pressure - WARNING: SEX TALK and RAPE TALK

okay so i have had it with rape culture.

why is it okay to force sex on someone who doesn't want it?
why is it okay to pressure someone into doing something when they don't want it?
why is it okay for someone to think that if the person "trusts them" then it will all be okay?


just because i trust you doesn't mean that i want to do a certain sexual act with you. It doesn't make it okay for you to try to pressure me. It doesn't make it okay for you to get frustrated and angry with me for sticking up for myself and drawing a line.


**this is in reference to something that happened in the past while i was dating corie, but with all the rape and talk of nonconsenting sexual advances going around it keeps flashing in my mind. **



i do not like penetration. it scares me.

there was a time when i was dating corie, that she wanted to use a toy on me for penetration. i could tell she really wanted to, it was important to her, so i agreed. but as soon as she brought it out i changed my mind.

i tried to talk myself into letting it happen. but i couldn't. It was OBVIOUS i didn't want to anymore. i kept my legs as tightly closed as possible. I was almost in tears. Still she seemed to ignore that.

So, when i realized that she wasn't going to back off, i voiced my change of mind. She tries to soothe my fears, by letting me hold the toy, by trailing it up and down my leg. telling me to "trust" her. As if that was the issue.

she proceeded to try to change my mind. telling me how i would like it. How if it was a matter of lubrication, that she had some. That she would start out slow, so it didn't hurt.

every word hit me like a knife.

i left, and tried not to cry on my way home. Once safely parked in my driveway, i broke. i sobbed. my SG came to comfort me, i was in that much emotional distress.

I felt guilty and weak. Corie was mad. I was a coward. these repeated in my mind.
but at the same time....  how dare she try to press the issue when i voiced non consent. how DARE she try to pressure me into it? how dare she get angry and frustrated at me?

i wasn't weak, i was strong enough to take myself out of a situation that was going into dangerous waters.

She had been in the heat of the moment but for me, when she brought that thing out, it was as if i had been thrown in ice water. the fact that she still tried to convince me after i said no was a betrayal.

and so i wept again.

it was after that day that i think i knew in my mind and heart that things wouldn't be the same, and that the relationship would end. It was subconscious, but i knew.

even now, over a year later, it still boils my blood. still puts ice in my veins knowing i almost allowed myself to be in that situation, which i know would have traumatized me.


I didn't want it.

Now i look back to the first time i ever got drunk. I was scared because i had never felt that way before. I felt utterly helpless. I could barely walk, and even needed help sitting up or laying down.


I know why cowards wait and get girls drunk to rape them. They wait until the girls are helpless and can't fight back. They make it so that their victims can't do what i did with corie - they can't remove themselves.

and yet society says it's okay?

fuck that.

I said no, and it wasn't good enough, so i left. 
if someone says no - IT MEANS FUCKING NO.
do NOT try to change their mind. 
do NOT try to guilt trip them by saying it's a matter of trust. 
if they are unconscious - DO NOT proceed to use them for sex.

rape is rape and rape is a crime that to me, should be punishable by death or castration.
(or death by full castration.... cut it off and let the fuckers bleed to death.... as for female rapists, let it be death or chemical castration)

i was uneasy about sex in the past, and after dating corie that uneasiness is stronger - but so am i.

 My voice is louder and firmer when i say "no" now. I say it faster and with more confidence. I know what i want, and if sex is not part of that, i will not be swayed. that may mean i will be single for the rest of my life, it may not. i don't know but what i do know, is that i will draw a line; nothing will make me cross it unless I WANT to.


granted i repeat - my experience happened over a year ago. When Corie saw that i would not change my mind, she backed off. But she was angry/frustrated and i was hurt (hurt feelings, not physically) so i left.

Corie did back off. 
but it is apparent in today's society that not everyone will.

and that is fucked up.