Episode....

I had a episode last night 😞 we had just finished having sex and (I don’t know if you can have a flashback that’s just emotion without a memory but that that’s kind of what happened) - all of a sudden out of now where My body froze and I couldn’t speak.

I started crying and even though logically I knew nothing was wrong and everything had been fine and consensual I was scared and my brain was convinced I had been hurt.
I felt afraid and vulnerable and used and poor Jimmie tried his best to comfort me.
He helps saying he was sorry and reassuring me I was safe and loved and the whole time I just wanted to scream and hide in a hole. 😞😞😞

It was as if I couldn’t think, I could barley breath... I couldn’t control the tears or myself.
I felt just like I did when I had gotten home the night after the incident with Corrie.

Hurt. Used. Betrayed. Scared.

Makes no sense.. the only thing I can think of is that we have each other massages before hand, which Corrie use to do. But we’ve done that plenty of times with no episodes or flashbacks.


***edit the emotional flashback is called an  implicit flashback.
I wasn’t reliving anything, just put in an emotional state that came out of fucking nowhere.
That was last night.
I woke up feeling embarrassed, weak, pathetic, - a shaky weepy mess. So I did what anyone would do... I went to see my mom.
She got me back to a sense of normalcy, although I still feel kind of fragile.