episode

so i had an episode last night... unprovoked, I switched over to Fiona - hard core. I forgot just how fully liberating is it to be her. To give zero fucks. To feel powerful. Like i could take on the world and make it kneel.

it was aso a bit alarming. I forgot also that when in full swing she can be quite destructive. Thank goodness Cory was there last night because when she/i pulled up,  i was ready to dominate. As in Jimmie would have been subjugated and kneeling, with chains and a collar (none of which were available, but that was the image in my/her mind). She/I wanted to sink my nails into him and ... just revel in  the power. She is fae and she wanted to remind him of what kind of creature he keeps in his company.

it reminds me why i use to be afraid of her. As exhilarating as it is to be her... if she acted on her impulses and desires I fear for those around.  I'm kind of glad cory was there because it made her behave and hold back.

I miss it. as soon as the percentages shifted back into my favor I was left with the stark differences between us. I was suddenly vulnerable and weak. Her strength and lack of fear (of anything...) was gone. I am a pale blue in comparison to her brilliant red.

Jimmie was great. He just rolled and went with it. He could tell as soon as I walked up that I was Fiona, and he acted accordingly... wrapping around her, covering her shoulders in small adoring kisses. She wanted to play with him.. to take him in the back and wrestle him. To remind him that she was in charge, no matter who won the game. She wanted him to be her human pet... as faeries sometimes take us as.

none of tat occurred, of coarse.

When she takes over and drives, i am alarmed, like riding a roller coaster... I am afraid for my friends but .... I miss it as soon as the ride is over.

And I know she wouldn't severely harm anyone... it would cause trouble for me. But... gods above. I was messed up for like an hour as the percentages in my brain were going haywire. I didn't recognize my reflection. Its like that weird space in-between selves.... where I'm not one or the other... i'm not even a mix of both... i'm neither, almost an empty husk of a person....