do not be alarmed!!

First off: do not be alarmed at anything in this post. i do not plan to act on any of these feelings, i merely want to just record ow i am feeling as that is the purpose of having this blog.

so a friend of mine made a status on facebook about how she/he feels that they are going to die at a young age. this reminded me of how i too feel i will die at a young age, and that i will die via car accident.  now i have felt this since my freshman year in highschool. i have also predicted my death to be before i go to college, but i could be wrong.

honestly? i hope i'm not wrong. i truly do not wish to live too long in this life. i feel that this life isn't suiting my spirit and that i would be quite happy to only stay here for a sort while.  i find i don't like how fast humans grow into maturity and that time is too fast in this life. I don't think my spirit was as prepared for this life as it thought.

it is times like these i think about suicide, not out of despair, but out of impatience. The closer i get to college, the more pressure i am put under to prepare, the more impatient i grow. where is that car accident? Have i missed my chance? i feel like a person waiting for their flight at an airport.

But to copmmit suicide would hurt others, and send my spirit into unnecessary trauma. so don't worry about me actually acting on ow i feel. I just.... i want to get out. out of this body.... which feels like a heavy coat at the moment. i want a break.... i want to breathe. its because of how i'm feeling that i can't focus on the spiritual reading i was trying to do.

now, i know this feeling will subside once i meditate. but i am truly getting anxious... i am anxious that the acident won't happen. now i don't want to leave the people i have met and love, but i want out. i feel caged. i feel cramped and stuffy. time is both slowing down and speeding up at the same time and i just want it to stop.

well off to meditate, night all <3
~peace