Lies

why do parents lie?

i've been raised being told "you can be anything you want!" "you can do anything you set your mind to!"

and yet when you decide on something that doesn't yield lots of money suddenly you can't do it. you need to "wake up because this isn't a dream world".

i know i isn't a dream world. i don't want to do something for the rest of my life just so i can make money. i don't want to hate my job. i don't want to do something that makes me miserable for the majority of my life just so i can pay bills. 

that isn't living. thats just.... going through the motions. 

my mom said that she hates her job. but she doesn't "live to work" she "works to live" She lives for us (her daughters). She lives to see her flowers bloom in her garden. She lives to put her feet up when she wants to watch a movie. she lives to be able to play on the computer if she wants.

if i live,  I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT.

i want to live for freedom. i want to live for passion. i want to live for inspiration. I want to live to learn. I want to  live - actually LIVE. 

ues... computers and tv's are nice. but you shouldn't live for them... live for something that makes your blood burn and you heart swell. 

of coarse my mother would only call this foolish and say i can live for those things while i live on the streets. thats pretty much what she told me.

So to add on to everything: a fight with my mom about college, money, jobs, and graduation. 

can i just cry now? 

can i just stop?

can everything please just stop?

i don't want to settle. but i am! i have to settle on ECU because of f-ing money. 

meaning i;m still trapped in a place where i can't be myself. with a b-itchy little sister that i was LOOKING FORWARD to getting away from. 

fun! just great! f-ing lovely!

make. it. stop.

goddess help me.