anxiety attack at work

talked with Lex at work about how is not uncommon for older lesbians to target younger ones and groom them because they are naive and easily manipulated.

got me thinking about how i am going to start to have to really talk about corrie and our relationship. which made me realize that most of it is a blur now.... and i got scared that she (my therapist) wouldn't believe me... 

and then i started to flashback. 

I got angry at myself and Fiona started correcting me and telling me it wasn't my fault...

i repeated it after her but i got stuck on it and with every repeat i felt more and more fragile... like i was desperate to defend myself to the world. IT WASNT MY FAULT.

I wanted to reach out to someone... Lexi had people at the bar and i didn't want to bother her.... my mom and friends were busy and besides what could they really do? I couldn't call Jimmie. I just felt so alone.

I was maybe a minute to two minutes away from hyperventilating when Mr. caird called me over to him. I think he saw me pacing and saw my expression. 

He gave me some wines to taste, the first of which was so bitter it actually kind of shocked me. 

Having something physical to the senses gave my brain something to hold onto in the tossing sea inside my brain and allowed me to pull/fiona to pull me out of the anxiey attack.

and now she keeps having me repeat

This does not make me weak.

I am strong. 

I am stronger than this. 

This does not make me weak.

I am strong.

I am stronger than this. 

I am stronger than this.

I am stronger than this.

and now i'm home and I can cry.