body weirdness

ok so since yesterday my body has been acting weird.  i had nightmares last night, thankfully i was woken up by my loving cat <3

and last night i wasn't hungry... i hate one piece of bacon for dinner, thats it. and both all last night and this morning i feel like i have eaten nothing but sugar. i bushed my teeth very well last night and this morning but i still tste it in my mouth and i feel like i have a sugar coating on my tongue. its gross....

i'm not depressed but i can't seem to stay happy. i finally got book 3 in the immortal instruments series though...so thats good. and tomorrow Ashley comes home with me so we can go to the state fair :) 

we are going to watch Phantom of the Opera, maybe, and then some Kaichou-wa Maid Sama, and then Hannibal Rising :) yay~

then this weekend i will prolly get to hang out with Kasey :3

LOL my aunt offered to take me to go trash Jake's car.... i said no of coarse... but i thought i was hilarious xD

i don't need to wonder why i wasn't good enough for jake's mom. i don't need to wonder why jake only dated me because he was lonely, granted he does love me but as his bst friend, and i don't need to blame myself for anything. I just have to accept thing are the way they are and now i can move on and find the right girl for me :)

..

i still want to beat the ever living shirt out of something tough (lol yes shirt... i'm at school again). I just want to break things and go to sleep. Since i was headbanging to some music yesterday my neck is killin me xD i want to just sit in a nice hot bath, soak, listen to music, and read..... then go sit in the sun :3

i was thinking about the beach this moning, how fun it would be to go with kasey and kit, rach and kyl, me and a girl, and then jake. granted, jake will prolly have someone before i do, bu i like to imagine he'll be single :P

mean i know...petty i know... but i really want to just rub it in his face i don't need to date him.

i sound angry don't i? i'm really not. i am angry in general, simply because i'm grieving. something has dies, ou relationship (not our friendship), and i'm grieving for it. 

• shock - yeah... i went int o shock while i was with him... that was why i didn't cry when i was with him
• denial.... i had a brief moment of "did this really just happen?" but i don't really deny things...
• anger...yup.
• bargaining.... nope... not really bargaining. 
• guilt... yeah... but not really ....
• depression... yes i am sad... not depressed... but yeah, sad... 
• acceptance.. i have already accepted it.

mainly sadness and anger. definitely more anger today. yesterday was more sadness.

the thing is? i don't want to be angry. i want someone else to get angry for me. like... i want someone to get pissed and rant and cuss and scream at him so that i don't have to be the one to feel this anger. I want someone else to get angry so they can channel my anger and i will only be left with the sadness. i' rather be sad than angry...at least when it comes to Jake. does that make sense?