"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man, in possession of a great fortune, must be in want of a wife." - Pride and Prejudice
That opening line is one of the most memorable openings in literature. Show of hands, how many of you knew exactly what I was going to say, as soon as the words "It is a truth universally acknowledged..." left my lips? Exactly. While we may wish a rich paramour was a universal truth, we know it is not. However those words truly stick in my mind. A truth universally acknowledged... there are quite a few of those in existence.
The most obvious one being the "golden rule" which is referenced in spiritual paths all over the world. Buddhism, Confucianism, Taoism, Judaism, Islam, Christianity, Hinduism... they all have a variation of it; even atheists know it - "treat others how you would like to be treated." However I feel that there are a lot of universal truths out there that we may not always stop and think about the same way.
This sermon is the first in a series, pulling universal truths that all people, from all walks of life, can truly connect to, learn from, find meaning in, and unanimously take to heart. This one came to me in the most unlikely of ways - as messages from the divine do at times - an Instagram reel. It was a young man filming himself at the gym and he was just sitting down and lifting his weights to his lap, about to start whatever exercise it was and a young woman passed behind him.
"70 pounds, that's crazy" She said in appreciation and he was quick to correct her.
"No, not really. Its not that impressive." You could hear that this was something he said often to himself, he sounded sort of defeated and resigned.
"Yeah it is, It is to me. You know what they say? Comparison is the thief of Joy. If you compare yourself to others than you'll never be happy, so that's impressive weight. Who cares what other people lift." You should have seen the boys face. It was something he truly needed to hear. It was something I had been told myself in other ways, but there was something about her wording that stuck me as profound.
I want to sort of break that down..."Comparison is the thief of Joy."
There's a few ways that this can be interpreted; in this instance she means comparison to other people. This is a lesson that took me nearly 26 years to learn. Hell, there are times that I still find myself slipping into that negative mindset. Look at her, she's so much skinnier than me. Look at him, he's so motivated and driven.
I'm an identical twin. Growing up I only seemed to exist in comparison to my sister. There was always this sort of rivalry thrust upon us; given how competitive she is, she took to it quickly. Everything was a competition. I played along, but the entire time all I did was continue to feel inferior to her in every way. Everything was a comparison.
Some people tried to help me spin the never ending comparisons in a positive light for myself. "You're the friendlier twin. You're better with people. She's so scary, you're so nice." She was better with sports. Better with grades. Better with art. Better with video games... the only thing I ever seemed to fair better in when compared to her was that I was nice. I could connect to people. So I made that my entire personality. I was the nice girl. I was the servant to my community in any way I could think of. But the comparisons never stopped, not until she went away for school.
After that, I stopped comparing myself to her for a while and for the first time really started to explore who I was. I started to find joy. Still, while no longer comparing myself to her, I couldn't stop completely. I kept beating myself up over and over about where I failed in comparison to others. I wasn't as spiritually knowledgeable or experienced as my friends. I wasn't as confident as some of my classmates, who seemed fearless. Soon it seemed that everyone's lives were taking off.
Suddenly, people my age were getting careers. People around me were getting married, having babies... and what was I doing? How many of you relate to feeling like that, like your timing is off in your life or maybe even has come to a standstill while others seem to just keep marching forward?
I had a friend that confided in me that she felt lost because her life compared to everyone else was just frozen. She had dropped out of school and all her friends were graduating with their degrees. Everyone around her had a sense of purpose. Similar to me she was single and several of her friends were getting married or engaged. We were bartending and yet people were leaving the restaurant to start in their career fields. To make her feel better I offered her an oracle reading and she got a card I myself was all too familiar with: The time Keeper.
The message of the time keeper is very similar to what our young lady at the gym said. Do not compare your journey to the journey of others. Everyone has their own timing in life. Some people might... go to school, fall in love, get a career, get married, have the baby, buy the house... others might fall in love, have the baby, go to school, get a career, fall in love again and get married... there is no right or wrong timing in the grand scheme of life. This feeling came from comparing herself to those around her, and it was stripping her of her joy. She needed only to live and embrace her life, embrace her joy, and her own timing would work out.
I ended up learning that lesson a few years later after giving that reading to her, and receiving that same card many times over. I was in my first serious job, had my first graduate degree, and while I was listless because I felt like I wasn't living up to my purpose - overall I was happy. I was involved in performance art. I was involved with my local community.
My twin sister? Had her degree, starting a masters, married, owned a house, with 4 dogs and a baby on the way. Where was I in comparison? Happy. It hit me, that it didn't matter what she accomplished in her life, it didn't need to affect my happiness - because it is not a competition.
Galations 6:4 says it pretty well: "Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load." I was happy and it stemmed from releasing the comparisons I held and just thriving in my own way, whatever that looked like at the time. I took my joy back from the thief.
"Comparison is the thief of Joy."
Comparing yourself to others is not the only form of comparison that will steal your joy from you. Douglas Horton said that "Happiness in the present is only shattered by the comparison of the past".
This could be as simple as waking up to the sound of rain and instantly thinking... great. Yesterday was sunny and nice and today is just.... gonna suck with it's wet socks and bad moods. That instantly steals the happiness and joy of the day, gratitude for just waking up warm and comfortable, by comparing something completely out of your control.
A very common one I hear is comparing the past of childhood with the present of being an adult. I know when I was little, we use to say "I can't wait to grow up" and then as soon as responsibilities and the stress of being an adult kicked in we said "what was I thinking?"
One thing I have learned from working with young adults, is that there is a lot of misery that stems from facing the stress of the world. There is an intense longing for the simple times of being a child, more or less carefree (at least in comparison), and when life seemed stable and certain. In comparison, being thrown into the reality of being an adult everything is constantly changing, it seems nothing is stable, and everything is stressful. You have bills to pay, have to figure out how to balance the many hats of being an adult, deal with the fear of financial stress, political stress, dramatic stress at school or work. Suddenly they miss the days where the most stressful thing was studying for a math or science test.
That comparison of the simple and good times is stark in contrast with the world they live in. In seeing the differences and in such a negative light, they are robbed of seeing the good in their present moment. As stressful as it all is, they do have a chance at a new beginning. This is a time to reinvent onself. Learn oneself. Think about things in a new way without the pressure and expectation of their family and parents. This is a time to explore! Meet new people, learn new hobbies, go on adventures... or even in a smaller scale, if all you do is see the misery from comparison you miss chances to laugh and smile at the little things that happen in a day. This goes for everyone.
"Stop and smell the roses!" as cliche as it sounds. Its true. Stop and smell the roses, because if you keep running through life you will miss them. Stop going through life missing the little moments and opportunities for joy. If you are so caught up in the spiral of how hard life is now in comparison to the past you won't notice the goofy face your dog is making because it smelled something funny. Or the absolutely ridiculous thing a child says in the middle of the grocery store. Or the way the sunlight shines through the tree leaves outside your office window.
Comparison of the past steals your joy from the present, this includes comparisons drawn to your past self and your present self.
One would think that comparing a happier, healthier you to the you of the past would be encouraging - and if done in the right perspective it can be, but to those who carry hurt in their hearts that comparison can do the opposite.
“We’re all about progress, not perfection.” according to Selena Samuela. Like the young lady from before, she is also right. Who you are in the present does not need to be drug down by the you from the past. We all learn, we all grow, and there is no right way to go about that. Just as the Time Keeper said, everyone has their own timeline to follow.
I have known many addicts in my life, I myself was one, and one thing I would hear all the time was this sense of... unworthiness of happiness that spun from the shame of who they were in their past. The past them in comparison to who they were in the present acted as a hammer that destroyed the globe of happiness that they felt even fleetingly. It broke my heart to see and hear.
I knew a young woman I use to go to high school with, followed her sobriety journey - the many times she stopped and started again. There was a lot of shame and guilt, both during and after relapses. The resentment she felt over who she was, she blamed that self for keeping her from moving forward. But when she finally let go and focused solely on becoming who she wanted to be it was a beautiful transformation. Before when she would compare her life as an addict to her life sober it caused her to isolate. She was afraid of the judgment of others. She was afraid to reach out to those she had hurt. She stopped comparing herself and focused on the present... and now she has a degree. She makes music. She helps other addicts by sharing her journey. She let go of the resentment she held against the actions of her past self, let go of the blame and the shame, and she began to thrive.
I was no better; I use to look back at who I was when I was younger and see someone weak, with no backbone, and no value in herself. I pitied her. I resented her. I blamed her for the bad things that happened in my life. I am a strong and happy woman now, but I would not be who I am today if I had not suffered through the things I did when I was that weak and scared young woman. For a while the comparison between us just made me angry. Something quite common amongst trauma survivors. I found strength in that anger but it also robbed me of truly loving myself. This unspoken resentment was the source of shame, which in tern made me shy and insecure in myself despite how well my life was at the moment.
It took a lot of prayer, reflection, and serious work but I did eventually take that comparison of who I was and who I am... and I turned that resentment into compassion. Instead of blaming my younger self for my trauma I congratulated her for surviving. I stopped seeing weakness and instead I saw a young woman who just didn't know how to defend herself. When I let go of that shame, suddenly I was laughing more. I was silly again, almost like when I was a child. I was dancing in bowling allies to make my friends laugh, and singing out loud when I walked my dog. It was freeing. It was joyful.
The final interpretation of the our universal truth is that comparison steals joy because it leads us to invalidate what we currently have. When we are not grateful for what we have in our lives, seeing instead only what others possess in comparison to ourselves, we risk sparking feelings of resentful competitiveness, jealousy, or taking our own blessings for granted.
How many of you have heard "The grass isn't always greener on the other side?" In this analogy, when you compare your grass to your neighbors grass over the fence, it may seem like theirs is greener - but often that isn't the case. Instead of appreciating the hard work you put into your own yard you are filled with all of these negative emotions over the comparison and perceived inequality.
When you are driving around in the summer, your AC blowing and barley keeping up with the heat while you are stuck in traffic. Your eyes will wander, that can't be helped but if you find yourself comparing your car "old faithful" to the new souped up SUV blowing its arctic breeze in the faces of the people next to you that feeling of jealousy can make you blind to the fact that 1) you have a car and 2) your ac is at least working. Don't lose sight of the value of what you have - that gratitude that Old Reliable hasn't given out on you over the many years you've had her shouldn't be erased by jealousy. Don't compare your blessings to others, its not a competition.
A spiritual teacher by the name of Eckart Tolle, who drew inspiration from the teachings of many different religions once said "Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance."
Gratitude is a precursor for joy. Appreciation is the precursor to Gratitude. You can't appreciate what you have when you constantly compare it to the possessions of others. Don't weaken the foundation of contentment with comparisons.
The buddhists have a doctrine called anatta that states that there is no permanent, unchanging self or essence. This teaches that all things change, nothing lasts including pain. You yourself do not last - you are always changing. It is the doctrine that aids in forgiveness, detachment to material items or negative emotions, and letting go of the past.
Letting go of the habit of comparison - be it times in your life or the people around you, opens you up to opportunities of joy. Joy is not something others can steal from you, it can only be something you steal from yourself. There is always joy in the moment of being alive, when you compare this moment to another... you allow it to be stolen from you. Everything changers, your sorrow will not last. In that very same nature, your joy will not as well so hold onto it when you have it. Don't rob yourself of the joy of being alive.
I'll leave you with this, a short poem by Gamaliel Bradford called Joy o' Living:
The south wind is driving
His splendid cloud-horses
Through vast fields of blue,
The bare woods are singing,
The brooks in their courses
Are bubbbling and springing,
and dancing and leaping,
The violets are peeping,
I'm glad to be living,
Aren't you?
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