hanged man

brooks and i have reached the hanged man.

he sees me as an enemy now and i don't know how it spiraled this far out.

all i did was visit maggie instead of going to D&D, missing a single session, and now suddenly i've betrayed him and am the enemy.

aparenlty i am nieve (i am. i know i am) and i want everyone to be just like me and i only see what i want to see.  He says i don't care how he feels - only how he perceives me.

of coarse i care how he feels. how could i not? hes my brother. but any time i get within a foot of him he expels distrust and hatred and anger and accusation. Its almost like a physical wall - how can i get through that?

i can't.

and now i am on this list with maggie and whoever else.

because i won't officially pick a side.  (although he claims that i have.... i see no sides. i only see people i love and support.)
because i won't jump on the bandwaggon of just accusing someone of breaking into his house without definitive proof.
because i chose to see friends who i hadn't seen in a while over going to a game that we have every week.

it wasn't even like i canceled on a time to sit and talk. it would have been them high off their asses, maybe him drinking - maybe not, and us playing the game. no deep conversations. no getting our feelings out. it would have just been the game.

but no. apparently i blew off important plans to consort with the enemy - now i am one too.

fuck him.

i love him so much this hurts to badly. I can't handle this level pain so i'm not. 30-70 me-fae.

she is pretty much running the show right now. i'm just curled up in the fetal position crying.

we have reached the hanged man and i can't breathe.