to do today before work

I got 3 hours to...

- turn in ethnography project outline 
-pack back for psych 
- write English paper
- memorize poem for recitation --> poem featured as section 5 in Dragon flies mating

If you're afraid now?
Fear is a teacher. 
Something you thought that
Nothing could reach her,
Nothing can reach you. 
Wouldn't you rather
sit by the river, sit
On the dead bank,
Deader than winter,
Where all the roots gape?


- edit novel for at least 30 minutes
- read sample essay for tutoring
- start making online survey for eth. Project

A day off

So today I had the day off with Jimmie. Except I was on call for work. Shelby broke her wrist and asked me to take her shift... I pretty much told her if I got called in I would come in, but that was pretty much it. I did tell her though to have them call me in if the pain got too much.

So I call in.

“Hey do I need to come in?”
“No because Shelby is here.”
“How is she doing?”
“Well I had to help her dress herself, that how she’s doing.”
“I told her if the pain was too much to have you call me in.”
“No. Enjoy your day off. Bye.”

Yeah. I am not obligated to volunteer to take a shift on my day off.
She should have called out. Or they should have sent her home. They should have called me in. None of that happened and it’s not on me.

I needed a day off.
A day away from everything.
A day to step out of the real world, just for a little while.

I’m failing a class even though I’ve studied.
My ac/heat is broken.
I lost the Maryland toll ticket and if I can’t pay it on time the price goes up $50.
I’m already stressing about money.
I’m stressed by the fact that when I graduate I’m going back to working 2 jobs and destroying myself.
I also don’t have a definitive place to move into when my lease runs up.
My bipolar is acting up.
It’s been brought to my attention that I have memory gaps. Conversations I have no recollection of having. That has never happened before. (That I’ve been aware of.) and it’s fixking scary.


So yes I was selfish today because I needed a fucking day off.

But now it’s over.
It’s time to go back to the real world.

Gods work is going to suck tomorrow. And if they come at me for taking today I’m going to fucking lose it.

you say that you love me - a poem

You say that you love me. - a poem


You say you love me,
yet lingering in the air,
is the distinct feeling
that you don't want me there.

you say you love me,
as you hug me goodbye.
I know you're lieing,
I can't meet your eyes.

you say you love me,
and despite my defense,
i'm branded a traitor,
to love you from a distance.

you say you love me,
and i know you wish it true,
but whats the point of lieing,
is it for me? for you?

you say you love me,
and i know i love you more.
yet i'm sleeping with the enemy,
i'm the lost one, the whore.

you say you love me,
but my anxiety says otherwise,
am i not thinking clearly,
or just seeing with clearer eyes?

you say you love me,
how i wish it was true.
all i ever really wanted,
was true happiness for you.

you say that you love me,
yet i doubt you can forgive,
i perused my own happiness,
do i not get to love?

you say that you love me,
i will wait while i can,
but i feel you will leave me,
because i love the man.

you say that you love me,
and life's not really fair,
yet who knows how long
I'll even be here.

You say that you love me,
maybe its true.
Just know that no matter what,
I will always love you.

You say that you love me,
but when i reach out a hand,
i'm met with sad silence,
and now I understand...

You say you love me,
the words linger in the air,
and while it may be true, I know
that you don't want me there.

Predisposed

So apparently I psychology there is a theory that those who have a  predisposition to depression happen to have thought processes that focus on the negative instinctively.

Like the fact that my finances are fucked.
Or the fact that I feel cut off from friends and even though they don’t I feel they hate me.
Or that I no longer have any hobbies.
Or I can’t stand to be alone because the silence is too loud.
Or the fact that I just failed another test in the same class, despite the fact that I studied.
Or the fact that my mind is in a constant state of anxiety, like I hear enemy music but just can’t see them.

Why is it so easy to focus on those but not what’s good in my life?
Like...

I have a loving boyfriend... whom I smother because I have no one else to go to.
I have a loving supportive mom... who is sick. I need to visit her. I miss my mom.
I...have a job that I like. Even if it makes me nocturnal despite having morning classes.
I’m passing my classes... I think. Except the one I keep failing tests in.
I have devoted and loving cats... who I constantly miss because my heart is in 2 desperate homes.

Why do I have a predisposition to being miserable? My happiness lasts for about as long as the next mole hill made mountain.

I know what comes next. I can already see the thoughts taking form.
Why did I swerve in that car crash again?

Last post was dramatic

My last post was a bit dramatic.

I’m letting my anxiety get the better of me.

The separate group chat isn’t made to purposefully exclude me... although it doesn’t change the fact that I am left out of the loop on everyone’s lives. I left out of social gatherings.

And people are busy. I get that. I don’t need to hear from them every day.

I’m letting my anxiety get out of control.

I just want them all to be happy.

I want Aaron to be happy, and if that involves Dylan than I pray that it happens.

I want Amy and brooks to have a strong and successful relationship because they both deserve it.

I want B and Dakota to find people that love and respect them.

But it would also be nice for that to be reciprocated.

I want the best for all of them, I want to know that their lives are going okay, I want to see them and be near them and that’s just not the reality.

Amy no longer trusts me.
Aaron reaches  out occasionally when he’s drinking or stressed about school.
Brooks and I have gotten to friendliness at work (although who knows how long that will last). I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss him.

I miss them all.

Why can’t they be glad that I’m happy?
I am finally happy in a relationship- the healthiest relationship I’ve been in in almost 4 years.

Is he perfect? No.
Has he made mistakes? Yes. In this relationship and the last...
 but what happened in the past, is the past.

He supports me.
Emotionally. - he makes me feel loved, he boosts my self esteem and supports my dreams and spirituality

Mentally. He comforts me when my anxiety gets bad, he isn’t scared off by fae or my bipolar. And while there really isn’t much he can do when I’m getting depressed - he makes sure I know he cares.

Physically. - he makes me feel safe, he makes sure I eat and take my meds, he helps me explore sex in a patient and nonjudgmental way.

He loves me.
And I love him.

I love how his face lights up when he talks about video games or 3D printing. I love his passion for cooking and for space.
I love him.

It started out with us just comforting each other... me trying to distract him from his broken heart, and him helping me cope and heal from Corie.

Neither of us intended on developing feelings... but we did.

And I really am happy.
And I’m sad that it doesn’t seem to be enough for my friends.

Left out

I knew it.

I knew it.

I’ve felt left out for a while now.

Suspected that the reason I never hear from anyone or hear about what’s going on their lives is because there was another group chat that I just wasn’t part of.

There is.

I knew it.

I just don’t understand why.

Because I’m dating Jimmie?

Any mistakes made in the past were in the past. I don’t doubt that they happened. But this is a new relationship.

My relationship with him has been healthy, supportive, loving, and fulfilling. I feel at ease and loved and safe and happy. I’m finally happy.

It has been the only part of my life I don’t constantly stress or feel distressed about.

Lacking a spiritual support system, missing all of my friends and feeling as if I’m an outsider who can’t even look in, that’s distressing.

And I was right.

It hurts.

Deteriorating

I feel like my mind is deteriorating and I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

I want to break something.
Act out.

Caged.
Trapped.
Like there is a threat just around the corner that I just don’t see coming.

Is this just extreme anxiety?
I feel like the two sides of my brain are slamming against each other and the friction is painful.

Fae isn’t trying to drive. Maybe she is? Maybe she isn’t?

The percentages are going haywire in my mind.

I just need to talk to someone who understands...
And the only one close by I cat go to anymore.

Please don’t let me have a crying fit on the bus.



I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this

I’m fine for a month or two and then melt down.
My brain and thoughts are childish.

My eyes leak and I feel like I’m going crazy.

I hate this I hate this I hate this.

also about jimmie

So... I lucked out.

My past 3 partners have all known about fae in varying degrees. Cory kinda knew about her, "my faerie side". Lauren knew about her but never met her. And now jimmie.

jimmie has been the most supportive, patient, and understanding partner when it comes to my mental health.

he calms me down when my anxiety gets bad. He makes me laugh when i'm feeling down.. (amongst other methods). He is patient when my bipolar is acting up and i go a little crazy.... He loves me... both of the me's.

he has seen fiona in multiple occasions... and in different moods. and he isn't scared off by her... even though she was feeling kinda dangerous last night. he handled her perfectly.

i'm so lucky.

how did I get this lucky?

I could cry.

not going to be homeless!

So when my lease runs up in july... i'm not going to be homeless!!!

i will be getting the condo i am so in love with, with Morgan and Cole.

does that mean i have stopped looking at places? no... because of coarse i'm going to daydream about places to get with jimmie. :P

i  kinda love the guy and i like daydreaming.

episode

so i had an episode last night... unprovoked, I switched over to Fiona - hard core. I forgot just how fully liberating is it to be her. To give zero fucks. To feel powerful. Like i could take on the world and make it kneel.

it was aso a bit alarming. I forgot also that when in full swing she can be quite destructive. Thank goodness Cory was there last night because when she/i pulled up,  i was ready to dominate. As in Jimmie would have been subjugated and kneeling, with chains and a collar (none of which were available, but that was the image in my/her mind). She/I wanted to sink my nails into him and ... just revel in  the power. She is fae and she wanted to remind him of what kind of creature he keeps in his company.

it reminds me why i use to be afraid of her. As exhilarating as it is to be her... if she acted on her impulses and desires I fear for those around.  I'm kind of glad cory was there because it made her behave and hold back.

I miss it. as soon as the percentages shifted back into my favor I was left with the stark differences between us. I was suddenly vulnerable and weak. Her strength and lack of fear (of anything...) was gone. I am a pale blue in comparison to her brilliant red.

Jimmie was great. He just rolled and went with it. He could tell as soon as I walked up that I was Fiona, and he acted accordingly... wrapping around her, covering her shoulders in small adoring kisses. She wanted to play with him.. to take him in the back and wrestle him. To remind him that she was in charge, no matter who won the game. She wanted him to be her human pet... as faeries sometimes take us as.

none of tat occurred, of coarse.

When she takes over and drives, i am alarmed, like riding a roller coaster... I am afraid for my friends but .... I miss it as soon as the ride is over.

And I know she wouldn't severely harm anyone... it would cause trouble for me. But... gods above. I was messed up for like an hour as the percentages in my brain were going haywire. I didn't recognize my reflection. Its like that weird space in-between selves.... where I'm not one or the other... i'm not even a mix of both... i'm neither, almost an empty husk of a person....

to do

so i
m giving Jimmie some space since i spet all of yesterday with him and he needs to get some homework done.

Feels wierd not being over there, kinda miss him, but the cats are happy.

so what do i do with my 4 hours of free time?
none of my friends are available to hang out.

• Cat litter
• sexuality study guide
• finish editing that girl's novel
• Ethnography Assignment#4 - due the 21st
• Writ up 4pg paper on poetry book - due next eek?
• finish the last episode of dracula

day trip

so yesterday Jimmie and I both had off from work, so we decided to take a day trip!

to the sylvan heights bird park.

It was great.

I got to see 3 different types of swans (so beautiful!!)
SO MANY FLAMINGOS - and i got to feed and pet some!
I saw cute little owls... big eagles... then..

i got covered head to toe in bugee birds.
it was amazing.

Now i want 2 sweet little bugee babies. they were so small and cute, and easy to handle.
ugh <3

so now I want"

- cats
-ribbon snake
- 2 buggee birds

cruise

okay so i went on a 7 day cruise..... and pretty much hated it.

• I felt trapped on the ship. Like i was a caged animal. 
• I missed my boyfriend intensely. 
• I couldn't really connect with people, so i was lonely. 
• I was insanely bored. There wasn't much to do on the ship. 
• The water was sooooo rough.... many experienced cruisers said this was the roughest cruise they had ever been on. 
• Because of ^ I was very seasick the first 3 days.
• We couldn't make out first port because of the rough waters. I wanted to see the atlantis aquarium. It was disapointing. 
• I made the decision to buy the drinking package (almost 500$) so that Stacey could have it. Due to that i couldn't afford do do any excursions on shore except for one - swimming with sting rays

The last 2 days were kinda fun but i think that was because we were headed home.

Baby free

so I got the Paraguay’s IUD inserted today.

As painful as that was - and despite what everyone says - is. Is. Painful:

In 24 hours I will Be baby free for the next 10 years.