butterflies in my belly and a smile on my face

well, the tarot card reading might be coming true. I don't want to say anything definite because i don't want to jinx it. (which also falls into what the reading said, basically keeping things on the down low for a while before coming out as a couple)


I'm actually a little bit alarmed at how fast this girl is growing on me. Like.... its kinda of exciting but scary at the same time.

With Corie andKennedy it was gradual and with Kennedy (my last full blown crush - the bartender was a budding crush that really didn't have any weight to it) in all my time with her, i never got to the point that i am with this girl. Kennedy and i never kissed. We never cuddled. Although i wanted to, it never happened.

This almost feels how it did with Staci. Which is a good sign... i could have fallen in love with staci. That ended before i actually did.

But i'm already at the stage where i miss this girl if i don't see her every day... which i pretty much have, since sunday. I saw her sunday night. Tuesday night. I might even see her tonight....

Thankfully i get to see her in my goddess class, every MWF.

But seriously... i need to calm the fuck down.

I get so happy when i see her. Her yankee accent drives me crazy with how cute it is. She is totally cool with me being pagan (she herself is agnostic, so thats a relief... no judgement.) She is all about Irish folklore and loves to hear and talk about faeries. She is into the supernatural.

FANTASTIC cuddler. She blushes easily, which is adorable.

I have a full blown crush and its only been 2 weeks since i met her. But i'm already hooked...

Its exciting... but scary.

Usually with a crush, it starts out slow and builds... this just sprang up with full force. Which is bad... it means i will get attached quicker (i already am...) and means that i will get hurt worse if it doesn't work out.

My crush on Kennedy started kinda fast but built slowly, and i was able to stay emotionally distant enough so that when she hurt me, i wasn't really all that hurt. i was disappointed, but that was about it.

I tried and very quickly failed to keep my heart distant with this girl.

Now i'm both worried and exhilarated.

I don't want to get hurt. I don't. I know that i say that even if getting hurt is the "destination" the journey is worth it... but i'm genuinely scared of it now.

Don't get me wrong... i'm not hoping that this thing that is growing between me and her falls through, just the opposite..

but certain topics havn't popped up yet that i'm not sure how she is going to handle. (i.e. sex and mack lack of motivation for it).

what if that is a deal breaker for her?

this makes my chest tighten. my heart feels sick.

But then i think about her smile, and her pretty blue eyes with their flecks of gold...  and i can't help but smile.


BUT in summary - I am crushing WAY TOO HARD, and WAY TOO FAST and i'm worried about how this is going to turn out.


I might need a tarot card reading.... because is she is the one the other readings are talking about, this will be a long lasting relationship. If she isn't the one the cards told me about.... i really need to know so i can cut off and cauterize this situation.


 but i really hope this is it.