Food and Nutrition

 Alright so my trainer (only see her once a month) has asked me to keep a food journal - not to go indepth with like... mcaros and calorie counting, but just in general to see what I eat and what nutrients I am getting. 

Honestly i think its going to help me eat more. 

So I want to put more thought into what I eat since I know its hard for me to eat a lot. 

Jazz sent me this video that helps identify areas where I am not getting enough nutrients:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqLuyop6Xtc&ab_channel=Dr.EricBergDC

So it looks like I need:

• zinc - possibly 
• Vitamin D - I have so many symptoms lol... I'm supposed to take prescription strength vitamins. 
• Calcium - especially at night
• Vitamin C - leafy greens
• Vitamin A /Retinol  - (causes night blindness!!!)

Things to add to diet:

• Nutritional Yeast? (helps with the B vitamins - which can help with mood, overthinking, & anxiety)
• Liver/egg yolk (Vitamin A)
• Fatty Fish - Salmon, tuna, sardines
• Vitamin D fortified Cereal (CHERIOS <3 or OJ)
• Mushrooms
• Leafy Greens (Kale & Spinach for salads as opposed to lettuce) 
• eggs. (Custards are good - made with the yolks and not the whites)
• Oranges 
• Cantaloupe, mango, and apricots are good sources of vitamin A. Orange and yellow fruits are also a good source of beta-carotene, an antioxidant that the body can convert into vitamin A

So What I'm seeing...is 

1. I need to get some fortified OJ and have at least once glass a day, especially at night. 
2. Get a kale salad mix every grocery trip (bi weekly) 
3. eat more eggs (boiled, grits, quiches)
4. start buying cantaloupe/mango with each grocery trip (bi weekly) 
5. Move to cheerios for my cereal.

I might also switch to heavy cream instead of buying milk. It will be more expensive but a whole LOT less waste, and a whole lot more nutrients. 

So now I will biweekly buy:

• Heavy Cream
• dozen eggs (any from the previous dozen will be boiled for snacks)
• Fruit (pick 2): Cantaloupe, Mango, honey dew, strawberry, blueberry
• Kale salad mix
• Frozen spinach
• Frozen veggies (as needed) 
• at least 1 bag mushrooms maybe 2
• Premade beef roast 
• Enriched OJ (which I will take with my meds every night)
• Rye bread for sandwhiches?

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Meal Ideas because I am so bad at it I might start rolling a D20 die

Easy Meals/Crock pot night before:

1. Ramen (add mushrooms and an egg)
2. Grits and eggs
3. Shrimp and grits
4. eggs salad sandwhiches/add potatoes and just eat it. 
5. Seafood boil
6. Salad (with grilled or microwaved salmon or chicken or shrimp)
7. Cereal (with heavy cream)
8. Premade Beef Roast with rice & (microwaved) veggies
9. Poke Bowl (go out and buy it or just cook the shrimp, add the fruit & kale) 
10. Sushi (buy it)
11. Chx nuggets with slaw & mac and cheese
12. Gnocchi + additives (spinach or kale & msuhrooms)
13. Chicken pot pie
14. Clam chowder (from a can) 
15. Crock pot: Broccoli/Green bean casserole + chicken or turkey; can also be made easy with cream of mushroom soup and frozen veggies
16. Crock pot: Beef Stew 
17. Crock pot: Tascan Pasta
18. Crock pot: Simple Coq au vin
19. Crock pot: Curry & Rice- lentil or chicken
20. Crock pot: Chili (turkey, chorizo, etc)
21. Crock pot: Spaghetti 

A little more effort :

1. Quiche - add ham, spinach, mushrooms, peppers, onions, etc - Mom recipe 
2. Liver and onion sandwhich
3. Dirty Rice (liver, giblets, turkey)
4. Garlic Parmesan pasta - add chx or Greek Halibut especially - Mom Recipe
1. sub pasta for cous cous
5. Cream Cheese Tuna/Salmon/Chicken pasta (with spinach, tomato, mushroom, etc)
6. Taco Bowl (shredded beef - crock pot recipe)
7. Shrimp etouffee 
8. Cauldron of joys/pork belly cubes- rillons- D&D recipe
9. Zombean attack/Black Bean Antojitos
10. Garlic-Studded Pork (chopp or tenderloin) - D&D recipes
11. Meat Pie - D&D recipe or Mom recipe 
12. Corn Soup/Maukshew (add okra)
13. Shrimp Saganaki - Mom Recipe
14. Honey Ginger Shrimp - Mom Recipe
15. Cajun Shrimp Pasta 
16. Brisket (many meals & freeze) - Mom Recipe
17. Meatloaf
18. Roasted Acorn Squash + topping (Quinoa, shredded chicken, etc)
19. Japanese green beans
20. Asian Glazed Salmon in Foil - added to Mom recipe book

In general my next grocery list:

Walmart:

• heavy cream
• kale salad
• corn on the cob
• Gnocchi
• White wine single servings
• clam chowder (can) 
• Mango fruit cups?
• Mandarin orange fruit cups
• Premade curry sauce packets
• honey pot bath bombs (ph balance)
• shredder and can opener :( 
• Quinoa 
• Enriched OJ

Wait until it is absolutely dire - then make a sams order. 

• 2 imitation crab meats (poke bowls and seafood boils)
• box of chicken pot pies --> could also buy cleaner and get from festival?
• 2 boxes of wet cat food
• Salmon fillets
• Tialpia (instead of halibut) 
• 1 cooked shrimp
• 1 uncooked shrimp
• 1 thing of happy worm vitamin gummies
• Chicken nuggets
• Enriched OJ? Sale on bulk?

Manifest Love - Poem

 Today I manifest love. 

I manifest a love that inspires, 

imbas taking over and forging words painted on the page

 or dancing on breath between loving lips.

I manifest a love that dives deep

 discovering the wonders of the mind and the world, 

discourse of the soul and a hunger to know more.

I manifest a love that sees beauty

honoring the journey of my body, the curves and scars that tell my story

and meets it with sincere awe and compassion.

I manifest a love that laughs

Joy spilling over, with easy smiles, and a playfulness

that soothes the inner child each and every day.

I manifest a love that is patient

with a kindness that never ends, spilling over to each and every soul

seeking to understand all with empathy .

I manifest a love that protects

surging forward with a fierce fire that burns away any threat

and a warmth that comforts after the fact .

I manifest a love that grows

over time and through every journey, growing in strength and depth

changing with the seasons and staying steadfast.

I manifest a love that comes to me

eagerly racing forward from the heart of the one who is meant for me

but most importantly, from within myself.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Compatibility

 Hey guys, this has been on my mind since the other week when we all “hung out” at MC and J's house and it turned out to be a dooms day prep meeting. 

I don’t know if I’m as compatible with you as you guys think I am. 

Yes, there are some things that align for sure like: our views on spirituality, hallucinogenic medicine, a deep desire for connecting to the people around us with empathy and kindness, and I am very interested in the music festival culture. You also opened my eyes to the semi-nomadic way of life which i LOVE the idea of and totally plan to do when I can. 

However:

1. If I had known that “hang out” was going to be about dooms day prepping, I would not have come. In fact I felt super uncomfortable the whole time and was actually a bit irritated I hadn’t been warned (which was not on you guys what so ever, but was just how I felt at the moment in general). You guys seemed so happy that I was there but I wasn't there knowingly - I’m not a prepper. I do not think there is going to be some catestrophic societal collapse brought on by a secret society. Every theory I have ever heard is filled with confirmation bias and paranoia, only adding unneeded stress to people who are already stressed enough. 
2. While, yes, I want to live in a tiny home with solar energy and well water - and if I can actually manage it a small greenhouse - the desire does not come wanting be off grid... it comes from wanting to live more sustainably. I don't mind being on grid at all, I would just like to use more natural resources if I can, plus it would honestly save me a lot of money in the long run so that I can live a lifestyle more aligned with me.
3. I like urban living and want to always live near a city, with access to nature anytime I want. 
4. I’m actually against anti-vaxing, unless medically necessary. This is actually something I feel fairly strong about. 
5. I’m not bothered by fluoride in the water or against processed foods. Yes I would like to eat cleaner in general but I’m also not intending to cut all processed foods from my diet. You guys are so passionate about what you eat and I almost feel a bit judged because of the level of vehemence in your voice when you talk about people who aren't bothered by it (which would be me). Energetically I check out whenever this topic comes up. 
6. I am not opposed to the 9-5 life. While I felt utterly trapped in the business industry, that was before I found out I could leave it and persue a career in spirituality. I do plan to one day open my own business/travel "church" and teach seminars on spirituality, but I know that is probably about 10 years down the line. 
7. If I were to date you guys I would probably continue to want to swing. I have love for you, how I feel goes beyond normal friendship, but it is also not an all consuming love that would make me only have eyes for you. I am drawn to you, I love many of your ideas and goals, I do feel a deep connection to you... I also feel a disconnect. 

My point is that I am still more "plugged into the matrix" than you guys are and I am concerned that you guys may not realize how much.  

Since you guys have voiced that you have actual feelings for me I want to make sure that what you feel is actually for the reality of me and what I am. A intimate friends this would be less of an issue, as I have several friends who I chalk up "thats just how they are" and I am disconnected from it. If I were to actually comitt to you as a partner, then thats a different story. 

Questions for processing

 Questions to answer based on my conversation with Demeter. 

• There is a difference between choosing to not have kids, being unwillingly sterile, and choosing to be sterile. Why do you subconsciously think choosing this is going to make you less than? 
• Who are you so afraid of disappointing by becoming sterile? 
• Even if you were to “change your mind” anbout having kids - there are other options to have a child - even a biological one. You know you don’t want to become pregnant, so why hesitate? 
• What happens to the eggs during menstruation after the ligation? Can they be harvested at a later time? 
• If your future partner insists on having you carry a child, even given the risk, would it be more expensive to harvest eggs for a surrogate or to reverse the ligation? How would you prevent another pregnancy - have him get a vasectomy? 
• You do not wish to raise a child full time. You do not wish to give birth. Why do you feel you are betraying the sacred feminine? There are many roles for women - Mother is just one single option. 
• Why do you fear the judgment of others when the decision is made for the betterment of your health and safety? Would you allow someone to point a gun at you just so you wouldn’t be judged by them? Why fear rejection for protecting yourself - if those who reject you have shown they do not care?

Ligation

 Okay so an update: I’m going to get a tubal ligation/“get my tubes tied”. 

Here’s why: 

• My desire to have biological children disappeared when I made a deal with Lilith & Demeter to transfer any fertility I have to Racheal so that Ellie would make it into this world. I don’t *want* to give birth. If I am meant to be a mom then there are other ways a child can come into my life.
• A pregnancy would be dangerous for me. For the safety of the baby I would have to be off my meds the entire pregnancy. If I was barley holding on at 2 months without meds. Going on 8-9 months of unmedicated bipolar would be literal hell. Not to mention however long I breastfed. Plus with bipolar I would be very susceptible to post partum depression. Which could be catastrophic when coupled with a bipolar episode UNMEDICATED for me and baby. 
• Condoms and spermicide only works so well; and there will always be slip ups. (Like with Evan and I slept together half asleep and he didn’t tell me he was coming so I didn’t get off of him in time). 

I don’t have any sure fire birth control methods. None of the hormonal birth control actually acts as a contraceptive because of my bipolar pills. Changing my bipolar pills is almost pointless because it would either be to another anti seizure medication and have the same problem, or an antipsychotic. 

I will NOT be on an antipsychotic. Even if I did get on one, I would have to get off of it for the pregnancy and the same risks would follow - only I’d run risk of a fucking psychotic break on top of it the same way I almost had on last time I took antipsychotics.

I know this needs to happen. It’s the safest option. But part of me feels sick at the idea of permanently changing my body. (Although, yes, it can be reversed for like $15K+). Stripping away one of the most sacred things a woman can do. Just like when I first figured out I like women.. there was a (short lived) moment where I felt like it made me less of a woman. I will be permanently separating myself from one of the blessings of the divine feminine. 

There’s almost a sense of grief, even though I don’t want to be pregnant. As a child and young adult one of my worst fears was to find out I was infertile, the baby fever was so intense that although I was terrified with every pregnancy scare I was also a little excited. Now finding out I’m pregnant is one of my biggest fears. Because if I am pregnant? I will get an abortion. There is no doubt. 

Now… if I were to by some miracle get pregnant AFTER the tubal ligation then I would take it as a sign and I would not question it, although it would take an entire village to make sure I (and the child) make it through alive. 

Theres also the fact that… I met my daughter’s spirit a few years ago. I also had a feeling that she was already born, or that she would be born, to someone else not too long after that. Part of me wonders if it was Ellie. Part of me wonders if my future life partner has a daughter. Part of me wonders if it’s a future niece. 

(Racheal is my identical twin so any of her children, share my DNA)

But a small part of me may always wonder if, at some point I was meant to have a daughter?