i'm not okay.
and thats okay.
I think Carson's death may have triggered a depressive phase.
not just a normal depressive phase....
i have type 2 depressive bipolar with violent tendencies.
the violent tendencies are coming out.
i feel them. whispering. tempting me.
i feel the depression.
the fog....
the pressure...
my mind is swimming in the river of bipolar with currents going both directions at once.
my medication is a thick layer of ice that usually keeps me above the water's grasp...
but the ice is thin now and i'm sinking.
i'm not okay.
and thats okay.
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ReplyDeleteI know I comment on everything, but I just wanted to say...
ReplyDeleteYou know that the people who love you, myself included, will always be here to support you! :)
Maybe that's not enough, though. It's not fair that you have to struggle with so much. It's not fair that you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. I sincerely wish that I could carry some of that weight for you.
I know you're really strong, Lisa, and you might not see an end in sight, but I know that things will be better. I know you'll be truly happy and not just feeling like "I'm alive."
Like I said, I wish I could offer more than words, but I hope they help, even if just a tiny little bit. I know you probably have other friends that you're more comfortable reaching out to, but know that I'm always a text away if you need me. <3
Thank you. I'm reaching out to my dr on Monday to schedule an appointment. I'll be okay eventually. It's just this one seems stronger than usual and I'm already so tired of fighting it.
ReplyDelete