Guilt trip

Cory said he would take Diana to work at 5am.

Backed out again.

So of coarse it falls on me again.

Well I am obviously not happy, so he proceeds to try and guilt trip me!!!

“She’s not some bum,no good person....”

Never said she was.

“This is the most stable living environment she’s had in a while”

I know.

“She’s trying to get back on her feet. She’s doing really well and just needs some support, we should do what we can because she deserves the help. Like Jimmie says, she’s just doing her best.”

Yeah. I know. I talk about how proud I am of her.

And if that’s how you feel, THEN YOU CAN WAKE UP AT 4:30 AND TAKE HEE RO WORK LIKE YOI SAID YOU WOULD THE LAST TWO TIMES.

I said I would take her.
I never said I would be happy about it.

And how dare he try to guilt trip me.

“You’ll get repayment.... karma and monitary”

I said I would do it. It’s not out of the goodness of my heart it’s because I don’t want Jimmie to have to deal with it before work. So no. I won’t be getting good karma.

But since I didn’t bother to hide my anger to at the situation or at Cory, Jimmie volunteers to take her.

Now I feel guilty as hell that he has to get up hours before work and take her.

And I look like a in compassionate bitch.


But I didn’t sign up to be a fucking taxi.
I don’t mind giving a ride or two after 11 if I don’t have plans. But to begin with she was suppose to work right down the street. Which is why she moved in so fucking early.


I get it. None of this is her fault.
She is struggling and doing the best that she can.

I know. I sympathize.

Doesn’t make me any less irritated.

Soon.

Soon.

Just heard our first light bill. Now I’m stressing about money.

Well apparently there is some from the previous apartment, (so I don’t know how much my share will be this month) - but this apartment is about 135 in utilities.

A full month could be about 180.
Rent is 685.
Internet is 85.

That’s 950.

3 people paying.  316.67 each.

When Diana pays off her lawyer and starts paying her share of bills

4 people paying: 237.50 each.

79. 17 difference per person.


Plus groceries.

I’m working 4 days a week now, not 5 or 6.
My paychecks are close to 100$ lower now.

It really can’t come soon enough.


Rent, utilities, internet: 317
Phone: 45
Car insurance 160
Health insurance 25
Credit card: 75
Gas 60
Cats 40
Groceries 100
Student loans: 25


847$

So a minimum of 850$ in monthly expenses.

Sigils and seals

So I need to make some sigils and seals.

I figure the best way for me to stop feeling so bad and upset is simply for me to stop caring.

So let’s seal up those pesky emotions.

Seal loneliness
Seal hurt
Seal ____ (I need a word for craving someone’s company)
Seal jealousy (no it’s not romantic jealousy, so my former seal won’t work) or,
Seal resentment
Seal regret



Sigils for:
Independence
Nonchalant (would do apathy but that might influence more than my relationship... better do it on a pink candle.)
Solitary
Indifferent
Confidence
Self efficient



Some I’ll do on candles, some I’ll do on skin, some I might burn on paper.

But hey, now I have some spells to do.

I can’t affect his behavior, but I can mine.

Maybe I’ll make myself a witch bag.
I’ll put in some of the sigils, sealed in charged wax (or moon water).
I’ll get some stones and herbs.
——keep under pillow——-

- bay leaf
-calendula/marigolds
-marjoram
-sage

Back and forth

Yesterday I get to spend time with him and it was great. It was wonderful. I had him all to myself. I felt loved, I felt happy. we spent quality time together, not just on our phones next to each other barely touching.

I come home from a long day at work, looking forward to spending the next two hours with him; Mr. Caird gave me a bottle of wine and I was planing on putting on a movie or show and relaxing with him. It was one of the things that got me through my shift tonight... which was very long and chaotic. 

Instead I’m greeted with a kiss hello, a quick hug, and he returns to playing video games. 

With Diana. 

I get they both enjoy video games and it’s a hobby for them. 

She had work earlier, probably worked 8 hours and wanted to destress.  That’s what.. her being home at 7. Give an hour to eat and change and what not...so 8; I got home at 11. 3 hours of playing? 

He had an appointment at 3. Wasn’t home until after I got left for work. So let’s say 7 again.  So they’ve both had like 3 hours of playing. 

Not as long as their usual perhaps. But she’s gotten to see him for those 3 hours. I wanted my turn. 

I know the cards said I need to get red of this victim perspective but godsdammit. 

I was looking forward to being with him. 

But whatever. I’ll watch a movie in the room. Drink my wine and spend time with my cat. 

Maybe I’ll get a good night kiss before bed, although doubtful since I don’t think I’m going to make it through the movie. I’ll probably pour my wine back in the bottle too. I really only like to drink if I’m in a good mood. 

And I am far from my former good mood. 

Maybe Darcy and Eliza will lighten my mood so I can at least not have bad dreams.

Kind of want to text Savannah but don’t want to annoy her. 

Huh.

Huh.

The universe apparently is making a mockery of me because after that blog post I got to spend quality time with Jimmie... and for the first time ... I’m going to have the apartment to myself.

Cory has class at 3.
Jimmie has a dr appointment at 3.
And Diana is at work.

Huh.

Finally

Tonight’s after his class, Jimmie spent some quality time with me. As in, closed the door, put a movie on in the room, and cuddled. 

Played music and just held me. 

I could cry I’m so happy. 

I’ve missed this

Alone

the downside to living with three other people... aside from not having any place to escape to when everyone is home... is it’s almost impossible to be home alone.

There is always someone here.

Cory gets out of class before I even wake up.
Idk what’s going on with Diana’s job, but she’s always home.

I don’t want to interact with them but I don’t want to just stayed cooped up in my room.

There is only so much I can do outside the apartment without spending money.

It’s impossible to have the apartment to myself. Or to just have it be Jimmie and I for more than 10 minutes.

Let’s be real. That’s the real issue.
It seems impossible to get time alone with him. I get home from work and he’s playing video games or watching a movie with Diana. I get that they are best friends. but sometimes it feels like I’m third wheeling in my own relationship. the only real alone time I get with him is when we are going to bed.

Granted, he’s trying. I see that. But frankly I don’t think that one day a week of us spending some time together is enough to fix what’s going on. unfortunately it seems we might have to just ride it out and hope for the best. Because I don’t know what else to do.

It was hard before but now school is added on top of that, he now has homework to do when he’s home. Which don’t get me started on - because apparently he can watch alto with the other 2 but gets to homework as soon as I come home. It seems the only day we would be able to spend the most time together is going to go back to being homework day.

I miss how it was. I miss seeing him all the time. I miss going on errands together. I miss our late night trips to Walmart or Taco Bell. I miss being on the same schedule as him.

I don’t miss having to leave by babies to see him  or leaving him to see my babies... but I miss having my place. I miss having a place I could go with him to get away from everything and everyone else. I miss having a place away from everyone and everything else.


I’m just feeling so lonely and pessimistic. I wish I could go back and freeze time.

Whirlwind

my thiighhts are in a whirlwind.

What I talked to Victoria about.
Am I hearing things? And if so, what did Aaron actually say and why did I misheard him?
What does “be still” mean? Time will just work everything out? I know he’s making an effort, so why do I still feel this way? How will being still fix it?

And why is my brain bringing up pointless issues and negative feelings when I’m trying to go to sleep?

Ugh!

How do?

how does one make friends?

I’m not in school anymore which was the best chance of making friends I had. 

Maggie I feel like has moved on. 

Victoria is moving away.

As is, I run the risk of suffocating Savannah with my friendship. I don’t want to become a nuescence.  

So how does one make friends as an adult-ish person?

Because I am so very lonely. 

NOT giving up on Grad School

Cornell University (Ithica, NY)
University of Michigan, Ann Arbor (Ann Arbor, MI)
University of Notre Dame (Notre Dame, IN)
University of Iowa Writers’ Workshop (Iowa City, IO)
Miami University, Ohio


Cameron and i chatted....

West Virginia University.

fully funded. teaching stipend of 15,650$

talking to him this sounds like an amazing school.... only take 3 fiction writers though...

I love you

You’re asleep.
I’ve dozed back and forth for the last two or three hours.

Please don’t leave me.
We are in a rough transitional period.
Please don’t give up on me.

I love you.

I’m going for a fucking drive. I don’t know where I’m sleeping tonight.

Fuck it

So I’m the bad guy because once again I’m in a bad mood. Why?

Because inconsiderate behavior irritates the hell out of me. And I’ve had a headache for the past 3 hours.

For the THIRD time Jimmie has unplugged something of mine that was charging to make room for him to use. After I just said something to him about it.

And on top of that they (mostly Racheal) are being really loud. AT THREE IN THE FUCKING MORNING. And the response I got every time I bring up the fact that people are sleeping? Both of them said “fuck ‘em”.

Blatant inconsideration.

It pisses me off.

But I’m the bad guy and Jimmie is mad because I’m in a bad mood.

Just fuck it.

Maybe I’ll go sleep at moms tonight.

**update: Diana points out the time and they fucking quiet down. What the fuck. I’m so fucking done.

Rant

this is a rant. I have people coming over soon and I need to make myself cheery - which means I need to get this off my chest so I can play host.

i have finished all my food prep for the party. jimmie and i get back from the store and diana is playing video games, jimmie makes a comment indicating he is about to play with her, so i play on my phone. as he is making hs lunch he tells me he has next saturday off.

i say "cool".

 he adds that he has monday and tuesday as half days - again i say "cool".  I don't know what he was expecting. cool, get to see you for a few hours before i go to work. its not like we can really do anything sine we only have from 12 until 4.

then he mutters "i'm sorry i can't make this relationship work." to me, this seems like a dramatic statement so i ask him where it came from. he tells me that for the past month ive been nothing but negative, that all i do is stay on my phone, i'm never excited, and that i might as well be a teenager.

2 weeks out of that month ive been depressed. as for everything else? what tee fuck am i suppose to do? i can be on my phone or i can do the same exact thing on my laptop. Diana is pretty much on the tv all the time and when he is home they pretty much just play video games. what am i suppose to do other than be on my phone? there is nothing to do!

i'm bored and i'm unhappy.

when he has time off all it means is that i actually get to wake up next to him. Maybe watch an episode or two of our show if i'm lucky. Most of the time He just plays on his phone and watches boring youtube videos - so i likewise am on my phone.

and what is there to get excited over? A fucking computer that wasn't fucking there? Oh yay, i get to lay in bed on my pone next to you while you watch educational youtube videos - or worse fucking family guy clips.

what is there to be excited about? What is there for me to do other than be on my phone?
like i dont know what the fuck he expects from me?

And I am not about to have a fucking fight with him in front of Diana.

To do today

• Love my cat shower 
•  face mask 
•  go buy liquor for party 
• 151, coconut rum
• go buy snacks for party
• tooth picks
• bbq sauce
• meatballs
• veggies
• chips 
• dip
• soda
• juice
• juice for liquor
•  go buy chicken and cauliflower for dinner
• marinate chicken
• go get hair and makeup at savannah's
• Change into dress

Prank

so there is 2 main  reasons that you prank someone; The first being to make someone laugh and the second one to hurt someone’s feelings.

 An example of the first: I was planing on pranking Jimmie by wearing something sexy and getting him to follow me to the bedroom...  only for him to discover me wearing a super funny cartoon head.

 Well Jimmie  decided to play a prank. Yesterday he told me that he had a surprise waiting for me from his work. He told Savannah what it was but not me. I went out after work, so when I came home he was asleep. But I saw an iMac computer box in the living room...  according to Savannah he  had told her that if a customer leaves a product at his store for more than 90 days then an employee can take it home.

Sounded too good to be true... but I had a friggin iMac in front of me...

So I got excited.

I want a desktop to do my writing on. He knows this, And the computer was big enough to keep in the room kind of like a tv - something that I think would help me to have more alone time with him. Which would also mean I wouldn’t have to buy a tv.

So I got hella excited.

Only to discover today that the box was empty. He said something about wanting to trick Cory, he even put weights in the box. Only Cory didn’t get tricked - I did.

I don’t get it. I don’t see how this prank would make someone laugh... if he pranked Cory, it wouldn’t have been funny. As it stands I got pranked and I don’t find it very funny.

In fact I’m disappointed.

And if the prank wasn’t done to make someone laugh... then what? I don’t think he was setting out to hurt anyone... but I don’t see the point if the prank.

Maybe it’s because he and I aren’t on the same page anymore. But I don’t get it and it intact only made me feel worse about how things are going.

car insurance

• geico quote 
• 145 monthly
•  call back 8/29
• Statefarm
• ____ monthly
• USAA
• _____ monthly

for full coverage... go with whats cheaper

vacation ideas

3 day trip to Atlantis resort = way to fucking expensive. like 3 times as much as a 5 day cruise.

cruise....... = jimmie says no.

like. what is there to do?

Hypothetical 3 day vacation June1-3

- Disney World....

3 day tickets to all 4 parks and a water park or other fun activity.
$850 after tax. (not including food or hotel. )
+ 100$ of food each day.
+100
+100
+100$for hotel (2 nights)
+100$ for hotel
-----------------------
1,350$

jesus.


- Universal? .... looks promising. must look closer to date though...

Bush Gardens is a day trip :/

- Greece?

• flight + hotel for 2: 
• archeological tour of akrotiri with wine tasting and black sand beaches - 50$ per person
• Sanatori sunset cruise with dinner (visit volcanoe, diving/swimming in hot springs, buffet dinner) - 86 per person
• Morning Boat Tour (see volcano, then hotsprings)
• Private Wine Tour 115$

- Washington, DC

more ideas and updates to come

I thought wrong.

i thought today would be better.

It started out better.

I had begrudging plans to try to talk about how I’m feeling.

I was looking forward to that  guaranteed time with him.

But no.

Now I’m back at square fucking one.

This must be how the cats felt.... no wonder they pissed on my bed all the time.

Late night thoughts part 2.

so I’m in a not pleasant bipolar episode that has been going on since Monday.

And it all really boils down to missing my boyfriend.

I just posted a blog post that explains how I’m feeling and why, explains my behaviors, and the thoughts that spring forward from all of this. Hence the part 2 title.

Except I took it down.

Words are so much easier to do when written. I will always be able to write my feelings better than speaking them. But the truth that came out in those words can be hurtful. I can’t say them and I honestly don’t know if I can share them even written.

I feel once they are out I will regret them, even if true. Especially if this passes.

I hate censoring. I’ve always said that I wouldn’t censor my blog - my safe place to voice my thoughts and read them back to myself (probably my healthiest coping mechanism). But I do. Often.

I will end this post with the same words however:

Gods above let this get better.
Because this hurts. And it’s making me a bitch.

Good one

You know you’ve found a good one when he’s compassionate enough to stop and save a baby deer.

I’m missing everything.

Two hours a day hurts more than if I just didn’t see him at all.

It feels exactly like I thought it would.


Now I’m sitting alone in my car, have been for the past hour, trying to force myself to eat something and go back. I have to help unpack.

I’m so hungry but the thought of eating makes me sick.

What the fuck am I doing?