i'm not okay.

i'm not okay.

and thats okay.

I think Carson's death may have triggered a depressive phase.

not just a normal depressive phase....

i have type 2 depressive bipolar with violent tendencies.


the violent tendencies are coming out.

i feel them. whispering. tempting me.
i feel the depression.

the fog....
the pressure...

my mind is swimming in the river of bipolar with currents going both directions at once.
my medication is a thick layer of ice that usually keeps me above the water's grasp...


but the ice is thin now and i'm sinking.


i'm not okay.

and thats okay.

Homework all due Tuesday

• final copy of memoir - PRINT OUT A HARD COPY
• read Bein Brians and prepare 2 minutes about what you liked 
• Read ... ?
• print out and read the two fiction stories

UPDATED COLLEGE NOTES 2016-2017 + Spring semester plans

*** i don't know why i feel like saying this but i am so meticulous inmy academic planning that this post right here took me over 3 hours to make. ****

okay so apparently for my minor i only need 3 more classes. I think what i was looking at before... was for the past year. in 2015 someone needed to have 24 credits of creative writing, now they only need 18.

** all times listed beside each class is when it will be offered in the spring.

Total i need for Creative Writing: 9 credits

• Core
• Eng 2815 intro to creative writing  -3 (MW 2-3:15)
• Eng 3830, 3840, 3850, 3860  taking now. 
• 2 Cognates
• The Short Story - taken last year
• 3851 Fiction from writer's POV    -3
• 1 elective
• 4850 Advanced Fiction Writing    -3

source: http://catalog.ecu.edu/preview_program.php?catoid=10&poid=2463&hl=%22creative+writing+minor%22&returnto=search

For My Anth Major: 6 credits

• Feild methods -  senior spring - 3 writing intensive
• Anth theory - junior spring - 3 writing intensive (T/TH 8-9:15)

(writing intensive will be complete)

For my General ed: 15 credits

• Comm 2410 - public speaking 11-11:50T/TH 3:30 - 4:45, (T) 6:00 pm-09:00 pm)- Fine Art 3
• Spanish 4 - 3
• Humanities with fine arts (pic 2) - 6
•  PHIL 1275 - morals
•  PHIL 2272 - sex
•  PHIL 2272 - phil of religion
• 1 more social science since Psych of Religion didn't count (choose 1) - 3
• COMM 3152 - interpersonal theory/maintain relationships (MWF 1-1:50, 2-2:50)
• HIST 1031 world history since -1500 -> offered in the spring (T/TH 9:30-10:45)
• POLS 1050 pol and global understanding -> (MWF 8-8:50, 9-9:50) 
• SOCI 1025 Courtship and Marriage (T/TH 2-3:15)
• SOCI 1010 Race, Gender, Class ( T/TH 9:30-10:45,11-12:15, 5-6:15 )
• 3 elective classes 
• Classic Mythology
• Grimm Glass
• Paranormal Class
• Hospitality classes: 2100, 2170, and maybe 2200

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Math: 

i need 120 credits to graduate.... i have 81(including the classes i'm in now)...

thats 39 left. 15+6+6 = 30 credit hours of classes i specifically need. thats 9 free hours = 3 elective classes. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Classes For Spring 2017 (only take 5)

available to register: Tuesday, November 1st 2pm

Anth Theory - T/TH 8-9:15

Spanish 4 1-1:50 WMF

Intro to Creative Writing MW 2-3:15

Eng 4850 - advanced fiction T/TH 12:30 - 1:45

Comm 2410 - T/TH 3:30 -4:45

----------------------------------------------------------------

MWF
Spanish 4 1-1:50 or 12 - 12:50

Intro to Creative Writing 2-3:15 

T/TH

Anth Theory 8-9:15

Advanced Fiction Workshop 12:30 - 1:45

Public Speaking 3:30 - 4:45

Thoth.... Sarasvati.... please let me get the classes i need. 

--------------------------------------------------------------

Work availability 

MWF: 7-11:30 and 4-10

T/TH: 5:15-11

sat: open-close

sun: open - 11

interpreting meditation as if it were a dream

in a way, when i meditated i let my mind do what it wanted.... and it was almost like a dream. so out of curiosity i'm going to interpret it as one.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
puzzle pieces 
body - To dream about your own body signifies your level of self-worth and self-esteem. Often times, these qualities are dependent on your physical appearance or how your perceive yourself. The dream body also reflects your conscious identity or is representative of your state of health

Tree - To see lush green trees in your dream symbolize new hopes, growth, desires, knowledge, and life. It also implies strength, protection and stability. You are concentrating on your own self-development and individuation. 

stars - To see stars in your dream symbolize excellence, success, aspirations or high ideals. You are putting some decision in the hands of fate and luck. Perhaps you are being too "starry eyed" or idealistic. Or the stars may represent a rating system. You are you trying to evaluate a situation or establishment. Alternatively, the stars signify your desire for fame and fortune

soul - To dream that your soul is leaving your body represents your feelings of self-guilt. You may have compromised your own beliefs and values. Perhaps you are feeling numb and out of touch with those around you. It is time to change some vital part of your waking life in order to feel fully alive and whole again

floating - To dream that you are floating on air indicates satisfaction, contentment and acceptance of some situation. You are letting go of your problems and rising above obstacles. You are experiencing new-found freedom and gaining a new perspective on things. Nothing seems overwhelming or too difficult to handle. Alternatively, floating in your dream suggests that you are wandering through life aimlessly with no goals. You are just going with the flow.

swimming - To dream that you are swimming suggests that you are exploring aspects of your subconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. 

ground - To dream that you are on the ground represents your foundation and support system. It is also the boundary between your conscious and subconscious. You may be getting closer in confronting and acknowledging your subconscious thoughts. The dream may be a pun on being well-grounded and down to earth or that you have been grounded. Perhaps you are feeling restricted in some aspects of your life.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
putting them together
okay so.... my body became the tree.
Both the body and tree talk about sense of self. So i need to focus on improving myself - this makes sense because i am having conflicting emotions about my physical body as well as i am experiencing a change in spirituality.

My soul floated out of my body and above the tree
I'm feeling guilty about something involving myself and i need to accept and let go of whatever it is i am feeling guilty about.

my soul swam in the stars
i'm looking into my subconious and emotions, but i'm leaving it up to fate and luck.
***it was when i was swimming in the stars that i felt peace.... maybe giving it all up to fate and luck is how i will come to ...

Then i came to the earth/ground and melted into it/became one with it.
To be on it means i am close to finding out what it is that is that is affecting me (i have felt that something is off balance for a little while now), i guess then to be IN or OF the earth means that i will figure it out.
----------------------------------------------------------------
finished picture

There is something that i am feeling guilty about in my search for self growth and my emotions, whatever it is i need to let go of it and leave it to fate - by doing that i will find it and all will end well.



I really feel like this is in regards to my spiritual journey but also in the fact that i need to accept that my crush has moved on - but that i iwll one day have happiness.

to i think it is talking about both my spirituality and my love life.

Confirmed

So the cards pretty much confirmed that my crush has lost interest in me. 

I'm not giving up hope per se ... But like I decided previously I'm not going to peruse her. Especially now.

But if she reaches out? You bet your bottom dollar I won't say no. 

Tarot reading about me an my crush

What is my relationship with *crish's name*

--------------

Card that jumped out: 3 of swords - heartache

---------------

Me - emperor reversed - obstruction, ineffective? 

Her - the sun- enlightenment, contentment

My above - wheel of fortune reversed - impass, resistance, denial

Her left- 7 of cups - overwhelming options (oh fuck, does that mean she is into someone else?) 

My below - the moon - transformation, cycles, spiritual awakening (I feel I am at a spiritual turning point at the moment a accurate) 

Her right - 2 of cups reversed- misunderstanding 

Journey 

1. Knight of wands reversed - arrogance, discord, fear of commitment

2. Page of cups reversed - detachment, withdrawal 

3. Justice reversed - severity, inconsistency 

4. 9 of swords reversed - self sabotage 

---------------

What is against us?

1. 8 of pentacles - efficiency, recognition 

2. The devil - illusion, force, 

3. 4 of wands reversed - setbacks

What can I do to improve the situation?

1. 3 of wands reversed - overconfidence, preoccupation, rejection... (Maybe I should reject the other girl in talking to? Or should I just admit I've been rejected by my crush...)

2. Ace of pentacle - prosperity, contentment, new ventures

3. The devil reversed - release, freedom, liberation through self awareness.

----------------

What?

I have a sneaking suspicion of something but I'm not sure.... I need comparisons!

Tarot reading

Questions: tell me about my upcoming romantic relationship

Myself - the magician - determined, self confident 

Her - the high priestess - intuition, comprehension, knowledge 

My above - the star (coincidence... Swimming in stars?) - be optimistic, opportunity comes

Her left - knight of swords - brave, skilled, ready to rush in

My below - reversed 10 of cups - forced appearances 

Her right - 3 of wands - accomplishment/effort

Our journey

1- 6 of wands reversed - pride, undermined efforts

2 - the lovers - attraction, synergy 

3 - the devil - ignorance, illusion, force

4 - the empress reversed - indecision, anxiety

Hmmmmmm.....

What do you guys make of this?

Morning meditation

My body was headed toward a panic attack this morning. No cause. My chest was tight and I could barley breathe.... So I meditated.

My body became a tree. My soul floated above my branches and swam in the stars. The day was just before dawn, the sky dark and the stars bright... Hints of purple and orange just at the barriers of the sky. Everything was soft, cool, and the air was light. Then I came down and melted into the earth, becoming one with its warm and cool energy. 

When I awake I barley recognize my body and still feel as if I am floating. 

Now as I am returned to my human form the world is becomibg real again, I feel the anxiety stir.... But I just remember the floating peace.

How my spirit twisted and turned, free of any physical form, totally free in the inky purple sky, surrounded by glittering stars.

I feel high, or at least how I imagine others feel when high.

To do ASAP:

• go to cutomink website and try to redesign a shirt
• redraw the shirt design but actually draw it well and scan it into a digital file. submit it to a tshirt company and compare prices
• Terms for William James paper Open Dismiss
•  paper on William James will be due in class on Monday, October 17. Following are the terms you need to find to include in your paper
• Belief
• Skeptic
• Absolutist
• Empiricist
• Reductionism
• Healthy-minded person
• Morbid Minded person
• Conversion Experience
• Mystical State

• start correcting my memoir 

Getting to me

Everywhere I look there is something wrong. People are dieing all around. There is so much pain and suffering... War - both on and off our soil. 

I think it started when the shift into the Aquarius age... Which started in 2012. Ever since then the world seems to be going to shit.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of seeing it. I'm tired of it happening. 

All the negativity is starting to get to me

Expectations

Yes i'm making a post about it because that comment really pissed me off.

everyone has standards.

that is NOT A BAD THING.

i refuse to date someone who is prejudice against race or religion. that is a standard.
I refuse to date someone who will pressure me about sex. that should be a fucking given right there.
I have to be attracted to them. They don't have to be a fucking model, but i do need a level of attraction. thats not vain, its honest. we all must have a level of attraction to who we date.
They have to be okay with me having cats. cats are sacred to me and i will not budge on this.


4 things.
none of them are unreasonable. at all.
so don't fucking tell me to lower my expectations when half of my expectations are simple: don't be an asshole.

i don't really have expectations.

this comment really just makes me so fucking angry. like... fuck you. why do you think its okay to say that i need to lower my expectations when i literally DON'T FUCKING HAVE MANY. 4. if you combine the first 2 about not being an asshole, then 3.

4 things. oh my god i'm such a  snob.

fuck you.

Midnight thoughts

Thoughts that run through my head at midnight as I listen to people talk about their relationships.

- I'm going to be alone. 

- why is it any time I like somone it never works out? They always lose interest in me or something else.

- if someone shows interest in me I don't reciprocate it.

Ugh. 

Sorry guys. Hearing people talking about their relationship woes - makes me lonely.

hashing out college credits PART 2 - next semester

these are the classes i still need. (highlight means i would prefer that one red means mandatory)

• Eng 2815 - intro to creative writing

• MW 2-3:15 3:30 - 4:45

• T/TH 12:30 -1:45 2-3:15

• Phil 2271 

• Eng 3840 - intro to poetry - may not need.....

• T/TH 11 - 12:15

• Eng 3851 - fiction from writers POV  (not up yet) > 

• Eng 4850 - advanced fiction

• T/TH 12:30 - 1:45

• Eng 4850 - advanced nonfiction (not up yet)  May not need

• Anth 3050 - ethnographic field methods - next spring

• Anth 4025 - Theory

• T/TH 8-9:15

• Span 4 (not up yet)
• MWF
• T/TH

• Comm 2410 - public speaking

• MWF 9-9:50, 11-11:50

• T/TH 3:30 - 4:45, (T) 6:00 pm-09:00 pm

• PHIL 1275 - morals, PHIL 2272 - sex , PHIL 2272 - phil of religion (pick 2)

• 1 elective

OKAY...so.... i think i might just go with those 4. 

changed my mind and added Comm

--------------------------------------------------------------------

MWF

T/TH

Theory of Anth 8-9:15 

Advanced Fiction 12:30 - 1:45

-------------------------------------------------------------------

work availability

MWF:  

T/TH: 

Hashing out college hours.

My minor

• Eng 2815 - 3 (intro to creative writing)
• Phil 2271 - 3
• 2 out of : Eng 3830(intro to play writing), 3840 (into to poetry), 3860(non fiction writing)  - 6 3
• one of these: Eng 3330, 3340 (contemp drama), 3410 (into poetry), 3831 (plays from writers POV), 3841(poetry from writers POV),3851(fiction from Writers POV),3861,4930 - 3
• 2 or 3 of: - 6
• Anth 3300 lang and culture
• Clas 1300, 3300, 3400, 3405, 
• ENGL 2230(southern lit), 4830 (script) ,4835,4840(advanced poetry),4850 (advanced fiction),4860(nonfiction),4885 (digital writing)
• LING 2710,3700, 3720, 3750, 3240, 3250, 3260,3280,3290,3300,3460, 3570,3630, 3810,3870,3885,4230,4730
• FILM 2900
• GRBK 2000, 2010,2400 ,2500 ,2600
•  HIST 333
• PHIL 3272, 3331, 3350
• POLS 3012 or 3045

so i need 6 more classes of my minor... thats 18 credits

 anything in bold is something i want to take out of the ones with the choices, highlighted is something that i feel i ABSOLUTELY MUST TAKE

and then there is my
anth requirements:

• Feild methods -  senior spring - 3 writing intensive
• Anth theory - junior spring - 3 writing intensive  
• (writing intensive will be complete)

two more classes for Anth. thats 6 credits.

Foundation requirements:

• 1 more courses in Spanish - 3
• 1 fine art: Public Speaking -3
• 4 more credits in humanities with attributes to fine arts (pick 2) - 6
• PHIL 1275 - morals
• PHIL 2272 - sex
•  PHIL 2272 - phil of religion
• 6 classes of just random electives 
• any of the bolded minor courses that i don't ended up taking for the minor
• ENG 3410,
• ENG 3850 (intro to fiction writing)
•  4840
•  ANTH 3300
• Grims fairy tales class 
• should probably take: Hospitality 2100, 2170, and maybe 2200 - B&B

span + fine art + HUM/FA =  12 credits. 

Math:

i need 120 credits to graduate.... i have 81(including the classes i'm in now)...

thats 39 left. 39 - 18 - 6 - 12 = 3 credits.... thats 1 more class, i only need 1 more elective. 

As fun as it would be... i don't need to go to Bali....
if i did then it would wipe out that one elective, which is fine i guess. But it would put me over on credits... idk if that will be a problem. if its just 3 then i doubt it.

39 credits... i have 3 semesters left. thats 13 a semester.... I would graduate on time if i did it as 12, 12, and 15.

Because i have to have at least 12 hours a semester.... and i have one class to take the spring i graduate. (field methods) so i have to have 12 hours for that year semester.

39-12 = 27
-12 for another semester
----
15 for the third.

my next 3 semesters are going to have to stay within those parameters. This will also let me work more often....

lets see if i can glance for next semester's classes..

Goodbye Carson

I will probably add more to this later, but at the moment:

i'm not all weepy anymore, but i am still sad.
I won't be able to make it to his funeral but I will be able to go to his visitation tonight.

i'm going to ask to get off work a little early so that i can go.

i get to say goodbye.

staring at that word.

goodbye.

my eyes fill up with hot liquid.

goodbye.

I'm going to see him. laying there, motionless and sleeping.
it will be peaceful.

who knows... maybe i will feel better.

Goodbye Carson. I'm so sorry i wasn't a better friend and i didn't check up on you often. I'm so sorry i didn't even know you were in greenville lately.  I'm so sorry I didn't know you had gotten your dream job with the democratic party. Thats so great.

I'm so sorry.
Now you're gone.

You're soul has moved onto its next stage, your body remains, and that is al i have to part ways. I get to say goodbye to your body because i missed my chance to say it to your soul.

I'm never going to see your eyes, so alert, reminding me of a shark. They will never look into mine again.

I will never get to hear you make any sarcastic remarks again.


I will never get to hug you again.

Goodbye Carson.

accepted

i think its finally sunk in. I think the tears are done.

Numbness and tears

Numbness and tears. It alternates.

I made it to Spanish class.... And then fell apart. I go through periods of constant crying followed by a period of numbness. And then again. And again.

My body feels heavy. 

Sometimes it's hard to breathe. 

I've decided I'm skipping my last 2 classes- I'm staying with my best friend and her roommate. They're upbeat craziness soothes my screaming mind. I can actually smile with them.

I want to go home but I don't want to be alone. 

And here comes the burning eyes.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow after classes I want to have a time of reflection.

Death is still something I fail to grasp. I find the fact of its permanence hard to wrap my mind around. After all, the Buddha taught that nothing is permanent and everything changes - death is just a process of change. 

I will meditate tomorrow and then reflect. 

Possibly I'll use my pendulum or cards and talk with SG. 

I need to look at my life and find my imbalances, correct them, and actually live my life while I have it.

I honestly don't want to go to classes tomorrow. 

But I failed my Spanish test, and I've never failed one before, as badly as I did.

So I need to meet up with my professor and go over it.

....

I don't want to go to sleep. But I want to sleep forever. I want to get rid of this heaviness in my body, I want to distract myself with something that will make me happy.

But I have morning classes. So I'll sleep.

I don't want to sleep.

Shocked

Nothing like shock to put you out of your head into reality. 

Carson is dead.

What.

How to process this....

He was my first friend I maid when I started at foodlion. He left after a year of me starting. But I considered him my only friend for about 6 months.

He's gone.

Death is but a passage - he's simply moving on. I know that.

But I can't stop the tears.

The anger.

The sadness.

The guilt... I hadn't talked to him in months... 

What kind of friend am I?

Now he's gone.

I'm so sorry Carson... Reduced to "23 year old man found dead in car off I-440 in Raleigh".... 

That's all they said. 

No details.

No word on any kind of service.

Gerald must be heartbroken - you guys still being together gave me hope.

Death parted you before you could even make the vows.

Goodbye Carson.

Unbalanced

You know you're having a bad day when you walk out into a parking lot and hope you get hit by a car.

Or when you see your reflection, note how beautiful you are, and have the urge to claw your own face.

Something is off. There is something that I'm doing that is causing an imbalance in my life and it is causing me to have a negative phase.

Add that with the missed doses of meds last week and my bipolar is kicking in.

Do not be alarmed - this too shall pass.

...

I really will end up alone won't I....

comment/friend

on a brighter note....

so i made a friend i  my nonfiction english class.
he's kinda awesome.


after sharing the first bit in the class (the oe about why i write and being alone in highschool) he asked me about my blog. I was shocked, hesitant but figured, why not?
so i gave it to him.

I'm glad i did. He is just such a kind person.

and then when i posted my memoir, which i titled "Lightning"
(Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-lj29hqtc_l4OKMpr4reM0oOYquG7le-B9ffbj0naoo/edit?usp=sharing )

here was his comments:

Oh. My. God. 

Sooo you and I talked about this in class, and I had, like, so much to say, but didn't know where to start! I'm really glad that I have this comment section to fully praise this piece. 

Having read it a second time for reference, I wanted to just skim it for the major talking points, but I found myself completely and utterly captivated by the way you tell this story. 

• You've got that catchy theme that goes along with your title that really does a splendid job of giving your thoughts and emotions weight and depth, which is awesome! I also love how you're able to wrap it all up with that "Lightning" theme at the end.
• I adore the examples you used with the sim characters, and the barbies. I found it really fun and interesting for that sort of aspect being in your life for so long. 
• The flow of your story fits very well; I pretty much never came across an aspect of the story that felt clunky, superfluous, or out of place. I'd like to add that your transitions are very powerful and appropriate.
• Your writing really works for me because it blends both complex, poetic language into an easy-to-read package. 

Another thing I would like to sort of tack onto this is how much it resonated with me as a person. This might sound a little biased because I've read your blog, and have more of an insight into the kind of person you are, but I really have to say this. When I read your piece, there were a couple parts in which I felt really, REALLY sad. This is not only because I can relate in a way, but because of the parts that you said things like "I couldn't be one of them," or "I wasn't good at being gay". For me, it feels so dehumanizing to imagine being alienated because of who you are. You couldn't fully accept who you were purely because you were afraid what those around you would think, do, or say. Maybe those feelings aren't as profound as they were when you were younger, but not being able to fully come to terms with who you are, at least to me, is an absolutely horrifying thought. As someone who's kind of still figuring out his sexuality, I feel that it is so very refreshing to read.

Seeing as how I'm on the hype-train for this story, I can't think of a thing that I didn't love about it. I'm sorry I couldn't be really helpful in terms of revision, but I felt that it was my responsibility to express how much I personally loved it. If I've absolutely gotta come up with something, it'd be that the story is maybe a littttle bit off on the ratios of summary and reflection. I think that the story *might* be a little summary-sided, but I could be totally wrong; I think the story works very well the way it is now.

Okay, okay, I'll stop fangirling! xD 

Lisa, you're a great writer, and a great person, and I'd like to thank you for writing this piece. It was very touching, and I'm really glad that the outcome was ultimately optimistic!

this made me cry. I was so happy.
first off, he complimented my writing style and that was nice. but it was the fact that it actually meant something to him... that's what did it. The fact that he found my peice sad, surprised me, since i didn't find it sad... but then i did. He picked up on the underlying pain in my writing, that i hadn't realized i put in there. When he mentioned that.... i felt like he saw me. like he actually saw me, as who i am and not the me that i am putting out into the world on a daily basis. It was refreshing and overwhelming to encounter someone who honestly saw me. it made me cry.

And the fact that he is so compassionate and kind about what he saw/sees, only makes it better. I'm glad i gave him by blog. I'm glad i let someone other than my one or two close friends have a glimpse into who i am. And to him, i say thank you.

apprehension

Something is wrong.
i don't know what it is.... but something is wrong.
its lie when you play a video game, and the enemy's music comes on, but you can't see the enemy.... that anxiety and apprehension....

thats where i am now.
i feel it in my chest. i feel it in my shoulders.

i know its probably the bipolar kicking in, since i missed some doses of my eds last week.
this sucks.

but what am i anxious about? I know that anxiety is always caused by underlying factors so lets see if i can figure out what... that was i thinking about when i first felt the anxiety grab me?

• her - i still can't figure out if she has lost interest in me.... someone else is showing interest and i don't know if i should encourage it or not. 
• Corie 
•  corie sent me a message about the blog post. she isn't mad or anything, but apparently she didn't mean to come off as pressuring in the relationship. She really cared about me, and apparently had been trying to compete with jake on some level. Not everything with Corie was bad.... we really did make good friends. The only real tension in the relationship - at least on my end- revolved around sex. I think it was like, the more corie cared - the more she wanted sex. whereas sex has no emotional influence for me. big problem.  Things just changed later that night... i drew a line and stopped giving in, which caused tension which grew and drive us apart. 
• Another problem was that i was never in love with her. She wanted me to be, but i wasn't. I haven't been in love since october 2013.  And i honestly wonder if i ever will be again..... i can like someone. I liked staci (that even had potential to grow), and i liked corie. i can even say that i loved corie.... but i wasn't in love with her. I use that word very hesitantly now... i will easily say "i love you" to my friends, but i don't say it to people i'm dating because to them it will have a different meaning that i don't want them to think. 
• I will be forever alone. 
• am i okay with that?
• writing the memoir for class brought up my fears. 

Honstly i just want someone to hold me, tell me what whatever is is wrong will be alright. 

Everything will be fine. 

I really just want to go back home, curl up under the covers, and drift into warm calm, nothingness. 

FAERIECON 2k16

JENNA IS COMING WITH ME!!! FUCK YEAH


get 2 day passes

https://www.hotels.com/hotel/details.html?q-check-out=2016-11-06&q-check-in=2016-11-04&WOE=7&WOD=5&q-room-0-children=0&pa=3&tab=description&hotel-id=116588&q-room-0-adults=2&YGF=14&MGT=2&ZSX=0&SYE=3

holiday inn 2 nights, 4-6 checkout on 6

6.5 mile drive -> MAKE GPS AVOID TOLLS
$115 a night to be safe....

plus 100$ spending money
$100 tickets

the weekend will cost me = 315$

Jenna help pay for room....
gas also a factor.

i pay for gas going up, she pays for gas to fill me up when we get in greenville.

pressure - WARNING: SEX TALK and RAPE TALK

okay so i have had it with rape culture.

why is it okay to force sex on someone who doesn't want it?
why is it okay to pressure someone into doing something when they don't want it?
why is it okay for someone to think that if the person "trusts them" then it will all be okay?


just because i trust you doesn't mean that i want to do a certain sexual act with you. It doesn't make it okay for you to try to pressure me. It doesn't make it okay for you to get frustrated and angry with me for sticking up for myself and drawing a line.


**this is in reference to something that happened in the past while i was dating corie, but with all the rape and talk of nonconsenting sexual advances going around it keeps flashing in my mind. **



i do not like penetration. it scares me.

there was a time when i was dating corie, that she wanted to use a toy on me for penetration. i could tell she really wanted to, it was important to her, so i agreed. but as soon as she brought it out i changed my mind.

i tried to talk myself into letting it happen. but i couldn't. It was OBVIOUS i didn't want to anymore. i kept my legs as tightly closed as possible. I was almost in tears. Still she seemed to ignore that.

So, when i realized that she wasn't going to back off, i voiced my change of mind. She tries to soothe my fears, by letting me hold the toy, by trailing it up and down my leg. telling me to "trust" her. As if that was the issue.

she proceeded to try to change my mind. telling me how i would like it. How if it was a matter of lubrication, that she had some. That she would start out slow, so it didn't hurt.

every word hit me like a knife.

i left, and tried not to cry on my way home. Once safely parked in my driveway, i broke. i sobbed. my SG came to comfort me, i was in that much emotional distress.

I felt guilty and weak. Corie was mad. I was a coward. these repeated in my mind.
but at the same time....  how dare she try to press the issue when i voiced non consent. how DARE she try to pressure me into it? how dare she get angry and frustrated at me?

i wasn't weak, i was strong enough to take myself out of a situation that was going into dangerous waters.

She had been in the heat of the moment but for me, when she brought that thing out, it was as if i had been thrown in ice water. the fact that she still tried to convince me after i said no was a betrayal.

and so i wept again.

it was after that day that i think i knew in my mind and heart that things wouldn't be the same, and that the relationship would end. It was subconscious, but i knew.

even now, over a year later, it still boils my blood. still puts ice in my veins knowing i almost allowed myself to be in that situation, which i know would have traumatized me.


I didn't want it.

Now i look back to the first time i ever got drunk. I was scared because i had never felt that way before. I felt utterly helpless. I could barely walk, and even needed help sitting up or laying down.


I know why cowards wait and get girls drunk to rape them. They wait until the girls are helpless and can't fight back. They make it so that their victims can't do what i did with corie - they can't remove themselves.

and yet society says it's okay?

fuck that.

I said no, and it wasn't good enough, so i left. 
if someone says no - IT MEANS FUCKING NO.
do NOT try to change their mind. 
do NOT try to guilt trip them by saying it's a matter of trust. 
if they are unconscious - DO NOT proceed to use them for sex.

rape is rape and rape is a crime that to me, should be punishable by death or castration.
(or death by full castration.... cut it off and let the fuckers bleed to death.... as for female rapists, let it be death or chemical castration)

i was uneasy about sex in the past, and after dating corie that uneasiness is stronger - but so am i.

 My voice is louder and firmer when i say "no" now. I say it faster and with more confidence. I know what i want, and if sex is not part of that, i will not be swayed. that may mean i will be single for the rest of my life, it may not. i don't know but what i do know, is that i will draw a line; nothing will make me cross it unless I WANT to.


granted i repeat - my experience happened over a year ago. When Corie saw that i would not change my mind, she backed off. But she was angry/frustrated and i was hurt (hurt feelings, not physically) so i left.

Corie did back off. 
but it is apparent in today's society that not everyone will.

and that is fucked up.

update faerie

so, she is an energy reader. she knew i was a faerie by how i "felt".

she said for me to look up how they talk about energy in true blood - about how some energies are light and just attract others without anyone knowing why.

she says thats how i am.

makes sense i guess, farie charm?

I FOUND ANOTHER FAERIE

"Do you know that you are a faerie?" these words echoed in my ears, freezing my body mid-step and preventing further movement. Did i really just hear those words? I look up at the tall graceful young woman in front of me, who was making her way out of the door. Quickly recovering and hustling after her i try to spit out the one thought screaming in my mind.

"h-h-HOW do you know that!!?" i say as i catch up to her, my eyes probably about the size of dinner plates. No one but my closer intercircle of friends knew that i believe that i am a faerie reincarnated as a human. there was no possible way for a stranger who i had never talked to, to know that. Her answer was one, i had never thought i would hear in my entire life.

"I am one too." She smiled big and we made promises to get each other's contact info the next time we had class. Then like that, she was gone.

another faerie.
i found another faerie.

of course i had read and knew i wasn't the only fae-kin in the world, but i have never actually met one. spoken to one.

and there had been another one sitting across the room from me.


She believed in reincarnation.
She knew about spirit circles/spirit groups.

She claimed to be a faerie.
and knew that i was one as well, without ever having met/spoken to me.


holy shit guys.
i found another faerie.
i'm not alone.

holy shit.

That dream last night...

That dream last night is still lingering in my mind.

It wasn't very symbolic and literally means what I think it does at face value. It was just a showing of my basic wishes and hopes, ending with a physical manifestation of my fears and doubts about the whole crush situation. 

The anxiety and sense of power that came at the end being set aside, the good parts still filter my thoughts. I wish that could happen... It was such a sweet feeling. 

Doesn't help me slow down the whole crush/feelings thing, but it was nice.

fitness ritual

so i think i might actually develop a fitness ritual.

I'll start with a 10-20 minute workout on cardio machines... then do a mile. Our track is small so it will take 7 laps to make the mile, i run one, walk one. Hopefully when i get my time down (it took me about 12-15 minutes today - i forgot to time myself) i will move it up to two miles.

I want to work on my cardio and endurance. Maybe if i get good, i will walk a lap, run 5, and walk the last one to cool down and that will be my new ritual. i have a long way to go to get to that point, but the point i i'm going to try.

Granted, this is my second time doing the mile, but last time i couldn't run a lap in its entirity. Today i did.

Last time i had a very painful heart palpitation. today it was less painful.

who knows.... maybe this will stop them completely.

But... I need to get in better shape.



I just need to remember to stretch before and after... i forgot to do that today.

But hey... its a start.

**** i plan to do this every tuesday/thursday.

apparently as a beginner i should be working out 20-30 minutes 3-5 times a week..... i will be doing it 30-40 minutes twice a week. oh well.

Breathe and back off

Okay so I need to breathe and back off. My crush level is too high for knowing her for so short a time. 

The last few times I've tried to invite her out she has been busy.... My paranoia is kicking in.

So, I need to breathe, calm down, and back off. I shouldn't be the one perusing her, it should be other way around - that's how it started out anyway. She was asking me to hang out.... So I'll leave the ball in her court. 

If she wants to hang out then she will ask. I need to have a day of self control - no snapping, texting, or social media stalking to/of her. 

Tomorrow I will do nothing in that regards - get myself some distance. 

I was so excited to hang out with her tonight, but her maybe turned into a no, and now I'm disappointed. 

Breathe and step back. 

Thad what I'm going to do.

Hurricane weekend

So.... I was supposed to work every day during this weekend. But in s moment of compassion and laziness I have two of my 4 shifts to a coworker so that she can make her car payment this month. 

Now I have today and Monday free.

I know what I WANT to do.

I want to hang out with her but.... 

A) I don't want to over crowd her, even though i havnt hung out with her since Monday. 

B) some asshole ran her off the road (she rides a bike to school) and she crashed into an iron gate, so she's in pain and probably doesn't want to hang out. 

Sooooo I have nothing to do but some wiring for school this hurricane weekend. (And work a short shift tomorrow) 

Sharing

In non fiction writing class I had to share my writing. Or rather.... The professor did. I ended up in tears.

Weak. I'm weak. I still struggle when looking Into the painful past. But it's so easy to put it out there... So hard to take it back in by rereading it.

I was still shaking ten minutes later. I even had to leave the roo after people for my next class came in because I started crying again.

To answer the question of what I wrote, I wrote about Highschool. The loneliness. I didn't actually go into any details, but I mentioned the bipolar. I didn't mention a lot. The pain. Fear. How breathing and living was agony.  I probably wouldn't have even been able to open my mouth if I had.

My heart is still pumping. My chest still hurts although my hands have stopped trembling.

So many memories.