secret admirer is...

secret admirer was kaylah... i basically wrote in the same rhymey way it would be best if we stayed friends.

convo :3

Ashley W is soo....awesome.

our convo last night has told me several things...

-she is picky about what books she reads
-she likes harry potter
-she does weed, but not just for the hell of it
- she likes baseball
-she likes English and science
-she likes Phish food....its her favorite. um...it also happens to be my favorite icecream.... sadly i han't eaten it in years though :/ its never on sale

she also has the sweetest, cutest little brother!! lol
sad thought.... she might be in a relationship....

but she is so awesome!!!!!!!!

questions

questions i need to ask jake so that i can move on...but i'm too mad to talk to him and i don't have the heart to drag anyone else into this..


"- were you happy with me?
- you said that the idea of us being fallbacks never entered your mind till your mom brought it up right? (answer to this one is yes)
- if you were happy...then why exactly did you break up with me? DO NOT SAY IT WAS BECAUSE OF WHAT YOUR MOM SAID. i don't care if you agreed with her. i need to have a legit reason. (keep in mind you did say i was your fall back..)
                             -was it because you only dated me out of loneliness and i served my purpose?
                           - was it because you thought it wasn't fair that you were dating me out of loneliness and it wasn't fair?
                            -was i just something to pass the time?
                            - did you think i thought of you as a fallback too?
                            - if so, do you remember me WAITING 3 WEEKS to even mention my feelings to you to MAKE SURE that it wasn't out of loneliness?

-what was the exact reason..YOUR reason..not your mom's..?
-what happened to your promise of not letting your mom interfere with our relationship? "

those are my questions. and i just need to find a way to get him to answer them honestly, without me actually talking to him.

if i can get all this off my chest, get his answers....then i can move on.

Original Short Story :)

Just a Day in Paradise.

By Lisa Sawyer

       I smiled as I felt something softly touching my hair. I figured it was my cat trying to tell me he was there and it was time to either get up out of bed or time to give him love. “Not now... just a few more minutes” I told him groggily. Through my eyelids I could see faint glimmers of light and...movement?

       “good morning” I heard a beautiful voice croon as I slowly opened my eyes. The drapes were drawn so only little rays of the morning sunlight shown through. I looked up into her smiling face, with kind eyes as she stroked my hair with gentle hands. I looked over my head at my alarm clock, it's bright green message read: 10:30. I smiled sleepily, then bolted up, wide awake.

     “what are you doing here? I thought you had class and then work?” I asked in surprise. Sshe nodded as I spoke but only smiled, a sweet yet mischeivious pixie smile.

     “I decided to call in 'sick' today and I can always call a friend for the notes I missed today. I figured since you weren't feeling well, and I know how you get when you're sick, i'd be 'sick' too.”

She winked at me and kissed my forehead. Then she giggled and said with bright eyes, “what do you want to do today love?”

      But she already knew the answer. When I get sick there I always want to cuddle, snuggle, and watch movies, so she crawled into bed with me, gathered me against her and said that cofee was brewing in the kitchen. I could already smell it wafting into the room as I breathed her in. Snuggling closer to her I sighed contently.

     About half an hour later, both of us still in out pajamas with mugs of cofee in our hands, we were together on the couch. We had descided to watch my favorite Disney movie first. I love how she nurtures my inner child I thought amazed by how lucky I was. As if reading my mind she looked at me, her eyes playful, and stuck her tongue out at me, scrunching up her nose in the process. I giggled, scooted closer to her, and got ready to watch the movie. I always loved “Disney's Peter Pan”, loved how it took me away from the world of grown ups with bills and wrk and college classes, loved how it could make me feel like a little girl again. She could do all that as well, only she made me feel like a child and a woman at the same time.

      While we watched Pan flying around, our toes wrestled at the edge of th blanket. I looked over at her, not expecteing her to already be looking at me with her devilish smile, and saw what she was planning. I giggled, knowing she had decided to have a tickle attack. While I squirmed around, trying to hold off her limber fingers, she pulled me closer and kissed me. Just a playful peck, but it filled me with butterflies and I blushed. She laughed as she stroked my hot cheeks and truned back to the movie. I could feel her kind gaze several times throughout the movies, making her think I wasn't paying attention and I was fairly sure she was doing the same whe I looked at her.

      When the movie finished, she scooted off the sofa and went to the fridge. When she sauntered back to me she carried a bag of grapes, a box of crackers, some sliced cheese, and some hershey's kisses. I looked at her with raised eyebrows. She winked, set everything down and pulled out a grape.

    “Say ahhh” she said, grinning when I opened my mouth. The grape was sweet and cold.

     “Whats next,” I asked her, “movies, you, and now this? Boy I am being spoiled today.”

      “Of coarse. I want to make you feel all better. I hate it when you get sick... although I don't mind the extra time with you,” she winked. As she popped in “The Phantom of the Opera” I scooted into her spot on the couch. She turned and laughed, warning that she would sit on me. I stuck my tongue out at her and she shook her head, sitting on my lap. I wrapped my arms around her as she leaned against me; I could feel any tension she had melt away from her. We sat like this for over half the movie, eating grapes here and crakcers with cheese there.

      Finally I couldn't restrain myself. Slowley I left a trail of small, light butterfly kisses from her shoulder, up her neck, to her ear. She shovered, not from cold, and turned to look at me. The look in her eyes told me that she had the same trail of thoguht I did, which was why I was so surprised when she booped me on the nose.

        “Shame on you” she said playfully, “you're missing the best part.” I rolled my eyes and watched as Roul and Erik, the pahantom, fought in the graveyard. I slowly began to close my eyes, her warmth and the sound of music lulling me to sleep. With my eyelids barely cracked I felt her move. Then a soft pressure as her lip touched mine. I smiled as I fell into a comfortable, blissful darkness. When I awoke I was in my bed. I felt groggy and confused, looking at the clock it read 7:30 a.m.

     I was covered in a thin layer of sweat, i could taste sleep on my tongue, and my cat was wrapped around my head. His yellow eyes looked into mine as I realized, it had been a dream. I groaned and tried to go ack to sleep, wanting to feel her touch again. Then the alarm went off at eight, telling me to get up and get ready for class. I wiped the crust out of my eyes, pulling on sweat pants and a hoodie, and got my things for class. The only thing that made going to class when I had a cold bareable was that I knew I would see her there.

       She was the girl who sat next to me in my creative writnig class. Pixielike and playful, she always had a smile on her face. One day she would direct that smile on me, she did in my dreams at least. I decided, when I got over this cold, I would intoduce myself to her. Make that dream of paradise into a reality. I nodded in determination, sniffled, coughed, and set out for class.

i see

ok so i figured out what this feeling i have is... whats been plaguing me all day. its ot quite sad... but the feeling of being cut off and isolated... i'm

three day weekend!

so i have this 3 day weekend and i'm in the mood to mingle with my friends and have a good time, even though i should be doing the ton of work due tuesday... and sadly 2 days are gone. well... 1.5 of it. there maybe still time to have fun today and then there is tomorrow. yet i don't have anyone to spend it with. and why is that? well jake. which is a whole other reason i am mad at him added on to the fact that he broke up wth me.

usually i always hung out with jake. jake as my best friend. then jake as my boyfriend. but i was always with jake. now i don't have him as either, temporarily until i can get over being mad at him, and it has made me realize just how few friends i hang out with outside of school. i have Ashley D. but she lives too far away for mom to drive me there and it might be too late to call her. so Ashley is out. I have Madison but there really isn't anything to do at her place, plus we aren't nearly as close as we used to. plus she prolly would only say yes to hanging out with me because she feels sorry for me. so she is out. Kasey is busy today with her family and church...so she is out.  thats it.

2 girl best friends: one is busy and one is out of reach.
1 friend: not really in the mood to see her.
1 bestfriend: my ex boyfriend who i want to punch in the face.

i'm cut off.... i have no one to hang out with.  i'm isolated. thanks to jake.
he took away my best friend. he took away the one person i knew i could always hang out with. he took himself away from me. i'm cut off. isolated. alone.

to do list

ok so everything is due on tuesday...today is saturday..

things due:
- Mcbeth characters (Seward, Young Seward, Ross)
- Wuthering heights Major Works Data Sheet
- poetry responce


but you know what?...due tuesday? do tuesday.

last night's dream

SO last night i had a dream that jake and i were going on this adventure... we weren't back together, but we were both being forced to go so we had to go together. He seemed fine with this, and i was reluctant. we end up having a pretty good time and while joking around...we end up kissing...and maybe a little more.
i'm the one that stops, and walks away back to the car.

several miles and bags of gummie worms later (i have to stop eating after eating several bags because i start to feel sick), we are talking and again having a good time.  somewhere down the line i end up being a mermaid, and taking pictures of these 3 mermaids and one merman. While i'm taking pictures, the merman is supposed to be posing with one of the  mermaids. It is supposed to look sensual and he understands that, but then he starts kissing the mermaid's neck and running his hands along her sides. (the merman is like, their mentor or best guy friend...or SOMETHING that makes this taboo because i could feel that something was wrong )... and then i woke up.

according to dream dictionary:
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Candy: To see or eat candy in your dream symbolizes the joys and the special treats in life. It also represents indulgence, sensuality and/or forbidden pleasure. You may be devoting too much time to unimportant issues. A more direct interpretation suggests that you are eating too much candy and sweets

Gummy Worms: 

• To see or eat gummy worms in your dream indicates that an unappealing situation or person is being presented in a more palatable way. The dream is also telling you that you are being misguided or deceived and need to make better, informed decisions
• To dream of a gummi bear represents a pleasant situation that is harder to enjoy than you first thought it would be. Negatively, a gummi bear may be a sign that you too enthusiastic about something that is unrealistic. 

mermaid:

• To see a mermaid in your dream signifies the female aspect of yourself that is mysterious and secretive. It may also show a fear of sex. In particular, for a man to dream of a mermaid, it indicates that he is having fears of being drowned by the feminine aspect of his psyche. For a woman, it suggests doubts over her femininity.To dream about a shelled necklace with the word "mermaid" etched on it indicates that you are not letting your vulnerabilities show through. You are putting on a tough facade. Alternatively, the mermaid may symbolize something very personal to you.
• To dream of a mermaid represents temptation or clever deceptions. Your feelings about something attractive or interesting that leads you astray. A deceptive lure. A person or situation that enchants you before turning on you.

photographer: To dream that you are a photographer represents your desire to hold on to a certain image, time or period in your life.
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subconsciously i am trying to hold on to my relationship with jake (my guilty pleasure) which is a bad decision and i need to let go... and its ending has made me doubt myself as a girlfriend....

thats what i got from the dream anyway?

binuaral beats

so i'm scrolling through facebook and decide to shoot Ashley W a message. to my surprise she reponds back! but then doesn't responce for a while and here is why: she was listening to binaural beats. not very many people know what that is, so let me explain it best as i can: beats at different frequencies used for different things.

i am listening to one for chakra balance right now. there are some for moods, positive energy, lucid dreams, astral projection... they can be used for meditation...

and i've been lisetning to this one session for almost 30 minutes.... when i talk my voice sounds so strange combined with the beats.... i feel more at ease, relaxed, and i keep hearing things, not very loud, like people speaking almost. but its always one or two words. or a break in the frequencies...

my muscles feel heavy, it hard to type...
~peace...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAfxkCAyFhw

jake

OK so jake asked me if i needed anything cleared up and i said yes.  then he sends me

"My mom has never said anything bad about you.
she might have said she wanted someone better as in a way of difference
As in skmeone whose goong to like a ambitious teaching jnstitute and someone with different religious views but she loves u and doesnt doesnt think badly of you
sorry go aheah
Whatchu gota to clear up"

now i'm thinking "no... nothing bad... i'm just not good enough for you...
and i want to say
"you said the things the were your moms major issues didn't bother you that much right? and in the beginning of our relationship you promised me that you wouldn't let her opinions interfere, so if her issues didn't bother you that much, then why did they factor in?

and, just so i know what to say when i get asked, you broke up with me because i was your "fall back" right? (did you feel like that before she said something or only after?)so basically you needed me while you were lonley and then you what?"

instead i say:

"nevermind, it won't solve anything. forget i said anything"

he says: please

me: it won't accomplish anything other than hurting myself more, so i'm just not going to go there. forget  said anything.
and i know she loves me lol

and then being the dumbass i am..

"did you feel like i was a fallback before or after you talked to your mom?"

him: after the first time but before the time i talked to her sataday

me: who came up with the "fall back" theory, you or her?
thats all i want to know

him: Her
Hadnt even crossed my mind
Idk maybe she didnt think she did or she was confused as to when or where but she brought it up about a month into the relationship
Thats something inremember

now i sent this, before the second half of his message appeared...

me" thats what i thought. bye.

then i saw the other half of the message.. and said:

wait.
what?
brought it up a month into the realtionship?
then whay did it come up 2 weeks ago??

and then ended with:
 you know what? doesn't even matter,
good night.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so yeah. i am so done with him right now.

great...

when cara has friends over. she gets this bitchy haughty i'm-queen-bee attitude. she thinks she can tell me what to do just cuz  she has a friend over? bitch please.  who does she think she is nagging me?

call momma.
YOU have to feed cats. 
where are you going?
do you have homework? 
you can't go outside.
put the phone up.

she is aboutt o find out that i will only take so much. if she thinks i won't fight with her infront of her friend then she is dead wrong. she is already bad on a normal day, but when she has a friend over? she is worse, and i'm not in the mood to doeal with her shit.

for now i will act as if she doesn't exist. unless she can say something to me without attitude, then maybe i'll acknowledge her.

i just really hate it when she has friends over.
i would always much rather her go off to a friend house.

God's Fury

OK so  you know how they say when you reject god, you get his mighty and righteous fury? Well as someone who has actually done it..

i don't believe that.  God... Yahweh... doesn't get as angry as people think when people turn away from him. I did it...  and yeah... he wasn't happy... and i believe he kinda did get mad... but it wasn't for long. And i don't think it really bothers him now. He still loves me, and is prolly willing to help me if i need it, all i have to do is ask.
He is like any other god... he wants love and attention... only he is a bit greedy.  what people don't realize is that the bible actually says that there are other gods... but he doesn't want people to pray to them because he wants it all for himself.

its kind of like being a celebrity and having a fan club, or fandom. If one of your fans leaves you to join another club, then yeah its a bit disappointing, but it doesn't really bother you for long. :)

now i don't really worry about his fury, he hasn't sent any horrible punishment upon me, he definitely doesn't hate me.






DAGNABIT THIS POST NEEDS TO PUBLISH

feeling better

So i'm feeling much better today. not nearly as much anger, no tears lurking under the surface. still tense and sad... and i'm pretty sure if i had a punching bag i could do some serious damage, but its not overwhelming like yesterday. No freakout building :)

last night i took a nice loooooooong hot bath, which helped.  and then i watched some Castle and Elementary...

and tonight Ashley is staying the night and tomorrow we go on to the fair!! :D

just have to get through today ^_^

...yes i'm still pretty down... but i am a strong girl. i cam not in control enough that i won't let it show :)

yesterday

Hey guys.... so yesterday i had a breakdown in school. I went into the hall at the beginning of third period and cried. Two of the school councilors just happened to be perusing the school at the time and saw me. so i went with the one i was familiar with and cried and talked with her in her office. she then got permission for me to walk around outside, as long as she was with me. This really helped me... feeling the sun against me and breathing in the fresh air really helped me to calm, down...

i also got a bit weepy at lunch, Ashley D. (Ashley W is the cute one i would love to get to know better) took me away to talk to me, but on the way the resource oficer called me over to him. He noticed i as crying. Now the deputy reconfized me as the girl on the tennis team that like cajun xD so he recognized me and wanted to know what was making me cry :3

here what was said (not all direct quotes, it might be a word or two off)
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deputy: *wraps his arm around me as he pulls me over to him* whats wrong?
me: boys are idiots
deputy: which boy? *scans the cafeteria with a glare*
me: *smiles* he goes to another school
Deputy: what school?
me: Farmville

Mr. Joiner (assistant principal) pops his head out after listening to us

Mr. Joiner: i have connections in Farmville, we can beat him up
me: *laughs* thats alright, he'll get beat up on the football feild...he's the captain
Deputy: he'll be a crippled captain
me: *laughs* and shakes my head

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so thats what happened yesterday :P

Poem Essay i wanted to share :)

The World Is Too Much With Us

BY WILLIAM WORDSWORTH

The world is too much with us; late and soon,

Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;—

Little we see in Nature that is ours;

We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!

This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon;

The winds that will be howling at all hours,

And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers;

For this, for everything, we are out of tune;

It moves us not. Great God! I’d rather be

A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;

So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,

Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;

Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;

Or hear old Triton blow his wreathèd horn.

The World is too Much with Us. 

I chose this poem because the title caught my eye. Based on the title I guessed that the Italian sonnet would be about how humans harm the earth and don’t realize what they have until its gone.  This is something I have a very big interest in. I do not like how humans, as a whole, treat the earth and I feel it is our job to make sure she is taken care of properly. This will be explained later in the essay. 

After reading the sonnet I realized that my hypothesis of what the poem was about  was right. Being an Italian sonnet it is broken down into two parts: the octave and sestet. The first eight lines, the octave, describe how humans are ignorant of the earth and her beauty.  In line 3 William Wordsworth says “Little we see in Nature that is ours”; I believe that he is saying that we humans have amazing things that nature is happy to provide, we just can’t see it.  The octave mentions the ocean, the wind, and flowers as examples of beauty that is often ignored by many people, in line eight he makes his point: “For this, for everything, we are out of tune”. 

The sestet then changes the topic in a small way. Instead of continuing on the topic of what people are missing, the speaker says how he feels about nature. He goes on to say that he would “rather be a Pagan” so that he can try appreciate what most people take for granted.  So that he can “have glimpses that would make me less forlorn”.  He also mentions he wishes to see Proteus who is a Greek sea god (not the god of the oceans… but a god of the sea) and he also references Triton who is also a Greek god, known as the messenger of the sea.  

I think that the speaker finds the ocean his source of inspiration and sees it as perfect beauty.  He wishes he were a Pagan so that he could pray and see the gods of the sea, so he can appreciate it better. Now, being a Pagan myself, I can understand this.  Pagans often do have a better appreciation of the earth and her gifts and beauties. I too, love the ocean, and have actually spoken to Poseidon, the Greek god of the oceans, and he in turn helped me (almost got caught in a riptide… he helped me and my sister as well as the little kids that were clinging onto us out of the current). It is also very refreshing to see the word Pagan used in a positive light; this is not something that happens very often, especially in literature. 

The overall theme of the poem is that people don’t know what they are missing when it comes to Mother Nature, and that the speaker does see what is often overlooked, but he wishes he could appreciate it better. 

attention whore

i feel heavy... like i'm weighed down my bricks. my limbs feel like they are liquid lead... uuuuuuuughh when will this end??? i don't want to cry anymore. i'm tired of crying.... i'm not crying right now... but i feel like i have been. even though i havn't cried today. i feel like if i stop doing things for too long i will start crying... which i don't want to. at the same time i do want to cry...and i want to be held while i cry and then maybe i'll feel better.

i want someone to be able to say "i know how you feel. its ok.... its ok..." and just..idk. my mom and aunt have done that...so has my sister, but i just...don't know.

i want it to go away. I.AM.ALRIGHT. i mean seriously, its not that big of a deal...why do i want attention so bad? why is my body so sad?

its not that big of a deal. most people can't even tell hat anything has happened, they don't even suspect that i'm upset.

i want someone to notice...

i mean.. damn...

i don't like to be so gloomy. and i know it won't ;ast long but i HATE feeling like this. i need to get out and flirt and have fun.
i need to find someone to flirt with.
thats it..

body weirdness

ok so since yesterday my body has been acting weird.  i had nightmares last night, thankfully i was woken up by my loving cat <3

and last night i wasn't hungry... i hate one piece of bacon for dinner, thats it. and both all last night and this morning i feel like i have eaten nothing but sugar. i bushed my teeth very well last night and this morning but i still tste it in my mouth and i feel like i have a sugar coating on my tongue. its gross....

i'm not depressed but i can't seem to stay happy. i finally got book 3 in the immortal instruments series though...so thats good. and tomorrow Ashley comes home with me so we can go to the state fair :) 

we are going to watch Phantom of the Opera, maybe, and then some Kaichou-wa Maid Sama, and then Hannibal Rising :) yay~

then this weekend i will prolly get to hang out with Kasey :3

LOL my aunt offered to take me to go trash Jake's car.... i said no of coarse... but i thought i was hilarious xD

i don't need to wonder why i wasn't good enough for jake's mom. i don't need to wonder why jake only dated me because he was lonely, granted he does love me but as his bst friend, and i don't need to blame myself for anything. I just have to accept thing are the way they are and now i can move on and find the right girl for me :)

..

i still want to beat the ever living shirt out of something tough (lol yes shirt... i'm at school again). I just want to break things and go to sleep. Since i was headbanging to some music yesterday my neck is killin me xD i want to just sit in a nice hot bath, soak, listen to music, and read..... then go sit in the sun :3

i was thinking about the beach this moning, how fun it would be to go with kasey and kit, rach and kyl, me and a girl, and then jake. granted, jake will prolly have someone before i do, bu i like to imagine he'll be single :P

mean i know...petty i know... but i really want to just rub it in his face i don't need to date him.

i sound angry don't i? i'm really not. i am angry in general, simply because i'm grieving. something has dies, ou relationship (not our friendship), and i'm grieving for it. 

• shock - yeah... i went int o shock while i was with him... that was why i didn't cry when i was with him
• denial.... i had a brief moment of "did this really just happen?" but i don't really deny things...
• anger...yup.
• bargaining.... nope... not really bargaining. 
• guilt... yeah... but not really ....
• depression... yes i am sad... not depressed... but yeah, sad... 
• acceptance.. i have already accepted it.

mainly sadness and anger. definitely more anger today. yesterday was more sadness.

the thing is? i don't want to be angry. i want someone else to get angry for me. like... i want someone to get pissed and rant and cuss and scream at him so that i don't have to be the one to feel this anger. I want someone else to get angry so they can channel my anger and i will only be left with the sadness. i' rather be sad than angry...at least when it comes to Jake. does that make sense? 

Clarity

 OK so i have been living in a non stop daydream. the world hasn't really been feeling 100% real to me. i think it was because i was dating jake. it was somethign i wanted, but what wasn't right for me and it threw me out of balance. sinc ehe broke up wth me, i feel things a bit more sharply and see a bit more clearly. Plus i finally got the courage up to talk to the cute mystery girl from the UU church...her name is Lelani (Le-lon-ee) and she just graduated from college (so...she is maybe 23-24?) and majored in dance. 

and Ashley, the cute one from online, not ashley my best girl friend, has finally replied to my message :3

i believe the gods are looking out for me and i trust them.
its time for me to let go of the past and the dream of being normal (dating a guy) and live and be normal (dating a girl).

i love jake. he is my guy best friend. that is what he will remain for the rest of my life.
i will not allow things to progress again. i don't think he will ever want to again.

i just need to trust the gods and trust myself.


funny thing? I've had "harden my heart" in my head the whole day.... i think the universe was trying to warn me :P

look out ladies, here i come ;P

Best Friends

well.... my best friend is now just my best friend. Jake broke up with me. why? his mom.

so... jake hasn't really spoken to me for the last 2 weeks. why? he has been thinking. 
His mom told him that she thought we were "fallback"s. We "fall back" to each other whenever we got lonely. excuse me? i waited OVER 2 WEEKS before going out with jake to MAKE SURE it wasn't out of loneliness. so i asked him what he thought... " i think she is right"... "oh".

so he goes on to say how he has been thinking very hard the past 2 weeks and he agrees with his mom. He wanted to be with me every time he got lonely.. ouch.

so he thinks we would be better off being best friends again.... which is better than i imagined the end of the relationship would be. my worst fear was that i'd loose him completely. we are still best friends. which is good.

but, his mom has never approved of me dating him. i'm not gppd enough in her eyes. yet... she told jake AND MY MOM that she was changing her mind after seeing how happy i made jake...then she tells him this shit.

i don't want to be angry. i don't blame him. i don't blame her.
i'm hurt. and when i think about it... i get a little angry. if i think about it too hard.... i start crying.

what is so wrong about me? i'm not ambitious? i'm not money-seeking? not good enough. i make your son happy? still not good enough.

jake is strong and independent....except when it comes to his mom. the fact that she has cancer makes it worse.

so he caved and broke up with me.
i'm not surprised.

kasey and Ashley are pissed at him... i love them my lady best friends 

Woolard made a status...

Woolard made a status on facebook.... i love him!!


As I begin to think about putting all the tennis equipment up for another year I look back on the season and realize I must be the luckiest coach in the world. We didnt win any championships or lofty accolades, but I coached the greatest girls in the world! They worked hard, tried everything I told them and showed great sportsmanship throughout the season. They are a great asset to North Pitt High School and we are lucky to have them. Their parents should be VERY proud of them....you raised some wonderful young ladies. Thanks to our seniors, Alex and Lisa for their years of dedication. You are a great example of leadership. Thanks to all of you for being AWESOME!

show time!!

so singing in the talent show was one of the scariest, most exciting things ever. i am so glad i did it!! :D

kk


so i started off singing, and i messed up at a part i just can't ever seem to get right, but i managed to do it without causesing a mess... then a boy in the crowd started to beatbox along with me singing, and he sounded good, but it destracted me and made me forget what to sing next, so i covered it up by singing the chorus early and then singing the verse with the next two.

all in all. i did great.

i had a blast.
i loved it.
i wanna do it again :3

i'm thinking next time, the school will sometimes have a second talent show, i'll sing again..
but it will be this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-97eW97JYU

OR

if my sister will sing with me, we will sing the song "The Prayer" - latin parts included ^_^
or we'll sing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOk5Q5SlW4k

buuuuuut.... i aparently have the voice for folk songs <3

mom said my voice was "sweet".
:DDDDD

nerves

okidokie..

so in order to finish my Agnes Scott application, which should have been done, A WEEK AGO and needs to be finished and sent in by Nov. 15th i need to sighn up fr the ACT again. i'm doing that...

and tonight is the actual talent show. i'm a bit nervous, really excited, and actually fairly confident.

Mrs. Howard, the theater teacher i ADORE, was bragging about me :3

she told her class "there is a girl in the talent show who is singing an irish song with a drums and stuff" and then she said i was "really good".

made.my.day.

<3

dishes

so, there are two ways i do the dishes. if there are a lot of dishes, then i fill a sink up with dishes, then fuill it with hot soapy water. the i do the dishes.

if there are barley any dishes, then i pile them in the sink, somtimes, and i just grab the dish and wash it. Dish by dish.

well my mom would rather i waste water and fill up the entire sink, for only a few dishes. thats nice mom. thats nice. and yet you complain about the water bill?

So last night i was supposed to do the dishes, and i planned to. After everyone had gotten their showers. By the time everyone was done, it was 9:30, i still had 30 minutes to get the dishes done. usually. nooo... my mom decided to go to bed early without warning anyone. meaning... i didn't get to do the dishes. i get en extra day of dishes.

then this morning she bites my head off about nt getting the dishes done.

well there aren't that may dishes. so when i get home from rehersal i start on the dishes, washing her tea pitcher better than it has ever been washed in its life, after LETTING IT SOAK full of soapy water ALL DAY. mom gets home, sees me washing the dishes (her tea has already been made and put in the fridge) and flipps out. She starts yelling at me for doing the dishes wrong, yelling at me for not letting it soak in hot sudsy water like it [the pitcher] was supposed to be.

mother. it did soak. all.fucking.day.

but would it matter if i said that? of coarse not.

do she says for every time she catches me doing the dishes without filling up the sink and not letting everything soak, i get an extra WEEK of dishes. fuck you too mother.

and just for the record? even if i had filled the sink up with soapy water? the plastics always go in last, meaning, by the time mom would have come home, i would prolly JUST be getting to it. it might have soaked for....idk... 2 minutes? tops?

does she care? no.

will she notice it is the cleanest it has ever been in the last year?
not a chance in hell.


and she says if i don't like i can find a new place...

in less than a year...

freak out

i had a freak out.... super embarrassed. I could tell it was going to happen eventually...thankfully only two (maybe 3... i can't remember if one of them left by that time) people saw it.  so...

i was already stressed right? (read the previous 2 posts)

• then the computer freezes while i'm filling out my application
• I can't think of awards i've won
• classwork that i did YESTERDAY that was due TODAY didn't save, so i had to redo it
• i also have 3 pages of Yearbook things to do...
• I had to RE-fill out a "letter of recommendation"  info sheet for my teacher...
• I invited Mr. Woolard ( <3 ) to write me one as well, idk if he will see it and idk if he will
• My phone died while trying to figure out ^
• i felt too rushed to meditate enough to calm down without hyperventilating

So... i got frustrated and started crying.

Now that i have 3 recommendation invites sent, the form refilled out, my work retyped, and i am eating something (school bagged carrots...ew...but i'm hungry) i have calmed down

irksome

right now i am finding everything irksome. i am in a bad mood. i don't feel anything other than agitation and numbness.
i want to just snap and bite peoples heads off (figuratively...)
i don't want to be here. i don't want to be anywhere. i just want to not be.

and i want to be left alone to my soft and warm bed, with my cat, some anime, and a never ending supply of good books.

i don't want to drive
i don't want a job
i don't want to go to school and learn things i have no interest in
i don't want to have to worry about money
i don't want to have to pay an arm and a leg to learn
i don't want to have to suffer because what i am interested in brings in no money
i wish money would disappear
i wish society would go back to trading/bartering

i wish i just wan't here.


AND IF THIS DOESN'T PUBLISH SOON I WILL FLIP A SWITCH.

unload again

ok
i don't want to be at school right now. i don't want to talk to anyone i don't want to be touched.
i just want to go home, crawl into bed and sleep. or disapear into a good book again.

i have so much to do...

• finish my application to Agnes Scott: ill out education section and get teacher recommendations
• look into the slam poetry competition
• think of an author that has changed my life and do the essay letter to them.
• do the dishes when i get home
• do rehearsals tonight, tomorrow night, and then the actual show on Thursday

plus i havn't had a descent conversation with Jake in days, i feel like we never get to talk really :/

My mom and little sister were both in their female-dog mode today.

my aunt is in a bad mood too.

i still need to get a job.

i still need to get the senior cap filled out on the form; which i will do tonight with Rach and my aunt at 7.

i just want it all to stop.

i just want everything to slow down.... or that car accident to hurry the hell up.

mortal instruments

city of bones....read. thsnkfully i know spoilers so i'm not as frusrtated...but still WHAT THE HECK. I NEED BOOK NUMBER TWO!!!!! :DDDD

cute

the paradox of life :)

senior shit

so.... we got these order things to order senior stuff. the only thing i want to get out of it is my cap and gown. racheal wants several things. My aunt is paying for it upfront and my mom will pay her back for half of it in feb. problem is: we havn't sat down and talked to her about what we want.

apparently she thought were were comming over this past saturday? i had no fucking idea about that. i went and stayed the night at a friends house. if she thought we were comming over then, why didn't she say anything??????

not I get the lecture. and the stuff is due in 3 days..... all of which i have to stay after school for talent show rehersals. today is the only time to have a descussion about the senior shit and yet she is too busy today. so i'm not getting a cap and gown. great.

and just watch, racheal is going to be able to talk her way out of this, while me? when my mom goes off on me about it, i have no idea what the fuck to do, so while i think no some responce other than "what do you want me to say" i get hung up on. i just love this shit.

i need to finish my Agnes Scott aplication, like NOW but i need help from my mom.

and i'm seriopusly about to have a fucking anxiety attack.

I HATE THIS!

reaction to reaction?

So my friend saw this comment in his newsfeed on facebook, and decided to rant about it. here is his rant:

"This popped up on my newsfeed and I needed a rant place (One of the few gay guys without a blog lol so this is a comment made by a friend of mine and I QUOTE.!)

"I'd like to put it out there that I think gay people should chill out with the "I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOVE" speeches. Just have sex with whoever you want and calm yo titties. I mean, c'mon. It's not even love. It's just sex you guys are going nuts about."

I dont want anyone to look for this person or throw shade at them its just, its scary that we have young people who believe this and I guess what makes it worst is that if we have people who still believe it than the war on words isnt over and its tiring it truly is. I know ive only been a fighter for gay justice for my few years of life lol and ill never quit dont get me wrong its just its scary. I have pride and confidence and most importantly im young so I have time but what if people stop caring... I guess in a whole that comment made me think that maybe people like the idea but dont want the reality. I dont know that my rant of the day  I just felt like my peers were the best association of people to talk to so... yep"

here is my reaction:

i am lesbian. i don't want sex right now. but i would like to be able to have a girlfriend without getting nasty looks. thats love i'm after, not sex. (same with jake, i love him, i don't want to sleep with him). Although i do think i would be able to seperate the 2 very easily, love and sex, i just want to point out, people can have sex with whoever they want. There are no laws that are still carried out in America that dictates that. There are laws saying that you can't marry the person you love if they happen to be the same gender as you. sex = no ok, but legal. love = not ok, not legal.

^ = messed up.

daddy

a term unknown to me,
yet i have tried to fill this role.
I have tried family members.
Different teachers.

and then there is you.
You who are unrelated to me by blood.
Our Families are not close.
We've known each other for 4 years.

there were times when i feared
you hated me
Times when i worried
i had disappointed you.

But it was with you i realized
i CAN do things.
it was with you i realized
its OK to make mistakes,
to learn from them.

You, who's praises made me glow with pride;
and when you saw me make a mistake
i flush with embarrassment.
I always strive to impress you.

But alas, it has been 4 years.
my time with you is dwindling.
and i find i want you to know all this,
how i feel.

The thought of loosing you, so precious to me,
moves me to tears.
Every affectionate word you give me feels like goodbye,
yet it stays in my heart.

For something so unknown to me as a father,
you are the closest thing in my heart that i have.
And now i'm loosing you. You who always called yourself
"Big Daddy".

(I'm the one in the khaki jacket facing Woolard, all you see is my back and hood)

thank you for being an amazing Teacher. thank you for being an amazing coach. thank you for being like the dad i never had.

too woolard

So here is how i'm going to tell Woolard how i feel. At graduation i will find him and say:

"Thank you. Thank you for being an amazing teacher. Thank you for being an amazing coach. Thank you for being the dad i never had. i love you"

now before you go all crazy because i'm going to say "i love you" to a teacher, bear in mind that he says this to us all the time.

he said it to me when i hugged him goodbye today.... in which case i smiled, said "i love you too", walked away and started trying not to cry.

game over

So... I'm at the tennis confrence competition and woolard comes over to me... he hugs me, says "thank you for playing tennis for me", and then gives me a kiss on the cheek.

I cried the minutw he walked away.

I can't believe that tennis is done. Tennis was the first time I ever went out on a limb and went out of my comfort zone.  And I am forever glad I did. It has been the best thing about high school.

And woolard.... how can I tell him how I feel?  Tell him how much he means to me.  How I look up to him the way I guess others look up to their dads. How he means so much to me. .. and I feel like I'm loosing him.  I just want to let him know. .. yet idk how to tell him.

And soon its game over. Loo

songs

OK SO THIS SONG IS IN MY HEAD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qocDUU5FFoo

i love it xD


 i also really like this one :3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gl8ylw4INo

LOOOVE IT

and... i'm hungry >.<

songs

OK SO THIS SONG IS IN MY HEAD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qocDUU5FFoo

i love it xD


 i also really like this one :3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gl8ylw4INo

LOOOVE IT

help

OK SO (i tend to start a lot of posts this way....)

Last night i finally got some help with my music issue. I have been looking for the instrumental version of "The maiden and the selkie" because Mrs. Howard thinks it will help me sing better. there is no instrumental version. there are no guitar chords written for it. FML.
but then, THEN, my friend Rebecca says if she can get a hand drum, she can play that for me while i sing. <3
i love her.


annnnnnd.

so last night i went for a lap around my home... and i swear it was like i was looking trough a screen. i felt like nothing was real.... i have lost almost no connection to realty now. so i asked for help.

earth - ground me
fire- fill me passion and courage so i can sing
spirit- fill me with a sense of self and confidence in myself.
air - give me breath to calm myself when i'm stressed, and to sing.


oops... bell rang, gatta scram!
~peace

finish

i need to finish this, but i have to do it at home since i don't have my resume with me at the moment

https://sjobs.brassring.com/TGWebHost/jobdetails.aspx?partnerid=25592&siteid=5171&areq=25856BR&referer=SNAG&lph=no

handymart

I have applied to work at Handy-Mart... i can already hear the Australian turtle in my head....

Good morning :)

Goodmorning everyone :)
granted there isn't anything super special about this morning, but i thought i'd spread some positive energy :)
yay~



well this afternoon after tennis practice the tennis team is having a farewell cookout... i am both looking forward to it (woolard makes some good hamburgers!) and dreading it lol... i hate goodbyes. :P
but i'm going to see if somewhere later in this year we can have the team come together and practice like... once or twice a week? i think that would be fun :)


AND I NEED TO START STRETCHING AGAIN. i was stretching for a while and i could actually almost touch my toes.... i stopped for a few days (a week...) and now i can only reach my shin. :/ grr...


well morning!
~peace



and if this blog post doesn't stop having "an error while trying to save or publish" and asks me to "try again" i'll...i'll....

the next morning

So its the morning after my last tennis match at North Pitt High School. we still have a match next week on Tuesday (maybe) and on Wednesday we have conference.... basically tennis is over. Monday we have a farewell cookout after practice and team pictures get taken.  Tennis is almost over....
tennis is almost over.
my last tennis season is almost over.
thats depressing.
It doesn't make me panic the way i usually do when something ends for the last time. it just makes me sad. very sad.
i just want to hug all my girls, and hug Coach Woolard. just hug him and cry and not let go.
he is the closest thing i have to a father figure and now i have to leave him.
i just want to cry.

and yet idk if i should even let him know how much he means to me.
i want to, but i don't think it would be appropriate.
i just want to cry.
just cry.
cry.

i hate goobyes.

Last Home Match

played 6th seed at the match tonight. the last match at north pitt. my last match at north pitt.

won:
7-5
6-0


what am i going to do? Tennis is almost over. My last year with all my girls.... almost over. Every time i thin about it i want to cry. i just...can't see my future without this team. without woolard. without my girls....without playing tennis here. Its so surreal.... i'm freaking out!! i don't want to loose Woolard. I won't want to loose my girls. My tennis family..

and tonight when i asked "what am i going to do without you guys next year?" to one of the girls who i though really didn't care about me, she almost started crying saying "don't make me think of that. thats your problem not mine... i don't know what i'm going to do without you two (me and another senior) next year..."

i felt touched. and depressed.

oh gods....what am i going to do?

accusations

so i was accused of two things today. 

1: of being sexually confused (according to 2 people)

2: leading Jake on.

Now, both of these things are false.

i am not confused. I  AM A LESBIAN. yes i have a boyfriend. as i stated in a previous blog (http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/08/clear-it-up.html) I AM NOT BISEXUAL I AM A LESBIAN.

now on the second accusation:

I am not leading jake on. leading him on would b making him think i like him when i don't.  I LOVE JAKE. I LOVE HIM. There is no question about that. 

i am not leading him on about sex either. he knows i don't want to have sex anytime soon. to be honest io don't want to have sex anytime soon; not with him or with a girl. i don't want sex. not now at least, from anyone! Its not like i've promised to have sex with him. if i did then yeah i would be leading him on but i'm not!!! 

so yeah... both of these things filled m with anger, legit anger. i was almost in tears i was so angry.

and to top it off? who was it that gave accusation #2? MY TWIN SISTER. yup.

BITCH YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING SO HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT THE HELL UP.

rant = done. for now.

AND NOW I FIND OUT THAT JAKE CAN'T GO TRICK OR TREATING WITH ME ON HALLOWEEN. FUCK EVERYTHING.