Goddamn it.

I keep ducking up.

So I’ve been in a shit mood since Jimmie and I have driven back to Greenville after visiting his family. And bless his heart, he put up with it.

My brain really doesn’t make sense. I was upset over a single ducking word.

He’s been talking to this girl Kate. Which I’m okay with for the most part. He asked if I minded if he has a fling with her, and I took that as just sex. A friend, with benefits so to speak. Fine.

But then in the car he was talking about waiting and putting off having a relationship with her until things with me and Ayla are solid and settled.

I got jealous over the word relationship. Because to me that involves emotions and it made me jealous. And not my usual cold jealous which manifests as anxiety, I got hot jealous which manifested as me getting mad.

And he could tell. The con of dating an empath is it’s almost impossible to hide something from them. So of coarse he asked what was up.

Then I had this whole arguement in my brain about Wether to tell him or not, except both voices in my head sounded the same. One said to tell him and the other said there was no point since he literally just said he WASNT going to have a relationship with her (...yet) and that I was getting jealous over nothing. I don’t know which voice was mine and which wa fae but I ended up not talking And just feeling like crap.

And he could tell. But it’s just insecure girl brain. And the second voice was right.

I had a slight inclination to talk to Ayla about it but she’s asleep and I don’t think it would have done any good.

Truth is I’m a coward and don’t want to admit to having a problem because of coarse I’m going to be the one to fuck everything up.

The most important thing in any relationship, especially a poly one, is communication.


And I suck at it.

And of coarse I know I’m being irrational. Which I why I didn’t want to say anything. So I blog about it and then ignore it or bury it. Like the proper self destructive person that I am.

And when I think about it, I don’t get jealous of Ayla because I’m dating her too. Ayla has other partners but from what I gather they are almost purely sexual. And I don’t get jealous over Ayla because I haven’t had the chance to get as emotionally attached to her the way I have with Jimmie.


What if I can’t do the open poly? I’m going to fuck everything up.

Goddamit. Every time.