Upswing

So life seems to be taking an upswing. Jimmie and I are doing well, things at home seem to be going smoothly, and ...


I am officially going to grad school.
I got my acceptance letter and I’m going to start in January.


I don’t have to worry about my student loans... they are going into deferment for November and December, and then will of coarse be on the back burner while I’m in school again.

Aside from physically feeling terrible, life is good.

Surprise party for Maggie

So I sang kareoke tonight. By myself. Twice.
Huge step for me considering I haven’t been able to do that since I was a child and booed off.


I had fun.
I think Jimmie has fun for the first half... and then he was ready to go but everyone was waiting for their second song.

But good. It was a good night.

Decided

So my situation withvjimmie has been needing a decision. I’ve been at an emphasis... I’ve had a lot of thoughts I haven’t shared with him because I hate bringing up problems with no solution.

Notes I took the other day because if I don’t write them down I never remember them clear enough to talk about...

• I’m happy being with you but I’m not happy in the relationship 
• I know I’m not happy with how things are but I don’t know what exactly needs to change. 
• It’s not just the amount of time we spend together… it’s the lack of social setting. You won’t come to any parties that my friends host because you don’t like them. I spend most of my time when I go out missing you. But I want to go out so I do. I can’t go out with you and I hate it. 
• I feel like when you say “I love you” you mean it… but other times you say it out of habit. Or you say it because you think I want to hear it. 
• I feel like we ignore our problems by distracting ourselves with sex… at least I do. 
• I love you. And I belive if we can make it past whatever this is we will be okay… I just don’t know how to get past it. And if we can make it that long. 
• I’m not miserable but I’m discontented. I don’t know what can be done to change that; that’s just how I feel any time I’m not with you and I think about our relationship. If people ask how we are doing I don’t know what to say.  We aren’t good. We aren’t fighting but we aren’t in a good place. 
• But then when I’m with you and it’s just the two of us spending time together I don’t feel the above statements. I don’t bring any of it up when I’m with you because I’m happy when I’m with you. And when I do have this stuff on my mind I don’t know how to bring it up or say any of this because I hate presenting problems when I can’t offer a solution. 
• I don’t want to break up. I want to work to make things better. Reclaim our spark…. I just don’t know how. 

And I thought he was oblivious.

He isn’t. He mentioned it today, that he knows I’m discontented. (His word. I swear he’s a mind reader. Fucking empath.)

We talked. And I’ve come to my decision.

I’m going to actively try to make it work. And he is too.

He’s willing to go to Savannah’s Halloween party with me; and trust me that’s a big deal.

And I honestly think when people see how happy we are together... how good we actually are when we can be with each other, their disapproval will lessen.

So he’s agreed to be more social. Especially because that’s one of my biggest concerns.  This means  More group dates. Game nights. Getting out there.

I was reminded today how much I love him.
I’m not going to give up.

We may be in a rough patch; quite a long one... but I do have hope that we will get through it.

I’ve decided.
This is me taking action.

Manic

So I went manic last night.
It was one of those flash episodes that only lasts a few hours but are so fucking intense.


Thank the gods Jimmie has enough patience to put up with me.

I still have that sense of craving but it’s at a like... 20% and was at like 80% last night.

So now I’m mildly manic. I want to go go go go go go go buy have no energy to do do do do do dodo.
Last night I could have run a marathon and stayed up past 6am.
Last night I could have done a lot of things. None of them good.

But now I lay in bed feeling like I got hit by a train and kicking myself for not taking my thyroid medicine.

I still want something to happen. A spiritual catalyst.
I’ve been stagnant in my spirituality for too long.

Craving

i have this craving.

I need something. A catalyst. Something to jump start me.

I tried adrenaline. We ended up going to the fair instead of roller coasters so it didn’t work out.

Idk what to try next.

It’s why I’ve been wanting mushrooms again.
I want to do something powerfully witchy.

Whether it’s a natural, chemical, or spiritual high..

I need something.

I feel stagnant.

Sex isn’t filling this need.

I just.. I’m craving something.

Why bother?

why do I bother planning anything?

I plan parties? No one comes.


make a full weekend worth of plans... none of it happens.
None of it.

Why do I even bother?


I’ve got nothing to do today. I’ve been looking forward to fishing and bowling all week... when the fishing couldn’t happen I at least had the bowling.

Now there’s no bowling. No free lunch. No fun.

I’m excited to see Jimmie but he’s going to be too tired from larping that he’s just going to want to sleep.


So I now get to just play on my phone and try to find something worth watching on tv.


Or go to my moms place and do the same.

Why bother doing anything.

I don’t even have the motivation to get out of bed.

Make over

I’m keeping my current hair style. I’m going to get the part fixed and the side/back trimmed but not shaved.


Then I’m going to dye the short hair burgundy and give myself some burgundy highlights.


I’m going to need
- burgundy hair dye
- volume 30 developer??
- bleach powder
- gloves

I’m. Or bleaching till blonde, I’m bleaching till it’s light brown/red undertones. So that the color will stick better.

I think I’m also going to invest in getting some false lashes and glue.

I want to be prettier. I’m already improving my make up style... time to work on my head in general.

It’s fall. It’s my favorite fashion season... I want to own it.

I could use the self esteem.

Nothing

What happened with Jimmie is nothing...and I mean nothing... compared to actual assault.

A coworker was assaulted by an ex.. he forces his way into her house, shoved her will all his might into the bedroom, through her on the bed, repeatedly threatened to beat her face in, through her dressers around the room, stole her phone and slashed her tires.


Jimmie shoved me once. There was no threats. I wasn’t scared he would come after me. I was more angry/shocked than scared after it happened.

I wasn’t lock-myself-in-a-closet-with-a-shotgun level scared.

That is real.

What Jimmie did was nothing in comparison.

I really over reacted.

xmas planning

• Amy - i'm torn between 2...
• Aaron
• Dakota

• Diana
• Cory
• Maggie

• Jimmie - one on amazon....torn between the 2 on etsy.....
• Lexxie
• Savannah - i'm torn between 3 possible gifts...
• Mom - take her to that one place.... + books
• Cara  - amazon + ugc