He had a firm rule: nothing sexual would occur if alcohol was involved.
She knew better than for a first meeting to occur in the man's own home, with no one else present. But after he told her of his firm rule, something he didn't budge on unless he had been with someone for a length of time, she felt safe.
As a safety net, she made sure to mention that she had been drinking that night. In fact she was bringing alcohol with her to come hang out, simply so they could talk and get to know each other. See what kind of vibes were present in person, since speaking virtually was going so well.
Things went well. They both drank, the conversation did cover a few sexual areas of hypotheticals and different preferences, but it mostly lingered at heavy flirting and light hearted conversation. Which was why she found herself shocked when he put his hands down her pants.
Now at this point, she was fairly drunk and some light petting wasn't a deal breaker - in the moment. She knew she would regret it sober but that was for her future self to deal with. But when things moved forward, she again was shocked. He had said he made a point to always ask before doing something new with a new person, and before she knew it her pants and underwear were off. His head was between her thighs.
She froze. Let it happen. Let it happen and it will be done soon. She tried to ignore the unease she felt and the red flag at how reluctant he seemed to be to kiss her but how eager he was to get her pants off. She was drunk, she didn't say stop. This was consensual... so long as this was the farthest things went. She refused to let it go past this, even drunk.
But she wasn't comfortable. Naturally.. she had a panic attack. To his credit, he backed off and comforted her. She indicated that perhaps it was best that they call it a night, although he kept insisting she could stay the night. She knew - if she stayed the night, he would do something while she was asleep. She knew. So she held her ground, it was time to go. She began to put on her pants but he made her stop, insisting that he wanted to try "just one more thing." When she asked what he just guided her to the wall, her pants at her knees, and pinned her there. Her breath whooshed out of her in a grunt as his body weight pinned her in place, and again she froze as she felt a pressure between her thighs.
Shock and nausea rolled over her as she realized he was trying to force himself inside her. At this point her body had shut down, and her vaginal muscles had tightened to form almost a seal. Frustrated he jammed his fingers in, in an attempted to open her up so he could try again. She winced at the pain but breathed a sigh of relief when he backed off of her, frustrated and unsuccessful. She stood in shock for another second and then hastily pulled away from the wall and pulled up her pants. They hadn't discussed having sex that night. There was no warning he was planning on doing that. He wasn't even wearing a condom. She tried to remember how to breathe and plastered a smile on her face. She needed to leave.
Immediately she let it get wiped from her mind; the incident in its entirety had taken less than a single minute. She would talk with him tomorrow about things moving too fast. But for now she just needed to GET OUT. She stayed a few more minutes, fully clothed and they made small talk. The wall incident thoroughly stuffed the back crevice of her mind, she focused on the good parts of the night and snapchatted some friends.
Afterall, he showed her with his hands alone that she was not broken, and indeed was capable of intense orgasm. That was a good thing. Thats what she focused on - although a talk about pacing was much needed because she was not comfortable about going all the way to oral on the first time seeing eachother.
He handled her talk about pacing the next day well, although his complaint about how tight she was almost triggered her and she didn't really understand why.
Afterall, at this point one alter was holding the emotional turmoil over the incident and another was holding the memory itself.
It would take over a month for the alters to loosen their hold. The emotional turmoil came first. She began having issues sleeping. Nightmares. And then in a wave of shock that made her sick to her stomach she remembered the rest of that night. She tried to shove it down...
but two nights later, wine drunk and talking with trusted friends, she blurted out: "So... about a month ago, I was.. kind of assaulted." She was an emotional wreck for the rest of the night and most of the next day before, once again she began to disassociate from the memory. Unable to cope with the shame. She had let it happen again.
