Thoughts that keep me up at night

It is 4:30 am and after about an hour of sleep my little sisters phone conversation wakes me up (around 3am). Now I can't sleep again.... But who needs sleep when you have dark thoughts to wallow in?

As usual the first thing that comes with any depressive wave is jake.

3 years later and the asshole still has an effect on me. 

I know what I'll say to him next time he's in town and wants to hang out:

"We are not going to hang out. Small contact us fine; a snapchat here or there. But we are not going to hang out unless 

A- someone dies and you need comfort

B- someone hurts you the way you hurt me. I don't mean just a break up, I mean totally breaks your heart. To where you still have a negative effect over 3 years later.

They say you never forget your first love. And they are right. so when you have your heart shattered to the point that you are no longer the same person? THEN we can hang out."

In the 3 years since that time I have dated as many people. I havnt been in love with a single one. I'm scared I can't fall in love. I've tried... But it's not something you can force.

What if I'm broken? I can have an unconditional platonic love for anyone but what if I can't have real romantic love?

Am I broken?

These are the thoughts that bring a depressive wave so strong not even a cuddly purring and sleepy smokey can cure.

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night.