so fae was in a really bad mood the other day.... so yesterday i was able to FINALLY coax her into talking to me. Essentially... its brooks.
As i explained it on the support page: a friend we were very close to hurt me really badly (emotionally) and while i am ready to try and be friends again (hes like my big brother) fae does not. She sees him as a threat now and refuses to let the bridge mend. So when i'm feeling emotions of missing him or we are interacting and i get happy --> she gets pissed off and frustrated. To her i'm a sheep and hes a wolf and we can't be friends. Yet she can only do little to interfere. so her protective instinct is going haywire and she hates that i'm not listening to her.
that is why she threw a tantrum the other day which pretty much drove me crazy. I was feeling positive emotions about brooks.
and boy when i got her out yesterday did she run with it. Had full conversation with amy and even reached out to jimmie like a little traitor.
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Friday, January 26, 2018
a poem... Bipolar + DID
people laugh and joke like it doesn't matter
that people in pain get sadder and sadder,
and i know in my heart that i don't matter
- no one matters.
I remind muself this as i hold a knife
to my throat, to my wrist, to my thigh
as i cry
- CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?
then a voice in my head came softly and clearly:
"I can hear you, you're not alone.
you don't have to do this all on your own.
Take a deep breath, put down the blade;
you know good and well these feelings will fade"
I do as i'm told,
wish this voice was a hand i could hold;
and this will not have been the last time
that she stopps me from comitting this crime.
Like when i gave up and walked infront of a car
- she was there to slap me ajar
and got me to the other side.
I've had her a while and it kills me to hide
this person inside me that the world would shun.
But shes been my friend since this had begun.
Well now it open and life is good,
her voice is quiet - but should
life get violent, strog like a sword
her presence will shield me and take me forward.
that people in pain get sadder and sadder,
and i know in my heart that i don't matter
- no one matters.
I remind muself this as i hold a knife
to my throat, to my wrist, to my thigh
as i cry
- CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?
then a voice in my head came softly and clearly:
"I can hear you, you're not alone.
you don't have to do this all on your own.
Take a deep breath, put down the blade;
you know good and well these feelings will fade"
I do as i'm told,
wish this voice was a hand i could hold;
and this will not have been the last time
that she stopps me from comitting this crime.
Like when i gave up and walked infront of a car
- she was there to slap me ajar
and got me to the other side.
I've had her a while and it kills me to hide
this person inside me that the world would shun.
But shes been my friend since this had begun.
Well now it open and life is good,
her voice is quiet - but should
life get violent, strog like a sword
her presence will shield me and take me forward.
Thursday, January 25, 2018
good sign
so.... i don't have the best track record with relationships.
on average...
6 months (jake... both times added together)
2 months (karl)
2?3? months (katie)
2 months (Maude/Mary)
3 months (staci)
5?6? moths (Corie)
2 months (Lauren)
so....
3.4.
my relationships last an average of 3.4 months.
February will be monh 3 for me an jimmie and i guess i've been subconsciously nervous about it.
hell.... racheal didn't even want to like jimmie and get attatched to him because she figured he wouldnt be around long.
she does like him by the way.
but....
tonight Jimmie said something about possibly giving me a key to his apartment.
thats a good sign.
thats a very good sign.
jeeze kid relax. <-- sg?????
i do need to relax.
its going to be alright. --> yeah thats SG. holy hell.
hello love <3
I take it this means that you've okay-ed this? this is approved?
approved. Missed you.
I love you
well. that was my primary spirit guide. who i havn't heard from...... in.....
at least September of 2016.
THATS A PRETTY FUCKING GOOD SIGN.
on average...
6 months (jake... both times added together)
2 months (karl)
2?3? months (katie)
2 months (Maude/Mary)
3 months (staci)
5?6? moths (Corie)
2 months (Lauren)
so....
3.4.
my relationships last an average of 3.4 months.
February will be monh 3 for me an jimmie and i guess i've been subconsciously nervous about it.
hell.... racheal didn't even want to like jimmie and get attatched to him because she figured he wouldnt be around long.
she does like him by the way.
but....
tonight Jimmie said something about possibly giving me a key to his apartment.
thats a good sign.
thats a very good sign.
jeeze kid relax. <-- sg?????
i do need to relax.
its going to be alright. --> yeah thats SG. holy hell.
hello love <3
I take it this means that you've okay-ed this? this is approved?
approved. Missed you.
I love you
well. that was my primary spirit guide. who i havn't heard from...... in.....
at least September of 2016.
THATS A PRETTY FUCKING GOOD SIGN.
nightmares
so latley ive been having bad dreams,,, and i don't know why.
im alwas stressed about money, but that aside i havn't been stressed or upset.
aside from the low key anxiety about getting pregnant... but i'm going to have that until i get my copper IUD. (oh yeah...idk if i forgot to tell you but my bipolar meds make all but 1 form of birth control null and void.... thanks bipolar....)
this last one was kinda bad though.
there was a girl in the dream that had just met the day before. that night i dreampt about her and in the dream i was her, and we were having a vision of her death. the next day jimmie and i went walking (it was snowy and pretty) and we ended up finding her body. She was up on a stalk (or maybe a cross... i can't remember) with her eyes removed.
this was at a nature center where a rare type of bird came every year to lay iys eggs and raise its young during the winter.
I noticed that one of the birds in the nest was a fake.... it was a clue left by the killer.
**mind you at this part i am still reeling from the girl's fear as she saw he own death happen and knew it was coming***
so i go home and start blogging about how sad it was that those rare baby birds would probably die since the nest had been corrupted with human scent.
as i was blogging, Jimmie told me good bye and went to work or to run an errand or something. Almost as soon as he was gone, Bigus (who apparently had been in the room with me) made a move on me, knowing i wasn't interested and i was engaged to jimmie **in the dream guy**
he began holding my arms down and kissing the back of my neck as i sat at my computer desk and i felt the feeling of fear take over my body. i grew cold as my blood turned to ice and my stomach felt sick. It was the same weak feeling i had with corie. Within milliseconds my brain was reaching out to disassociate, to get away from what was about to happen...
only unlike with corie fae didn't reach back. instead i was alone. and trapped.
jimmie woke me up in that moment of realization, asking me what time it was.
the feelings still lingered, only made fresh and almost triggered flashbacks, so all i could do was curl up and cry as he held me. Mind you i was trying to keep myself together. If jimmie hadn't been there i probably would have had a panic attack.
*****
so lets intemperate?
Psychic vision - To dream that you are psychic represents your intuition and the sensitive side of your personality.
psycic dream (seeing the killer) - suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something.
murder - To dream that you witness a murder indicates deep-seated anger towards somebody. Consider how the victim represents aspects of yourself that you want to destroy or eliminate.
winter - To dream of winter signifies ill-health, depression, and misfortune. The dream may be analogous to how you are feeling - emotionally cold and frigid. Alternatively, winter is a time of reflection and spiritual introspection
baby birds dying - To dream of dead or dying birds indicates disappointments. You will find yourself worrying over problems that are nagging on your mind.
rape - To dream that you were raped or almost raped indicates you feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life.
* alternativly since rape is one of my biggest fears...
rape - To dream that you worse fears are coming true signifies your resistance to change. You are afraid to confront the unknown aspects of yourself.
how the heck do i interpenetrate that?
im alwas stressed about money, but that aside i havn't been stressed or upset.
aside from the low key anxiety about getting pregnant... but i'm going to have that until i get my copper IUD. (oh yeah...idk if i forgot to tell you but my bipolar meds make all but 1 form of birth control null and void.... thanks bipolar....)
this last one was kinda bad though.
there was a girl in the dream that had just met the day before. that night i dreampt about her and in the dream i was her, and we were having a vision of her death. the next day jimmie and i went walking (it was snowy and pretty) and we ended up finding her body. She was up on a stalk (or maybe a cross... i can't remember) with her eyes removed.
this was at a nature center where a rare type of bird came every year to lay iys eggs and raise its young during the winter.
I noticed that one of the birds in the nest was a fake.... it was a clue left by the killer.
**mind you at this part i am still reeling from the girl's fear as she saw he own death happen and knew it was coming***
so i go home and start blogging about how sad it was that those rare baby birds would probably die since the nest had been corrupted with human scent.
as i was blogging, Jimmie told me good bye and went to work or to run an errand or something. Almost as soon as he was gone, Bigus (who apparently had been in the room with me) made a move on me, knowing i wasn't interested and i was engaged to jimmie **in the dream guy**
he began holding my arms down and kissing the back of my neck as i sat at my computer desk and i felt the feeling of fear take over my body. i grew cold as my blood turned to ice and my stomach felt sick. It was the same weak feeling i had with corie. Within milliseconds my brain was reaching out to disassociate, to get away from what was about to happen...
only unlike with corie fae didn't reach back. instead i was alone. and trapped.
jimmie woke me up in that moment of realization, asking me what time it was.
the feelings still lingered, only made fresh and almost triggered flashbacks, so all i could do was curl up and cry as he held me. Mind you i was trying to keep myself together. If jimmie hadn't been there i probably would have had a panic attack.
*****
so lets intemperate?
Psychic vision - To dream that you are psychic represents your intuition and the sensitive side of your personality.
psycic dream (seeing the killer) - suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something.
murder - To dream that you witness a murder indicates deep-seated anger towards somebody. Consider how the victim represents aspects of yourself that you want to destroy or eliminate.
winter - To dream of winter signifies ill-health, depression, and misfortune. The dream may be analogous to how you are feeling - emotionally cold and frigid. Alternatively, winter is a time of reflection and spiritual introspection
baby birds dying - To dream of dead or dying birds indicates disappointments. You will find yourself worrying over problems that are nagging on your mind.
rape - To dream that you were raped or almost raped indicates you feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life.
* alternativly since rape is one of my biggest fears...
rape - To dream that you worse fears are coming true signifies your resistance to change. You are afraid to confront the unknown aspects of yourself.
how the heck do i interpenetrate that?
support
so... i have very supportive friends.
Amy and the witchy crew.
Jimmie.
My mom, although we don't talk about it.
Brooks...more or less...
he really was the one who made me feel invalid.
although after that talk between the two of us he got better about it.
then he and i had the falling out.
then i went over there, and out of nowhere fiona came out.
we were all going to talk, but it never happened.
she really hasn't said much since.
well.. brooks is the only person i really know that has DID. and since mine was different from him (if i even really haad it, because at the time i didn't know co-conscious was a thing) i fet like i couldn't talk to him about it anymore.
well i...
i joined an online support group.
and with every post i read and comment on... i'm fnding i relate to a lot of them.
i even had someone message me and tell me they related to something i posted and wanted to start conversing.
this..is..nice.
Amy and the witchy crew.
Jimmie.
My mom, although we don't talk about it.
Brooks...more or less...
he really was the one who made me feel invalid.
although after that talk between the two of us he got better about it.
then he and i had the falling out.
then i went over there, and out of nowhere fiona came out.
we were all going to talk, but it never happened.
she really hasn't said much since.
well.. brooks is the only person i really know that has DID. and since mine was different from him (if i even really haad it, because at the time i didn't know co-conscious was a thing) i fet like i couldn't talk to him about it anymore.
well i...
i joined an online support group.
and with every post i read and comment on... i'm fnding i relate to a lot of them.
i even had someone message me and tell me they related to something i posted and wanted to start conversing.
this..is..nice.
Monday, January 22, 2018
valid
i have been validated.
so the lady therapist i saw a few times did actually write down in her notes that i have DID. i told her i felt like i couldn't say i am because i don't lose time and she goes through periods of dormancy. but i've done some research...
i'm not the only one who goes through DID like this. It isn't uncommon for alter's to go dormant. So that fact that life is relativly good nowand fae has gone quiet isn't unusual.
i have what is called "co - consciousness DID". i'm not the only one. and i have found a blog (link here: ) that explains it very well. to those of you who know me, know the percentage and front seat/back-seat/driving-passenger seat analogies that i use? i'm not the only one.
i'm not the only one.
i'm not alone.
i feel validated.
so the lady therapist i saw a few times did actually write down in her notes that i have DID. i told her i felt like i couldn't say i am because i don't lose time and she goes through periods of dormancy. but i've done some research...
i'm not the only one who goes through DID like this. It isn't uncommon for alter's to go dormant. So that fact that life is relativly good nowand fae has gone quiet isn't unusual.
i have what is called "co - consciousness DID". i'm not the only one. and i have found a blog (link here: ) that explains it very well. to those of you who know me, know the percentage and front seat/back-seat/driving-passenger seat analogies that i use? i'm not the only one.
i'm not the only one.
i'm not alone.
i feel validated.
Sunday, January 21, 2018
Rant - communication
So this has been circling my head for a few days now. Ayla and I had a conversation and she made the comment that everything between the three of us fell apart from lack of communication.
That’s not true.
Lack of communication is the only reason it lasted as long as it did. Which wasn’t long.
Let’s get something clear - after finally saying out loud to Jimmie that I wasn’t okay, I was going to tell Ayla.... but then the incident happened and everything got expedited. One thing is clear though - there was no hope and no possible way thing could have worked out. The moment the words first left my lips was the moment the nail went into the coffin.
Communication (or lack of) didn’t kill the relationship. My jealousy did.
Even if I had communicated with them earlier (as soon as I realized it wasn’t going to work) there wouldn’t have been a way to fix anything.
I postponed the end as best I could but there is absolutely no mistake - it was going to end.
Communication couldn’t have saved it.
That’s not true.
Lack of communication is the only reason it lasted as long as it did. Which wasn’t long.
Let’s get something clear - after finally saying out loud to Jimmie that I wasn’t okay, I was going to tell Ayla.... but then the incident happened and everything got expedited. One thing is clear though - there was no hope and no possible way thing could have worked out. The moment the words first left my lips was the moment the nail went into the coffin.
Communication (or lack of) didn’t kill the relationship. My jealousy did.
Even if I had communicated with them earlier (as soon as I realized it wasn’t going to work) there wouldn’t have been a way to fix anything.
I postponed the end as best I could but there is absolutely no mistake - it was going to end.
Communication couldn’t have saved it.
Thursday, January 18, 2018
Not 100% sober lizard girl brain
So Jimmie and I call my insecure and slightly depressed thoughts “lizard girl brain”.
Well we’re drinking and talking and he’s having an introspective moment. A “how did I get here” look at the past year.
He lost his mom.
He lost his dog.
He lost his girlfriend - who he was going to marry.
He was prepared to devote the rest of his life to her.
Amy.
He was going to marry Amy.
How can I even think to compete with that.
I will never be Amy.
I will never be as beautiful as she is.
I won’t have her confidence.
I won’t have her natural talent.
He was going to marry her.
And he lost her.
And my lizard girl brain is telling I will never be enough to be more than just the rebound bandaid to fill the space.
I know that isn’t true.
But I also know Jimmie has a knack for telling people what they want to hear.
It’s just lizard girl brain.
On alcohol.
And several missed doses of medication.
It will pass.
But how long will these insecurities stay with me?
Well we’re drinking and talking and he’s having an introspective moment. A “how did I get here” look at the past year.
He lost his mom.
He lost his dog.
He lost his girlfriend - who he was going to marry.
He was prepared to devote the rest of his life to her.
Amy.
He was going to marry Amy.
How can I even think to compete with that.
I will never be Amy.
I will never be as beautiful as she is.
I won’t have her confidence.
I won’t have her natural talent.
He was going to marry her.
And he lost her.
And my lizard girl brain is telling I will never be enough to be more than just the rebound bandaid to fill the space.
I know that isn’t true.
But I also know Jimmie has a knack for telling people what they want to hear.
It’s just lizard girl brain.
On alcohol.
And several missed doses of medication.
It will pass.
But how long will these insecurities stay with me?
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Poem to Jimmie
You are the warmth that fills my lungs and allows me to breathe.
I feel your strong arms wrap around me, and i am safe.
The vibrations of your heartbeat lull me to a sense of peace
and i know that I am safe.
Your beautiful eyes, with their rings of copper, see more than most
- observing and full of insight; i am accepted.
Your strong mind does not judge my sense of spirit,
and i know that i am accepted.
You say that i am a goddess, and when it comes from you i believe.
Your eyes in awe move across my body; i am beautiful.
Your hands gently pull me closer, lips to my ear whispering:
and i know that i am beautiful.
Your soft lips curl into a smile while your encouraging words come to me.
Your voice empowers me, and I am loved.
I feel your heart beat, syncing with mine
and i know that i am loved.
You are my friend. My lover. My protector.
My teacher in the ways of men and sex. Do you know?
And in my rose colored world i feel it resonate within me,
and i know that i love you.
I feel your strong arms wrap around me, and i am safe.
The vibrations of your heartbeat lull me to a sense of peace
and i know that I am safe.
Your beautiful eyes, with their rings of copper, see more than most
- observing and full of insight; i am accepted.
Your strong mind does not judge my sense of spirit,
and i know that i am accepted.
You say that i am a goddess, and when it comes from you i believe.
Your eyes in awe move across my body; i am beautiful.
Your hands gently pull me closer, lips to my ear whispering:
and i know that i am beautiful.
Your soft lips curl into a smile while your encouraging words come to me.
Your voice empowers me, and I am loved.
I feel your heart beat, syncing with mine
and i know that i am loved.
You are my friend. My lover. My protector.
My teacher in the ways of men and sex. Do you know?
And in my rose colored world i feel it resonate within me,
and i know that i love you.
Saturday, January 13, 2018
Can’t sleep
I can’t sleep. Jimmie was sweet enough to stay the night with me since I wanted cuddles... we went to bed around. 2am. Well around 4 am I wake up .... my head hurts. My stomach hurts. My face hurts.
It’s now 5:45 and I have to get up no later than 9:30. Work two shifts in a row. Then try to visit with friends because I never see them and they are all going to be in one place for a night.
I’m going to die.
At least Jimmie is sleeping. I was worried because he never sleeps very well when he stays over at my place. The cats have woken him up a few times, Smokey jumped in his face once.....
But he seems to be sleeping alright afterward.
Meanwhile I’m wide awake and so tired.
It’s now 5:45 and I have to get up no later than 9:30. Work two shifts in a row. Then try to visit with friends because I never see them and they are all going to be in one place for a night.
I’m going to die.
At least Jimmie is sleeping. I was worried because he never sleeps very well when he stays over at my place. The cats have woken him up a few times, Smokey jumped in his face once.....
But he seems to be sleeping alright afterward.
Meanwhile I’m wide awake and so tired.
Friday, January 12, 2018
Round 2
Is this round 2 of being sick? I’m running a low grade fever but I feel like I’m melting it’s so fucking hot. I can’t cool off. My chest actually hurts and I have no strength. I still have my cough, ironically the congestion isn’t as bad. Dizzy when I stand up for too long
I’m so tired. I’m just so hot...
I’m so tired. I’m just so hot...
starts again
so the past few weeks have been blissful. my mental health has been amazingly stable... no mood swings up or down. fae has been pretty much silent, which is technically a good thing, although i miss her at times.
well its started again. i finallly started a depressive episode. lethargy. feeling drained. lead on my chest and limbs. irritable.
today is going on day three... woke up mad because of a bad dream. was going to be too late to cass, so i skipped. came back to jimmies an slept some more.... more bad dreams. So my mood goes from mad to just plain shitty. not to mention i feel feverish and weak again, almost like my sickness is returning. (oh i forgot to blog that i got sick last week. nothing serious... slight fever for a day with congestion and coughing. as usual its drained into my lungs. my cough and congestion has been persistent.) - but being with him made me feel a little bit better; smelling him, touching him, kissing him... mind you, he doesn't make it just all go away, but cuddling ith him at least made is a bit better.
so then we all go out for munch, Jimmie, his roommate cory, and i. i actually think im going to be able to eat all my food, maybe even order more... nope. i got hit with a wave of dizziness and tightness in my head and slight nausea. all i want then is to curl up in my bed with my cats.
so then i go home and curl into bed with my cats...
while with the boys i wanted to be alone. but once alone i wanted jimmie with me.
bipolar sucks.
Amy will be coming to visit soon though, spend the hour with me before i have to go to work. 'i miss her so much, all the time. I really wish i could speed up time to when she and i will be really okay again. I still feel like there is such a distance between us. things feel a bit awkward. I miss her.
well its started again. i finallly started a depressive episode. lethargy. feeling drained. lead on my chest and limbs. irritable.
today is going on day three... woke up mad because of a bad dream. was going to be too late to cass, so i skipped. came back to jimmies an slept some more.... more bad dreams. So my mood goes from mad to just plain shitty. not to mention i feel feverish and weak again, almost like my sickness is returning. (oh i forgot to blog that i got sick last week. nothing serious... slight fever for a day with congestion and coughing. as usual its drained into my lungs. my cough and congestion has been persistent.) - but being with him made me feel a little bit better; smelling him, touching him, kissing him... mind you, he doesn't make it just all go away, but cuddling ith him at least made is a bit better.
so then we all go out for munch, Jimmie, his roommate cory, and i. i actually think im going to be able to eat all my food, maybe even order more... nope. i got hit with a wave of dizziness and tightness in my head and slight nausea. all i want then is to curl up in my bed with my cats.
so then i go home and curl into bed with my cats...
while with the boys i wanted to be alone. but once alone i wanted jimmie with me.
bipolar sucks.
Amy will be coming to visit soon though, spend the hour with me before i have to go to work. 'i miss her so much, all the time. I really wish i could speed up time to when she and i will be really okay again. I still feel like there is such a distance between us. things feel a bit awkward. I miss her.
Sunday, January 7, 2018
readings for the new year
what does this year hold for me?
shaman one card: retreat - get your ducks in a row, strengthen yourself for the changes to come. alternatively process through the changes that have already occurred.
What does this year hold for my heart/relationships?
shaman one card: stripping illusion- let go of the past and unfulfilled relationships, they hinder the inner beauty of what is really there.
----> one more please?: its all good - every thing that happens is a lesson. by not attaching expectations you will allow things to flow naturally.
tarot for general:
Oracle:
Amy
present/issue: the horse king - you are not meant to go through this alone
advice/action: (i got 2) the swan queen- it takes time, wont happen over night. Lady of love and compassion - you are loved and as long as you go forward with love, i will be ok.
possible outcome/final advice - spirituality. we will come together again through spirituality. t will be what keeps us from straying too far from each other.
done with shaman oracle
Brooks
1. home - sense of belonging
2.inner journey - go forward with no judgment, agree to disagree
3.joy - good times ti come
4.growth - if people leave your life thank them for being there and let them go.
Coven
1. creativity - follow creative urges, a new way of being
2. teaching - formal teaching experience...
3. home - belonging, things are as they are supposed to be
*** DO I FINALLY GET A SPIRITUAL TEACHER?????
Jimmie
1. letting go.....of? -> grounding: warns against false grounding... unhealthy coping mechanisms
2. omens - pay attention to coincidences
3. integration - listen to intuition, be who you really are not what everyone says.
4. retreat - ready yourself for change, grow in strength both physically and spiritually
5.past, present, future - let go of the past and judgments to move forward and enjoy the present and future.
What does this semester hold for me?
shaman
1. duality - instead of seeing black and white, try seeing the shades of grey.
2. transformation - this semester will act as a catalyst to a major transformation.
3. forgiveness - forgive yourself for any screw ups
4. abundance - stop focusing on physical wealth. aka - stop stressing about money
5. truth - hiding from the truth only makes the lesson more intense...aka the longer you are ignorant the worse it will be
6. burden - this card is actually about self doubt, we take on the burdens of others because we need to feel uselful and needed, which stems from feeling like we aren't enough. - i am enough.
What does this year hold for me in terms of Work and career after i graduate?
My Tarot
1. 2 of wands - enterprise, creative venture, anticipation
2. 4 of wands - celebration, harmony, fulfillment
3. 7 of wands - courage, advantage, higher ground
4. 9 of cups - contentment, fulfilled wishes
5. hierophant - alliance, marriage/the legal coming together of two parties
6. 9 of wands - perseverance, recovery, defense, resources(recovery from what?)
7. 10 of pents - domestic harmony
What will this semester look like for Jimmie
Oracle
present/issue chess queen: the fire prince - optimism! this semester will be good for you!! You just have to go into it with a positive outlook, and positive things will come.
advice/action: the hawk prince challenger - pay attention to signs... look for red flags and listen to your instincts if something doesn't feel right.
possible outcome/ final advice: high lord of gratitude and service- do things for the sake of doing them, not reward... and the reward will be great. Make decisions based on how you feel and what is right rather than which will have the most prosperous outcome.
Jimmie's Year?
Shaman one card: duality -> how you deal with challenges that come your way is up to you
details that decided to fall out: a shit ton.
Oracle:
present/issue chess queen: trust in the divine.....***** CONNECTS WITH OMENS****
shaman one card: retreat - get your ducks in a row, strengthen yourself for the changes to come. alternatively process through the changes that have already occurred.
What does this year hold for my heart/relationships?
shaman one card: stripping illusion- let go of the past and unfulfilled relationships, they hinder the inner beauty of what is really there.
----> one more please?: its all good - every thing that happens is a lesson. by not attaching expectations you will allow things to flow naturally.
tarot for general:
- 4 of swords reversed: opportunity---> for what?
- wheel of fortune - success, destiny, letting go of control
- hanged man reversed - struggle, procrastination, unwillingness
- knight of swords, ready to rush in -> to what?
- Strength: unfocused energy, overwhelming emotion
- delays, frustration
- 8 of wands reversed - apprehension, dispute
- 5 of pents - disenfranchised --> (i forgot to put what card i drew) resolution and compromise
Oracle:
Amy
present/issue: the horse king - you are not meant to go through this alone
advice/action: (i got 2) the swan queen- it takes time, wont happen over night. Lady of love and compassion - you are loved and as long as you go forward with love, i will be ok.
possible outcome/final advice - spirituality. we will come together again through spirituality. t will be what keeps us from straying too far from each other.
done with shaman oracle
Brooks
1. home - sense of belonging
2.inner journey - go forward with no judgment, agree to disagree
3.joy - good times ti come
4.growth - if people leave your life thank them for being there and let them go.
Coven
1. creativity - follow creative urges, a new way of being
2. teaching - formal teaching experience...
3. home - belonging, things are as they are supposed to be
*** DO I FINALLY GET A SPIRITUAL TEACHER?????
Jimmie
1. letting go.....of? -> grounding: warns against false grounding... unhealthy coping mechanisms
2. omens - pay attention to coincidences
3. integration - listen to intuition, be who you really are not what everyone says.
4. retreat - ready yourself for change, grow in strength both physically and spiritually
5.past, present, future - let go of the past and judgments to move forward and enjoy the present and future.
What does this semester hold for me?
shaman
1. duality - instead of seeing black and white, try seeing the shades of grey.
2. transformation - this semester will act as a catalyst to a major transformation.
3. forgiveness - forgive yourself for any screw ups
4. abundance - stop focusing on physical wealth. aka - stop stressing about money
5. truth - hiding from the truth only makes the lesson more intense...aka the longer you are ignorant the worse it will be
6. burden - this card is actually about self doubt, we take on the burdens of others because we need to feel uselful and needed, which stems from feeling like we aren't enough. - i am enough.
What does this year hold for me in terms of Work and career after i graduate?
My Tarot
1. 2 of wands - enterprise, creative venture, anticipation
2. 4 of wands - celebration, harmony, fulfillment
3. 7 of wands - courage, advantage, higher ground
4. 9 of cups - contentment, fulfilled wishes
5. hierophant - alliance, marriage/the legal coming together of two parties
6. 9 of wands - perseverance, recovery, defense, resources
7. 10 of pents - domestic harmony
What will this semester look like for Jimmie
Oracle
present/issue chess queen: the fire prince - optimism! this semester will be good for you!! You just have to go into it with a positive outlook, and positive things will come.
advice/action: the hawk prince challenger - pay attention to signs... look for red flags and listen to your instincts if something doesn't feel right.
possible outcome/ final advice: high lord of gratitude and service- do things for the sake of doing them, not reward... and the reward will be great. Make decisions based on how you feel and what is right rather than which will have the most prosperous outcome.
Jimmie's Year?
Shaman one card: duality -> how you deal with challenges that come your way is up to you
details that decided to fall out: a shit ton.
- omens - pay attention to coincidences in your life. look for patterns.
- growth - people come and go, let them, and learn. new room for new beginnings.
- creativity - this year will bring you new avenues to explore via trying things you would normally never do. act on your impulses. card symbolizes the birth of a new state of being.
- emotional release: voice your feelings, don't bottle them up in an attempt to seem :strong". find a way to let negative emotions out... journal, dance, ect. it will be healing.
- self love - admit your past mistakes and let them go. don't dwell on them and forgive yourself, embrace and learn from your imperfections. love yourself.
- sexual energy: sexual energy come from within us, how we use it is important. It can be used for manipulation or to bring energies closer....essentially this card is saying sexual energy can be spiritual.
- sacred space: essentially this card says you need to make an alter. doesn't have to be spiritual, but have a sacred spot on a shelf or a room where you keep items that are dear and meaningful to you. pictures of loved ones, ites that remind you of people or memories. keep a candle there, even if you never light it.
- home: this year has the potential to "bring you home". to a place in your life where you are safe and secure. It leads to a family or a point in your life where you settle down. It could be a place you will visit and you will be struck with a sense of belonging. no matter what you will find a "home". <3
- struggle: any struggle that comes to you this year will only help you to grow. when it comes, ask yourself, what is this teaching you? (this might come from hindsight as a means to get past the challenge or see the purpose of it)
- Joy: self explanatory. Good things come your way, a year of self reflection and love.
Oracle:
present/issue chess queen: trust in the divine.....***** CONNECTS WITH OMENS****
advice/action: Gaia's Garden - you will have all you need, enjoy the fruits of your labor. what you need will come to you when you need it. Embrace the good.
possible outcome/ final advice: queen of light challenger:don't give in to fear or rejection or failure. if its meant to be it will be. DO THE THING (whatever it is when it comes)
possible outcome/ final advice: queen of light challenger:don't give in to fear or rejection or failure. if its meant to be it will be. DO THE THING (whatever it is when it comes)
spring 2018 textbooks
**mind you none of these have actually been bought or rented yet, this is for when i get my money.
Anth: 9781442268845 ---> Chegg E textbook bought 52$
https://ereader.chegg.com/#/books/9781442268869!/4/2/2@0:0.00
Poetry:
Anth: 9781442268845 ---> Chegg E textbook bought 52$
https://ereader.chegg.com/#/books/9781442268869!/4/2/2@0:0.00
Poetry:
- 9780060908904 ---> bought amazon 6.45
- 9781555976811 ---> bought amazon 8.34
- 9781555977856 --- > bought amazon 9.02
- 9780394747705 ---> rent from chegg 11.49
- 9780618872657 ---> bought amazon 9.88
- 9780880015578 ---> rent from chegg 11.49
Personality: 9780078035357 --> rent from chegg 37.99
*** backpack subscription 18 ( https://www.packback.co)
Sex:
9781627519601 --> bought on amazon 65
9780313380860 --> bought amazon 49
chegg free shipping if cart = more than 50$
WOWCHEGGTHX
professors and classes
monday/wed/fri
ethnographic methods - Brooks - notes heavy, pay attention, don't need to buy the book, 3 tests
personality - Baker - seems easy going, do online tests, GO TO CLASS
tues/thurs
poetry - Mrs Amber Thomas... had her for creative nonfiction. do the work and it will be fine.
human sexuality - Dr. Knox ---> love him, personal friend, yes!
get it together
so tomorrow is the firt day of my last semester and i don't have my shit together. I dont ave any of my books. i havn't made a spreadsheet of my schedule yet. I havn't looked up my professor on ratemyprofessor yet. like jesus, what is wrong with me.
well for the first part - i don;t have my refund yet to buy my books.
buuuuttt... since i'm sick i might as well do what i can.
step 1 - do my schedule spread sheet.
step 2 - look up professors
step 3 - read the syllabuses for classes
step 4 - make a list of all the textbooks i need
step 5 - GET MY MONEY and actually buy/rent said books.
i also need to
- actually get my school bag together. Notebook, pens, laptop.
- do some tarot/oracle/shaman readings for the new year. and for after graduation. i'm kind of terrified.
-make a linkdin
BTW i dropped the Dr. Mathews class that i really didnt want to take so now i'm back at 12 credit hours.
well for the first part - i don;t have my refund yet to buy my books.
buuuuttt... since i'm sick i might as well do what i can.
step 1 - do my schedule spread sheet.
step 2 - look up professors
step 3 - read the syllabuses for classes
step 4 - make a list of all the textbooks i need
step 5 - GET MY MONEY and actually buy/rent said books.
i also need to
- actually get my school bag together. Notebook, pens, laptop.
- do some tarot/oracle/shaman readings for the new year. and for after graduation. i'm kind of terrified.
-make a linkdin
BTW i dropped the Dr. Mathews class that i really didnt want to take so now i'm back at 12 credit hours.
Thursday, January 4, 2018
Job applications
so I submitted a job application to be a server at ec pho and tonight I’m submitting one to Texas road house, starlight, chop house, wasabi 88, longhorn, and I’ll look around.
Time to leave Foodlion.
Time to leave Foodlion.
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