Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Pathetic

I'm pathetic. But worried. I told some friends and my mom about the girl because I was just really excited and disappointed I only got to see her for a few minutes. Plus I found/followed her on Instagram. 

Did I jinx it? I don't know.

It doesn't help the fact that my stomach is hurting, threatening nausea or worse... Constant cramping as if somone put a rock in my stomach and the proceeded to crush it inside me.

I'm tired but not sleepy enough to fall asleep while in pain. I really don't feel good guys... And I have a 7 hour shift. 

Plus I really can't miss my writing classes.
I need to sleep so I can feel better 😖

butterflies in my belly and a smile on my face

well, the tarot card reading might be coming true. I don't want to say anything definite because i don't want to jinx it. (which also falls into what the reading said, basically keeping things on the down low for a while before coming out as a couple)


I'm actually a little bit alarmed at how fast this girl is growing on me. Like.... its kinda of exciting but scary at the same time.

With Corie andKennedy it was gradual and with Kennedy (my last full blown crush - the bartender was a budding crush that really didn't have any weight to it) in all my time with her, i never got to the point that i am with this girl. Kennedy and i never kissed. We never cuddled. Although i wanted to, it never happened.

This almost feels how it did with Staci. Which is a good sign... i could have fallen in love with staci. That ended before i actually did.

But i'm already at the stage where i miss this girl if i don't see her every day... which i pretty much have, since sunday. I saw her sunday night. Tuesday night. I might even see her tonight....

Thankfully i get to see her in my goddess class, every MWF.

But seriously... i need to calm the fuck down.

I get so happy when i see her. Her yankee accent drives me crazy with how cute it is. She is totally cool with me being pagan (she herself is agnostic, so thats a relief... no judgement.) She is all about Irish folklore and loves to hear and talk about faeries. She is into the supernatural.

FANTASTIC cuddler. She blushes easily, which is adorable.

I have a full blown crush and its only been 2 weeks since i met her. But i'm already hooked...

Its exciting... but scary.

Usually with a crush, it starts out slow and builds... this just sprang up with full force. Which is bad... it means i will get attached quicker (i already am...) and means that i will get hurt worse if it doesn't work out.

My crush on Kennedy started kinda fast but built slowly, and i was able to stay emotionally distant enough so that when she hurt me, i wasn't really all that hurt. i was disappointed, but that was about it.

I tried and very quickly failed to keep my heart distant with this girl.

Now i'm both worried and exhilarated.

I don't want to get hurt. I don't. I know that i say that even if getting hurt is the "destination" the journey is worth it... but i'm genuinely scared of it now.

Don't get me wrong... i'm not hoping that this thing that is growing between me and her falls through, just the opposite..

but certain topics havn't popped up yet that i'm not sure how she is going to handle. (i.e. sex and mack lack of motivation for it).

what if that is a deal breaker for her?

this makes my chest tighten. my heart feels sick.

But then i think about her smile, and her pretty blue eyes with their flecks of gold...  and i can't help but smile.


BUT in summary - I am crushing WAY TOO HARD, and WAY TOO FAST and i'm worried about how this is going to turn out.


I might need a tarot card reading.... because is she is the one the other readings are talking about, this will be a long lasting relationship. If she isn't the one the cards told me about.... i really need to know so i can cut off and cauterize this situation.


 but i really hope this is it.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

A day in Paradise - English Class edition



Just a Day in Paradise.
By Lisa Sawyer

       I smiled as I felt something softly touching my hair. I figured it was my cat trying to tell me he was there to tell me it was time to give him love. He was always so affectionate like that, although his love was usually accompanied by shrieking cries to ensure i actually got up to cater to him. After all cats are the masters and we humans were merely lovable pawns. I 
         “Not now... just a few more minutes” I told him groggily. I had decided not to go to class due to the fact that I felt like I had the flue. When I had gotten up that morning at my usual 6:30am alarm, I had discovered that I had quite a high fever. My throat had been engulfed in flames and I knew instantly I did not have the motivation to go to classes. With a heavy hand I cut off my second alarm, the one at 7:30. I had strategically set that alarm as a back up in case i didn't actually get up with the first one. I felt movement at my side and figured that i might as well acknowledge the impatient feline. Groaning weakly, I reached my hands out slowly to try and find him. Through my eyelids I could see faint glimmers of light and...a shadow that was too big to be my cat. 
       “good morning,” I heard a beautiful voice croon as I slowly opened my eyes. The drapes were drawn so only little rays of the morning sunlight shown through. I looked up to see the smiling face of my girlfriend; her kind brown eyes danced as she stroked my hair with gentle hands. I looked over my head at my alarm clock whose bright green message read: 10:30. I smiled sleepily, then bolted up, wide awake. The movement making my head swim almost instantly. 
     “what are you doing here? I thought you had class and then work?” I asked in surprise. She nodded as I spoke but only smiled wider, a sweet yet mischievous pixie smile. My cat hopped on the bed next to me and looked at her expectantly, apparently wanting an explanation why she was in his spot. 
     “I decided to call in 'sick' today for work, Ashley said she would cover my shift. As for class.... I can always call a friend for the notes I missed today. I figured since you weren't feeling well, and I know how you get when you're sick, i'd be 'sick' too.”She winked at me and kissed my forehead. Then she giggled and said with bright eyes, “what do you want to do today love?”But she already knew the answer. 
     When I get sick I always want to do the same three things; cuddle, snuggle, and watch movies. Crawled into bed with me,  she gathered me against her and said that coffee was brewing in the kitchen. I could already smell it wafting into the room as I breathed her in. Snuggling closer to her, I sighed contently. I was so comfortable that I must have dozed off, despite the scent of my favorite caffeinated beverage calling to me.


     About an hour or so later, both of us still in out pajamas with mugs of coffee in our hands, were together on the couch. We had decided to watch my favorite Disney movie first. I love how she nurtures my inner child, I thought amazed by how lucky I was. As if reading my mind she looked at me, her eyes playful, and stuck her tongue out at me, scrunching up her nose in the process. I giggled, scooted closer to her, and got ready to watch the movie. I always loved “Disney's Peter Pan". I loved how it took me away from the world of grown ups with bills and work and college classes; loved how it could make me feel like a little girl again. She could do all that as well, only she made me feel like a child and a woman at the same time.A walking paradox, which was perfect because that described her as well. She was intelligent and incredibly gifted at most things, but unless she was required to use her brilliant mind, she was the biggest air head I had ever had the pleasure of knowing.
      While we watched the frisky Peter Pan fly around, our toes wrestled at the edge of the blanket. I became victorious, managing to pinch the fabric and pull it away from her foot. I looked over at her, not expecting her to already be looking at me with her devilish smile, and saw what she was planning. I giggled, knowing she had decided to have a tickle attack. While I squirmed around, trying to hold off her limber fingers, she pulled me closer and kissed me. Just a playful peck, but it filled me with butterflies and I blushed. I protested, half out of not wanting to get her sick and half out of embarrassment at blood rushing to my face. 
      She laughed as she stroked my hot cheeks and turned back to the movie. I could feel her kind gaze several times throughout the movies, but kept my eyes glued to the movie hopefully making her think I wasn't paying attention. Although, I was fairly sure she was doing the same thing when I looked at her. I could see her mouth move into a tiny smile every time my eyes lingered for more than a second. It was almost like one of the cliche scenes from a romantic comedy.
      When the movie finished, she scooted off the sofa, much to my whining dismay, and went to the fridge. When she sauntered back to me she carried a bag of grapes, a box of crackers, some sliced cheese, and some hershey's kisses. I looked at her with raised eyebrows. She winked, set everything down and pulled out a grape. She herself seemed to have stuffed a handful of them into her mouth. I laughed and when she had finally managed to swallow them all stuck her tongue out at me again.
    “Say ahhh” she said, grinning when I opened my mouth. The grape was sweet and cold, a refreshing change to my overheated body.
     “Whats next,” I asked her, “movies, you, and now this? Boy I am being spoiled today.” I kept my gaze on her pretty face, loving how the light in the room reflected off her chocolate eyes.
      “Of coarse. I want to make you feel all better. I hate it when you get sick... although, I don't mind the extra time with you,” she winked. As she popped in “The Phantom of the Opera” I scooted into her spot on the couch. She turned and laughed, warning that she would sit on me. I stuck my tongue out at her and she shook her head, sitting on my lap. I wrapped my arms around her as she leaned against me; I could feel any tension she had melt away from her. We sat like this for over half the movie, eating grapes here and crackers with cheese there.
Feeling slightly better and a bit more lively after eating something, I playfully bit her shoulder. This was greeted by a laugh. I loved her laugh, it reminded me of bells ringing. She shook her head and bopped me on the nose, wagging her finger in a mock scolding fashion. 
        “Shame on you” she said whimsically, “you're missing the best part.” 
I rolled my eyes and watched as Roul and Erik, the phantom, fought in the graveyard. I slowly began to close my eyes, her warmth and the sound of music lulling me to sleep. With my eyelids barely cracked I felt her move. Then a soft pressure as her lip touched mine. I smiled as I fell into a comfortable, blissful darkness. 


Suddenly yanked from my blissful slumber by a loud unpleasant sound I looked around confused. I was in my bed. I felt groggy and confused, looking at the clock it read 7:30 a.m. I grimaced as my head began to pound with the rhythm of the alarm.
     I looked around the dark room, my mind dazed from sleep. It took me a moment to focus on the exact location of the wretched machine. I shivered as I wiggled my fingers and toes to wake up the rest of my limbs. I was covered in a thin layer of sweat, I could taste sleep on my tongue, and my cat was wrapped around where my head had been. His accusing yellow eyes looked into mine, as I realized, it had been a dream. He didn't appreciate being woken up anymore than I did. 
      Hitting snooze I groaned and tried to go back to sleep, wanting to feel her touch, to hear her laugh. But ten minutes the alarm went off again, telling me to get up and get ready for class. I wiped the crust out of my eyes, pulling on sweat pants and a hoodie, and got my things for class. Slowly but surly I accumulated everything and made my way to the door. Cursing the cold weather outside I cast one more longing look at my bed, and walked out. The only thing that made going to class when I was sick bearable was that I knew I would see her there.
     She was the girl who sat next to me in my creative writing class. Pixie-like and playful, she always had a smile on her face. I smiled, imagining what she might be wearing today. Her eclectic style always fascinated me. I recalled the time i made a remark about one of her poems and she had smiled at me. One day she would smile at me, but in the same way that she smiled in my dreams. I decided, when I got over this cold, I would introduce myself to her. I would finally strike up a conversation, and not chicken out. I would make that dream of paradise into a reality. I nodded in determination, which released a fit of sneezes. Sighing, I sniffled, coughed, and set out for class.

Monday, August 29, 2016

fiction class thing - where are you going, where have you gone?



  • i need to start writing my short stories.....
where are you going, where have you been

as far as writing style, it is described as straightforward and imagistic
Shmoop says"he style of "Where Are You Going?" is somewhat journalistic in the sense that there are few excessive stylistic flourishes or cumbersome sentence structures. But Oates's spare style enables the images in the story to stand out in vivid clarity, in a way that makes you feel they have some mysterious significance. Ordinary objects such as Arnold's sunglasses take on a whole new emotional force. Ordinary phrases (how many times have your parents asked you "Where are you going?" or "Where have you been?") become weightier, more existential questions about life, ethics, identity, sexuality, and anything else that keeps you up at night."

when i was looking up different interpretations of the story i found one that i really liked and agreed with, 
***** Nick Courtright, an acclaimed English professor
"The story is written in 1966 and it served as a consistently horrifying on which a young girl is lead out of her house by a creepy fellow. There are lots of interpretations... but at its very most surface its about a girl being kidnapped by a molester. 


he goes on to talk about how Connie is considered attractive and its her vanity that gets her into trouble and how the lack of a steady father figure in her life influenced her.
there are lots of things Arnold could represent - the devil (trouble standing up and things are stuffed into his boots/hooves and wearing a wig; ellie seems vampiric with the pale skin and upward collar) he could also represent how popularity attracts (popular car...but from last year, says popular phrases that aren't quite right...) he could "represent Oat's critical commentary on what it means to follow the popular things, even when the popular things aren't quite right."


he also talks about how it is often debated on whether or not connie was asking for this b=via her behavior..... and he makes the point that it brings up the "general plight of women, that women are constantly in a situation that they have to fear retribution from a stronger male figure at any point in their lives" which is somethign that has come up in her writing before.


he also talks about how the title itself is a reference to the bible, and using the numbers on Arnold's car he found judges 19 verse 17 :"And he lifted up his eyes, and saw the wayfaring man in the broad place of the city; and the old man said: 'Whither goest thou? and whence comest thou?'"
which in newer translations is said "where are you going, where have you been?"


he talks about how its too much of a coincidence for him to believe that Oates numbers were random. I agree. I think a lot more thought went into the writing and planning and underlying illusion to the story. 



Saturday, August 27, 2016

Haunted - as a personal Essay project

**** ORIGINAL*****
Have you ever been haunted by something? Its not always in the forefront of your mind, but when you relax and become vulnerable it slips into your thoughts and you  can't get away from it? Something that never completely leaves you, even when its not in your current consciousness, but its always lurking and waiting in the back of your subconscious to rush forward at a moment's notice.
It could be a simple thought like "I'm not good enough..." or a trauma like "Remember that time in first grade when i wet myself in class....".

Something that brings you down even though, in a way, you are mostly over it. Just when you think you can say, "I've put it behind me! It won't bother me anymore", you know its not gone, just quieter. The thought is no longer yelling at you, but is a soft whisper in the back of your mind; barely audible. But its there. Its something that you can never quite shake away completely. Because although its a lowly whisper, you can still hear it. Bringing you down, tainting your happiness if you let your guard down.

For me its a memory. Not of just one thing, but of a certain time in my life. A certain someone. Both the time when that someone was in my life and when they left. No this person isn't dead; that would almost make things easier. When someone dies and is separated from you, you can mourn them but it's not something you or that person can really have any control over. When someone leaves your life willingly, well... that's different.

For me it was hard. I remember greiving, first numbness, then sorrow. Then anger. Very intense anger. Then sorrow again. Then anger. and the cycle continued. Until once again, i was numb to it. But that didn't last, because the moment i thought i had moved on, i saw that person flash through my social media news feed and it started again. It took 2 years for me to completely heal; for that memory to stop yelling at me, now it whispers.

I almost wonder if the whispering is worse.

The memories i have of that time with that person, it makes me happy and sad. Now it also makes me scared. Back then i was in a haze of happiness, even when i was stressed and anxious and the world felt like it was falling apart; as i'm sure every high school senior feels at some point. But while in love i was able to be naive and optimistic, and i felt as if i was in a war, bubble of safety. Until one day that bubble popped. All those happy memories were now hurtful, it was painful to think about how happy i was in comparison to how sad i became. All the laughter and smiles felt like slashes and daggers in my heart. The memories yelled and screamed at me.

Over time they quieted down, and soon even the aftermath became memories. They too whispered, but faded completely. The trauma itself faded. I don't fear being hurt again. No, what haunts me is how happy i was. It constantly whispers to me saying how i will never be that happy again.  Unlike what most would expect, the ghosts i fear are not pain and self degrading. No, my ghosts laugh and smile and bring memories of good times with them. But good times that can never be replicated.

I will never be the girl i was before i had ever experienced true heart break. That girl is gone. She is a ghost.
I will never again see the world in the same nieve rosy colored glasses. That worldview is gone. It is a Ghost.
I will never be in a relationship that had so few social pressures. Maturity dominates, that childhood love is gone. It is a ghost.
I will never be that young and unsuspecting again, thinking that love wouldn't end. I wouldn't get hurt. That belief is gone. Reality kicked in. It is now a ghost.
All these things combined created a time of innocent happiness. That innocence is gone. it is a ghost.

All these ghosts of memories haunt me. Telling me all the things i can never have again. All these things i want, secretly. I yearn for those times again, but the past is the past. Yet i can never truly let go of them. The memory haunts me. It taunts me and taints my every thought about the future, telling me with logical whispers that i can never reclaim that happiness.

These ghosts, even as happy as they are, bring me down. They suck out my hopes, leaving me feeling heavy. I can never feel the way i did before i became haunted. These ghosts will never leave me as long as i live, making me fear that no thing yet to come will ever be able to wash them away. Its been almost three years, they are still as percistant as ever. Only now the barley audible whispers are becoming more clear in the night. Repeating in my brain, swimming freely in  my thoughts. They hold off sleep. They taunt me. They haunt me.

They say you never forget your first love, I wish I could.

******* 
The professor read it and had these points to improve it:

  •  It would add a lot to the essay if you included a scene of the moment of grief.
  • shorten the opening two paragraphs because they delay too long getting to your main subject.
okay... REVISED********


Have you ever been haunted by something? Its not always in the forefront of your mind, but when you relax and become vulnerable it slips into your thoughts and you  can't get away from it? Something that never completely leaves you, it's always lurking and waiting in the back of your subconscious to rush forward at a moment's notice. It could be a simple thought like "I'm not good enough..." or a trauma like "Remember that time in first grade when i wet myself in class....". It's something that brings you down even when you think you can say, "I've put it behind me! It won't bother me anymore!"  You know its not gone, just quieter; no longer yelling at you, it's softly whispering in the back of your mind; barely audible, but there none the less. It's something that you can never quite shake away completely, tainting your happiness if you ever let your guard down.

For me its a memory. Not of just one thing, but of a certain time in my life. A certain someone. Both the time when that someone was in my life and when they left. No this person isn't dead; that would almost make things easier. When someone dies and is separated from you, you can mourn them but it's not something you or that person can really have any control over. When someone leaves your life willingly, well... that's different.

For me it was hard. I remember grieving, first numbness that hit me when this person whom i so dearly loved said those painful words. Next came the sorrow. The moment when it sunk in that i was no longer good enough i practically collapsed in sorrow. The soft clover patch i fell onto wasn't soft enough to stop my heart from shattering. They weren't cool enough to fight the hot rush of tears burning their way down my face, drowning me. Of coarse i waited till i was alone to allow myself to feel these things.Then came anger. Very intense anger. At first i wanted them to feel the same pain i was. I very nearly accepted someone's offer to hurt them - a thought very tempting. But despite the immense pain, i still loved the knife that was sticking in my heart. 

Unable to deal with my anger the sorrow came again. Then anger. Then sorrow.The cycle continued endlessly; sometimes i went full circle in a day. Sometimes the cycle came and went in an hour. The wheels of torment revolved again and again until once again, i was numb to it. But even that respite didn't last, because the moment i thought i had moved on, i saw that person flash through my social media news feed and the misery started again. It took 2 years for me to completely heal; for that memory to stop yelling at me. Now it whispers.

I almost wonder if the whispering is worse.

The memories i have of that time with that person, they makes me happy and sad. Those times we went out driving just to be together. The adventurous trips we took together filled with laughter and smiles. The feelings of complete safety and comfort, wishing time would stand still. Now they also makes me scared. Back then i was in a bubble of happiness; despite being stressed, anxious and feeling like the world  was falling apart, as i'm sure every high school senior feels at some point. But while in love i was able to be naive and optimistic. Everything would be okay. 

Until one day that bubble popped. All those happy memories were now hurtful, it was painful to think about how happy i was in comparison to how sad i became. All the laughter and smiles felt like slashes and daggers in my heart. The memories yelled and screamed at me. Thev became like a  banshee shreiking her mourning song. 

Over time they quieted down, and soon even the aftermath became memories. They too whispered, but faded completely. The trauma itself faded. I don't fear being hurt again. I've come to almost value the pain i felt. No, what haunts me is how happy i was. It constantly whispers to me saying how i will never be that happy again. Unlike what most would expect, the ghosts i fear are not pain and self degrading. No, my ghosts laugh and smile and bring memories of good times with them. But good times that can never be replicated.

I will never be the girl i was before i had ever experienced true heartbreak. That girl is gone. She is a ghost.
I will never again see the world in the same nieve rosy colored glasses. That worldview is gone. It is a Ghost.
I will never be in a relationship that had so few social pressures. Maturity dominates, that childhood love is gone. It is a ghost.
I will never be that young and unsuspecting again, thinking that love wouldn't end. I wouldn't get hurt. That belief is gone. Reality kicked in. It is now a ghost.
All these things combined created a time of innocent happiness. That innocence is gone. it is a ghost.

All these ghosts of memories haunt me. Telling me all the things i can never have again. All these things i want, secretly. I yearn for those times again, but the past is the past. Yet i can never truly let go of them. The memory haunts me. It taunts me and taints my every thought about the future, telling me with logical whispers that i can never reclaim that happiness. 

These ghosts, even as happy as they are, bring me down. They suck out my hopes, leaving me feeling heavy. I can never feel the way i did before i became haunted. These ghosts will never leave me as long as i live, making me fear that no thing yet to come will ever be able to wash them away. Its been almost three years, they are still as persistent as ever. Only now the barely audible whispers are becoming more clear in the night. They whisper with soft voices repeating the same thoughts when my mind is tired and can no longer fight them off; leading me to tearful nights of insomnia. They taunt me. They haunt me.

They say you never forget your first love, I wish I could.

Monday, August 22, 2016

day 1 of junior year

so... monday/wed/fridays are going to be fun.

spanish is spanish. it has its pros and cons but i love the professor and the class is enjoyable.

psych of religion looks like its going to be enjoyable.... a lot of work, but enjoyable. it also has an option for a B+ or A grade, depensing on if i do the final presentation.... but with working so much idk if i can sign up for a group project. i'll have to cross that bridge when i get there.



bunger's class is a bunger class.... how can i not love it? its focused on goddesses and I GET TO WRITE A PAPER ABOUT BAST!!



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

tomorrow i need to buy a blue bubblesheet before i go to the PE class.
i also need to print out and do the spanish 001 review.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

2 short stories

I do think I'm going to do the breast feeding story from a child's pov... Or the pagan ritual story. 

And then one about a fiction fantasy writer. The girl is in a lecture hall about literary writing, Nd all she can think about is fantasy. She's begins to imagine the treacherous journey and the heroine falling in love with an elven prince..... Who just so happens to look a lot like Elain, the girl that sits one row below her. She daydreams and then is brought back to class with a line from the professor. Her eyes and mind travel the room, contemplating what kind of realistic thing she could write. Her eyes travel over different faces in the room, and when they reach the window on the far wall she imagines flying. Feeling the wind bends the her wings... Or the image in her mind changes - she is being carried by a beautiful harpy from the Norse mythology. Decked in armour the beautiful woman is regal and warrior like, reminding her of her sister in the military. 

She shakes her head, no! She needs to focus! Realistic.. What was something that was realistic but entertaining or interesting.... Not much. Murder!! Who wasn't interested in murder? She grinned to herself already imagining the killer and their back story. She could practically see the crime scene... When she is brought back to reality by the teacher. 

Realistic... How about something that was a hot issue? Abortion... She could write a teen pregnancy story that ends with an abortion but paints the girl in a sympathetic light? Nah. Homosexuality was probably something the professor saw all the time. Breast feeding was a possibility. She thought about the endless amount of videos spamming across her social medi shaming women for breast feeding in public. There was some potential...

But she wasn't satisfied. She wanted to really do something creative.. Only everything she could think of was not allowed. She wanted to do something clever since she couldn't do what she knew she excelled at. She couldn't tell if she wanted to scream in frustration or laugh at herself. Then it hit her. When you are put in a narrow box, think outside the box. She smiled as she jotted down her idea - she would write about a writer trying to think of what to write. 

SO DISAPPOINTED

apparently my CREATIVE FICTION WRITING class is all about "literary" or "realistic fiction". I quote:

"stories about characters who are real human beings, set somewhere that human beings have actually been, and with characters who can only do what real human beings can actually do. No genre fiction: horror or cannibalism, fantasy, westerns, romance, science fiction, no super heroes, no zombies, vampires or witches or spells-and-wands magic, no talking animals or plants. Please no gratuitous violence."


that pretty much covers EVERYTHING i write. i'm peeved.  i'm so disappointed. 

so i'm going to make a list of possible things for me to write about that i can look back on or submit to her for approval. 


Spiritual topics:
  • a girl who goes camping, meditates and reaches out to the 4 elements to perform a ritual/spell. THIS SHOULD BE ALLOWED BECAUSE this is an actual religious act and has been experienced by actual people. Myself included although only partially.
  • a girl has a traumatic experience and senses and is comforted by her guardian angel
  • tarot reading story -> everything, even things that seem bad (certain cards) can have a positive ending. 

Mental topics
  • idk...something regarding bipolar? looking back on my suicidal days?explain triggers? 
  • a girl sitting in class and through the psych class realizes that she is a psychopath? 
  • a girl who reads and writes fantasy to escape the hum drum normal life she is stuck in and then has to attend a creative writing class that restricts her from doing the thing she loves. 
sexual topics (not actual sex)

  • write about a homosexual living in the bible belt -> probably been done before.
  • write about an asexual living in loneliness surrounded by sexual people. (its not romance....its LACK of romance) leading her to become depressed and contemplate suicide. 
  • write from a child's pov about a woman breastfeeding in public, and not understanding why the grownups are being so mean or grossed out, in the end making the point, "she just feeding the babay?" -> we sexualize breasts, we're the ones messed up, not the mom. 

Abortion

So.... The other day I shared a pro choice picture and was challenged. The person said that they believe life happens at conception, and asked me at what point do I consider abortion murder. 

So I did research. And it changes my opinion. I was pro choice and anti abortion. Now? Pro choice and although I wouldn't feel comfortable getting one after 10 weeks, I'm not abortion. I don't feel abortion is murder unless it's after 16 weeks. 


I think abortions should be legal and accessible but I think that the time allotted for the procedure should be limited. The fact that some places will perform it at 25 weeks is rediculous. I was born at about 25 weeks.  I think that the limit should be 16-20 weeks.


But after doing research, I'm no longer anti abortion. 

Friday, August 19, 2016

Dance

so today i went dancing at crave. the local gay bar where the cute bartender works. i actually didn't go to see her, in my defense, i went to go see the drag shows. afterwards though, the bartender was off and danced with us. She pulled me off of the wall prety much (i was wallflower dancing, just swaying my hips and looking scared) and just danced with me. not the usual way either, not the grinding and club dance, but carefree type of dancing. she even spun me. afterward she busted out with some wicked dance moves and i ended up kicking my shoes off and just letting the myusic move my feet.....


and i danced. not the normal dance, but my dance. the type of dancing i use to do home alone at the house to my folk music. the kind of dance i did that put me in a trance at the last omnia concert. if i hadn't gotten interrupted who knows, maybe i would tranced out again? but as is, one of the girls that was hanging out with us, said i looked like i was doing a gypsy dance.


i havn't done that kind of dancing in two years ever since the trance.


i'm so happy its like a spell has been broken. i havn't been able to actually dance ever since that time. but i did. tonight i did my dance.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Rejected

So as I figured the tarot cards weren't referring to the cute bartender. Haha just like I suspected the age gap is an issue hahaha #rejected

Faeriecon 2016

OMNIA IS COMING BACK TO FAERIECON!!!! I might end up going by myself but I'm okay with that :) 

I've already got outfits picked out and ordered! 

For good faerie day, I'll either wear my elven green pants or my fake brown leather pants with boots.... Along with: 


And 

I also plan to give myself wings, but I would need to go to the fabric store and find a very light and clear material. I'll safety pin the tips to the top and tie the other ends to my wrist to make my wings. I can do the same thing to my evening gown for the ball. 

On bad faerie day I plan to wear this dress, with this skirt, so that the wings from the dress look like they come from a shirt and not a dress. The skirt is high waisted so that it goes up to my bust, covering the dress. 


And the skirt:




Now..... For the  evening masquerade balls. 

Good faerie ball (with the fabric wings) 


And this mask:

And for bad faerie ball I will wear my red medieval dress that I wore last year.





Tuesday, August 16, 2016

halloween idea

this year i'm going to be Audrey Hepburn's Sabrina for halloween....


  • Gloves 
    • http://www.ebay.com/itm/Fashion-Long-Gloves-Satin-Opera-Wedding-Bridal-Evening-Party-Prom-Costume-Gloves-/401013194592?var=670541904229&hash=item5d5e3fbf60:g:QG4AAOSwT5tWJJwP  
  • Dress
    • https://www.amazon.com/Vianla-Womens-Vintage-Cocktail-Dresses/dp/B0169OFOH4/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1471406956&sr=8-7&keywords=vintage+black+dress+v-neck
  • Hair piece
    •  https://www.amazon.com/Tonsee-Women-Turban-Headband-Headscarf/dp/B0172XKTG2/ref=sr_1_2?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1471468015&sr=1-2&nodeID=2474936011&keywords=50%27s+hair+black+accessories



and of course a fresh pixie cut

Thursday, August 11, 2016

crush on a bardtender??

So i may have a budding crush on a someone. who also happens to be a bartender. Although i am nervous the age gap (she is 26, i turn 21 in 4 months...) may be a deal breaker for her, she seems content to hangout with me; she has even voiced her intent to go to traleigh and party with me for my 21st.

she is super talented with the guitar and her style of singing is a mix between ounk and folk music. very unique.

she seems really cool and i definitely want to hang out with her somemore.
although i do have doubts...

either way i see it, its a win win situation. If things go well, then i may have a possible love interest. if things go south? i end up with a bad ass new friend.

but like i said its a budding crush. i'm not head over heels yet.

some fun facts? our astrological signs are SUPER compatible. super super.
tarot seemed to have a positive spin on it too. When i asked about if i should perue her or not, i got the card "the lovers".

when i asked about my immediate future in terms of love this is what i got.... i honestly don't' know if it will be in regards to the pretty bartender or not.

the first 6 cards are descriptive.
1. (Me) the hierophant - tradition, structure; i should behave the way i traditionally do/be myself
                                   - when in love act as someone in your place should, traditionally act 
2.(her) the chariot - force of personality, ability to reconcile problems
                            - don't let somone pressure you to rush into anything
3. (Above/me) queen of cups - dreamy woman, full of imagination and nurturing
                                           -  good omen, don't get swept up, maintain balance.
4. (Left/her) queen of wands - power of observation and leadership, growth, development, passion
                                           -you'll meetsomeon soon, light haired. good omen.
5. (Below/me)5 of pentacles -spiritually impoverished, disenfranchised; i'm not 100% sure of myself 
                                          -This card can be very much a card of feeling left out in the cold. It's important to remember that there is never only one person that we can be with and have a soul-level, happy, meaningful relationship. When love is right, you don't have to do back flips to make it work. Broaden your horizons and try hard to think positively. You are not an unlovable troll. = ESSENTIALLY i am insecure and will be dounful and feel left out. 
6. (Right/her) 4 of wands - harmony and fulfillment; she is self assured and in harmony with herself
                                      -If you're looking for love, it shows that special events (wedding, bar and bat mitzvahs, commitment ceremonies, etc.) are a good place to meet someone special now. If you get invited to something like this, and are single, make a point to GO.

** this descrition sounds about right for the bartender, but idk.

The journey:
7. Reversed fool - a warning not to jump into anything because the person (me) is doubtful... and i think i know why... *sex*, but that i should open myself up?
8. 8 of wands- when i'm ready for a commitment she may not be, i need to wait until she comes to me. OR according to Corie a good surprise will come? 
9. Reversed knight of swords  - "a signal to keep your eyes open and to try to look below the surface when you meet new prospective partners. Just because someone may try overly hard to impress you when you first meet doesn't mean that they're a loser. In an ongoing love relationship, something may be bothering your partner. If you sense this, ask."/ Corie says it means a fight... ending when somone gives up????
10. 9 of pentacles - "an excellent omen with regard to love, also. If you're currently committed, you can expect the relationship to raise to new heights of intimacy and joy. If you're unattached and looking, this card tells you that someone new who has what it takes to be a new, meaningful, deep love, could be headed your way". / Corie says that i will have to put my foot down about who i want this person to be in my life...essentially set boundaries. but it has a negative connotation. 



idk, so 've called for a third opinion. we will see what she says.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Novelist


My sister posted this on Facebook.(I was writing the opening scene to a project we are going to work on together). At first I was embarrassed and surprised since I had no idea she took the picture. But then I realized I felt happy and proud.  Seeing her post it made me feel like she was maybe kind of proud of me.

I think it is also the first time somone other than myself has flat out called me a novelist. Someone other than myself recognized me as such.  It felt amazing. 

Monday, August 1, 2016

COLLEGE NOTES - Fall Semester

Schedule 
PE - T/TH - 8-9 = Student Rec Center???????? -> where is this/where inside it?
intro into nonfiction  - T/TH 11-12:15 = Bate 2019
intro to fiction writing - T/TH - 12:30-1:45 = Bate 2019



span 3 MWF 8-9 = Austen 320 - I GOT MRS BORISOFF!!!! YAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSS
Psychology of Religion MWF 10-10:50 = Bate 1021
motherhood of god - MWF - 11-12 = Flannigan 262
-----------------------------------------------

my work availability:
12:30 - 10 on MWF (till 12 on fridays)
2:25-10 on T/TH
open on Sat and Sun

------------------------------------------------

Textbooks
Spanish - i own it - code is still good 
nonfiction - Writing True

  • rented 15$ (will have to be shipped back)

fiction - Method and Madness

  • Rented 30$ (will have to be shipped back)

psy of religion - (book is recommended but not required....  class seems scary so, yeah.)  "Psychology & Religion" 

  • rented 25$ (will have to be shipped back)

Motherhood of God - Good for further info, but bunger will give all i need in class for exam
PE - Fitness Matters (ew)

  • Bought 35$
With tax and shipping = 113.74$
-------------------------------------------------

Professors
Bunger = awesome. i know him. i love him. we're good. 

Liza A Wieland (fiction) = could go both ways... tough grader.
Amber F Thomas (nonfiction) = seems no nonsense. hates grading. doesn't actually seem too bad. 
Clement Joseph Handron (psych) = sounds like a psych version of bunger (I'M SO RELIEVED)
Anne Borisoff = LOVE HERRRR
Sue LaTrelle Cohen (PE) = no idea.

-------------------------------------------------

NOTES FOR SPRING SEMESTER

My minor
  • Eng 2815 - 3 (intro to creative writing)
  • Phil 2271 - 3
  • 2 out of : Eng 3830(intro to play writing), 3840 (into to poetry), 3860(non fiction writing)  - 6
  • one of these: Eng 3330, 3340 (contemp drama), 3410 (into poetry), 3831 (plays from writers POV), 3841(poetry from writers POV),3851(fiction from Writers POV),3861,4930 - 3
  • 2 or 3 of: - 6
    • Anth 3300 lang and culture
    • Clas 1300, 3300, 3400, 3405, 
    • ENGL 2230(southern lit), 4830 (script) ,4835,4840(advanced poetry),4850 (advanced fiction),4860(nonfiction),4885 (digital writing)
    • LING 2710,3700, 3720, 3750, 3240, 3250, 3260,3280,3290,3300,3460, 3570,3630, 3810,3870,3885,4230,4730
    • FILM 2900
    • GRBK 2000, 2010,2400 ,2500 ,2600
    •  HIST 333
    • PHIL 3272, 3331, 3350
    • POLS 3012 or 3045
 anything in bold is something i want to take out of the ones with the choices, highlighted is something that i feel i ABSOLUTELY MUST TAKE

and then there is my
anth requirements:
  • Feild methods -  senior spring - 3 writing intensive
  • Anth theory - junior spring - 3 writing intensive  
    • (writing intensive will be complete)
  • Motherhood of god - 3 credits (will complete the upper level anth electives)

Foundation requirements:
  •  2  1more courses in Spanish
  • Exercise 
  • 1 more social science 
  • 1 fine art: Public Speaking (maybe 2???)
  • 6 classes of just random electives
    • any of the bolded minor courses that i don't ended up taking for the minor
      • ENG 3410,
      • ENG 3850 (intro to fiction writing)
      •  4840
      •  ANTH 3300
    • Grims fairy tales class -> Possible humanities credit? - ASK BUNGER
    • should probably take: Hospitality 2100, 2170, and maybe 2200 - B&B


****** FIELD SCHOOL IS 6 credit hours.... since i would have finished my Anth by then.... IT'S ELECTIVE HOURS!!! so i would need less electives for general education....