How is he so sure?

How is he so sure?
After hurting my feelings last night he apologized today.

And he said that he has no doubt; that he loves me and he has no doubts about the fact that we will get back together. “I just need this time... and thank you for giving it to me”.

I wish I had his confidence. He himself is comfort and what I use to associate  as home.
Now he himself acts as a band-aid on the gaping wound in my chest where my heart use to be.
The void that once was a house that our love built, now is a sinking black hole. Only doubts and tears come from  there.

“Thank you for giving me this time”
Well I didn’t have much of a choice.
I see why you need time, I do. I see you in pain.
But I don’t see growth. I don’t see anything to give me hope that this “time “ will end.
For all I know this time could take years.

And I can’t be in constant pain for years. I need to take care of myself.
I’ve gotten his blessing that he wouldn’t love me any less if I started casually dating someone.
And I told him if he did the same I would TRY not to take it personally. (If they aren’t married then she isn’t a threat).

I love him. I’m in so much pain because I believe the life I was going to have with him is over. Will never be. I don’t have the confidence and the certainty he does.

He just thinks it’s been paused and will continue on again. He has no doubt.

I am filled with doubt.
I just need someone fun and casual to distract me. Someone willing to be mine and be fine without having my heart because it doesn’t matter how soon or how far I find a partner.... my heart belongs to him. Until he releases me completely.

Until he tells me there is no future between us, I will ache and pine for him.
Unless I have a distraction.
The pills aren't the right way to go (plus I’m almost out).
I need a person.

I need a casual partner to get me through this.

I love him too much to be around him and not be with him.

Everything he says are just words. Sweet words. But words are empty. I don’t believe them.
Actions. Movement. Proof.

He showed me what he plans to get his grooms men. So he plans to eventually Mary someone.
He seems determined to see me "once a week" when I move.
If he can stick to that, honestly stick to it... then maybe there will be hope for us.

But all I feel is doubt and sorrow when it comes to the two of us.
When it gets to the point where he is honest and tells me he doesn’t want to be with me at all, that we are truly done... I’ll show him the ring.