Ligation

 Okay so an update: I’m going to get a tubal ligation/“get my tubes tied”. 

Here’s why: 

• My desire to have biological children disappeared when I made a deal with Lilith & Demeter to transfer any fertility I have to Racheal so that Ellie would make it into this world. I don’t *want* to give birth. If I am meant to be a mom then there are other ways a child can come into my life.
• A pregnancy would be dangerous for me. For the safety of the baby I would have to be off my meds the entire pregnancy. If I was barley holding on at 2 months without meds. Going on 8-9 months of unmedicated bipolar would be literal hell. Not to mention however long I breastfed. Plus with bipolar I would be very susceptible to post partum depression. Which could be catastrophic when coupled with a bipolar episode UNMEDICATED for me and baby. 
• Condoms and spermicide only works so well; and there will always be slip ups. (Like with Evan and I slept together half asleep and he didn’t tell me he was coming so I didn’t get off of him in time). 

I don’t have any sure fire birth control methods. None of the hormonal birth control actually acts as a contraceptive because of my bipolar pills. Changing my bipolar pills is almost pointless because it would either be to another anti seizure medication and have the same problem, or an antipsychotic. 

I will NOT be on an antipsychotic. Even if I did get on one, I would have to get off of it for the pregnancy and the same risks would follow - only I’d run risk of a fucking psychotic break on top of it the same way I almost had on last time I took antipsychotics.

I know this needs to happen. It’s the safest option. But part of me feels sick at the idea of permanently changing my body. (Although, yes, it can be reversed for like $15K+). Stripping away one of the most sacred things a woman can do. Just like when I first figured out I like women.. there was a (short lived) moment where I felt like it made me less of a woman. I will be permanently separating myself from one of the blessings of the divine feminine. 

There’s almost a sense of grief, even though I don’t want to be pregnant. As a child and young adult one of my worst fears was to find out I was infertile, the baby fever was so intense that although I was terrified with every pregnancy scare I was also a little excited. Now finding out I’m pregnant is one of my biggest fears. Because if I am pregnant? I will get an abortion. There is no doubt. 

Now… if I were to by some miracle get pregnant AFTER the tubal ligation then I would take it as a sign and I would not question it, although it would take an entire village to make sure I (and the child) make it through alive. 

Theres also the fact that… I met my daughter’s spirit a few years ago. I also had a feeling that she was already born, or that she would be born, to someone else not too long after that. Part of me wonders if it was Ellie. Part of me wonders if my future life partner has a daughter. Part of me wonders if it’s a future niece. 

(Racheal is my identical twin so any of her children, share my DNA)

But a small part of me may always wonder if, at some point I was meant to have a daughter?