i feel the panic begin to set itself in my stomach. my eyes begin to tear up with hot salt water, making them burn. no. just no. i'm not ready. i'm not ready to be a senior. i'm not ready. I'M NOT READY!!!!!!!
not because i am at school, i cannot talk/type as freely as i normally would... so let me say this politely. fudge.shirt. fudge.fudge.fudge. shirt.shirt.shirt.
you can say no to several things. sex.drugs.bad grades. those things you can stop and you have control over. but time? the...female dog... will just laugh in your face. Now, time is neutral, she often doesn't favor anyone. but she can be entirely cruel. Humans mature (physically) waaaaaaaay to fast. i don't understand it. i'm.not.ready.
but ready or not, here i come. and it makes me panic. shirt. shirt.shirt.shirt.shirt.shirt.shirt.
what happens if i don't die after high school? what happens if the car accident doesn't happen? i live. my worst and dreaded fear. I'd rather go insane, i'd rather die, i'd rather be taken away by the fae..... but to live in this day and age, in this society? no. that is my worst fear.
i'm not ready for it. i'm not.
it makes me so anxious. so angry. to sorrowful.
and, to top off this horrible morning.
My twin is comming home tomorrow from basic training. i am happy about this. BUT. she sent out txts to several people, her close friends. does she txt me? NO. I'm HER FUDGING SISTER! nothing.
so: hurt feelings and anxiety, that is how my morning has been. and it is only 9:38. fun.
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