New beginnings and fights

I don’t have anyone to talk to so once again I’m using this blog as a one sided conversation/rant.

So it’s official. We signed the lease Monday.
I’m feeling relaxed, I don’t have to stress about finding a place. I’m not stressed about money because I have my share of everything.

Or so I thought.


I haven’t seen Jimmie very much because he’s been busy with studying for certification tests. So I ask him to come over and cuddle. We get talking and he tells me that I’m paying my pet deposit completely.

Now normally this wouldn’t upset me except that he assured me that I wouldn’t when we first talked about getting a place together.  He said that he and Cory didn’t see it as a “we each pay our respective parts” (me with the whole pet fee, him having all of his 495$ deposit transfer) but rather just the whole sum and divided by 3.

Now he’s gone back on that. He and Cory don’t feel Comfortable paying the pet deposit. And then he argues that in a way he has because of his deposit transferring. Whole sum divided by 3 my ass.

I’m not mad about the money although it would have been a hell of a lot nicer to know as soon as things had changed so I could change my spending habits accordingly. It’s not the money. I’ve done the math. I should be good even with the increase.

No I’m mad that he lied about how things would get split. Granted we did have to pay less of a deposit because of his transferring. But we already planned for that. Or rather I was going to pay mine and his share if it didn’t transfer and he was going to pay my first months rent. Either way the deposit was going to get covered and used in all of our favor.

So we’re done arguing. I’m facing the wall he’s on his phone beside me on the bed. I’m still mad but I still miss him and want cuddles. I tell him so. He actually turns me down. “How about pets?” And then pets my head in what feels like  condescension. When I shrug his hand off we just stay in silence for what feels like forever.

I’m waiting for him to just fucking leave because I asked him over for cuddles. He refused. No need for him  to be there if all he was going to do was keep me up and play on his phone - I can’t go to sleep until he leaves because I have to lock the door behind him. He can play on his phone to who knows when at home. Im waiting, I can’t bring myself to actually tell him to go because I fucking miss him. I’m now counting down how much sleep I can possibly get, sit up to set an alarm, and Smokey jumps off of him. This spurs him to leave and  I try to go to bed. Angry thoughts circling in my brain and no one to talk through them with. So I’m blogging.

Maybe now I can get some fucking sleep.

Not likely.