THANK YOU

To all my reader, anyone who has ever read any of my posts:

THANK YOU.

it really means a lot to know that at least one person is reading my thoughts and that at least one person can actually hear what i'm saying. I know there are other readers,  you all may not read regularly but you have read at least one of my posts. one of my thoughts. and that means a lot.

i started this blog so could be heard, and i know that i have :) thank you all <3

soooo

soooooo…. i feel happy again :)

my cat cuddled with me last night and stayed with me until i was asleep.
my stress has been depleted by half.
i get free food today.
my friend gave me some of her coffee.
we are watching Les Miserables in Theater.
Either today or tomorrow, if my mom ail give me a ride…, i'll be getting scholarship stuff done.
I'm going to be getting more help for college than i realized - money wise
Jake actually spoke to me yesterday. (just thinking his name still makes my heart cringe though)

so far the day isn't bad at all :)


and calvin: if you are reading this? THANK YOU

^ this guys has been really sweet and nice and put up with me in my stress induced craze.

OH!!! without even talking to her Ashley knew why i was upset, almost to the very last detail. isn't that amazing? :O
i swear i love her :3

i can breathe

ahhhhhhhhh…. i can breathe <3

So i talked with the councilors at school and emailed the Agnes Scott Councilor and found out: i should NOT send in ANY money until i get the financial aid packages from both schools. i DO NOT have to pay money to get them and Agnes will be sending it mid march and ECU will be sending it earliest by April.

meaning? i don't have to make a choice until April. HA.
My aunt can back off now.

As for my mom wanting me to plan my entire f-ing life like racheal has?  YOU CAN'T PLAN LIFE.  it doesn't work that way. so i'm choosing not to worry about it until i get there!

so out of the boxes caging me in? 2 are gone. i now i have 2 sides of my cage missing and i can breathe…. while i'm still in the house i'm still tethered to the cage, but at least now it no longer threatens to crush me.

i can breathe. :)

between a rock and a hard place

I just refuse to do things just for money. When I asked what motivation I would have to major in something I have no interest in and do a Job I hated her response: so you don't live on the streets. What she doesn't realize is that I would rather live on the street and be happy than be miserable and rich.  To her its stupid and nieve. Maybe it is but that's oh I feel. And so what if I don't know what job I'll have when I graduate.... I can't plan my entire life like Rachael can. I'm not interested in something so straightforward as the military.  

I think she is frustrated because I'm no tracheal. I'm not doing something logical. I'm not going to a free school that just about everyone knows about. I'm not interested in money. She doesn't understand me and now she doesn't want to. It's Ben like this since freshman year and it's not going to change. We think in different ways and I just want to leave and pretty much not look back. But if I go to ECU I'll stay trapped in a place where I can't truly be myself with a brat for a sister and no Rachael to help keep me sane. I can't have long talks with my mom without it leading Tia fight. We are just too different. She is too set in her ways. I refuse to enter into her closed minded way of thinking and it just makes us clash. 

And fighting with her just makes everything I'm facing worse. >.< I don't know what to do Calvin. I just don't know. 

I want so bad to just find mr. Woolard and make him say everything will be alright. But he would probably agree with my mom and he is too busy to deal with me right now. I feel so alone.... And that was something I was hoping I could change with college. But my aunt wants me to go to this Christian college that would be free because of work study.... But I can't because that would make me feel even more alone than ever. I'm stuck.  Between a rock and a hard place. 

Lies

why do parents lie?

i've been raised being told "you can be anything you want!" "you can do anything you set your mind to!"

and yet when you decide on something that doesn't yield lots of money suddenly you can't do it. you need to "wake up because this isn't a dream world".

i know i isn't a dream world. i don't want to do something for the rest of my life just so i can make money. i don't want to hate my job. i don't want to do something that makes me miserable for the majority of my life just so i can pay bills. 

that isn't living. thats just.... going through the motions. 

my mom said that she hates her job. but she doesn't "live to work" she "works to live" She lives for us (her daughters). She lives to see her flowers bloom in her garden. She lives to put her feet up when she wants to watch a movie. she lives to be able to play on the computer if she wants.

if i live,  I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT.

i want to live for freedom. i want to live for passion. i want to live for inspiration. I want to live to learn. I want to  live - actually LIVE. 

ues... computers and tv's are nice. but you shouldn't live for them... live for something that makes your blood burn and you heart swell. 

of coarse my mother would only call this foolish and say i can live for those things while i live on the streets. thats pretty much what she told me.

So to add on to everything: a fight with my mom about college, money, jobs, and graduation. 

can i just cry now? 

can i just stop?

can everything please just stop?

i don't want to settle. but i am! i have to settle on ECU because of f-ing money. 

meaning i;m still trapped in a place where i can't be myself. with a b-itchy little sister that i was LOOKING FORWARD to getting away from. 

fun! just great! f-ing lovely!

make. it. stop.

goddess help me. 

feelings into images

what i want..

meditation

I need to meditate… i need meditation…smelling incense... music..dancing…. i need art and theater to distract me.

I need a good book to read.

i want to watch musicals.

I want Phantom. I want Repo!. I want Rent. I want Wicked. I want Sweeny.

I want distraction.

I want to relax.

I want to escape.

whats next?

Ok so i had a wonderful monday…. until Racheal got her thingy and i realized just how pathetic i am.

Tuesday was nothing special - THEN MY LAPTOP BROKE. like… i can't even use it the screen is so bad.

Wednesday isn't off to a good start… i'm getting hammered from all the college crap and my finger got caught between a chair and a table so hard it broke the skin. fun. ouch.



The cage is getting tighter…

i can almost feel the bars...

added on

great... i had my headphones under my laptop screen and when i got on the bed i leaned on it.  now my fucking screen is cracked.

little bird

"Little bird what do you say
as you fly around your little cage?"

"i want out of this fucking cage" is what i say.


i swear... i feel like a bird in a cage and every time someone meantions college or jobs or driving or money it gets smaller and smaller and as each day passes it gets smaller and smaller.

i want freedom.

wow

wow.

Racheal got into west point.
holy shit.

she got into one of the most pretencious military acedemies in america.

she beat over a thousand other girls.

holy shit.

She is going places.
She is going to be a badass.

and me?

i'm a nobody.

i truly am a nobody.

i want to go to a school almost no one has heard of.

to major in something almost no one has heard of.

that has almost no jobs.

She is going to be a somebody....
and i will be a nobody.

This doesn't even surprise me.
at all.

i am so proud of her.

once again..

once again these thoughts return.

what is the point of living? i mean seriously.

i don't want to go to college.
i don't want to live... not really.

i only go through the motions.

being honest?

i'm lonely.
i have little to no ambition.
i really don't want to go forward.

"i'm taking one step forward and two steps back, i couldn't walk a straight line even if i wanted to."
"every move i make feels lost with no direction."

^got to love music that give me words to say how i feel.

i mean seriously!

i don't want to graduate.
i don't want to move out.
i  don't want to drive.
i don't want to get a job.
i don't want to go to cellege.
i don't want to do anything but escape.

Escape the pressure. escape conformity. escape all these fucking rules. escape...

i quote one of my older poems:

"i think i might just understand.

Good things and happiness are fleeting,

reality is: nothing ever stays.

so please bring on the night,

because i cannot stand the day."

I want to say good night and just not wake up.

i am so fed up with this. all of it.

i am so tired of feeling like this! sick of it! SICK OF IT.
tired f feeling alone.
tired of feeling all this fucking pressure to go to college.
tired of feeling pressured not to do what i want.
tired of feeling pressured into getting a job.
tired of being pressured to live.

i am tired of it all.

just give me a book and tell the world to shut the fuck up.

seriously.

everything is happening to fast i feel like i'm going to hyperventilate.


The fucking car crash isn't going to happen and i'm reaching my limit. i really am.

Freshman year i got the feeling i would die around the time i was supposed to graduate or just before i started college.

the car crash isn't going to happen but i predicted something right:  i'm reaching my limit with this life.

i don't know 100% what is after this life, but i want out!

songs to sing

• Clarity by Zedd
• I don't speak human by Omnia
• somewhere in neverland
• HIM songs

-love said no
-funeral of hearts
-killing lonlieness

• bring him home - Le miz
• one day more - le mz
• all i ask of you - phantom
• defying gravity - rock version
• someone that i used to know
• nothings gonna harm you - sweeny 
• wort pies in london - sweeny
• green finch and linnet bird - sweeny
• down town - Lady Antebellum
• let it go - from frozen
• if i die young - band perry
• do it any way - martina mcbride
• i run to you - lady antebellum
• have faith in me - ADTR
• peter pan - jaqueline emmerson
• Perfect weapon - BVB
• Ritual - BVB
• Carolyn - BVB
• Beauty and the beast
• HAPPILY EVER AFTER- HE IS WE

good day

So todaay is the dreaded monday.... only... it was an awesome day!

Matt gave me 20 dollars.. and his mom owes him more, so more will be comming althoguh i will sill kind of strss until i have it all back. can't believe i dropped a hunred dollars.... smh

ANYWAY

• today was good :)
• weather is nice :)
• people were nice :)
• we started going over musical theater in theater today and we start watching Lez Miserables tomorrow :)
• Loppy (a cat outside that has a lopsided head because he was hit by a car as a kitten who got hurt and it got infected and isn't looking too good D:) isn't dead :)
• Mrs. Stancil complimented my art work
• i have kitty cats all around me :)
• i'm talking with calvin :)
• i have a cute profile pic :)

aaaand just some downers i need to get off my chest:

• Jake. He changed his profile pic to one of him and his girlfriend... and they are so cute together i can't even muster up enough to be mad at them... but it still sends a pang of hurt every time i see them. 
• 
• i'm still stressing about money in general.
• i still need to sign up for the weekend at agnes scott... even though idk if i can go.
• I honestly don't know if i will go to Agnes Scott... i want to (kind of) but ECU is so much cheaper... and ECU is a good school...ugh.

but yeah :) good day, hop[ign to enjoy it all the way though! lets see if luck is on my side!

...get it? luck ^ with the irish green saint pattys day hat? get it? yeaaahhhno? okay. :P 

love you guys!

i'm feeling pretty :3

i'm feeling pretty so here are some random pics of me :P

calvin to the rescue!

ahhh... i can breathe...

so i know i was freaking out earlier... i know Matt wouldn't steal from me, but what others were saying was getting under my skin. Calvin has assured me Matt is going to pay me back, soon.

*lets out held breath*

thank you calvin!!!!

I like matt, but i trust calvin, so if calvin says it will work out, i'll believe him :)


its funny.... it use to be that way with jake, and now calvin is my best guy friend...and i don't regret the change.

he even noticed i was really stressed today :) (the smile is because he picked up on it...not because i was stressed :P)

Glad to know he has my back ^.^


and i hold no grudge against Matt...although i highly disprove of him spending such a large amount of money that wasn't his... i mean...$100? smh...

so i disprove, but i'm not mad anymore... and i will easily forget this happened...once he pays me back.

at least i was lucky that it was him who found it and not some total stranger!

so... thank you matt!

what am i going to do?

so.. i checked my special pocket this morning... the one thats hidden in my jacket? yeah..... out of my agnes scott money i have been saving up: my hundred dollar bill is missing.
kill me now.

the thing is? although i don't know when it fell out, someone i DO know found it. He didn't know it was mine, so he kept it and spent it. who.the.hell.spends.a.hundred.dollar.bill.
WHY DIDN'T HE TURN IT IN????


and my theater teacher says that if i report it, nothing can really be done...

he says he will try to pay me back, but he doesn't know how fast he can because he only gets paid lunch money.

WHY would he spend it? small bills like a $5 i can understand but a $100 bill? thats just wrong....
and i was thinking of mailing it off today...

how am i going to tell my mom?
what am i going to do?

i just want to curl up and cry...AFTER i beat the ever living crap out of something.

this is it.. i'm about to snap. all this pressure is adding up and i'm going to explode.

hands down

so how about... there is a college in kentucky that is FREE as long as you work a few hours where they assign you. not bad right?

its a christian college.
and the only majors that it has that appeal to me are psychology, sociology, and religion.
religion might actually be alright... hopefully it will be open about all religions.

but what can i do with a degree in religion?
http://www.berea.edu

btw, their mission statement:

To provide an educational opportunity primarily for students from Appalachia, black and white, who have great promise and limited economic resources.

To provide an education of high quality with a liberal arts foundation and outlook.

To stimulate understanding of the Christian faith and its many expressions and to emphasize the Christian ethic and the motive of service to others.

To provide for all students through the labor program experiences for learning and serving in community, and to demonstrate that labor, mental and manual, has dignity as well as utility.

To assert the kinship of all people and to provide interracial education with a particular emphasis on understanding and equality among blacks and whites.

To create a democratic community dedicated to education and equality for women and men.

To maintain a residential campus and to encourage in all members of the community a way of life characterized by plain living, pride in labor well done, zest for learning, high personal standards, and concern for the welfare of others.

To serve the Appalachian region primarily through education but also by other appropriate services.

the school moto: God has made of one blood all peoples of the earth

it does have tennis...  so thats a good thing.

this school does not appeal to me at all... but the price does.

ye, when you compare a free college to a 45 thousand dollar one... the free one wins hands down.

eh... attempt at a wonderland villanelle ..failed

Go down the rabbit hole and tell me what you find,
Did you find your wonderland
or did you lose your mind?

If at first you were scared, you now have gown a spine
"Where do i go?" you ask and demand,
go down the rabbit hole and tell me what you find.

Down into the darkness, carefully designed,
Do you have the strength to stand?
Or did you lose your mind?

You ask your head, not our heart, and so you are blind
do you now feel crammed?
Go down the rabbit hole and tell me what you find.

down and down the path that winds
Do you hear the faerie band
or have you lost your mind?

Listen to the call that pulls you like an iron bind,
a world of magic grand....
Go down the rabbit hole and tell what you find
or have you lost your mind?

home

i really do want to die. this isn't the first time i've said this and once again i'll add: i'm not suicidal.

but i want to die.

As much as i enjoy things about this life.... how strong emotions are, how attached i am to people, how happy i can get... my cats.... music...

I spend most of this life so far in a dream. I day dream non stop...
I am plagued by this life with its harsh cruelties... get a job, go to college, money money money...


I want love. music. green grass and flowers. laughter. dance. To do nothing but lay in the sun and soak up its warmth.

I don't feel any particular anchor to this life... yes i love my family... yes i LOVE my familiar.. yes i love my friends and my dad (woolard)... yes i love books and movies/shows and how they make me feel... but i only really feel alive when i'm not in reality.

I feel more alive when i watch a movie or read a book than i do when i'm talking to my friends.

Big picture wise? i don't want to live past highschool...

i don't want to go to college, mainly for the societal and economic pressures. i want to learn things i'm passonate about... i want to explore new things.... but to pay thousands of dollars for that? no.

really there is no anchor...

i'm floating through this life plagued by stress and anxiety and desire to go home... and i have no anchor to hold me in place so i can get my barrings and maybe find a reason to live.

I want to go home... to the lands of green and music and love...

not this place....

i really want to die and just be done with it.

i love everyone, and i don't want to hurt them... but really i'm not making that big of a difference.

i want to die so i can let my spirit rest.....

i'm OBVIOUSLY not on the right path.... i havn't heard from svn in months... i feel spiritually numb..
life is moving too fast and i want to get out.

i have very little desire to go forward.

i want out... i want to go home.

i just want to go home...

i'm homesick.

Grass so green and cool against me feet. its not too cold or too hot. i'm not alone. The sky is beautiful... music plays and i can dance and sing and laugh and play and be at peace.

i want to go home.... is that so wrong?

so i love you, i love everyone, but i want to die.

so many...

So i have the urge to write....

should i write my Bast/Anubis story... which i kind of lost any plot ideas...

or start writing a story with the girl from my dream?


With the dream girl... i could make it anything... supernatural.. (yeah!!!!)

maybe...


angel? - over used
faerie? - as obsessed as i am with them i don't know if i could actually write a faerie story...
vampire? - over used... but possible
ghost/phantom? possible... but idk
Valkyrie? - hmmmmm
Alien..... why not?


Alien...


She is on our world... meets the main character and finds that this human girl would belong more on the alien planet than on earth and duh  duh duuuuuh


first half - relationship builds. they talk... Discovers blondie has weird tattoos.
Strange things happen over the first part... things happening to guys that hit on main character...



or... Valkyrie...


Cute blondie... yada yada flirt flirt likey like...

Main character gets shot/stabed trying to help a person getting robbed... Blondie comes and brings her back....

Blondie = Valkyrie....


possibilities....

There is also the whole ghost idea in my head....


gaaahhhh so many directions!

http://www.paranormalhaze.com/magical-femininity-womanly-creatures-that-kick-ass/

sharkweek

shark-week has begun....

lol shark week for anyone who doesn't know is now another reference to a woman's period :P because the overies look like a shark brain aparently?

so i bled through my pants in school today. a lot.

yet? i'm odly in a good mood :P

OOOOH


my new hair cut!

an while i was taking those... i sneezed...

LOVE YA!

Valentines Day

So today i'm going to be staying at Ashley's house... we are going to see a movie and then idk.

Today we had to read a poem in Theater with an accent/character in our voice... well today or all days my teeth decided to throb and i couldn't open my outh very wide... so i end up spending all my lunch time looking up tips for accents and end up with nothing, i didn't eat lunch and i had no accent.

so i decided for my character she would have a lisp. it was horrid. i couldn't even understand myself.

so i dombed that and i didn't eat lunch.

i'm cold.

hungry.

emotional because my bolo sugar is out of wack considering the only thing i have eaten in the past 7 1/2 hours is a little bit of chocolate.

i completely BS'ed my art sketches. BS's my art blog. i'm too agitated to work on my project.

i just want to curl up in a ball under a blanket with  smokey....

fangirl moment

ahhhhh <3 Flashback to one of my cannon ships <3

Sadie and Anubis <3

found this lovely piece of fan art <3

little bird (poem)

Little bird what do you say
as you fly around your little cage?
"Someday i will be a bird of prey."

Feel the bar tighten at the end of the day
They get smaller and you fill with rage.
Little bird what do you say?

Do you want out to play?
You haven't yet come of age...
Someday i will be a bird of prey.

Little bird you don't want to stay?
You must first complete the next stage.
Little bird what do you say?

Little bird full of dismay
You must have the patients of a sage...
Someday i will be a bird of prey.

Little bird show me the way
The time is now to take the stage.
Little bird what do you say?
"Someday i will be a bird of prey!"

wisdom teeth

i got my wisdom teeth out.... now i am totally miserable. my pain killers don't work all that well, i'm swollen, and my teeth and jaw HURT LIKE HELL.

Are You Ready?

so today in youth group a question was asked: if you were to die right now, would you be able to stand before god with all your accomplishments and regrets before you? Right now. Are you ready?


my answer:
yes.
if i were to die this vey second, i would be ready to go. I have no huge regrets. I have tried to live my life with love in my heart and positive energy.
to me, that is enough.
I have helped people. I have changed the world. maybe not as a whole, but at least for a few people.
I told my coach how i felt.
I accepted myself, both my good and bad points.
I have figured out my spiritual path (more or less).
I am ready to go.

the fact that i havn't accepted christ as my "lord and savior"? no problem.
I don't believe in hell and i think it would be wonderful to meet him in the afterlife.
I can go see my friends in spirit.
finally see my spirit guide.
feel at one with my god and goddess.


if i died right now i'd feel... relieved. Glad to be going home.
So...are you ready?

for me the answer is simple: yes.

i should...

Things i should do:

• math homework (Pg. 20 1-11)
• All my fucking physics packets.
• scholarship stuff.
• stressing about money for tennis.
• stressing about money for college.

What i am doing:

• playing facebook games.
• trying to remember to breathe. 

that little...

So the teacher is talking about students n groups who don't pull their weight, and conley looks AT ME.
ESCUSE ME?! i do the work that i am let!

Racheal doesn't LET ME do things. i do what i can!

I PULL MY FRIGGIN WEIGHT THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

AHHH!

AHHHHH!

woolard gave me a hug this morning....  i am really not looking forward to having to tell him how little money i raised for the tennis team.... 20$...out ofMY pocket....that i am taking from my college reservation money. he is going to be so disappointed....

my only hope rests in the other girls... they are going to ask their parents for donations.... and maybe someone in youth saw my post and will donate?  prolly not...

so ...

"hey woolard... here my money for tennis..." 20$... when all the other sports raised like... 100 or more.....

gods i don't want to tell him how little there is... plus i think they announce the amounts over the intercom in the morning. the whole school ill know i failed....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

meditation

She inhaled, trying to keep all her frustration from bubbling over. She tried to remember that her head was not really going to explode, even though it felt like it. She closed her eyes and again inhaled. Exhale. Inhale, exhale. She tried to focus her screaming mind.

Pushing thoughts of physics out of her mind, she tried to think of something good. The smell of the wind. Flowers. Sitting in the cool grass on a warm summer day. The sun beating down and her skin soaking in the vitamin D. The smell of sunlight.

Focus on the smells. Focus on your breath. Focus on the feeling of the sun and your feet in the grass. She told herself. She tried to make her breath as steady as possible. While trying to control her breath she let her mind wandr over the scene she was trying to paint.  This warm summer day with the cool grass, the sunlight, and the breeze was her mentl escape.

By allowing her mind to escape the stressful situation, her mind leaving the stress behind with the control of her breath, she was able to calm down. Her mind no longer screaming, it was suspended in a temporary bliss.

Spinning in a circle, laughing with ease and joy she danced. The grass feeling cool on her bare feet and the feeling of others all around her, joining in her dance made her feel happy. The sun was out, soaking through her clothes, and warming her skin. A flute was being played somewhere and he began to hum along.


she sighed, now able to deal with her physics class without killing anyone.

physics

Kill me. This class..... just kill me.

Fav Disney Couples

some of my favorite Disney couples :3

phyisics

we got to play with toy cars. the experiment itself was fun. working with racheal was not. i can;t seem to pay attention to the teacher. just ugh.

i hate working with her.

monday

As much as i have wanted to go ack to school, today is going to be hard >.<

Honors Physics, as much fun as it looks like it will be, is already going to be hard. When he talks i can't help but space out and then he is saying complex things that i have no idea wth they are.... i need to learn the vocabulary, and FAST.

Math... math doesn't seem bad right now.... i REALLY need to finish my homework... its my second period and i have physics first period so i can't do it then >.<

Theater is amazing.

Art.... i'm changing my phoenix to a mermaid picture idea to a centaur into-a-dragon idea. its either going to stay fire, or turn from fire to ice in the background.

genophobia

So i was on google and decided to look up one of the issues that has an affect on my life:
fear of penetration. 
what did i find?
Genophobia...aslso known as coitophobia

Genophobia is the fear of sexual intercourse.

i like how this website (http://phobias.about.com/od/phobiasatoh/a/Genophobia.htm) defined it:

"Genophobia, also known as coitophobia, is the fear of sexual intercourse. People with this fear may be afraid of all sex acts, or only of intercourse itself. The term genophobia is sometimes used interchangeably with erotophobia, or the fear of sex, but the two conditions are actually different. Genophobia specifically describes fear of the sex act, while erotophobia more generally defines any fear that is related to sexuality."

Now how do i know i have this?

• well lets see: the idea of having sex with anyone makes me almost nauseous. 
• i have no desire to masturbate, but i wouldn't say i have no sex drive. 
• The idea of penetrative sex (even with a girl) makes me want to hyperventilate .
• Talking about sex really doesn't bother me unless its my sisters or my mom. but my friends? they can talk about sex till they are blue in the face and it really wouldn't bother me.  
• i can watch porn without having an issue but the very thought of me doing it makes me want to run in the opposite direction.

How do i know i don't have erotophobia?

• i can watch porn.
• i can kiss just about anyone. (enjoying the kiss is different)
• i can go to second base without an issue.
• sexuality as a whole doesn't bother me.

SO.

what are the causes?

• Rape
• molestation
• incest 
• insecurities
• other phobias (such as fear of viruses, fear of being touched, fear of nudity) 

well:

no.

i'm pretty sure no, but i can't remember everything of the situation clearly. 

NO.

eh i'm not really that insecure. any insecurities i have about my body/my ability can easily be/have easily been overcome.

no other related phobias.

so... no idea where this fear came from.

how the hell do i get rid of it?

finally

finally i found a name for my fear of sex!

coitophobia also known as genophobia.

it is the fear of sexual intercorse.

its not actually fear of sex: fear of sex means i'm afraid of everything sexual in general. i'm not.

i'm afraid of doing the act itself. 

how o you get rid of genophobia?


therapy.

great. 

i'm screwed.