Monday, December 29, 2014
It's fine
The car is fine. Some fuel got where it wasn't supposed to. We don't now if there I'd any actual damage do for now it should be fine.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
uh-oh sleepy-o
okay yeah its 2:37 and i need to get up in the morning and bring the crap car to the dealership at 8:00am.
then if they're not open i need to take it to an autozone place. ugh.
meaning i need to get up at 7:30.
thats... 3-7:30...4-ish hours of sleep.
damn.
is it bad i want to talk with her some more? **bree
but she's already gone and i need to get my ass to bed.
now.
then if they're not open i need to take it to an autozone place. ugh.
meaning i need to get up at 7:30.
thats... 3-7:30...4-ish hours of sleep.
damn.
is it bad i want to talk with her some more? **bree
but she's already gone and i need to get my ass to bed.
now.
update on crush
i forgot to say this earlier.
yeah... i kinda got stood up.
today is sunday...
(monday morning in the wee hours but i havn't slept so its still sunday ;) )
friday night the girl i was talking to had agreed to meet. I would pick her up, bring her to my place to play cards with my family. she said this tuesday.
friday roles around and i hadn't heard anything from her. no responces to my messages. my snapchats. anything. so i told her to txt me because i don't have internet at work and i was supposed to get her after work.
nothing.
its so sad... i kept checking my phone and ipod the entire night and next day, hoping to see something from her.
tuesday will makr a week of radio silence.
she better have a good reason, else my feelings will be hurt.
granted, if she does have a good reason, say...her iphone broke and she had no computer to contact me with? it would all just be water under the bridge.
but as of right now i feel like i was stood up.
we had agreed to meet.
and it never happened.
after a week i'll stop hoping to see if she messaged me.
i already stopped but after a full week, done.
**********rereading this, reminds me: i need to get bree's snapchat and/or kik.
yeah... i kinda got stood up.
today is sunday...
(monday morning in the wee hours but i havn't slept so its still sunday ;) )
friday night the girl i was talking to had agreed to meet. I would pick her up, bring her to my place to play cards with my family. she said this tuesday.
friday roles around and i hadn't heard anything from her. no responces to my messages. my snapchats. anything. so i told her to txt me because i don't have internet at work and i was supposed to get her after work.
nothing.
its so sad... i kept checking my phone and ipod the entire night and next day, hoping to see something from her.
tuesday will makr a week of radio silence.
she better have a good reason, else my feelings will be hurt.
granted, if she does have a good reason, say...her iphone broke and she had no computer to contact me with? it would all just be water under the bridge.
but as of right now i feel like i was stood up.
we had agreed to meet.
and it never happened.
after a week i'll stop hoping to see if she messaged me.
i already stopped but after a full week, done.
**********rereading this, reminds me: i need to get bree's snapchat and/or kik.
i had to, i'm sorry
dear bree,
you are a kind person and i hope you see how wonderful you are.
life is full of trials and hard times and it only means that you are strong enough to get through it.
things always get better. they really do.
you havn't hurt me. at all. i'm shocked to think that you have and i only wish i could comfort you.
I really think that you are too hard on yourself and that you deserve to be happy and be happy with whomever you want.
quite frankly i didn't realize you felt anything real toward me. It genuinely surprised me and in a good way. we have talked off an on for quite some time and i know i enjoyed talking with you. I never knew about your nightmares. i'm sorry i didn't know anything.
There is still time in the future if you ever want to try. When you are feeling better or feel like hanging out - call me. if you just want to talk - i'm here. If you miss me? talk to me. i'll always listen.
and i'm so sweet because i literately drink nothing but liquid sugar. ;)
everything we talked about tonight, takes time. But they get better. with dedication and determination and love and hope. as cliche as it sounds, anything is possible.you know... except flying unicorns. sadly.
(.....did that make you smile? no? darn. yes? mission complete)
i really do like talking to you. tell me your hopes. fears. day to day small things that just stick with you. lets talk music and adventure and just be silly.
remember to breathe and love yourself. because there is so much to love about you.
you are compassionate, and pretty, and smart.
but i feel like i need to know you better. know you more.
so lets talk, because.... i'm not going anywhere.
btw? i am happy. i am a happy person. no matter what life throws at me, i will remain a happy peson. so don't worry <3
want to know what you can do to make me happy? smile. laugh. remember to love life and to smell the flowers. see and soak up the sunshine. life is beautiful.
and so are you.
sincerely,
the hufflepuff that worms her way into everybody's heart,
Lisa <3
you are a kind person and i hope you see how wonderful you are.
life is full of trials and hard times and it only means that you are strong enough to get through it.
things always get better. they really do.
you havn't hurt me. at all. i'm shocked to think that you have and i only wish i could comfort you.
I really think that you are too hard on yourself and that you deserve to be happy and be happy with whomever you want.
quite frankly i didn't realize you felt anything real toward me. It genuinely surprised me and in a good way. we have talked off an on for quite some time and i know i enjoyed talking with you. I never knew about your nightmares. i'm sorry i didn't know anything.
There is still time in the future if you ever want to try. When you are feeling better or feel like hanging out - call me. if you just want to talk - i'm here. If you miss me? talk to me. i'll always listen.
and i'm so sweet because i literately drink nothing but liquid sugar. ;)
everything we talked about tonight, takes time. But they get better. with dedication and determination and love and hope. as cliche as it sounds, anything is possible.you know... except flying unicorns. sadly.
(.....did that make you smile? no? darn. yes? mission complete)
i really do like talking to you. tell me your hopes. fears. day to day small things that just stick with you. lets talk music and adventure and just be silly.
remember to breathe and love yourself. because there is so much to love about you.
you are compassionate, and pretty, and smart.
but i feel like i need to know you better. know you more.
so lets talk, because.... i'm not going anywhere.
btw? i am happy. i am a happy person. no matter what life throws at me, i will remain a happy peson. so don't worry <3
want to know what you can do to make me happy? smile. laugh. remember to love life and to smell the flowers. see and soak up the sunshine. life is beautiful.
and so are you.
sincerely,
the hufflepuff that worms her way into everybody's heart,
Lisa <3
lady of love
Venus. Aphrodite. Astarte. Lady of love.
whats going on.
i don't know what to do.
help?
i ask you for something and suddenly different paths open up.
one closes and one opens out of nowhere.
help me know what to do?
whats going on.
i don't know what to do.
help?
i ask you for something and suddenly different paths open up.
one closes and one opens out of nowhere.
help me know what to do?
bree bree bree.
Bree is a girl i have meantioned a few times here.
she has just told me some personal things, and somethings i never would have guessed.
she has feelings for me.
has since we met.
to be honest i never would have thought....
i mean i knew she liked me and thoght i was cute.
in a puppy dog kinda way,
but aparently not.
it just kills me that she doesn't see how good she is.
how pretty she is.
i just wish she had more positive influences.
some better friends.
SOME sort of good energy in her life.
and i kinda wish it was me.
like.... whe ni was depressed and full of self loathing, i surounded myself with people like me. it only made me worse. once i started to hang out with people who didn't pull me down, i began to lighten up. once i found my spiritual path it was impossible to hate myself.
but i wish i could have her for a day.
a full 24 hours.
just us two. alone.
and it would be a day of bliss.
no alcohol. no drugs.
just laughter, cuddles, (being honest: kisses galore.) talking.
maybe go for a walk.
explore some woods.
i want to take her out of the world for a minute and bring her some peace.
i found peace in nature.
i want to take her to where i find peace and see if it helps.
i want to help her be happy.
feel good about herself.
be a good influence on her.
a ray of sunshine.
******
in retrospect i hope i didn't say anything to offend her. but i feel like i can just talk to her and she wouldn't jusge me. hell i've told her things i havn't told another living person. and did she bat an eyelash? nope. she just called me perfect haha
she has just told me some personal things, and somethings i never would have guessed.
she has feelings for me.
has since we met.
to be honest i never would have thought....
i mean i knew she liked me and thoght i was cute.
in a puppy dog kinda way,
but aparently not.
it just kills me that she doesn't see how good she is.
how pretty she is.
i just wish she had more positive influences.
some better friends.
SOME sort of good energy in her life.
and i kinda wish it was me.
like.... whe ni was depressed and full of self loathing, i surounded myself with people like me. it only made me worse. once i started to hang out with people who didn't pull me down, i began to lighten up. once i found my spiritual path it was impossible to hate myself.
but i wish i could have her for a day.
a full 24 hours.
just us two. alone.
and it would be a day of bliss.
no alcohol. no drugs.
just laughter, cuddles, (being honest: kisses galore.) talking.
maybe go for a walk.
explore some woods.
i want to take her out of the world for a minute and bring her some peace.
i found peace in nature.
i want to take her to where i find peace and see if it helps.
i want to help her be happy.
feel good about herself.
be a good influence on her.
a ray of sunshine.
******
in retrospect i hope i didn't say anything to offend her. but i feel like i can just talk to her and she wouldn't jusge me. hell i've told her things i havn't told another living person. and did she bat an eyelash? nope. she just called me perfect haha
Piece of shit.
This car is a piece of shit. It has "service engine soon" lit up AGAIN. We JUST got it fixed 4 days ago.
Friday, December 26, 2014
I'm clingy
So. I'm clingy. I like to hear from the person I like everyday. Doesn't have to be full conversation. Just a "hey".
If I don't hear a word from you for 3 days... I think you are disinterested.
And then I get disappointed.
Like how I am now.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Friday, December 19, 2014
Not as bad.
So things aren't as bad as we think they are.
The car is growing on me. It's not as bad as I thought .
My crush finally messaged me. She's been sick and recovering. Not as bad as what I was thinking.
Moral: things aren't as bad as what we think they are in the beginning.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Apologize
I'm going to apologize to my mother for overreacting. Am I happy? No. Do i like the car? No. Was it right what she did? No.
But it's only for 2 months. As long as I'm hyper vigilant I'll survive.
I'm not even going to try the radio. She can figure that bitch out.
I'll figure out how to put a cd in. Or I'll do my iPod thing.
But it's tense between us and I don't like it. So I'm going to apologize.
Monday, December 15, 2014
she feels guilty
so mom says she is sorry and she feels guilty.
well i would fucking hope so!
she basically said if i didn't get this car then i would not be getting a car today.
never mind the fact i didn't feel SAFE driving it.
oh no all she cared about was that she would be getting the car.
no, she didn't care until she saw me in the office holding back (and failing) tears. but the nit was too late. she was already on the phone with the insurance people.
she said i could still change my mind, but no. it was too late.
she wanted the damn car she would get it.
so she feels guilty?
GOOD.
she pressured me into getting a car i did not want.
so did the fucking salesman.
she better feeling guilty.
and if i get in a fucking accident because of those brakes, i bet she'll definitley feel guilty then.
well i would fucking hope so!
she basically said if i didn't get this car then i would not be getting a car today.
never mind the fact i didn't feel SAFE driving it.
oh no all she cared about was that she would be getting the car.
no, she didn't care until she saw me in the office holding back (and failing) tears. but the nit was too late. she was already on the phone with the insurance people.
she said i could still change my mind, but no. it was too late.
she wanted the damn car she would get it.
so she feels guilty?
GOOD.
she pressured me into getting a car i did not want.
so did the fucking salesman.
she better feeling guilty.
and if i get in a fucking accident because of those brakes, i bet she'll definitley feel guilty then.
the new car.
so i got my new car.
or should i say my mom's new car that i paid for and am borrowing.
its a 2000 dark purple saturn.
i don't like it.
at all.
but the second mom saw that i didn't like it she got all pissy.
she really liked it.
so i agreed to get it because she would buy it from me in febuary.
she owes me 3,152.85 .....
and thats BEFORE i have to RE-BUY tags.
because guess what..... the car is in HER name.
so... this is actually her car, that i paid for.
and to top it off?
i can't figure out the fucking radio. its so fucking confusing, i have to google the damn thing.
same for the CD player... which its one of those stupid 6 CD player ones.
ugh.
i am so fucking frustrated.
and to top it all off: the breaks are the OPPOSITE of what i wanted.
the most important factor. opposite.
i feel like i have to stomp the shit out of it for the car to slow down.
2 months.
2 months and the bitch is gone.
i won't have to drive her anymore.
2 months of anxiety.
do you know how many accidents i avoided because my brakes were so good?
if my niisan had the same breaks as this car does, then i would have bee in an accident AGES ago.
and yet my mom doesn't understand why i'm upset.
calls me "her drama queen".
well fuck you.
i want top beat the ever living shit out of the guy that hit me.
i want my fucking niisan back.
so i drive to and from work,
up to the foodlion near home and back.
no extra driving.
no road trips.
none.
which also means no date with my girl.
for two fucking months,
GOOOOOOSf;ihg ipq;avher[giobjnea'four6yhq]yp
gqkfng;aodfguqh[4o6yiwhn
lwks
fuck it all.
i am so pissed.
i was never interested in this car to begin with either!! mom is the one who pointed it out to the guy. mom is the one who kept asking about it.
i would rather have the mozda i drove sunday. but no.... because the engine smoked after driving for 30 minutes (they explained it was just some residue they left after changing the oil...)
mom doesn't trust it.
well i don't trust this new car.
i don't like her.
i don't like this fucking situation.
i want a car that is MINE.
in MY name,
that I like.
with the RIGHT FUCKING BRAKES.
or should i say my mom's new car that i paid for and am borrowing.
its a 2000 dark purple saturn.
i don't like it.
at all.
but the second mom saw that i didn't like it she got all pissy.
she really liked it.
so i agreed to get it because she would buy it from me in febuary.
she owes me 3,152.85 .....
and thats BEFORE i have to RE-BUY tags.
because guess what..... the car is in HER name.
so... this is actually her car, that i paid for.
and to top it off?
i can't figure out the fucking radio. its so fucking confusing, i have to google the damn thing.
same for the CD player... which its one of those stupid 6 CD player ones.
ugh.
i am so fucking frustrated.
and to top it all off: the breaks are the OPPOSITE of what i wanted.
the most important factor. opposite.
i feel like i have to stomp the shit out of it for the car to slow down.
2 months.
2 months and the bitch is gone.
i won't have to drive her anymore.
2 months of anxiety.
do you know how many accidents i avoided because my brakes were so good?
if my niisan had the same breaks as this car does, then i would have bee in an accident AGES ago.
and yet my mom doesn't understand why i'm upset.
calls me "her drama queen".
well fuck you.
i want top beat the ever living shit out of the guy that hit me.
i want my fucking niisan back.
so i drive to and from work,
up to the foodlion near home and back.
no extra driving.
no road trips.
none.
which also means no date with my girl.
for two fucking months,
GOOOOOOSf;ihg ipq;avher[giobjnea'four6yhq]yp
gqkfng;aodfguqh[4o6yiwhn
lwks
fuck it all.
i am so pissed.
i was never interested in this car to begin with either!! mom is the one who pointed it out to the guy. mom is the one who kept asking about it.
i would rather have the mozda i drove sunday. but no.... because the engine smoked after driving for 30 minutes (they explained it was just some residue they left after changing the oil...)
mom doesn't trust it.
well i don't trust this new car.
i don't like her.
i don't like this fucking situation.
i want a car that is MINE.
in MY name,
that I like.
with the RIGHT FUCKING BRAKES.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Tomorrow... Today?
So tomorrow or rather later today I will be getting a new car. With that new car I intend to buy season one of Hannibal... And hopefully I can have a Hannibal marathon with a special girl........
Is so hard to blog about her but I don't want to jinx it.
Uuughhhh.
Can I Please just take her out it go well, then I won't have to worry...
Haha.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Dorkable
Sooooo I want to take this girl who I like out on a date... Movie, Barnes and Nobel, dinner..... But I also have a dorky date in mind... Netflix/internet watching something snuggled on the couch together....
But the second date idea could be date #2 if the first goes well I guess. Idk.. Let's just see what happens shall we?
First I need to get a car......
Oh and guess what.....
Friday, December 12, 2014
and you won...A BRAND NEW CAR...
and you won...A BRAND NEW CAR...
okay yeah no.
but i did find a little dealership i will be getting my car from.
but i will begetting it monday.... there was one car, a black saturn 2006, there that looked good but he will be getting like....15 more cars in on monday so i'm waiting go to look then,
a car....so close i can taste it....
okay yeah no.
but i did find a little dealership i will be getting my car from.
but i will begetting it monday.... there was one car, a black saturn 2006, there that looked good but he will be getting like....15 more cars in on monday so i'm waiting go to look then,
a car....so close i can taste it....
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
okay forreal.
so i'm not going into details because i don't want to jinx it. but over this week i've been talking to this amazing girl.
i wrote "butterflies" for her.
she already said she'd go out on a date with me (just have to ..you know... get a friggin car)
she liked the poem. as cheesey as it was :3
maybe she'll like the pic i drew?
idk... wee'll see when i take her out!!
which will hopefully be soon.
i wrote "butterflies" for her.
she already said she'd go out on a date with me (just have to ..you know... get a friggin car)
she liked the poem. as cheesey as it was :3
maybe she'll like the pic i drew?
idk... wee'll see when i take her out!!
which will hopefully be soon.
Monday, December 8, 2014
estimated grades
okay so i did a realistic estimate of my grades in my classes as they are:
Intro into Cultural Anthropology : 84 = B
Societies from around the world: 95 = A
Geology Lecture : 90 = A-
Intro to Sociology : 451 = B-
Intro into Cultural Anthropology : 84 = B
Societies from around the world: 95 = A
Geology Lecture : 90 = A-
Intro to Sociology : 451 = B-
Sunday, December 7, 2014
chiara's going away party
okay so one of our assistant managers is leaving foodlion so they through her a suprise going away party.
lots of drinking. music. and beer pong. and weed.
not my scene. not hers either as i found out.
so we get there at like.... 9:15 ish..... at about 12 i start getting tired, since you know... i worked for 8 hours before hand.
so i curl up on the couch....
and then it happened.
so many people kept asking me if i was okay...
some even guarded me while i slept off and on...
people i didn't even know.
it was touching.
Carrie, one of my superiors, offered to take me to her house for me to sleep and when her boyfriend came home he would take me home. she even tried to entice me by saying i could play with her 4 cats. haha
and then the person who's house it was, Raean, actully tucked me into her bed so i could sleep.
and on the way a guy i work with all the time, Jason, said that he was a regular in my line when i was casheiring, and that he was kinda excited when he got the job because he would get to work with me.
guys.
i work with some amazing people....
someof them thought i was seriously drunk (i didn't have any alcohol haha)and were making sure i was okay, others didn't care and just made sure i was able to sleep.
amazing people....
i love them :3
lots of drinking. music. and beer pong. and weed.
not my scene. not hers either as i found out.
so we get there at like.... 9:15 ish..... at about 12 i start getting tired, since you know... i worked for 8 hours before hand.
so i curl up on the couch....
and then it happened.
so many people kept asking me if i was okay...
some even guarded me while i slept off and on...
people i didn't even know.
it was touching.
Carrie, one of my superiors, offered to take me to her house for me to sleep and when her boyfriend came home he would take me home. she even tried to entice me by saying i could play with her 4 cats. haha
and then the person who's house it was, Raean, actully tucked me into her bed so i could sleep.
and on the way a guy i work with all the time, Jason, said that he was a regular in my line when i was casheiring, and that he was kinda excited when he got the job because he would get to work with me.
guys.
i work with some amazing people....
someof them thought i was seriously drunk (i didn't have any alcohol haha)and were making sure i was okay, others didn't care and just made sure i was able to sleep.
amazing people....
i love them :3
Friday, December 5, 2014
yayyyyyyy 19
yayyyyy i'm 19.
i got maleficent as a gift from mom (i kinda guessed it lol)
and i'm going to go see the new hunger games movie today with some friends to celebrate my birthday.
i got maleficent as a gift from mom (i kinda guessed it lol)
and i'm going to go see the new hunger games movie today with some friends to celebrate my birthday.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
butterflies
i've got the butterflies in my stomach,
the grin on my face,
i'm rushing to the computer,
and refreshing at an alarming pace,
how i love to see
that "new message" sign,
when i talk to you
it all seems so fine.
only known you for a few days,
but i'm grinning,
cheeks ablaze
can't get songs out of my head
i know better to let them,
but my hopes rise instead.
i'm starting to like you,
and it seems you like me too...
and to think after all these butterflies,
i haven't even met you.
the grin on my face,
i'm rushing to the computer,
and refreshing at an alarming pace,
how i love to see
that "new message" sign,
when i talk to you
it all seems so fine.
only known you for a few days,
but i'm grinning,
cheeks ablaze
can't get songs out of my head
i know better to let them,
but my hopes rise instead.
i'm starting to like you,
and it seems you like me too...
and to think after all these butterflies,
i haven't even met you.
Friday, November 28, 2014
ill mood.
huh.
so while shopping i got hit with a pang of lonliness.
then i got reminded that my birthday is in a week.
i'm going to be alone. on my birthday. with nothing to do.
and now i'm just in a foul mood. not even criminal minds really interests me right now.
ugh.
you know.
i havn't had an actual relationship since jake. which was over a year ago. (october 20th - i had to go look it up to be sure)
yes i dated Mary... but it was never more than friendship for me. i tried to feel more but i didn't.
its been over a year since i was in an actual relationship.
fuck.
you know they said it would get easier in college.
finding a girlfriend would be easier.
everyone needs to shut their fucking mouths because that is a damn fucking lie.
i'm on dating sites. nothing. just assholes of both genders looking for sex.
i was already lonley and then the realization that i am going to spend my birthday alone pushed me over the fucking edge, i just want to punch somethign and cry.
and this has nothing to do with jake. itys just that i am so lonely and fed up with being alone.
and i'm going to spend this birthday alone. i'm going to spend yule, and christmas, and new years all single and i'm scared that i am going to start getting bitter because this is hurting my heart.
i don't like this feeling.
i'm tired of being lonely.
so while shopping i got hit with a pang of lonliness.
then i got reminded that my birthday is in a week.
i'm going to be alone. on my birthday. with nothing to do.
and now i'm just in a foul mood. not even criminal minds really interests me right now.
ugh.
you know.
i havn't had an actual relationship since jake. which was over a year ago. (october 20th - i had to go look it up to be sure)
yes i dated Mary... but it was never more than friendship for me. i tried to feel more but i didn't.
its been over a year since i was in an actual relationship.
fuck.
you know they said it would get easier in college.
finding a girlfriend would be easier.
everyone needs to shut their fucking mouths because that is a damn fucking lie.
i'm on dating sites. nothing. just assholes of both genders looking for sex.
i was already lonley and then the realization that i am going to spend my birthday alone pushed me over the fucking edge, i just want to punch somethign and cry.
and this has nothing to do with jake. itys just that i am so lonely and fed up with being alone.
and i'm going to spend this birthday alone. i'm going to spend yule, and christmas, and new years all single and i'm scared that i am going to start getting bitter because this is hurting my heart.
i don't like this feeling.
i'm tired of being lonely.
birthday
so.... my birthday is coming up.
fast.
friday - 28 - today
sun-30
mon-1
tues-2
wed-3
thurs-4
fri-5 - birthday
and i have no plans.
at all.
like.
none.
and you know what?
all i want for my birthday?
is a date.
fast.
friday - 28 - today
sun-30
mon-1
tues-2
wed-3
thurs-4
fri-5 - birthday
and i have no plans.
at all.
like.
none.
and you know what?
all i want for my birthday?
is a date.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
totaled.
they totaled my car.
my car. that was in mint condition.
my car. that i only had for a little over a month.
and they are only giving me 3,700.
i'm losing my car.
FUCK'N A.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
i am so frustrated.
i loved this car.
and because some idiot wasn't paying attention.
i'm losig my car.
FUCK..
my car. that was in mint condition.
my car. that i only had for a little over a month.
and they are only giving me 3,700.
i'm losing my car.
FUCK'N A.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
i am so frustrated.
i loved this car.
and because some idiot wasn't paying attention.
i'm losig my car.
FUCK..
omnia new video
can you imagine how fun it would be to hang out with them for a day? they all look so happy...this video makes me happy lololol
have to love them!!
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
DnD quizes
okay so according to some quizes if i,as my self, were a character i would have:
14 Intelligence, 13 Wisdom, and 9 Charisma
7 Strength, 10 Constitution, and 7 Dexterity
lol
also: i should be a shaman....
14 Intelligence, 13 Wisdom, and 9 Charisma
7 Strength, 10 Constitution, and 7 Dexterity
lol
also: i should be a shaman....
Monday, November 24, 2014
not feelin' so hot
hey guys..i'm not feelin' so hot...
yesterday i actually had to leave work early because i felt nauseous, dizzy, and like i was going to explode out both ends.
today i;m just dizzy.... but thats how it started yesterday...
i only came to school today because
A. we are starting the religion chapter in cultural anthropology
B. Daily quizzes in Sociology
everything else? i'm sleeping.
yesterday i actually had to leave work early because i felt nauseous, dizzy, and like i was going to explode out both ends.
today i;m just dizzy.... but thats how it started yesterday...
i only came to school today because
A. we are starting the religion chapter in cultural anthropology
B. Daily quizzes in Sociology
everything else? i'm sleeping.
Friday, November 21, 2014
darn.
Cute girl from anthropology has a boyfriend :/
i found her on facebook, :)
she's trying to raise money for Picaso - a greenville group trying to help fight aids.
thats awesome :)
she has a bf.
good for her.
good for him.
darn for me.
i found her on facebook, :)
she's trying to raise money for Picaso - a greenville group trying to help fight aids.
thats awesome :)
she has a bf.
good for her.
good for him.
darn for me.
effort
okay so this morning i actually put some effort into my appearance.
- i put on eyeliner (i was half asleep - but i did it. came out not horrible)
- i parted my hair to the side, which looks better than my center part i've been having.
- i wore some pants that would go with the light khaki colored boots i have and that make my butt look good.
and you know what?
idk if she even noticed.
she looked fabulous. as always.
anyway...so she might have looked at me.
i could have sworn she looked at me, but i only saw it from my perifrial vision.
and not like a glance at me, like she was actually looking at me.
but maybe not..
GRR
and you know what? i saw her in the bathroom about an hour later and was about to ask her to eat lunch with kayla and me, but because we were in the bathroom, i didn't. i was hoping she would be in the hall, afterward, but she was already gone...
darn.
so next time i get a movie group together, it won't be a scary movie, i'll invite her.
**this is the cute girl from societies from around the world that i'm talking about.
The Azande: Witchcraft and Oracles in Africa
1. How would you describe the Azande settlements and subsistence strategies?
The homes are supposed to be well kept. They are mud and thatched grass on wooden framework and their upkeep is a daily job. Courtyards are also cared for and valued. The way the house and courtyard looks, its state of organization and visual appeal, reflects back on the family living there. If it is not well kept, then the family is seen as sloppy or not of good character.
Their subsistence strategy is shifting cultivation. Their main crops would be maize,millet, gourds and pumpkins, manioc and bananas, groundnuts, and beans. Relying so heavily on crops is because they cannot herd cattle due to the tse-tse fly. Although they have so many crops, the Azande do eat meat gathered from hunting - though they do not hunt in dry seasons, they fish.
2. What type of political organization do the Azande follow and why?
The political organization of the Azande were kind of like clans, only not quite as specific. Only the royal clan really kept their bloodlines tracked, so for anyone else it was almost impossible to track down everyone from their family. Instead they organized into groups as political units, if some people happened to be related in the same group then it was by chance.
Before the Europeans came, the Azande were part of chiefdoms. Each chiefdom was independent from another and all were under a chief from the Avongara lineage. Even though all the chiefs were related, there was a lot of hostility and war going on between the chiefdoms. Each chief would have second in commands called emissaries, who would usually be their sons but were always from the same lineage, to look over and control territories within the chiefdom.
3. Who is the character "Ture" and what role does he perform among the Azande?
Ture is a character featured the most often in trickster tales told in the Azande culture. He is used as an example for children and his tales are tools to teach them right and wrong. Each tale features an adventure that he goes on to get something, but he usually gets distracted or acts rash and gets into trouble, in which he must find a way out. He often uses trickery or magic to get what he wants but because he is using a negative way or a way that doesn't belong to him (such as magic that is used or belongs to someone else) his plan usually ends in failure. Ture is a teaching tool and supplements "didctic social training". Although they are directed to children the Ture tales are "more than merely moral examples", they have themes that every person can relate to.
The tales also serve another purpose: to teach that in certain situations, rules cannot be applied - some rules can be broke in the right situation. The tales emphasize the middle ground and teach flexibility, as well as knwoing what the moral thing to do is. Each trickster tale, not just Ture's tales, gives an inside look into that culture and it's society.
4. In your opinion, what can we learn from the Azande culture?
I must admit what i think can be learned from the Azande is biased. I think that the Azande's forgiving look about witchcraft is interesting. But i like how they do not live in fear of it, and if someone is suspected of being a witch they can show good faith that they mean no harm, and then the matter is dropped and forgotten. In America, small communities in the south especially, witches are not so lucky. Once it has gotten out that someone is a practitioner of witchcraft that person is never looked at the same way. Many people instantly assume evil and "devil worship" and often times that witch is ostracized or met with hostility. In the Azande a witch is not always seen as evil, their mangu may be doing harm without them even knowing. Once they show they have no ill will, everything goes back to normal. I think that is something that American culture can learn - giving the accused a chance to explain they have no ill will and no one has any reason to fear, and then the matter should be over/the person continue to be treated the same way as before.
The homes are supposed to be well kept. They are mud and thatched grass on wooden framework and their upkeep is a daily job. Courtyards are also cared for and valued. The way the house and courtyard looks, its state of organization and visual appeal, reflects back on the family living there. If it is not well kept, then the family is seen as sloppy or not of good character.
Their subsistence strategy is shifting cultivation. Their main crops would be maize,millet, gourds and pumpkins, manioc and bananas, groundnuts, and beans. Relying so heavily on crops is because they cannot herd cattle due to the tse-tse fly. Although they have so many crops, the Azande do eat meat gathered from hunting - though they do not hunt in dry seasons, they fish.
2. What type of political organization do the Azande follow and why?
The political organization of the Azande were kind of like clans, only not quite as specific. Only the royal clan really kept their bloodlines tracked, so for anyone else it was almost impossible to track down everyone from their family. Instead they organized into groups as political units, if some people happened to be related in the same group then it was by chance.
Before the Europeans came, the Azande were part of chiefdoms. Each chiefdom was independent from another and all were under a chief from the Avongara lineage. Even though all the chiefs were related, there was a lot of hostility and war going on between the chiefdoms. Each chief would have second in commands called emissaries, who would usually be their sons but were always from the same lineage, to look over and control territories within the chiefdom.
3. Who is the character "Ture" and what role does he perform among the Azande?
Ture is a character featured the most often in trickster tales told in the Azande culture. He is used as an example for children and his tales are tools to teach them right and wrong. Each tale features an adventure that he goes on to get something, but he usually gets distracted or acts rash and gets into trouble, in which he must find a way out. He often uses trickery or magic to get what he wants but because he is using a negative way or a way that doesn't belong to him (such as magic that is used or belongs to someone else) his plan usually ends in failure. Ture is a teaching tool and supplements "didctic social training". Although they are directed to children the Ture tales are "more than merely moral examples", they have themes that every person can relate to.
The tales also serve another purpose: to teach that in certain situations, rules cannot be applied - some rules can be broke in the right situation. The tales emphasize the middle ground and teach flexibility, as well as knwoing what the moral thing to do is. Each trickster tale, not just Ture's tales, gives an inside look into that culture and it's society.
4. In your opinion, what can we learn from the Azande culture?
I must admit what i think can be learned from the Azande is biased. I think that the Azande's forgiving look about witchcraft is interesting. But i like how they do not live in fear of it, and if someone is suspected of being a witch they can show good faith that they mean no harm, and then the matter is dropped and forgotten. In America, small communities in the south especially, witches are not so lucky. Once it has gotten out that someone is a practitioner of witchcraft that person is never looked at the same way. Many people instantly assume evil and "devil worship" and often times that witch is ostracized or met with hostility. In the Azande a witch is not always seen as evil, their mangu may be doing harm without them even knowing. Once they show they have no ill will, everything goes back to normal. I think that is something that American culture can learn - giving the accused a chance to explain they have no ill will and no one has any reason to fear, and then the matter should be over/the person continue to be treated the same way as before.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
My native side
first off: watch this,
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10152456634446701&set=vb.7245371700&type=2&theater
all 20 minutes of it.
that native video really touched me...
i feel guilty... because i'm not in touch with my native side anymore. i feel like i've been neglecting it. neglecting part of my heritage. i feel so bad.... i've just been focusing on my irish/celtic side. i'll say "yeah i'm irish and native!" fast, but i stopped paying attention to that cultural side of me. this video made me realize that and is one of the reasons it made me cry.
i just feel so guilty.
i am native american. (A Canadian Tribe - but still native american because its in the "americas" as in north america)
I am a pagan, who draws on a more Celtic European side.
I still care for the earth.
I love her.
I hate how we humans are treating her.
I feel for those people in the video...
but i feel like i have no right to be moved so much. Because of how much i have neglected that part of my heritage and because i was not raised on a reservation, hell i can't even legally claim that side of my heritage because i don't have the paperwork.
I am only native american in words it seems. what right do i possibly have to call them my people? I was not raised with natives, maybe when i was very little, but thats it. I don't know much of their culture. I don't own any native clothes or music, other than a cheap wooden flute.
but it is part of my heritage. It is a part of me.
that i have basically forgotten and ignored.
what right do i have to be so moved my those people?
what right do i have to even call myself native american?
I just want someone to forgive me for my neglect...
to fix this feeling of guilt and shame....
to tell me that its ok.
but.
they have their music fighting for their people and the earth.
do i not have the same?
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10152456634446701&set=vb.7245371700&type=2&theater
all 20 minutes of it.
that native video really touched me...
i feel guilty... because i'm not in touch with my native side anymore. i feel like i've been neglecting it. neglecting part of my heritage. i feel so bad.... i've just been focusing on my irish/celtic side. i'll say "yeah i'm irish and native!" fast, but i stopped paying attention to that cultural side of me. this video made me realize that and is one of the reasons it made me cry.
i just feel so guilty.
i am native american. (A Canadian Tribe - but still native american because its in the "americas" as in north america)
I am a pagan, who draws on a more Celtic European side.
I still care for the earth.
I love her.
I hate how we humans are treating her.
I feel for those people in the video...
but i feel like i have no right to be moved so much. Because of how much i have neglected that part of my heritage and because i was not raised on a reservation, hell i can't even legally claim that side of my heritage because i don't have the paperwork.
I am only native american in words it seems. what right do i possibly have to call them my people? I was not raised with natives, maybe when i was very little, but thats it. I don't know much of their culture. I don't own any native clothes or music, other than a cheap wooden flute.
but it is part of my heritage. It is a part of me.
that i have basically forgotten and ignored.
what right do i have to be so moved my those people?
what right do i have to even call myself native american?
I just want someone to forgive me for my neglect...
to fix this feeling of guilt and shame....
to tell me that its ok.
but.
they have their music fighting for their people and the earth.
do i not have the same?
i am working tward the same cause...fight for the earth and all its creatures.
i just... feel guilty i have only been nurturing half of myself.
Monday, November 17, 2014
pleasant
so i'm sitting outside since my class got out early, instead of going to the gay space as i usually do.
its cold and windy, but not unpleasant.
i'm listening to music that i heard over at faeriecon, and then some that i found by the bands that i like.
it creates a nice and relaxing atmosphere.
chilly.
but pleasant.
2 woodland songs i KNOW they played at the ball were "i remember" and "shadow".... i remember them clearly <3 and they are so beautiful.
i know they played "feast" because it helped me to come up with the setting for a short story.
i've given up on my NaNo... but at least i have a foundation for next year.
to be honest i'm in the erfect mood to write <3
but not sex, blood, and murder.
thats out of my system...
watching "i spit on your grave" has kind of.... pressed pause on the writings in my mind.
idk..
i'm in just such a pleasant mood.
the music is so beautiful.
although its not as bright as summer, the fall isn't un-pretty.
i don't want to watch anything... it would change the mood.
don't want to read.
nothing to write.
but it would look odd to just sit here.
the eind is picking up and the sky is darkening.... i might have to go inside now.
have a good day to all who read this <3
its cold and windy, but not unpleasant.
i'm listening to music that i heard over at faeriecon, and then some that i found by the bands that i like.
it creates a nice and relaxing atmosphere.
chilly.
but pleasant.
2 woodland songs i KNOW they played at the ball were "i remember" and "shadow".... i remember them clearly <3 and they are so beautiful.
i know they played "feast" because it helped me to come up with the setting for a short story.
i've given up on my NaNo... but at least i have a foundation for next year.
to be honest i'm in the erfect mood to write <3
but not sex, blood, and murder.
thats out of my system...
watching "i spit on your grave" has kind of.... pressed pause on the writings in my mind.
idk..
i'm in just such a pleasant mood.
the music is so beautiful.
although its not as bright as summer, the fall isn't un-pretty.
i don't want to watch anything... it would change the mood.
don't want to read.
nothing to write.
but it would look odd to just sit here.
the eind is picking up and the sky is darkening.... i might have to go inside now.
have a good day to all who read this <3
Free Bird Fly - Omnia (Lyrics and video)
You're in pain – That's why I wrote this song for you
You're insane – That's why I wrote this song for you
You're in pain – Don't you know this song is about you
You're insane – But you know this song is about you
Don't you, don't you, don't you know this song is about you
Don't you, don't you, don't you know this song is about you
Free bird fly
Although you think your wings are broken
Free bird fly
'Cause living is more than simply hoping
Free bird fly
There's no excuse you've got to try now
Free bird fly
I know you can do it
So let me see you smile now
let me see you smile now
let me see you smile now
let me see you smile now!
Though they beat you down, you get up
Though they beat you down, you get up again
Though they beat you down, you get up
Though they beat you down, you get up again
Though they beat you down, you get up
Though they beat you down, you get up again
Though they beat you down, you get up
Though they beat you down, you get up again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
Free bird fly
Take your broken wings and learn to fly
Take this broken world and make it right
free bird fly....
You're in pain – That's why I wrote this song for you
You're insane – That's why I wrote this song for you
You're in pain – Don't you know this song is about you
You're insane – But you know this song is about you
Don't you, don't you, don't you know this song is about you
Don't you, don't you, don't you know this song is about you
Don't you, don't you, don't you know this song is about you
Don't you, don't you, don't you know this song is about you
Though they beat you down, you get up
Though they beat you down, you get up again
Though they beat you down, you get up
Though they beat you down, you get up again
Though they beat you down, you get up
Though they beat you down, you get up again
Though they beat you down, you get up
Though they beat you down, you get up again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
and again
free bird fly
Take your broken wings and learn to fly
Take this broken world and make it right
Take these broken wings and fly
take this broken world and make it right
take these broken wings and fly
Take this darkest night and make it bright
Free bird fly
free bird fly
free bird fly
free bird fly
faerieCon pics
as promised....
i took like...100 photos......
so i only uploaded a few...
.JPG)
.JPG)
i took like...100 photos......
so i only uploaded a few...
its joey :D ^
Bad Faerie Day....
Drow.....AWESOME
OMNIA
OMG
OMNIA
JENNY <3 <3
Steve Sic <3
aftermath.
Wanna see my haul?
And that dear friends...was
Friday, November 14, 2014
first time.
okay so the world is full of firsts....first kiss. first love.... tonight i had a first.
my first car accident.
i was driving to work and the car in front of my stopped to turn...only...THEY DIDN'T USE THEIR FUCKING TURN SIGNAL so i just bareley stopped in time NOT to hit them....
soi let out this audible sigh of relief and then guess what?
BIG FUCKING BOOM.
a guy read ended me.
at first i didn't know what happened....
my head got flung forward and then slamed back.
i was kinda dazed and i though i had blown a tire until i realized thats not how the car would have reacted.... someone just hit me.
someone just hit me.
not proud of it....i burst into tears.
after 30 seconds of crying i got ained control of my body and got out the car.
no one was hurt...
mu head hurt but not bad at all. i barley noticed it.
i called my mom, she told me to call 911 who then transfered me to the highway patrol.
thirty minutes later my mom was there.... about fifteen minutes later the cop showed up.
the guy told it exactly as it had happened because i was a bit too shaken up to get my words right.
but because i didn't have a certain kind of insurance....collision?.... my insurance won't fight his to make sure damage is covered.
so me and my mom will have to make sure shit gets sorted out.
its been almost 3 hours since the initial accident.
i've iced my neck and taken some meicine to help with pain...
my neck hurts. my head hurts. i'm not happy...
but i am hppy no one was hurt.
yay.
yay,,,
firsts.
always fun.
my first car accident.
i was driving to work and the car in front of my stopped to turn...only...THEY DIDN'T USE THEIR FUCKING TURN SIGNAL so i just bareley stopped in time NOT to hit them....
soi let out this audible sigh of relief and then guess what?
BIG FUCKING BOOM.
a guy read ended me.
at first i didn't know what happened....
my head got flung forward and then slamed back.
i was kinda dazed and i though i had blown a tire until i realized thats not how the car would have reacted.... someone just hit me.
someone just hit me.
not proud of it....i burst into tears.
after 30 seconds of crying i got ained control of my body and got out the car.
no one was hurt...
mu head hurt but not bad at all. i barley noticed it.
i called my mom, she told me to call 911 who then transfered me to the highway patrol.
thirty minutes later my mom was there.... about fifteen minutes later the cop showed up.
the guy told it exactly as it had happened because i was a bit too shaken up to get my words right.
but because i didn't have a certain kind of insurance....collision?.... my insurance won't fight his to make sure damage is covered.
so me and my mom will have to make sure shit gets sorted out.
its been almost 3 hours since the initial accident.
i've iced my neck and taken some meicine to help with pain...
my neck hurts. my head hurts. i'm not happy...
but i am hppy no one was hurt.
yay.
yay,,,
firsts.
always fun.
insurance
i'm going to lose my health insurance.
once they find out i'm working.... they'll drop me.
my friend Juana has the sad insurance...er..had...and once they found out she was 18, in school, and working, they dropped her.
holy shit.
what do i do?
once they find out i'm working.... they'll drop me.
my friend Juana has the sad insurance...er..had...and once they found out she was 18, in school, and working, they dropped her.
holy shit.
what do i do?
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
matrilineal essay thouhts
- what i find most iteresting is how women are seen as leaders of the home and social backbone, yet they are in an islamic culture. Islam tend to favor men and yet in this articular culture women are important. That is a very big conradtiction that they somehow are able to live with in harmony and without conflict.
- adat is their set of rules and belifs that give them guidelines for their daily lif and how to interact with the supernatural. It can be analogous to the ten commandments of the Christian faith. It is what gives their culture its structure and is what keeps it going. It allows them to combine the natural and supernatural.
- I think we could learn acceptance and compatibility from them. They re able to combine 2 different cultures, one that is patriarchal and one that is matriarchal, opposites, and yet it works out peacfully. In America we have the first ammendmant which allows freedom of religion, but especially in the south, there is a lot of tension between religions. Christianity is the primary religion of the south and when someone is not of that faith, there tends to be conflict. I think we should learn from their peacful cooperation between religions.
NaNo Math
okay so by the end of today i need at least 20000 words written.
i can write 1924 words an hour if i hae good momentum.
i'd say i'd prolly write about 1200 words an hour on average if i have no distractions and interruptions.
i have 13037 words written now.
i need 20000.
so 20000-13017....20-13 = 7.
7000 words need to be written by the end og the day.
thats is about 5.8....6 hours of writing.
today.
what,
no.
not happening.
ugh.
i am so behind....
i can write 1924 words an hour if i hae good momentum.
i'd say i'd prolly write about 1200 words an hour on average if i have no distractions and interruptions.
i have 13037 words written now.
i need 20000.
so 20000-13017....20-13 = 7.
7000 words need to be written by the end og the day.
thats is about 5.8....6 hours of writing.
today.
what,
no.
not happening.
ugh.
i am so behind....
Monday, November 10, 2014
woods
so i decided today that i needed to find a patch of woods that i could go to.
guess what.
i did.
the universe is just helping me out! <3
there is a patch of woods on ECU that has a trail...and a few trails that aren't exactly on the trail - if you know what i mean.
i got to explore it a little today, off the trail. it was fun. Carrie was with me. :)
and wed. she is taking me to go see some more woods near by. not on campus, but near it.
beautiful.
i'm so excited.
guess what.
i did.
the universe is just helping me out! <3
there is a patch of woods on ECU that has a trail...and a few trails that aren't exactly on the trail - if you know what i mean.
i got to explore it a little today, off the trail. it was fun. Carrie was with me. :)
and wed. she is taking me to go see some more woods near by. not on campus, but near it.
beautiful.
i'm so excited.
dance
so one thing that was just amazing about the concert/ball at faeriecon was the fact that i could dance. My kind of dance. i havn't done it in a long time. danced like that.
i want to dance more....
but i can't.
because Cara is not in a sport right now, i have to wait till she is back in sports so i can have the house to myself to dance.
because it makes a lot of noise....with my feet stomping the ground and all.
lots of energy.
lots of fun.
stress releif.
i think its one of the reason's i was so open.
i want to stay open.
i want to dance more....
but i can't.
because Cara is not in a sport right now, i have to wait till she is back in sports so i can have the house to myself to dance.
because it makes a lot of noise....with my feet stomping the ground and all.
lots of energy.
lots of fun.
stress releif.
i think its one of the reason's i was so open.
i want to stay open.
Elven Star
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the 7 points represent different things.
List 1
- power, personal will and determination
- unconditional love, wisdom and growth
- knowledge and intelligence
- harmony and tranquillity
- the powers of mind and science
- devotion and honesty
- Magick
List 2
- earth
- air
- fire
- water
- light
- life
- magic
http://www.holisticshop.co.uk/dictionary/elvenstar
The elven star, however, the septagram, is similar yet highly different (from the pentagram). While many of its points hold elemental symbolism, it is more complex in the relationship between the points.
Point 1: The Sun. There is apparent fire elemental symbolism here, but also a more specific symbolism relavent to the septagram. The sun is the primary force of life and creation on Earth or most any other world. Without it, elven and humanoid life as we know it would not exist. Its influence affects us in uncountable ways, ranging from climate to psychology to its interaction with other bodies in our system. At the same time, there are the magical symbols associated with the sun: life, energy, creation, fertility, power--but at the same time remember that the sun has its negative aspects as well: drought, extreme heat, radiation, cancer, and so forth.
Point 2: The Wood. Most elves feel a deep connection to forests and woods in general. Trees are considered kin, cousins and brothers. Elves can see a deep secret hidden in the branches of trees, and understand the power and nature of trees and woods. There is also earth elemental symbolism here.
Point 3: The Sea. Many elves also have a connection to the sea, and water elemental powers are very strong naturally. Some may be reluctant to know the sea or feel it, perhaps forgetting the ocean as one of the great forces of many worlds.
Point 4: The Magic. Magic is integral to the lives of all elves, whether it be the simple but profound magic of a snowflake or the more involved (for the elf perhaps) magic of rhymes, runes, visions, and such. It is not only a matter of understanding magic, but of living magic.
Point 5: The Moon. Just as the sun is responsible for our existence, so too does the moon have almost as important a role. Consider how different Earth would be without the moon: to light the dark night skies; to affect the weather and tides with its gravity (it is in many ways a contributor to the dynanism of our weather patterns); and even the magical and physiological effects upon us and others. Without its effects, the cycles of life in our oceans might not have occurred--or at least, not have occured as we have known them to. The way life on Earth exists now is due directly to the moon.
Point 6: The Wind. Many elves also have a strong connection to the wind and air elementals in general. At the same time, the wind is responsible for helping germinate the world's plants and forests--it is the essence of weather, and so much more.
Point 7: Connection. Ultimately, elves must remember the idea of Connection--of our connection to ourselves, others, the world, the land, reality, magic, and the universe. We are creatures of connection, and our power is tied to our connections to all things. This point is the aspiration perhaps of the other points, just as the fifth point of spirit is the aspiration of the pentagram and humanity.
http://www.rialian.com/elvslant.htm
basically:
List 3
- fire/life
- earth/wood
- water/sea
- Magic
- Moon/light/cycles of life
- air/wind
- Connection/Spirit
channel
okay so... what happened with Cernunnos was called "opening a channel"
i opened a channel with him and thats how i felt him.
and since then i have been sp at peace.... i want to do it again.
thinking about it makes my heart happy... and my muscles relax.
i would love to do it while mediating.
To sit and just feel him.
to have that connection.
be connected with the father deity.
err...my father deity.
<3
guys.... as much as i love woolard, i really havn't ever had a father figure. Which is why i'm a bit confused by my admiration of Cernunnos.
i want to portray him at my wedding.
if my wife is open to it.
i'd love to have a light green dress.... or at least have the antlers.
i'm not a masculine person. at all. i am quite girly.
why do i want to channel him so badly?
is it because of my "daddy issues"?
maybe.
i just feel so...good.
opening a channel with him has me in an almost Euphoric mood. I want to keep it.
i wonder if he would be open to it again.
i know i have daddy issues.
its why i have latched on to Woolard.
even though Cernunnos is a god, and i know he wouldn't actually come to me... a girl can dream right? He showed himself to me once, and i allowed myself to be drawn away.
Now i'm itching to see him again.
to be abel to hug him.
oh what it would have been like to hug a god. who obviously loved me.
i feel warm all over thinking about it.
its comforting....
maybe if i call out to him?
he'll give me a second chance?
i hope so.
but when an i do it?
where?
i don't get to go walking in the woods very often.
especially by myself.
and i know i need to be by myself to do this.
love.
i feel loved right now.
His presence was so gentle.
and warm.
and kind.
i'm sure if i meditate on it, i can derive more, but for now i'm just....happy. loved.
its the same love i felt comming from him when i first saw him in that tree.
i want more of it. to feel more of it.
to show him i love him too, to apologize for allowing myself to be turned away.
The god of the hunt and all things wild...
creative chaos...
lord of the forests...
green man...
my lord...
i love you.
i opened a channel with him and thats how i felt him.
and since then i have been sp at peace.... i want to do it again.
thinking about it makes my heart happy... and my muscles relax.
i would love to do it while mediating.
To sit and just feel him.
to have that connection.
be connected with the father deity.
err...my father deity.
<3
guys.... as much as i love woolard, i really havn't ever had a father figure. Which is why i'm a bit confused by my admiration of Cernunnos.
i want to portray him at my wedding.
if my wife is open to it.
i'd love to have a light green dress.... or at least have the antlers.
i'm not a masculine person. at all. i am quite girly.
why do i want to channel him so badly?
is it because of my "daddy issues"?
maybe.
i just feel so...good.
opening a channel with him has me in an almost Euphoric mood. I want to keep it.
i wonder if he would be open to it again.
i know i have daddy issues.
its why i have latched on to Woolard.
even though Cernunnos is a god, and i know he wouldn't actually come to me... a girl can dream right? He showed himself to me once, and i allowed myself to be drawn away.
Now i'm itching to see him again.
to be abel to hug him.
oh what it would have been like to hug a god. who obviously loved me.
i feel warm all over thinking about it.
its comforting....
maybe if i call out to him?
he'll give me a second chance?
i hope so.
but when an i do it?
where?
i don't get to go walking in the woods very often.
especially by myself.
and i know i need to be by myself to do this.
love.
i feel loved right now.
His presence was so gentle.
and warm.
and kind.
i'm sure if i meditate on it, i can derive more, but for now i'm just....happy. loved.
its the same love i felt comming from him when i first saw him in that tree.
i want more of it. to feel more of it.
to show him i love him too, to apologize for allowing myself to be turned away.
The god of the hunt and all things wild...
creative chaos...
lord of the forests...
green man...
my lord...
i love you.
FaeriCon
okay so thr first part was basically a faerie themed flea market.
i only baught a few things, but spent waaay too much money. Everything was expensiv... but everything was authentic and DEF. worth the money.
i'll have pics up soon.
i met a psychic who did a eading for me. Aparently i will have 2 sons. I have a dark haired love interest that i am holding back from, that i should go for . (i don't really have a crush on anyone...so... i mean, there is the cute girl in my first class, but its not really a thing.)
and apparently my SG is female. But because i'm so blocked in my third eye i felt that she was male.
um...
please no.
if my SG is female and i have been calling her male that is so embarrassing.
plus he showed himself to me as a male,,,,
at least it looked that way in the breif flash of my mind.
but going back to that dream in which i went home i was with a younger girl, who was blonde. what if she is my SG? my little sister from the past life?
see i suspected that maybe my SG and i were married in my previoous life.. or related in some way. idk. i need answers. I need to consult my pendulum and talk with him/her.
but the faerie ball.
amazing.
Woodland was the first band to play and their second song that they performed.... i lost myself in a trance and guys.... I litterally felt myself as my spirit is. I felt myself as an elf. I was there, with my eyes closed, but could see with my mind. i could feel my ears and my entire body, it felt different than my human one. Guys. i felt myself as a fae. As my spirit is. it was beautiful.
then Omnia. fucking Omnia. i saw them, live. alksjxflWHJFULEGF
it was awesome.
they sound just as good live as they do recorded. and they are all about love and independence and being true to who you are.
def chaotic good.
the actually got called back onto stage... TWICE by the crowd. ad their last song was Morrigan. by that time i was in the back of the room and could actually DANCE. when i say dance i dont mean modern danceing. i mean, my own dance. and i did it in front of people. and you know what? they smiled. they liked it. it was awsome.
and guys this weekend.... i had such a release... i needed it.
that night i was able to pray to Cernunnos and actually feel him listening to me.
last night i imagined talking to him again...
"Though there are many Gods inside your head
And I am only one
Believe in me I'll set you free
To worship me is fun
Because I stand for freedom
The forest wyld untamed
I'm creative Chaos no I just cannot be chained
You people think you're different but to me you're all the same
So if you feel in need of me well you can call my name
Call me Satan call me Satyr
I'm Cernunnos I am Pan
I'm the laughter in the forest
I'm the happy horny one"
i only baught a few things, but spent waaay too much money. Everything was expensiv... but everything was authentic and DEF. worth the money.
i'll have pics up soon.
i met a psychic who did a eading for me. Aparently i will have 2 sons. I have a dark haired love interest that i am holding back from, that i should go for . (i don't really have a crush on anyone...so... i mean, there is the cute girl in my first class, but its not really a thing.)
and apparently my SG is female. But because i'm so blocked in my third eye i felt that she was male.
um...
please no.
if my SG is female and i have been calling her male that is so embarrassing.
plus he showed himself to me as a male,,,,
at least it looked that way in the breif flash of my mind.
but going back to that dream in which i went home i was with a younger girl, who was blonde. what if she is my SG? my little sister from the past life?
see i suspected that maybe my SG and i were married in my previoous life.. or related in some way. idk. i need answers. I need to consult my pendulum and talk with him/her.
but the faerie ball.
amazing.
Woodland was the first band to play and their second song that they performed.... i lost myself in a trance and guys.... I litterally felt myself as my spirit is. I felt myself as an elf. I was there, with my eyes closed, but could see with my mind. i could feel my ears and my entire body, it felt different than my human one. Guys. i felt myself as a fae. As my spirit is. it was beautiful.
then Omnia. fucking Omnia. i saw them, live. alksjxflWHJFULEGF
it was awesome.
they sound just as good live as they do recorded. and they are all about love and independence and being true to who you are.
def chaotic good.
the actually got called back onto stage... TWICE by the crowd. ad their last song was Morrigan. by that time i was in the back of the room and could actually DANCE. when i say dance i dont mean modern danceing. i mean, my own dance. and i did it in front of people. and you know what? they smiled. they liked it. it was awsome.
and guys this weekend.... i had such a release... i needed it.
that night i was able to pray to Cernunnos and actually feel him listening to me.
last night i imagined talking to him again...
"Though there are many Gods inside your head
And I am only one
Believe in me I'll set you free
To worship me is fun
Because I stand for freedom
The forest wyld untamed
I'm creative Chaos no I just cannot be chained
You people think you're different but to me you're all the same
So if you feel in need of me well you can call my name
Call me Satan call me Satyr
I'm Cernunnos I am Pan
I'm the laughter in the forest
I'm the happy horny one"
I want to call out to him. I want to feel him again. I want to be free. Unchained. Happy.
It was so amazing, to be unrestricted this weekend.
and then last night i actually saw my SG. FELT him (or her...)
and that hasn't happened in a long time. He(/she) held my hand, and then stayed with me util i went to sleep.
I saw him. floating over me... not in any distinct form, but like a mist.
But he held my hand. i felt him.
and i know its because of this weekend. I was able to open myself because of this weekend.
I'm so happy i could cry.... i just don't want to get closed off again.
and that hasn't happened in a long time. He(/she) held my hand, and then stayed with me util i went to sleep.
I saw him. floating over me... not in any distinct form, but like a mist.
But he held my hand. i felt him.
and i know its because of this weekend. I was able to open myself because of this weekend.
I'm so happy i could cry.... i just don't want to get closed off again.
Friday, November 7, 2014
hospital
woolard is in the hospital.
he had a heart stint put in.
i didn't even know it until this morning.
my dad was in the hospital and i didn't know.
i feel so bad....
he says he feels fine and he's okay....
woolard....
in the hospital.
i want to cry.
he had a heart stint put in.
i didn't even know it until this morning.
my dad was in the hospital and i didn't know.
i feel so bad....
he says he feels fine and he's okay....
woolard....
in the hospital.
i want to cry.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Ju/'hoansi
1. What are the available food resource opportunities for the Ju/'hoansi in the Dobe Region?
"Plant foods make up he majority of their diet.... more than a hundred varieties of edible plants..." In a single gathering they can gather enough food to last ten days. The most important plant being the Mongongo nut which is their main source of protein, however they do hunt as well which is about 30% of their diet.
2. What part of the Ju/'hoansi social organization was most interesting to you?
I was very impressed with how Women are able to be elders and are treated as equals. In many cultures, especially older ones, this is not common.
Their Marriages also interest me greatly. Although first marriages are arranged, a woman can show their displeasure at the wedding ceremony (which involves forcably taking the bride from her hut in a "capture") by fighting, kicking, and screaming. If this occurs, then there is a great chance the marriage will not happen. Also, divorce is not uncommon. This really surprised me when i compare it to other cultures i have learned about this year. These women are surprisingly independent and the fact that Divorce is not frowned upon, and often expected (with first marriages) really impressed me.
3. What are the major issues for the Ju/'hoansi today?
Health - Because the former diet could no longer be kept up due to restrictions on hunting and their ability to forage, with borders and fences being built, hypertension and heart disease began to show up in the people. Add that with cigarettes and alcohol and the problem multiplies.
Food/Starving - Due to no longer being able to live as they had before the Ju were forced to depend on the government's food distribution programs. When that ended they were left in a very lean state and unable to predict how things would progress. eventually the government would provide rations.
Overcrowding - combining the first two issues with the fact that reservations were basically established that held a thousand people when only desgned to hold 275 people led to other issues such as family violence.
4. In your opinion, what can we learn from the Ju/'hoansi culture?
I think what we can learn from them is generosity. By working together thy can gather enough food to last for days in just one trip. When meat is accessible, it is eaten in a joyful feast and it is made sure that everyone gets a fair share.Americans like to think of themselves as generous, sending help to other countries in times of disaster, but when it comes to our own people we turn a blind eye as a whole. I think that the teamwork and fair treatment/dispersion of food, which i would call generous, is what we can learn from the Ju/'hoansi.
One other thing i feel we can learn from the Ju is their humility. Although I don't particularly like how they bash and talk down a hunter's kill, i do like how they avoid overly boastful people. In America many people are quick to brag and let any success go to their head. Being arrogant and cocky has actually been a stereotype for Americans in several movies and books that i have read. To be honest i feel this is kind of accurate for American society and culture, which is why their humility is something i think we should keep in mind.
"Plant foods make up he majority of their diet.... more than a hundred varieties of edible plants..." In a single gathering they can gather enough food to last ten days. The most important plant being the Mongongo nut which is their main source of protein, however they do hunt as well which is about 30% of their diet.
2. What part of the Ju/'hoansi social organization was most interesting to you?
I was very impressed with how Women are able to be elders and are treated as equals. In many cultures, especially older ones, this is not common.
Their Marriages also interest me greatly. Although first marriages are arranged, a woman can show their displeasure at the wedding ceremony (which involves forcably taking the bride from her hut in a "capture") by fighting, kicking, and screaming. If this occurs, then there is a great chance the marriage will not happen. Also, divorce is not uncommon. This really surprised me when i compare it to other cultures i have learned about this year. These women are surprisingly independent and the fact that Divorce is not frowned upon, and often expected (with first marriages) really impressed me.
3. What are the major issues for the Ju/'hoansi today?
Health - Because the former diet could no longer be kept up due to restrictions on hunting and their ability to forage, with borders and fences being built, hypertension and heart disease began to show up in the people. Add that with cigarettes and alcohol and the problem multiplies.
Food/Starving - Due to no longer being able to live as they had before the Ju were forced to depend on the government's food distribution programs. When that ended they were left in a very lean state and unable to predict how things would progress. eventually the government would provide rations.
Overcrowding - combining the first two issues with the fact that reservations were basically established that held a thousand people when only desgned to hold 275 people led to other issues such as family violence.
4. In your opinion, what can we learn from the Ju/'hoansi culture?
I think what we can learn from them is generosity. By working together thy can gather enough food to last for days in just one trip. When meat is accessible, it is eaten in a joyful feast and it is made sure that everyone gets a fair share.Americans like to think of themselves as generous, sending help to other countries in times of disaster, but when it comes to our own people we turn a blind eye as a whole. I think that the teamwork and fair treatment/dispersion of food, which i would call generous, is what we can learn from the Ju/'hoansi.
One other thing i feel we can learn from the Ju is their humility. Although I don't particularly like how they bash and talk down a hunter's kill, i do like how they avoid overly boastful people. In America many people are quick to brag and let any success go to their head. Being arrogant and cocky has actually been a stereotype for Americans in several movies and books that i have read. To be honest i feel this is kind of accurate for American society and culture, which is why their humility is something i think we should keep in mind.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Best Memory
okay so in Societies class, the teacher mention how often we wish our best memories had lasted longer.
i have two... formerly my best memory had been that relaxing day outside, listening to music, burning incense, and just relaxing with Racheal one afternoon.
but the first thing that poped into my head when he said best memory, was the beach trip with Kasey, Kit, me and Jake.
which has made me a bit sad.
i'm over jake. i really am. our relationship is dead. the end.
i just sometimes miss my former best friend.
tat day at the beach, throwing sand and wrestling, and laughing, and it was just pure happiness. that day was pure happiness.
and instead of being happy when i remember it, i feel sad.
which that fact in itself is sad.
ugh.
i have two... formerly my best memory had been that relaxing day outside, listening to music, burning incense, and just relaxing with Racheal one afternoon.
but the first thing that poped into my head when he said best memory, was the beach trip with Kasey, Kit, me and Jake.
which has made me a bit sad.
i'm over jake. i really am. our relationship is dead. the end.
i just sometimes miss my former best friend.
tat day at the beach, throwing sand and wrestling, and laughing, and it was just pure happiness. that day was pure happiness.
and instead of being happy when i remember it, i feel sad.
which that fact in itself is sad.
ugh.
Monday, November 3, 2014
this makes me happy.
looking at this picture makes me happy.
look at this,,,,, i mean..AWWWWWWWW
look at this,,,,, i mean..AWWWWWWWW
the way Eugene is lookin at her.... and PETER PAN. SOOOO FUCKING CUTE.
SERIOUSLY. CUTENESS OVERLOAD. i repeat: CUTENESS OVERLOAD.
exam #2
okay so i'm taking my second "societies from around the world" exam today... noooo not ready for it
it really sucks that we learned about 2 cultures this time, because i have a feeling i'm going to get them mixed up as hell.
plus i'm driving myslf today, which means i need to keep up with paying the parking meter.
i need to get there a bit early to study and to get my test materials that i forgot to buy last week.
ugh.
thoth please help me. i need to pass this exam. please. please.please. i love you and thank you.
wish me luck guys.
it really sucks that we learned about 2 cultures this time, because i have a feeling i'm going to get them mixed up as hell.
plus i'm driving myslf today, which means i need to keep up with paying the parking meter.
i need to get there a bit early to study and to get my test materials that i forgot to buy last week.
ugh.
thoth please help me. i need to pass this exam. please. please.please. i love you and thank you.
wish me luck guys.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
paaaaarrtaaayyyyyy
no.
okay so i went to a halloween "party" last night. it was like... 10 people most of who were drinking a LOT and joking around about larking (live action role playing). then a little fire and some singing. it was alright...a bit boring at times, but not bad.
execept will.
he would not let up about me not drinking. several times... asking why i don't drink. did i want a drink. and then at the end, when i finally had enough i ended up getting a challenge. if one of the guys made me a drink that i couldn't taste the alcohol i would drink some, if i could taste the alcohol then they would drink it.
i couldn't taste the alcohol, so i took a few sips and was done.
then will.
kept trying to get me to finish it, kept asking why i wouldn't. he just couldn't understand why i didn't want to get drunk.
pissed. me. the fuck. off.
"why won't you finish it?"
because i don't want to get drunk.
"why don't you want to get drunk?"
because i just don't want to get drunk.
"please?"
NO.
and then FINALLY he backed off. i think he saw that he actually pissed me off when i practically yelled the 'no' at him.
after that i was kinda in a sour mood.
why the fuck can't people just understand i don't drink?
i told him BEFORE we went i didn't drink.
i must have said it like 10 different times that night.
and still he kept on.
it wasn't a bad night... just not my kind of party.
okay so i went to a halloween "party" last night. it was like... 10 people most of who were drinking a LOT and joking around about larking (live action role playing). then a little fire and some singing. it was alright...a bit boring at times, but not bad.
execept will.
he would not let up about me not drinking. several times... asking why i don't drink. did i want a drink. and then at the end, when i finally had enough i ended up getting a challenge. if one of the guys made me a drink that i couldn't taste the alcohol i would drink some, if i could taste the alcohol then they would drink it.
i couldn't taste the alcohol, so i took a few sips and was done.
then will.
kept trying to get me to finish it, kept asking why i wouldn't. he just couldn't understand why i didn't want to get drunk.
pissed. me. the fuck. off.
"why won't you finish it?"
because i don't want to get drunk.
"why don't you want to get drunk?"
because i just don't want to get drunk.
"please?"
NO.
and then FINALLY he backed off. i think he saw that he actually pissed me off when i practically yelled the 'no' at him.
after that i was kinda in a sour mood.
why the fuck can't people just understand i don't drink?
i told him BEFORE we went i didn't drink.
i must have said it like 10 different times that night.
and still he kept on.
it wasn't a bad night... just not my kind of party.
Friday, October 31, 2014
breathe again
okay, i can breathe again.
i found it.
it was in my first classroom.
all good.
all good.
i can relax again.
i found it.
it was in my first classroom.
all good.
all good.
i can relax again.
oh please help.
keeper of all that disapears
hear me now open your ear
the object lost (my phone) returns to me
this i will
so mote it be.
my phone is gone.
kayla never zipped up by bookbag when she gave me my wallet ad now my phone is gone.
or if i left it a class no one has seen it.
i've been calling it over and over and someone has it.
its rang twice before going to voicemail meaning somone hit "end"
please return the call.
please.
oh please someone help.
hear me now open your ear
the object lost (my phone) returns to me
this i will
so mote it be.
my phone is gone.
kayla never zipped up by bookbag when she gave me my wallet ad now my phone is gone.
or if i left it a class no one has seen it.
i've been calling it over and over and someone has it.
its rang twice before going to voicemail meaning somone hit "end"
please return the call.
please.
oh please someone help.
hahaha yes :3
so...so far, i've had a LOT of starring, 2 professors have told me they like it, and one girl actually told me "i like your face".
i've been called/told i look beautiful by 2 people.
and many of those starring eyes? if i look at them or in their direction? their shoes...or a tree...or chair...or friend suddenly become so much more interesting.... its like
"oh crap! she's looking! she'll steal my soul!!"
hehe.
hehehe.
hehehehe.
i've been called/told i look beautiful by 2 people.
and many of those starring eyes? if i look at them or in their direction? their shoes...or a tree...or chair...or friend suddenly become so much more interesting.... its like
"oh crap! she's looking! she'll steal my soul!!"
hehe.
hehehe.
hehehehe.
but for now i think i will just relax and enjoy this day :)
have a good day my lovelies!!!! <3 <3 <3
for tonight.... the veil is open, and everyone is out to play.
Halloween
Blessed Samhain!!!
Today marks the beginning of the thinning of the veil between our world and the spirit world....
people would dress up and make jackolanterns to scare away the spirits that threateed to take them away... it was a time to be respectful and wary....
but now its halloween,,, a time to have fun!
so me? i'll do both! ;D
Today marks the beginning of the thinning of the veil between our world and the spirit world....
people would dress up and make jackolanterns to scare away the spirits that threateed to take them away... it was a time to be respectful and wary....
but now its halloween,,, a time to have fun!
so me? i'll do both! ;D
so! my plans for the night.
first..go to school dressed as ^^^^
figure out which party i want to go to (the one with all gay people of whom i only know 3, maybe get to flirt with some girls or the one in which i only know 2 and will most likely get hit on by guys...)
then get home, take the stuff off my face, and get into my faerie costume.
then around suppertime i'll head over to kyle's place for dinner and a bonfire.
then around 8 i'll head to whatever party. prolly stop by at work to say hi and grab some soda, since i won't be drinking alcohol tonight.
then at the wee hours of the morning i'll either be driving hime..or crashing at one of the parties for the night.
yay.
but which party to go to?
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
experiences
soo......writing my novel of short stories is going to be a bit difficult.
almost all of the stories will be a bit erotic and since i am really inexperienced, i can only guess at stuff.
i don't have any experiences....
which sucks.
all my writing is guess work.
almost all of the stories will be a bit erotic and since i am really inexperienced, i can only guess at stuff.
i don't have any experiences....
which sucks.
all my writing is guess work.
feminism
feminism: the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
plans~
So i'm going to ECU tonight to check out a ghost hunt :DDDDDD
and then i'll stay and watch "As Above, So Below" at the theate on campus :3
yay~
and then i'll stay and watch "As Above, So Below" at the theate on campus :3
yay~
Monday, October 27, 2014
*sigh* alright
Well, Bree seems to need space..... so there's that.
poor girl is very stressed, and a bit fed up with everything. i won't go into details (i honestly don't know anything) but if she needs space i won't pry.
Astarte, i feel like i'm being teased... opportunities popping up here and there... but at the same time granted my thoughts i've been having, i see also that you may be looking out for me.
but help her also please.
she is such an amazing person, and she;s in pain.
and if anyone can help her,
you are the goddess for the job <3
poor girl is very stressed, and a bit fed up with everything. i won't go into details (i honestly don't know anything) but if she needs space i won't pry.
Astarte, i feel like i'm being teased... opportunities popping up here and there... but at the same time granted my thoughts i've been having, i see also that you may be looking out for me.
but help her also please.
she is such an amazing person, and she;s in pain.
and if anyone can help her,
you are the goddess for the job <3
Character alignment
*** anything highlighted applies to my character
Chaotic Neutral vs. Chaotic Good
Chaotic good characters feel that each person must find their own way and should have total freedom to act in any manner they choose as long as they hurt no one else in the process. Chaotic neutral characters believe that everyone should do what they want, regardless of whether the actions are good or hurt others. Both will lie and cheat. The chaotic good character will cheat and lie to others only when good comes of it or to trick the evil. The chaotic neutral character will lie, cheat, and trick anyone to achieve his goals, whether that goal is amusement, power, or wealth. Chaotic good characters value the individual freedom of all creatures, while the chaotic neutral character values his own freedom, and doesn't care about the freedom of others. Chaotic neutral characters do not necessarily want others to suffer as a result of their actions, but do not care if others do suffer. They tend to behave in a good manner towards friends and allies, unless their friends and allies do not agree with them. Chaotic good characters never want others to suffer because of their actions, except those who are evil or deserve to suffer in their eyes. Chaotic neutral characters don't understand why chaotic goods are so concerned about others, while chaotic good characters feel that chaotic neutral characters are hypocritical in believing in their own freedom, but not necessarily in the right for others to have the same freedom.
Chaotic Neutral vs. Chaotic Evil
Chaotic neutral and the chaotic evil characters will disagree on the nature of freedom. Both value their own freedom above that of other beings, but the chaotic neutral character feels all creatures should be free to pursue their goals, for good or ill. They do not feel that others have the right to restrict them of their freedom, but the chaotic neutral character may restrict others. The chaotic neutral character may not be malicious in the liberties he takes. He will generally leave others alone, any evil they suffer because of his actions is incidental. Chaotic evil characters believe that freedom should only exist for those creatures strong enough to keep it. They will go out of their way to corrupt the good and destroy their works. They see no value in any individual's life, other than whatever value it has to gratify that particular chaotic evil character. Chaotic neutral characters are not concerned with life, but do not feel that others exist for their exploitation, necessarily.
Chaotic Neutral vs. True Neutral
Chaotic neutral and true neutral characters have a similar moral outlook. They tend to follow a morality of reciprocity, behaving altruistically toward benefactors and egoistically toward malefactors. Their difference involves their outlook on laws and society. The true neutral character wants to work within the law and will observe most customs and mores because it it in their best interest to do so. True neutral characters don't want to "rock the boat" but will on occasion if their self-interest is overwhelmingly served by breaking the law or flouting custom. The chaotic neutral character sees no value in laws, customs, or mores. A chaotic neutral character may appear to follow many laws, but does not do so because they believe in any inherent value to such systems. The chaotic neutral character believes in the pure freedom to pursue their own self-interest (and for others to pursue their own interests in the same manner). Although the true neutral character does not believe that the law should be followed all of the time, neither do they believe that laws are completely useless. They believe that chaotic neutral characters actually limit themselves by refusing to consider that sometimes self-interest can best be served by order in society. Chaotic neutral characters feel that true neutral characters limit themselves by paying lip service to laws and customs that they do not necessarily support.
Chaotic Neutral, Chaotic Good, and Chaotic Evil
Freedom means a different thing to characters of these three alignments. For the chaotic neutral character, freedom means the freedom for all beings to pursue their own self-interest without interference from authority. The chaotic neutral character realizes that there will be chances for both conflict and cooperation, but they will always seek to advance their own self-interest. They believe in the right of all beings to do what they themselves are doing (namely, pursuing self-interest). If others are advanced while the chaotic neutral character is advancing himself, this is fine. If others are diminished when he is pursuing his own interest, so be it. He will help people that help him and harm people that harm him. The chaotic good character believes that freedom means the freedom for each individual to find his own way to promote happiness and prosperity in the world. He feels that the best way to promote goodness and weal for all is to provide the most freedom. The chaotic good character wants everyone to enjoy the same right to pursue happiness as freely as possible. Chaotic evil characters believe that freedom means the freedom to take whatever action is necessary to advance the self. In the eyes of the chaotic evil character, an important way of maximizing personal freedom is to minimize the opportunity for others to pursue their own self-interest. Thus, the chaotic evil character wants maximum freedom for himself, but minimum freedom and power for everyone else. The chaotic neutral character wants maximum freedom for everyone to pursue their own ends (for good or ill). The chaotic good character wants maximum freedom for everyone to find happiness and prosperity.
so... My half elf "Elli" is chaotic nuetral... but leans toward chaotic good :)
Chaotic Neutral vs. Chaotic Good
Chaotic good characters feel that each person must find their own way and should have total freedom to act in any manner they choose as long as they hurt no one else in the process. Chaotic neutral characters believe that everyone should do what they want, regardless of whether the actions are good or hurt others. Both will lie and cheat. The chaotic good character will cheat and lie to others only when good comes of it or to trick the evil. The chaotic neutral character will lie, cheat, and trick anyone to achieve his goals, whether that goal is amusement, power, or wealth. Chaotic good characters value the individual freedom of all creatures, while the chaotic neutral character values his own freedom, and doesn't care about the freedom of others. Chaotic neutral characters do not necessarily want others to suffer as a result of their actions, but do not care if others do suffer. They tend to behave in a good manner towards friends and allies, unless their friends and allies do not agree with them. Chaotic good characters never want others to suffer because of their actions, except those who are evil or deserve to suffer in their eyes. Chaotic neutral characters don't understand why chaotic goods are so concerned about others, while chaotic good characters feel that chaotic neutral characters are hypocritical in believing in their own freedom, but not necessarily in the right for others to have the same freedom.
Chaotic Neutral vs. Chaotic Evil
Chaotic neutral and the chaotic evil characters will disagree on the nature of freedom. Both value their own freedom above that of other beings, but the chaotic neutral character feels all creatures should be free to pursue their goals, for good or ill. They do not feel that others have the right to restrict them of their freedom, but the chaotic neutral character may restrict others. The chaotic neutral character may not be malicious in the liberties he takes. He will generally leave others alone, any evil they suffer because of his actions is incidental. Chaotic evil characters believe that freedom should only exist for those creatures strong enough to keep it. They will go out of their way to corrupt the good and destroy their works. They see no value in any individual's life, other than whatever value it has to gratify that particular chaotic evil character. Chaotic neutral characters are not concerned with life, but do not feel that others exist for their exploitation, necessarily.
Chaotic Neutral vs. True Neutral
Chaotic neutral and true neutral characters have a similar moral outlook. They tend to follow a morality of reciprocity, behaving altruistically toward benefactors and egoistically toward malefactors. Their difference involves their outlook on laws and society. The true neutral character wants to work within the law and will observe most customs and mores because it it in their best interest to do so. True neutral characters don't want to "rock the boat" but will on occasion if their self-interest is overwhelmingly served by breaking the law or flouting custom. The chaotic neutral character sees no value in laws, customs, or mores. A chaotic neutral character may appear to follow many laws, but does not do so because they believe in any inherent value to such systems. The chaotic neutral character believes in the pure freedom to pursue their own self-interest (and for others to pursue their own interests in the same manner). Although the true neutral character does not believe that the law should be followed all of the time, neither do they believe that laws are completely useless. They believe that chaotic neutral characters actually limit themselves by refusing to consider that sometimes self-interest can best be served by order in society. Chaotic neutral characters feel that true neutral characters limit themselves by paying lip service to laws and customs that they do not necessarily support.
Chaotic Neutral, Chaotic Good, and Chaotic Evil
Freedom means a different thing to characters of these three alignments. For the chaotic neutral character, freedom means the freedom for all beings to pursue their own self-interest without interference from authority. The chaotic neutral character realizes that there will be chances for both conflict and cooperation, but they will always seek to advance their own self-interest. They believe in the right of all beings to do what they themselves are doing (namely, pursuing self-interest). If others are advanced while the chaotic neutral character is advancing himself, this is fine. If others are diminished when he is pursuing his own interest, so be it. He will help people that help him and harm people that harm him. The chaotic good character believes that freedom means the freedom for each individual to find his own way to promote happiness and prosperity in the world. He feels that the best way to promote goodness and weal for all is to provide the most freedom. The chaotic good character wants everyone to enjoy the same right to pursue happiness as freely as possible. Chaotic evil characters believe that freedom means the freedom to take whatever action is necessary to advance the self. In the eyes of the chaotic evil character, an important way of maximizing personal freedom is to minimize the opportunity for others to pursue their own self-interest. Thus, the chaotic evil character wants maximum freedom for himself, but minimum freedom and power for everyone else. The chaotic neutral character wants maximum freedom for everyone to pursue their own ends (for good or ill). The chaotic good character wants maximum freedom for everyone to find happiness and prosperity.
so... My half elf "Elli" is chaotic nuetral... but leans toward chaotic good :)
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