home

i really do want to die. this isn't the first time i've said this and once again i'll add: i'm not suicidal.

but i want to die.

As much as i enjoy things about this life.... how strong emotions are, how attached i am to people, how happy i can get... my cats.... music...

I spend most of this life so far in a dream. I day dream non stop...
I am plagued by this life with its harsh cruelties... get a job, go to college, money money money...


I want love. music. green grass and flowers. laughter. dance. To do nothing but lay in the sun and soak up its warmth.

I don't feel any particular anchor to this life... yes i love my family... yes i LOVE my familiar.. yes i love my friends and my dad (woolard)... yes i love books and movies/shows and how they make me feel... but i only really feel alive when i'm not in reality.

I feel more alive when i watch a movie or read a book than i do when i'm talking to my friends.

Big picture wise? i don't want to live past highschool...

i don't want to go to college, mainly for the societal and economic pressures. i want to learn things i'm passonate about... i want to explore new things.... but to pay thousands of dollars for that? no.

really there is no anchor...

i'm floating through this life plagued by stress and anxiety and desire to go home... and i have no anchor to hold me in place so i can get my barrings and maybe find a reason to live.

I want to go home... to the lands of green and music and love...

not this place....

i really want to die and just be done with it.

i love everyone, and i don't want to hurt them... but really i'm not making that big of a difference.

i want to die so i can let my spirit rest.....

i'm OBVIOUSLY not on the right path.... i havn't heard from svn in months... i feel spiritually numb..
life is moving too fast and i want to get out.

i have very little desire to go forward.

i want out... i want to go home.

i just want to go home...

i'm homesick.

Grass so green and cool against me feet. its not too cold or too hot. i'm not alone. The sky is beautiful... music plays and i can dance and sing and laugh and play and be at peace.

i want to go home.... is that so wrong?

so i love you, i love everyone, but i want to die.