face it

I think I just need to face it.

Jimmie is done with me.  I think hes been done with me for a while... i don't know exactly when... the very latest was in april. perhaps back when the hurricane hit he was already done with me... but then why didn't he let me leave? Hell... I honestly think it could have been before November and our anniversary.

so some time between october/november 2018 and april 2019 he realized he didn't love me anymore. He didn't want me anymore. He stayed with me because he's too much of a coward to actually break up with me himself... that and what we had was what had become normal. comfortable, even if he wanted it to end.

and that has carried over into how we interact now.. everything he has said since we broke up.... all of the "baby"'s and sweet words... they've come out of habit. All of his sweet actions.... the cuddles, the occasional hand hold.... its muscle memory and comfort.

none of it means anything because i'm still here and thats why he does it.
It will all stop when i'm out of the apartment.

i can almost guarantee it. i'll get an occasional snap.. occasional meme.. maybe one or two visits and then it will all stop completely.

the "i love yous" are platonic at best and more than likely just to keep me pacified while i'm still here so he doesn't have to deal with me being weepy and emotional.

I've lost the man that i love.. the one who i thought i would end up spending the next, i don't know.... 20-30 years with?And i don't even know how long hes actually been gone.

so i need to take everything thats happened or been said at face value. At best it comes out of habit and a desire to retain what is comfortable for as long as he can... at worse its all just an act to keep me from being too unbearable to live with.