts open her abdomen where the fetus is, She rips it out, and kills it. Both men grieve. The ground is soaked with blood. With her own blood, she heals the fallen. In his grief the Father god curses the phoenix with madness and Leaves. From the spilled blood of the child, the Raptorem people arise. From the blood of the fallen the Shade people arise. From the Phoenix's spilled blood the Aredns people arised.

Time goes on, the fallen and the phoenix continue life as before although, His love being her hope as her love was his before. But as her madness increased, her powers grew destructive. In order to protect the people of the world from herself, the phoenix, in a final act of love, takes her won life. Once again, in compassion to her son, The Mother Goddess promises her son that The Phoenix would rise again. Determined not to have a physical form until his love, the fallen also takes his own life.

It is said he searches for his love's reincarnation through the eyes of vessels marked with the the very same wings that he himself carries.





plot:
 the annual festival of lights is about to start and Vicis's best friend has been chosen to represent the Goddess Phoenix, lady of Fire. Scire looks the part; with blonde hair that looked as if it was made from rays of sun. But in a strange turn of events, Scire can't make it and Vi is made to take her place.
With the sacred feather, said to be from the phoenix's own wings and to possess magic powers,on a chain around her neck, Vi is as nervous as she has ever been in her life. Most girls would be excited to be treated as a goddess for a day, but Vi's instincts say something bad was going to happen.

When the cermeony begins to introduce her as the goddess of the day, a band of pirates attack. The feather is a magic item worth more than any other thing in the kingdom and they were here to steal it. While trying to save the feather, the unthinkable happens - it disappears into her chest. Confused, the pirates kidnap her and take her to their captain. Who it was, was the last person Vi ever expected to see.

groups of people

• Raptorem - shadow creatures, mindless monsters - evil - worship no god
• Shade - Assassins, Mercenaries (villians with good hearts)
• Ardens - people who worship light
• Ignis - the product of Raptorem/Arden offspring: dragons (can take human form)
• Stella - people who worship the goddess of fate and stars (goddess is actually the sister of phoenix - made from pure starlight) - usually have psychic gifts (this is who the twins are)
• Silva - people of the trees: worship mother goddess - primarily elves
• Robur - people who worship the father god

Main characteters:

Fallen

Vicis (means change) - protagonist, phoenix re-incarnate

Profugus - the pirate/vessel

incarnations

So we talked about incarnations in Anthropology of Religion yesterday and i came up woth my own theory about it.


and incarnation is a human version of a deity or spirit on earth.

such as Jesus (Christian) or Rama (Hindu).

Jesus was not aware that he was God, he simply saw himself as the son of God and as a prophet/servant. which poses the question: does a incarnation have 2 natures - a human one and a divine one? two souls? What happens to the other nature/soul while the divine is in control?

Rama was aware that he was a Deity, he simply looked and acted like a human. So can a god/spirit simply create a body as needed for as long as needed while he/she is on earth? (i think the answer to that is yes... just saying)


me theory: 2 different souls. one body. I feel that the incarnation is actually a vessel until the divine being enters it. Once the divine entity is in control the vessel becomes a incarnation, the vessel's soul simply sits in the background so to speak.

as far as reincarnated holy spirits, such as the Buddhist tolkus, then there is simply one spirit and one body, an incarnation - no vessel needed.

thats my theory at least.

and the vessel doesn't have to be human. I know that Bastet sometimes enters into my cat Bia. I think that sometimes SG enters into my familiar.

so the vessel needn't be human, but most often in order to speak i believe the vessel is human. The vessel may not realize they are a vessel, but the incarnation is aware of what they are.

sweet sleep

so yesterday i was overflowing with positive energy, i was happy and energetic, and all i wanted to do was hug and touch people and spread the good vibes i was feeling. I think its because the night before i had slept sweetly.

now to explain:

i usually sleep heavily (not as in i'm a heavy sleeper, but that the sleep feels heavy) or poorly (when i wake up more tired then i went to sleep, or if i had nightmares)

but not too long ago i slept and the sleep felt light and pleasant and warm. I was very aware of a male presence in my dreams and mind while i slept that made sure that nothing bad happened in my dreams. He made sure i felt safe and loved and protected. (i'm pretty sure that was SG) from the beginning of me starting to fall asleep to a few minutes after i woke up i felt him with me; i even recall thinking that i was cold when i woke up and then thought "he'll fix that". anytime something negative would start to happen in the dream he would make sure that i didn't feel any negative feelings or stress from the situation, or he would just change the dream.  i slept sweetly that night.

well the other night i didn't feel him with me but i think i slept sweetly because one of the major stressors in my life had been removied: my traffic ticket. I went to the DA's office tuesday and got the ticket dismissed. i didn't even have to pay court costs. so that night my psych was so relived i slept sweetly (even if i was feeling stressed as i fell asleep).

it was wonderful.

and a rare occurrence.

creepy customer #2

ok so i have a customer that decided to research faeries since i talked about my paper with him and how much i loved faeries.

well... he came back with some notes from his research. The research he did led him to see how female faeries often bewitch male humans into pretty much being willing sex slaves... and about how beautiful they were... and he pretty much said that it didn't seem like a bad fate.

he insinuated that i was a faerie, or was the descendant of one and was trying to be flirty.

now he clearly said it was meant as a joke, so thats how i took it.

but then he came back another time, we continued talking about faeries, but he made a comment that i couldn't tell if it was serious or jesting... "i look for you everytime i come in, i even by stuff i don't need just to see you"..... that comment coupled with the way he looks at me sometimes sent up red flags.

its almost like he is insinuating that i'm a faerie that has bewitched him.


i choose to think he was jesting that time too, but i can't shake the slight discomfort i feel when our conversations lead away from faerie lore.today he said that he thought i was an amazing person, i was beautiful, kind, and that he liked the way i presented myself. which was sweet, and i reallly don't think he means any harm at all...

he just comes off as creepy sometimes.

I FOUND IT

BY THE GODS I FOUNDIT

THE LOST BOOK FROM MIDDLESCHOOL


the one about the girl with the arrow mark on her hand that developes the power of pathfinding... with the demon...and the boy....and and and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS


http://www.amazon.com/Hidden-Arrow-Maether-Aiden-Beaverson/dp/0440416930

Another nightmare

I sometimes have nightmares that are about survival... I had another one last night. 

I was left by my friends at a movie theater, they had gone inside thinking I was with them but I was outside paying. 

I didn't have enough money so I was trying to find them (thinking they are outside in the crowd) when I was taken.

Next thing I know I'm all dolled up looking into a bathroom mirror. Some older woman maybe about 50 or so, smiled at someone next to me. 

A grown man, maybe 30,  is holding a plastic knife (not the kind you find at picnics... This is a professional solid plastic knife that can do some damage. )

He comes behind me, wraps his arm around my neck in a kind of headlock and picks me up like that.

He turns, with me screaming, towards a bath and I realize his hands are wet from running the bath. I grab the knife from his hand and it slips his grasp into mine, though he tightens his hold on my throat.

I stab him. As hard and fast as I could. I even tried to aim for his genitals and carotid artery. I don't know if I hit them but I know I had one good shot that got in deep, he dropped me screaming and I fled.

Outside I was in a trailer park. I ran to the closest one across the street, screaming snd crying I banged on the door. Children opened it, they looked Hispanic, so I pushed the door open and collapsed on their floor in tears as the parents ran in.

I could only cry and scream "ayuda me, porvavor" over and over.

I woke up then because cara had called my name for something. My hand still clenched from holding the bloody knife.

a dream is a wish your heart makes....

so what wish did my heart make last night? i have no idea..

So.

Last night i dreamed that i was at a train station, it was a trains tation but it looked like an airport. and while there i suddenly began to bleed from my mouth. I went to the restroom to investigate and ended up pulling out a tooth.. More accurately is was falling out and i just grabbed it. It had a severe cavity in it. But once i did, it stopped bleeding and i just had a whole.  No more pain.

I stepped out to find a worker there with my ticket, that again looked like an airplane icket, but it was for a train. I walked outside to where the trains would arrive and saw friend from highschool that i hadn't seen in years. We sat and talked until the teain got there and when we boarded... i was with people i didn't know. surprisingly i wasn't anxious, but calm and focused.

I don't remember what happened next or where i was going but yeah.




factors:

train/trainstation - To dream that you are on a train symbolizes your life's journey. It suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed in the right direction. Alternatively, the dream means that you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will work out in the end.

airport- To see an airport in your dream symbolizes birth (arrivals) and death (departures). If the airport is busy, then it signifies the desire for freedom, high ideals, ambition, and hopes. It is an indication that you are approaching a new departure in your life. Some new idea is taking off or is ready to take off.

teeth/cavity: To dream that you have a cavity indicates feelings of fear and insecurity over a situation. You are lacking self confidence.

traveling-To dream that you are traveling represents the path toward your life goals. It also parallels your daily routine and how you are progressing along. Alternatively, traveling signifies a desire to escape from your daily burdens. You are looking for a change in scenery, where no one has any expectations of you. Perhaps it is time to make a fresh start. 


so....

I desire freedom and something new is coming my way but i almost back out of it because i lack self confidence. However i am again presented with the new start and i do actually go trough with it. And by doing so i am headed on the right path with a fresh start, even if i do worry a lot over it.

renouncing fear

so... i am a very fearful person.

I fear conflict.
i fear change because i don't know what will happen.
i fear the unknown.
I fear failure.
i fear success.
i fear i will disapoint people.
i fear that i am too clingy.
i fear that i'm annoying.
i fear i will hurt others.
I stress so much....

and it has to stop.


All this fear and worry and stress...is keeping me from living my life to the fullest.

My gums are receding, that worries me.
My being out of shape worries me.
My lack of labido worries me.
My being dehydrated all the time worries me.
Money issues worry me ALL THE TIME. i am always conscious about money...
My relationship makes me worry.
I worry i am doing poorly in school or work.
I worry i won't ever get to travel.
I worry i won't ever reach my spiritual potential.
I worry i won't ever see/hear SG.
I worry every time i get in a car.
I worry so much...

it causes the fear and anger and anxiety i always have bubbling under my happy-go-lucky shell.

it cannot continue like that.

as my guide said "It's all going to be fine."

it will.

This body is a shell. A temporary shell. All the things that happen to it... it really won't last long. One of the most infuriating things about the human body is how fast it matures and ages... life is short. If this body falls apart, i won't suffer it for long.

My relationship will not last forever. No relationship does (aside from the spiritual ones). Everything ends, why miss out on the present worrying about the end? It will end. When doesn't matter. I need to enjoy the time i have with Corie while it lasts and know that when it ends it ended at that time for a reason. And when it does, let it go.

Money will always be an issue... its a necessity unfortunately but worrying about it all the time won't make more just magically appear. i dont' know how to let go of this worry but i need to work on reducing it at least.

Traveling... if it doesn't happen then i can always read. That not only takes me to other countries but to other worlds as well.

As for worrying about my spirituality and things dealing with SG... he is patient. he loves me. he will never leave me. He doesn't get angry at me. he is love and goodness. and laughter.... the best way for me to connect with him is through those thing. if i don't see/hear him... i need to take solace in the knowledge that he really is always there when i need him or call him.

fear of both failure and success.... i may need help with this.
i fear failure because i fear disapointing others... or myself. But failure doesn't mean to give up or to dissapoint. No one is perfect... if i fail it means i have more to learn. or that i need to be more patient. It is this fear that holds me back spiritually.

fear of success... i don't know why i fear success.... but i do. I think because if i succeed it leads to the unknown.... which i need to just learn to trust in the fate i set for myself and trust my guides, "It's all going to be fine"

the car.... although i am not 100% certain when, i do still think i will die in a car accident. I don't cling to the fact as a beacon of hope anymore, i simply acknowledge it.  I don't necessarily look forward to it like i use to (because i'm finally acclimating to this life) but i do look forward to what lies after it. I look forward to my next life.

that doesn't help the anxiety i feel when i'm behind the wheel and things get too hectic. Again... i just need to accept things as they are and trust.


i think thats my thing...

i trust people easily... but i don't trust myself.
i don't trust myself to succeed, or to know what to do when i succeed.
i trust my guides but i don't trust myself to interpret their messages right.

As much as i love myself and others... i doubt myself the most.

i think that is where my fear originates. Doubt, which leads to anxiety and worry, then to actual fear.

here is the thing... how do i fix my doubt? trust? Trust must be earned...how do i earn my own trust?

but once i do... i know i can reach my full potential.

haha i sound crazy.

book shirts

so...there is this thing...where shirts are designed to be filled with words from the novelthat the designs show...


the ones i want:

http://www.litographs.com/collections/t-shirts/products/pride-tee  - in black

http://www.litographs.com/collections/t-shirts/products/peter-tee    - light blue

http://www.litographs.com/collections/t-shirts/products/phantom-tee  - red

http://www.litographs.com/collections/t-shirts/products/eyre-tee   - Black

http://www.litographs.com/collections/t-shirts/products/sensibility-tee  - light blue

http://www.litographs.com/collections/t-shirts/products/wonderland-tee   - light blue


gifts:

for racheal - http://www.litographs.com/collections/t-shirts/products/wuthering-tee     - in black

halloween party desserts!

i really want to make mudpice:

http://www.food.com/recipe/original-no-bake-dirt-pie-with-worms-348629

chocolate truffle eyes:
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/chocolate-truffles-recipe.html

^we can just add a dab of icing and put an M&M on it

creepy fingers:
http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/food-recipes/a14364/spooky-fingers-recipe-ghk1012/

Ogre eye cookies:

http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/ogre-eye-cookies

chocolate cake...i was thinking of getting white or green icing and piping a spiderweb on it?

witch hate cookies.

short story class

so i made it clear that i didn't like my short story class.... well its grown on me quickly and i'm actually really enjoying it.

its a discussion based and there really sin't that much paperwork now that i have the book.....

i even find myself looking forward to this class.

here the thing:

in discussion based stuff.... i participate. actively.

and just like in highschool...there are people that resent that.

we were in groups today vs a whole class discussion and i said that although i liked the groups i felt that it lacked the variety that the whole class brought. The girl next to me said "Well the same few people do all the talking so its not like there is much variety" she looked right at me. 

i felt like i was an inch tall.

but when i was talking with the professor and she asked wy i didn't say somethign (i had somethign to add to the discussion but didn't so i was getting her opinion on the idea) i told her what the girl said.

she apologized to me. what?? She said that she delt with the same thing in highschool and not to take it to heart.

"those who don't participate, and then resent those who do participate aren't being fair"

i agree.

if you have something to say, RAISE YOUR HAND.

who are you to make me feel guilty for actively engaging in class? i'm not stopping you from raising your hand!

i have a right to participate - i'm paying for it.

so i know i shouldn't listen to that girl... i just hate the feeling of someone resenting me.


but i will not let this get me down. i am paying for the class, i can participate as much as i want.  if she has a problem with it, she can raise her friggin hand.


^ notice the grandiose  language? yeah i'm not that confident... i feel like curling into a ball and hiding.

i shouldn't let it bother me, but its just like highschool. why is it such a bad thing to be a good student?? participation is a grade!


ugh. i'll get over this feeling soon...

i just need to get over it. i did in highschool, and graduated 10th in my class. so..

yeah.


i'll do me and she can do her.

you are getting..verrrrrry sleeeepppppyyyy.... NO!

UGH i will NOT fall asleep...

i will not fall asleep
i will not fall asleep..

ugh i'm so tired.

this class is interesting enough that i can pay attention.
it is.

but i stayed up too late last night watching "the quest" (i need to find out if there will be a second season!)

and then i went to work this morning...

and i'm so tired...

and he has such a nice voice (the professor) that he's putting me right to sleep....


sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

no!

i will not fall asleep...


its only 2:40...

class ends at 3:50...

i'm so going to fall asleep...

biting my lip doesn't work, moving around is too noisy (the chair is squeaky...and comfortable..)

and my new OMNIA HOODIE is so warm and soft...


ugh.
i can't fall asleep...

homework

bold - due tomorrow

• reach intro-chapter 2 in Parish behind god's back
• answer questions on blackboard
• find a question to ask about carribean shamanism for carribean class paper
• start reading Fairy-faith anthro book
• spanish homeowrk

poetry compilation thus far

so since my blog is soooooooo long and has so many posts (over 900...good greif)

my stuff is pretty spaced out.

i was hoping i could create another tab on my blog where a person could click it to see specific posts buuuut that doesn't seem to be a thing on here >.<


SO

Here is a list of my poetry/songs. many of them are from when i was battling my bipolar and needed an outlet for my depression. i am thinking about making another blog specifically for these but idk. :/

this is my blog of EVERYTHING haha.

songs:
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2012/05/lyrics.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2014/05/never-taste-of-faerie-fruit-original.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2014/03/love-is-patient-love-is-kind.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/08/neverland-original-poemsong.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/05/song-run-through-forest-inspired-by.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/08/new-all-paths-converge-lyrics.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/06/free-your-lips-and-end-this-show.html



poems:
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2014/12/butterflies.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2014/09/goodbye-my-imagination-original-poem.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2014/09/when-dreams-die-slam-poem-oiriginal-old.htm  - dreams die
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2014/09/meditation-old-poem.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2014/09/i-feel-original-old-poem.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/08/whispered-words.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2014/09/walk-through-life-original-slam-poem.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2014/02/eh-attempt-at-wonderland-villanelle.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2014/02/little-bird-poem.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2014/01/villanelle-can-i-go.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/12/original-villanelle.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/10/daddy.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/08/facing-world-my-inner-battle.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/08/you-look-but-do-you-see.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/08/twin-envy.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/08/figuring-out-im-lesbian.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/08/bring-on-night.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/08/each-day-is-battle.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/08/my-life-is-script.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/08/from-mother-above.html



short stories:
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2014/09/the-monster-inside.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2014/07/original-faerie-short-storypossible.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2014/03/pegiunicornisus.html
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/10/original-short-story.html


and these are just the ones i could find in a limited amount of time! i probably have several floating around somehwre haha

comments

sooo.....

i am JUST NOW seeing comments on my blog posts from a year ago... >.< oops

THANKS BREE AND THANKS MAUDE FOR YOUR SUPPORT

even if i idn't see the comments till just now ._.

oops.

faerie paper

so i know i left a post about songs i plan to maybe use as references for a paper...


THATS RIGHT.

i am righting a 25 page paper (THOTH HELP ME I AM SO SCARED) on my favorite obsession...

thats riiiiiiight!!!!!

FAERIES!!!!!!!!

my dream of doing a oaoer on faeries is actually coming true!!!!!

I AM SO FRIGGIN EXCITED!!!

my definition of religion - work in progress

well in one of my classes i have to come up with my own definition of religion... this is it so far.... i have no doubt in my mind that it will change as i learn more.

" a belief in a natural, "supernatural" and/or spiritual forces and beings that usually involve rituals, symbols, moral teachings, and often differ by individual experiences and culture; the belief serves a functional purpose to those who believe"

Hannibal S3 Ep12 reaction blog

AND A NEW EPISODE BEGINS <3 <3 <3

ah... Bedilia.. you and alana... both are on borrowed time.

OH SHIT
MY FAVORITE QUOTE
"could he daily feel a stab of hunger...." <3 <3 <3

AND NOW ALL HANNIBALxWILL SHIPPER GO CRAZY.

IT IS CONFIRMED.

HANNIBAL IS IN LOVE WITH WILL.
I KNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW IT

ugh. i grow bored of this... can they just catch the dragon now? please?

what the hell?

and the trap is set!

oh dear.

i think chilton is going to die now.
how disapointing.
i think he is superglued??

uh oh...baby girl you need to just walk the fuck back ot that door.


HOLY FUCKINGSHITWHATHTEHELLDIDIJUSTNO. NO. NOOOO...


bit his fucking lip off??!!!

*gag*

...."what happened to the other one?"..*slurp*.... i giggled.

and thus chilton dies the death that should have been freddie lounds.

HE IS ALIVE???

songs for CD

add to the "feel good" CD playlist:
Happily Ever After by He is We

add to "Traffic Jam" CD playlist:
- The Prayer by Jonathan and Charlotte
- Again by Yui (English Version)
THE MUSIC FROM HANNIBAL. idk the name.... but i WILL find it and i WILL get it. <3

Faerie Songs as references for faerie paper

"A babe was all she asked for, and their promises they'd kept"
faeries are very honest, they do not lie. Although they can omit certain things they cannot tell an outright lie. - Changeling child by heather dale

faerie objects can have a magical affect on humans. The selkie skin turns a human girl into a female selkie.
- Maiden and the selkie by heather dale

fairies are not all rainbow and sunshine... there is a definite darkness about them.
- fair folk by heather dale

luring of humans to the faerie realm...
- dance of the wild faeries by Gary Stadler

how?

ok i talked to one of th eolder lesbian ladies at ECU today about my problem with sex. she suggested that corie and i have scheduled sex.... that way she can get sex she wants and the tension/conflict goes away. It would be a set day every week that no matter what we would have sex, doesn't matter if i want it or not.

that way we both make sacrifices, i would have sex regardless and she could only ask for it on the set days.

here is my issue with that idea...how?
how could you have sex with someone when you don't want it?

i know the trick is getting the genitals ...whats the word...active? no...

basically gettung turned on. and if you can keep turned on then sex is acheivable... even when you're not in the mood.

but if you're not in the mood... then getting turned on - much less staying turned on - is difficult.

and sex without being turned on? i don't see how its possible...

so although her idea may work for her i don't see how it could possibly work,

now somehow Corie and i have reached a point where i don't feel pressured and i don't feel her frustration as strong as before... idk but right now seems OK..

i'm just worried how logn it will last.