Obligation

I am a slave to obligations. They rule my life. I cannot break them... why? I don’t know. Maybe because I’m use to people I depend on have disappointed me enough that I can’t stand the thought of disappointing others.

I feel obligated to move in with Morgan and Cole. Why do I feel obligated? Because I agreed to. Do I want to, honestly? No. I would much rather live by myself, but I can’t afford it.

So get a better job.

Well there is really only one option and it’s not even a 100%  guarantee; a bank teller at BB&T.

Why not go for it?

I feel obligated to the Bistro. Why do I feel obligated? Because I said that I planned on staying for at least a year when Mrs heather asked me about it.

I can’t break obligations. I am ruled by them.

Why didn’t I leave the witchy group after it grew toxic because I was dating Jimmie? Obligation. For one, I cared about them. But mainly because I felt obligated to stay. Why? Because I said I’d never walk away - I promised not to abandon them. They walked away from me, thus freeing me of said obligation.

But I’m not free of my current obligations. I’m moving in with Morgan and Cole - if we can move our asses andget this place.

I’d feel a guilt at leaving bistro  so intense that it makes me debate wether swallowing a handful of lorazepam would be better than disappointing Mrs Heather.

And honestly I just want to check out instead.

Didn’t plan on making it this far to begin with.

I wasn’t suppose to graduate college. I wasn’t suppose to have to deal with all this.

I was suppose to be dead by now.

And honestly wish I could be at times.

But you know why I’m not?

I feel fucking obligated to live.

I promised Dr. Knox and Dr. Bunger that as long as I knew them I wouldn’t try to kill myself.

I fucking feel obligated to live because I don’t think my mom would be able to handle me leaving. It’s one of the fucking reasons I didn’t go to Georgia for school. It’s one of the reasons I can’t kill myself.

I feel obligated to live because I love Jimmie and don’t want to cause him pain.

But mostly I’m obligated to live because of my cats. I am obligated to take care of them because unlike any other reason on this list they depend on me for survival.


So yeah. My life is run by fucking obligations.