apprehension

Something is wrong.
i don't know what it is.... but something is wrong.
its lie when you play a video game, and the enemy's music comes on, but you can't see the enemy.... that anxiety and apprehension....

thats where i am now.
i feel it in my chest. i feel it in my shoulders.

i know its probably the bipolar kicking in, since i missed some doses of my eds last week.
this sucks.

but what am i anxious about? I know that anxiety is always caused by underlying factors so lets see if i can figure out what... that was i thinking about when i first felt the anxiety grab me?

• her - i still can't figure out if she has lost interest in me.... someone else is showing interest and i don't know if i should encourage it or not. 
• Corie 
•  corie sent me a message about the blog post. she isn't mad or anything, but apparently she didn't mean to come off as pressuring in the relationship. She really cared about me, and apparently had been trying to compete with jake on some level. Not everything with Corie was bad.... we really did make good friends. The only real tension in the relationship - at least on my end- revolved around sex. I think it was like, the more corie cared - the more she wanted sex. whereas sex has no emotional influence for me. big problem.  Things just changed later that night... i drew a line and stopped giving in, which caused tension which grew and drive us apart. 
• Another problem was that i was never in love with her. She wanted me to be, but i wasn't. I haven't been in love since october 2013.  And i honestly wonder if i ever will be again..... i can like someone. I liked staci (that even had potential to grow), and i liked corie. i can even say that i loved corie.... but i wasn't in love with her. I use that word very hesitantly now... i will easily say "i love you" to my friends, but i don't say it to people i'm dating because to them it will have a different meaning that i don't want them to think. 
• I will be forever alone. 
• am i okay with that?
• writing the memoir for class brought up my fears. 

Honstly i just want someone to hold me, tell me what whatever is is wrong will be alright. 

Everything will be fine. 

I really just want to go back home, curl up under the covers, and drift into warm calm, nothingness.