That was it. I was done. I looked at the F, the paper i had put some real heart in soul in, the paper that was A+ quality, had been vandalized and edited by the girl who hated me the most and then resubmitted. Not only had she laughed in my face, changed my report, but she ruined my grade. I could probably talk the teacher into letting me resubmit it if i could get proof that my paper had been altered, but none of my friends were talking to me. I had no one to speak up for me.
"Beloved Bast, mistress of happiness..." i began to say in a whisper but my voice trailed off as my eyes filled with tears. Then i heard her snickering as she walked behind me, pausing only to whisper in my ear.
"Your tears.. the sustain me. Go back to your small down B****."
I stood up. Enough. Bast i have had enough. I thought as i walked out of the class room barley hearing the professor calling after me.
Where the hell was the car crash when i needed it? I wanted out. NOW. I was done with the expectations of life and society. I was done with being iced out by my friends. I was done with Logan's arrogant smirk. I was done with the universe always fighting against me in this life. I was done with this life.
"Bast, my beloved goddess, i am coming to see you." I said as i exited the building. I pushed past several people, catching several people's attention because i would never just push past someone unless there was something important going on. Which there was, though they didn't know it. My death. Tears began to roll down my face as a grim sort of excitement came into my heart. I was going to die. I was going to be free of the restrictions of this body. I was going to see Bast. To hear her voice again....
I saw my chance. There was heavy traffic in the street, several cars zooming by per second. If i were to step our there, noone would have time to stop... I set my jaw and walked faster in the direction of the street. I thought i heard someone yell my name but i didn't care. I saw my ticket home. Bast... please be there when i come over i prayed, i was now maybe three feet from the road. Again someone yelled my name, i hesitated for a brief moment; what if someone needs my help? I shook my head, i help others all the time. Its time to do something for me.
My foot was one the road...and then i felt impact. I gasped as i was thrown back, hitting the ground hard enough to know the air out of my lungs, surprise and confusion clouded my thoughts. I wasn't hit by a car, the impact was from the opposite direction. When i remembered how to breathe i looked around and saw what hit me. Logan. I looked at the road, knowing that i wouldn't have that kind of resolve in a long time. My ticket to see Bast was gone. then i got pissed.
"What the hell!" i yelled turning to look at him. He kneeling close to me, panting as if he had just run a marathon. He glared at me.
"You are asking me that!? What were you thinking!" He growled standing up. Instead of answering him i looked back at the road, the zooming cars, what would have been my death. Gone. Tears flooded my eyes, but i tried to hold them back. Beloved Bast, mistress of happiness and bounty- I lost my focus as Logan bent down closer to me. He said my name, although he said it like a question, and his voice was much softer.
"Why did you stop me?" i asked, my voice cracking, a tear escaped and slid down my cheek. He shook his head and sighed.
"Why did you want out?" he said, he sounded unsure of what to do.
"Because i am tired. Tired of putting up with crap. Tired of being here one my own. Tired of being jealous of other people. Tired of fighting. I am tired." I said, anger creeping into my voice. Then i looked him in the eyes, he could see my tears now, and it was through him i wanted to get my answer.
"When will i be free?" i asked. Logan's eyes grew harder , a spike of fear hit my heart, and Logan sighed.
"When you are ready to." he said as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.I couldn't help it. My anger spiked past the fear and i slapped him. Yup. I slapped a god. way to go Lyza.
"I have been ready for years now!" i hissed, got to my feet and stormed off toward my room.
Breathe.
What?
Breathe.
I stopped walking. Breathe? Why did i think that? Did i think that? I didn't think that. A sudden calm came over me. I wasn't angry. I wasn't scared. I was as tranquil as the wind blowing through the weeping willow by my dorm. I recognized this feeling, i had felt it only once before. Bast.She spoke to me. My eyes filled with tears, not of sorrow, but of joy. I thought i would never hear her voice again.
It was like someone had slipped a blanket over me, all the world was gone, i was safe and loved and warm. I felt her arms go around me, holding me to her bosom, and she stroked my hair. Then i wept. Eveything came out. How alone i felt, how much insignifigant i was, how scared i was, how the world just seemed to fight against me and nothing i did ever went right. How i slapped Anubis and how he terrified me. I asked her to help me. All she would do was hold me to her and rock me, stroking my hair and humming.
When i finally stopped sobbing and took a breathe the blanket was removed and i realized it was Anna who was holding me.
"Lyza i'm sorry. I know i overreacted. And if i ever see you try to kill yourself again i will kill you. You got me?" she said squeezing me tighter. Then she whispered in my ear; "Don't look, but Logan is behind a tree. I think he followed you to see that you were alright." Yeah...Logan followed me. Shit. I slapped Anubis. At that moment my phone buzzed. I jumped, i had thought my phone died. It now said full battery. I laughed, thank you Bast.
Anna still held me as i answered the phone.
"Hello?"
"LYZA ARE YOU OKAY!?" came the very desperate voice of Pyro. Turns out one of the people that saw me rush out of class called Pyro.
"I talked to the professor, he says if you can provide him with the original report, you can get a better grade and the hag will be receiving punishment. You can pass your class." He said, his voice was calmer, soothing. I told him how grateful i was and hung up. I wanted to nap. I hugged Anna and looked out for Logan. The coast was clear and i went off to find my nap wall.
I curled up in the patch of sunlight on my wall and relaxed. Bast actually spoke to me. to me. Amazing. I tried to focus and bring back the feeling of her presence, the comforting blanket feeling, not the killer cat feeling. As i did i tried to pray to her. I succeeded in bringing a lighter version of the feeling, and i got the impression that i didn't need to worry about Anubis. He wasn't really angry. he was probably laughing at me.
I began to drift in a sea of pleasantness. I was going to pass my class. Anna was talking to me again. ___ was going to get her karma. Bast was with me again. Logan...
i awoke again to the feeling of someone stroking my hair. I was no longer on the hard stones of the wall, instead i was leaned up against someone. I was out of the sun and under the shade of a tree, yet i was surrounded by warmth. i snuggled further against whoever was holding me. my hands rested on the person's shoulder. It was broad and muscled, though not bulging. I smiled, it was Pyro. I changed position, wrapping my arms around his neck and burring my face in the crook of his neck. I took a deep breath of contentment. He smelled spicy, like incense. Pryro didn't burn incense.
I kept my body relaxed though my mind went into a panic. He wasn't doing anything other than holding me and keeping me warm. I calmed down, and just accepted that apparently Logan was being nice to me. I knew it was because he felt sorry for me. He pitied me. This thought completely ruined my comfortable mood and all i wanted to do was get away from him. He seemed to sense this and let me go so i could slide away from him. I couldn't look at him. I was ashamed that he had seen me at such a weak point. I was less ashamed that Anubis saw it, he was use to seeing humans in weakened states. I didn't have to see Anubis everyday. Logan had seen me cry. He had seen me want to die.
"You are stronger than you think." He said after a few awkward moments of silence.
"What?" I said looking up, i still couldn't meet his eyes.
"Thats what he said when you stormed off. He said 'she is stronger than she thinks.' You may think that you are too tired to live, but that feeling, as you can see, doesn't last. I am begging you, do not leave before you are supposed to." there was something in his voice that made me look at him. His eyes were sincere and soft.
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