drowning and resurfacing

I feel like i'm drowning....
like my bipolar is resurfacing.


My body feels heavier, like i have a weight on my lungs.
Its not a physical ailment, i can breathe fine.

but its not like...incapacitating.

its just.... you know how when puddles freeze, you can see the water underneath? Well, i'm fine. My layer of ice is thick.... but i can feel my bipolar underneath my skin.

My bipolar never left with my getting medication... it only became more manageable. I still get highs (being more reckless with money, more agitated and aggressive)

and i still get lows (apologizing every other word, the physical manifestations, thoughts about death and suicide - not having suicidal thoughts though!!! - just feeling relatively down in the dumps, feelings of hopelessness, crying fits, social anxiety...)


and there really isn't anything that can be done.
i'm taking my meds.... the mood swings aren't nearly as bad as they use to be.
they are manageable.


but i still have them.


and i'm in a depressive phase right now, and i'm feeling it a bit more than i usually do.

it sucks.