Crying on the couch

This Wednesday jimmie is going to have dinner with his grandma and aunt.
I’m on call Wednesday. So there’s a chance I might have it off and my first thought was to be excited and happy because that meant I could finally see them.

Then I remembered I’m jimmies ex now... and even though I’m sure they would be happy to see me... I can’t go. It would be too weird.

I don’t think I could emotionally handle seeing them as his ex girlfriend. I thought that those women were going to be my future family.

That’s gone.

I bonded with his grandmother. I miss her. But I’m not his girlfriend and I’m not privy to that part of his life anymore.

And it just brought back all the pain.
Everything. All the hopes and dreams I had about a life with him.
All the trust I had in him.
Everything I associated him with.

It’s all gone.
And my heart is breaking all over again.

He was the constant, steadfast part of my life that I knew I could trust and count on no matter what life through at me.
And despite what little bit of reassurance he may try to give me... he is no longer a steady rock in my life. He is uncertainty. He is both comfort and pain.

We aren’t taking a break. We are broken up completely.
I have to move on.
I have to get use to the idea without him. Without his family. Without... everything I thought my future would bring.

How can I force myself to stop loving him? Loving him hurts. The idea of not loving him hurts.

I am in a period of transition and I just need it to end.

Either a miracle happens... or I need to get over him. Somehow.

And despite what every fiber of my being wants and craves... I have to start taking measures to force myself forward.

No more taking comfort in him. No more intimate moments. No more cuddles on the weekends. No more extended family. No more anything.

I need to stop thinking of him as the man I love. I need to stop trying to read into what he sends, does, or says to me.
He is my roommate and my friend. That is the role he said he wanted and I need to stop trying to make it anything more than it is.

I can miss him. I can mourn him. But I can’t keep going to him.

Otherwise I’m just going to keep coming back to te place I am now.
Confused and crying.

I am so tired of the pain and uncertainty.
I just need a sign. Something certain and concrete.
No transitions or mixed signals.

I need to turn to myself, my gods, and my spirituality.
That is where I need to draw comfort. That is where I need to draw my certainty.

People are fickle. I need to give my heart and my pain to the gods. Because obviously I can’t trust it to anyone else right now, including myself.