Goddesses

So the two goddesses that possessed me on Sunday:


- Naginidevi:
Psychologically, Nagas symbolize spiritual seekers. Magickally, they come to the aid of other beings, who are sincere seekers, helping them discover the hidden treasures of the spirit. Nagas will help keep sincere beings on their spiritual path. - protector of women and benevolent until offended. Seen as goddess of fertility and protector of family and marriage. Found at fresh water. 



- Xochiquetzal

was a goddess associated with concepts of fertility, beauty, and female sexual power, serving as a protector of young mothers and a patron of pregnancy, childbirth, and the crafts practised by women such as weaving and embroidery. In pre-Hispanic Maya culture, a similar figure is Goddess I. - kidnapped by Aztec god of war whom was often made blood sacrifices, which may be why she wanted or expected blood as an offering. 

- last night I got visited by Bast. She needs no explanation. 

Goddess

So Sunday I did shrooms. It was life changing.

If I know one thing, it’s that yes - shamanism is my thing.

During my trip I had visions of the core of magic. Saw ancient symbols as glowing blue glyphs behind my eyes. I became raw energy. My soul left my body at least 3 times, if Jimmie hasn’t pulled me back I’m sure I would have died.

I was possessed by several animal spirits including bear (after which I wa able to be with a baby bear as he was dieing. He has been hit by a car and was scared and alone somewhere north where it was snowing and I could smell evergreen trees.) there was also snake, and fox and one other animal I’m not sure who it was.

Then there was the goddesses. The first spirit I channeled was snake, this opened me up for the Hindu/Buddhist goddess Nagini to take over my body. I was also possessed by an Aztec or Mayan goddess - and she was interesting and terrifying. Nagini was powerful and dangerous but actually had no intent to harm Jimmie - just the opposite, she wanted to keep him forever; although she might have picked up on my feelings for him. The other goddess wanted blood. Either his or mine - she didn’t care but she felt she was owed blood. I was able to take control over my body out of fear for jimmie - but she still was with me.

Jimmie, being the empath that he is took one look at her/me and asked if she wanted blood. All we could do was nod; and he pointed out that she had already been given blood - my menstrual blood. as soon as he said that she was gone.

Both goddesses left and didn't return, but they left me with a gift. Every person had divine masculine and feminine energy.... they left me with the ability to access my divine feminine energy. After they were gone, i became a goddess on my own as divine feminine energy coarsed through me. It was peaceful and euphoric and chaotic and demanding and i felt more alive than i ever had before. It was similar to the other two goddesses but it was my own energy, not the energy of another. Jimmie saw it all. He says he can't unsee it and that he still sees me in that way... and he seems truly sincere when he says it. His eyes get more green and take on an almost humbled look.

when the trip ended i was worried that i wouldn't be able to feel that way again without the aid of mushrooms, but last night in my sleep i felt the divine energy take over me and i felt like a goddess again. I felt at peace again. I felt powerful despite my human body. the feeling lasted for hours before fading just before i had to get up for the day.


I would also like to point out that i have not had a single suicidal thought nor felt the desire to die since sunday. I actually have a desire to live. its a new feeling.

Group night

td group night tonight... which means cuddles and feel good times... and gusss who’s out?

Me, fae.

I hope the percentages change and lean in Lisa favor because I’m not feeling warm, cozy, and cuddly.
And I’m not in the mood to fake anything. I’m feeling blunt  and honest.

Ayla has only heard about me being frisky. Poly girl doesn’t know me and of Lisa has her way she won’t.  I’m not in the mood for any of this.

Who do you think told Lisa to go hermit?

Gods above let the percentages shift.
But if I’m out then that means I’m needed.

I am not pleased nor am I in the mood to please.
I’m in the mood to be feared and appeased.

I’m on the hunt. Beware.

Hermit week itinerary

• Cats - flea treatment ASAP, cut nails
• Research - faery shamanism, GRE, Grad schools 
• Self care - eat in and eat balanced, mask, baths, vitamins, remove claws, meditate, get tested
• Reflect - blog, readings, make decisions 
• Reconnect - go for walks in nature center, Amy, writing, meditation 
• Catch up - pay for the rest of the cruise, school work I’ve missed

The hermit

The hermit card: Just like with the Strength card, you may even more so be in the frame of mind that you need some time alone - don't be afraid to take it. Even if it's just a five minute walk around the house so that you can clear your head. This is also very much a card about "trying very hard to do the right thing." Just make sure that "doing the right thing" includes doing what is right for you personally, and not just worrying about the wants and needs of others.

It’s time for me to be the hermit. I need some alone time to really process what is going on, how I’m feeling, where I’m going.... I need time to reflect. 

And yes. I’m being a coward at the same time. I’m fighting my instincts which are telling me that yes, this is going to hurt me and out of self preservation I need to run. Run fast and far.

But I’m not going to do that. 

I’m going to take some time for myself, by myself, and reflect. I’m going to research and delve into spirituality for a time.

Starting Monday then hermit begins. 

Goddamn it.

I keep ducking up.

So I’ve been in a shit mood since Jimmie and I have driven back to Greenville after visiting his family. And bless his heart, he put up with it.

My brain really doesn’t make sense. I was upset over a single ducking word.

He’s been talking to this girl Kate. Which I’m okay with for the most part. He asked if I minded if he has a fling with her, and I took that as just sex. A friend, with benefits so to speak. Fine.

But then in the car he was talking about waiting and putting off having a relationship with her until things with me and Ayla are solid and settled.

I got jealous over the word relationship. Because to me that involves emotions and it made me jealous. And not my usual cold jealous which manifests as anxiety, I got hot jealous which manifested as me getting mad.

And he could tell. The con of dating an empath is it’s almost impossible to hide something from them. So of coarse he asked what was up.

Then I had this whole arguement in my brain about Wether to tell him or not, except both voices in my head sounded the same. One said to tell him and the other said there was no point since he literally just said he WASNT going to have a relationship with her (...yet) and that I was getting jealous over nothing. I don’t know which voice was mine and which wa fae but I ended up not talking And just feeling like crap.

And he could tell. But it’s just insecure girl brain. And the second voice was right.

I had a slight inclination to talk to Ayla about it but she’s asleep and I don’t think it would have done any good.

Truth is I’m a coward and don’t want to admit to having a problem because of coarse I’m going to be the one to fuck everything up.

The most important thing in any relationship, especially a poly one, is communication.


And I suck at it.

And of coarse I know I’m being irrational. Which I why I didn’t want to say anything. So I blog about it and then ignore it or bury it. Like the proper self destructive person that I am.

And when I think about it, I don’t get jealous of Ayla because I’m dating her too. Ayla has other partners but from what I gather they are almost purely sexual. And I don’t get jealous over Ayla because I haven’t had the chance to get as emotionally attached to her the way I have with Jimmie.


What if I can’t do the open poly? I’m going to fuck everything up.

Goddamit. Every time.

juggler

i'm bad at juggling.... i keep dropping balls and i need to at least see what balls i have,

1. school - classes, planning for grad school maybe. idk. 
2. work 1 - foodlion
3. work 2 - bistro 
4. social life - both partners, steadily shrinking friend group
5. self care - eating, sleeping, taking my meds, showering, etc
6. responsibilities - bills, cats, taxes, etc.
7. spirituality - my inner circle,readings, meditation, gods, looking into shamanism. (more on that last one in future blog posts)

i can tell you right now that both 2 and 3 aren't bringing in enough money for 5 and 6. 

the balls ive been dropping the most?

5 and 7.i'm not taking care of myself physically, mentally, or spiritually. 6 too, the cats need flea treatments; poor things are getting eaten up. I’ve been neglecting them and I feel bad. 

gods above i need more hands.

I think I might need to be a hermit for a week or so.

Fae got to play - sex post

So..... last night fae got to play.

Jimmie came over last night. We fooled around and I finally made it up to two fingers..... ow. But I did it. If I can do it a few more times then I might finally make it to actual penetrative sex. Scary but exciting. With Jimmie the fear is receading.

So we fooled around and then he gave me a “sex Ed lesson” in which I touched his penis.... and then when he started to have reactions to what I wa asking.... fae came out. and She gave him a blow job. Mind you it was something that I wanted to do, and it was more practical than constantly licking my fingers, but I let fae drive because she wasn’t as nervous as I was.

And then afterward she was fading and I was taking the wheel again.... until Jimmie said she was like a goddess.  Suddenly fae has the wheel and pretty much attaches him..... I’d jimmis thought I was aggressive when I made out with him, fae is doubly so.

Fae is a total dim, I’m a sub that likes to have dominance taken from me. He seduced her and then pretty much has to hold on and enjoy the ride because he set her off.

Then when she has her fun again I got to be me, got sweet goodnight kisses and then slept amazingly well.

But good lord. Frannie, brooks, and Bigus were right. When I do fully awaken sexually I’m going to be a monster....

However this also helps because faeriw magic is sensual and sexual.

And boy is fae ready.

Thruple

So I guess..... I’m in a thruple.

This girl that Jimmie has been talking to also happens to be interested in me. Her name is Ayla and she and I get along great.

Well I guess we are a thruple. And while she has had multiple sex partners, this I her first time Actualluy dating anyone - and she’s dating a couple.

Granted I’ve already felt mild jealousy, and I’m concerned with making sure she doesn’t get uncomfortable. Like I hesitate to kiss Jimmie infront of her, I don’t want her to feel left out.
I also just need to become more comfortable with her; friendly reminder I am actually shy.

But like I’m also scared that a he will end up liking her more and leave me.... and I have become emotionally invested in this thing we have. Like I just have this sneaking anxiety.

I’ve always been curious about poly, and now I’m actually experiencing it. It’s new and I’ve got a lot to learn.

But for the time being I’m having fun and just  going with it.

I have a male partner
I have a girlfriend

I’m in a thruple.

Maggie

So Maggie sent me. Song called “Bastards” by Kesha. It’s dqwwr and made me cry. Then aha sent me this;

“Seriously, just let it go. You are too good to be treated like shit. I used you as a punching bag and I shouldn’t have. You really deserve better.

You need to realize though that pain is no excuse. It was literally inexcusable. Just like what you’re going through now. No excuses. All I can do is make it up to you.

I’m sorry for the pain you’re in.”


And now we are talking about birthday plans to mertyl beach.

I love her. I’ve missed her so much.

I really needed to hear this

Hard

gods above this is so hard. Fighting these thoughts. It would just be so easy. So simple. By the time I finished writing goodbyes and sending them the pills would kick in and I could just go to sleep.
No more pain or worry or anger or hurt or anything. Peace.

Saying no is so hard.

One foot than another.
Give a smile.
Keep breathing.
Fake it till you make it.

But by the gods if These waves don’t stop I’m going to break.

Drowning

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Tread water . Keep your head above the waves. Just keep swimming. Just keep breathing.

Just keep walking. Left foot. Right foot. Breathe.  Again. Left. Righ. Breathe. Again.

This will pass. Give it a few hours.

This will pass. Just give it a few weeks. 

The pain after that will pass too.

Just keep swimming. 

Lungs burning.

Limbs tired. 

Just keep swimming.

Just keep swimming. 

Please.

Cutting myself down

Brooks am sure I are the hanged man..... well I'm cutting myself down.

Brooks wants to push me away then fine. I'll leave. I'm done trying. I'm done holding out the hope that he will get over himself . He will never apologize but I was hoping his anger would at least dissipate. But no. And I've had enough.

I've been like a yoyo with him. He pushes me away and I come right back. I'm not a you and this time I'm not coming back unless he actively tries to pull me back. But he won't. He said tok prideful and spiteful.

But missing him and caring so much, holding out how and being disappointed every time I see him has been making me suicidal. I've written two notes, almost gone through it twice in the past week.

He's not worth it. I love him so much it hurts me and it needs to stop.

When you get gangrene in your foot you chop it off.

He has isolated me, I'm gong to lose most of my friends by doing this but I have to. Self preservation.


No longer will I be the hanged man. I'm taking action and cutting myself down.


And it hurts. So badly.

um...update?

so ive been seeing this therapist. mondays, this is our third session.

generally they see people for 4 or 5 sessions before referring them to someone else for long term help.

i don't need long term help. i mean, i enjoy therapy, i forgot how much it makes me feel better, but its not something i need. i'm not about to start paying 60-70$ a month for 30 minute sessions again.

however my pill dr, who happens to be a psychiatrist (he does't do the therapy part tho), works at the student health center and my therapist is going to reach out so that i can see him here for free instead of paying 50$ every 3 months.

i'm thinking about asking to up my bipolar meds dosage.

te ups and downs latley even though ive been taking them like i'm supposed to it getting rough.

i'm manic for like 4 hours and then i crash.

i get really low and then fae takes over.

i wrote 2 suicide notes the other day.  was going to OD on my anxiety pills. took a nap and woke up with fae in the drivers seat until i went to work and started feeling better.

my episodes aren't lasting days the way they use to. they are lasting hours and then shifting or leveling off.

it wierd.

and i need to let my Dr know.


ugh.


but that also means Dr Wright is about to find out about fae from the lady therapist ive been talking to.

oh boi.

mending friendship spell

needed:

• 2 candles, pink or white - perhaps a deep blue
• pink: Positive self love, friendship, harmony, joy
•  white:Destruction of negative energy, peace, truth and purity
•  blue: Meditation, Healing, Forgiveness, Inspiration, Fidelity, Happiness, and opening lines of Communication
•  sigils 
•  
  
  

• something to carve into candles
• paper and pen

1. carve the sigils onto the candles

2. write names of the friends who are fighting on a piece of paper 

3.place candles over names 

4. light candles and recite spell:

"A friend and I have had a fight

I need some help to make things right

I truly want to stay good friends

So help me, then, to make amends"

allowing the sigils to act over the people. 

OR

1. write names on candles

2. draw sigil on paper

3. place candles over sigil

4.. light candles and recite spell

"A friend and I have had a fight

I need some help to make things right

I truly want to stay good friends

So help me, then, to make amends"

allowing the two candles to become one over the sigil. 

Original Fairytale: The kelpie and the girl - needs revision

***i did some minor editing

The girl is three years old. She is precious, the kelpie thought as he followed the boat. The tiny little girl sat on her mother's lap as the father moved the oars back and forth through the river. Her sing song voice told her parents about the pretty black horse hiding in the water. The father just laughed but the mother looked somewhat uncomfortable. As well she should, the Kelpie thought. It had been years since the woman had returned to her family home in Scotland, she had all but abandoned her heritage for the american man she now called husband. Oh what fun it would be to pull him beneath the water's surface... watching his breath leave him in a parade of tiny bubbles.

"Can I pet him?" asked the child, eagerly pulling away from the mother towards the edge of the boat.

"Sure sweetie," the father said through his chuckles, "But let's get to the shore first." He smile fell a bit when he caught sight of his young wife's stern face.

"No." She said firmly. She turned the child to face her, holding the little face in both hands.  "You must never pet the black horse in the water. Kelpies are not nice." She looked deeply into the little pools of amber on the now pouting face, eyes that matched her own. She released the girl  satisfied that the child understood. The husband on the other hand, did not.

"What's the big deal?" H asked, his tone held slight irritation.

"When my father bought this land, he was told it was cursed. Over twenty people had drowned in the river that ran across the property and no would go near it. So my parent being as superstitious as they were, did research and came to believe a Kelpie guarded the area." Her unease pleased the kelpie, it meant she remembered everything.

"What is a Kelpie?" The husband asked, his tone implying she was foolish to believe in whater it was.

"Its a nature spirit.... a faerie of sorts." The husband snorted, interrupting her, but she continued on. "They appear as black horses and live in lakes or rivers. They are known drown people and eat them." At that the husband laughed outright, seeming unaware that his toddler was staring past him intently, smiling at the dark creature directly behind her father.

"Faeries? Don't tell me you believe in the-" He grunted as one of the oars was almost ripped from his grasp. "Must have hit a rock...." He muttered. He looked at the alarm on hi wife's face. "What?"

"Don't disrespect them. My family owns this land, as such the kelpie is less inclined to harm us... but if you insult it then-"

"Nothing." The husband cut her off, seemingly fed up with the conversation. They breached the shore and he got out, pulling the canoe deeper into the sand. "Nothing will happen. They don't exist and frankly i never knew you were so superstitious." His tone conveyed his disdain and disapproval so the wife didn't continue. She merely looked out over the river anxiously, holding her wiggling daughter closer to her. Stupid man.... thought the kelpie, but he was glad that the young woman hadn't forgotten about him. Looking over her mother's shoulders, she waved happily to the black horse waiting in the water.

-------

 The girl is now a few years older.

Despite the wishes of her father, her mother had continued to teach her to respect it, lest she anger the kelpie that lived there. She often enjoyed the late night stories of faeries and elves. Still young, she didn't understand why her father would get so mad at her mother for telling her stories. She loved to hear of how the kelpie killed the evildoers who had harmed her mother’s family in the past, although it had been years since the last.

“He’s the guardian of these lands; he will protect what is his.” Her mother would say solemnly.

One day she and her mother had been walking along the riverbank when they found some trash that had been thrown in… one of her father's bear cans. He had been napping at the picnic area and they took the time to enjoy the quiet, but seeing the litter agitated her mother.

"Remember love," her mother had said as she waded into the river, her pants rolled up to her knees. "Don't throw trash into the river. Always put it in the trash can." She grabbed the can from the water and made her way back to the girl. With the can in one hand, and the other holding the child's, they made their way back to the picnic. Suddenly she had a thought.

"Mum!" She said, hastily grabbing the picnic basket and running for the water. Before her mother could stop her she threw the entire thing into the water. Hearing her call out, the father awoke from his nap. He blinked in confusion and then grew angry, as he usually did after drinking.

"Why the hell would you do that?" He roared, getting up. Quickly the wife stepped in front of the child and tried to calm down her husband.  "Shut up." He grunted.  With his full angry gaze on the child she began to cry. Quickly the mother dropped down and held her.

"Why did you throw the food in the water?" She asked her daughter gently.

"The kelpie... you said it eats people but no one had drowned in years, so I thought that he might be hungry." She sniffled. The wife embraced her, half to comfort her and half to shield her from the rage she knew would come from her husband.  That night the air was full of the sounds of whimpering and the sound of flesh striking flesh.

Her father was found dead only days later.

The girl thinks about how the funeral had been over very quickly. She looked out of her bedroom window to the river that had claimed her father's life. She was sad, angry, and grateful for the river. A knock on the door brought the girl out of her reverie and back into her room as her mother entered. Without waiting to see what her mom wanted to say she blurted out what she had been questioning since she first heard about her father's death. 

"Did the kelpie kill him?" she asked.

The mom's face froze and she bent her head in shame. Without a word she nodded. The girl looked at her mother, who seemed more guilty than sad. She wanted to ask why, but although she was still just a child, she could sense that it wasn't something her mother would be able to answer at the moment.

That night she snuck out of her room and went to the river. Although she had never seen the kelpie after the first canoe ride, she remembered him very clearly. Her mother had been afraid but she didn't see why. She tried to conjure up his image, wondering if he was watching now.

"Kelpie!" she called, hoping he could hear her. She didn't want to wake her mother but she had questions and figured it was better to go to the source. When nothing happened she rolled up her pajama pants and walked into the water. It was cold against her ankles but she liked it. Because of the kelpie she wasn't allowed to be in the water alone, but she now she and it wasn't scary at all. She began to splash around, loving the way that the water made waves where her feet landed.

She heard a sound behind her and turned. Nothing. There was only the river, quietly continuing on its course. Having remembered the picnic beforehand, she pulled out a sandwich and tossed it as far as she could. Maybe food would make the kelpie come out?

child, what are you doing? a voice floated through her head. It wasn't a voice she heard with her ears but she heard it nonetheless. Looking around, but she couldn't see anything.

"Hello?" she asked, suddenly a little scared. She stopped splashing, and stood very still. Squinting her eyes she tried to see where he was. Her mother had taught her that even though they were horses, kelpies could talk. Since she heard his voice she knew he had to be close by. When she never got a response she walked a little deeper into the water. It was up to her knees now, and her pajamas were starting to get wet.

Your mother will be cross if she find you out here. He said amused. He looked at the girl, she was so small... he tilted his head when he saw her shiver. He was half tempted to stand next to her, so that his body heat would warm her, but decided against it. 

It was clear the girl had come for a reason, to prevent prolonged exposure to the cold climate he bluntly asked, What do you want child?

"Why did you kill my father?" she asked, her voice shook from fear, but her stance was defiant. The kelpie felt pride, and then puzzlement. Why did this girl stir such emotions within him? He wanted her out of the cold water so he answered her without remorse.

He angered me. He said matter-of -factly. The girl didn't know what kind of response she was expecting, but the hurt and anger she felt overwhelmed her. She never thought to ask how her father angered the kelpie, if she had then he would have told her about the bruises he had seen on the mother. The girl knew her father was an angry drunk, but the kelpie knew him to be a violent one. In her innocent ignorance, the girl kicked the water in grief and ran back to the house. The kelpie watched her go, pondering the feelings of grief. All things die... why was it so hard to part with them? The girl did not return to the river for several years.

-----------

The girl is now a teenager. She is celebrating her sixteenth birthday with her boyfriend and several friends. In the thrall of the party, she and the boy sneak off by the river. At first they are kissing and laughing and all is well. The kelpie sees them but feels no indication to interfere or make his presence known. He remains a bystander until he hears the girl's tone of voice change. She sounds agitated so he comes nearer, his curiosity turning to rage when he hears her voice turn fearful.

"I said stop!" The girl cried, her boyfriend roughly holder down on the river bank. They had both been drinking and she knew he wasn't thinking clearly, but still she felt afraid. He simply grunts and wrestles to get on top of her. She struggles but knows she is no match for him. She closes her eyes and feels tears slip down her cheeks when suddenly his weight is gone. Instead she hears a choking sound. Opening her eyes she sees a naked man infront of her, holding her drunken boyfriend off the ground by the throat.

He is a beautiful man. His build is tall and firm with the well defined muscles of a swimmer. He has a mop of black wavy hair and strong, sharp jawline. He turns his gaze from the struggling boy in his vice like grip, and looks down at her. His eyes are black and as deep as the river they are beside. She can see deadly rage there, in the black pools, and yet the soften when they meet her own. She knows immediately who this man is; the kelpie. Faeries, kelpies included, had the ability to appear human for short amounts of time. She had seen, nor heard, from him in years since her father's death and yet in a moment of crisis he appeared to her aid. The moment the realization hits her, all feelings of fear disappear.

"Go back to the party, child." He says, his voice strong and eerily familiar. She can hear his anger and knows instantly that the boy wriggling and gasping for air was not long for this world. She cast a hesitant look to the boy who only moments before would have violated her, wondering if she should say something to save him. "Go back, child. Forget what you have seen." The kelpie’s  voice sounded in her ears and she knew she should obey.

The boy's body was found a day later down river. Although the cause of death was drowning, the coroner was puzzled at what kind of scavenger had gotten a hold of the boy's corpse. Although he had only been dead for a day, half of his body had been eaten by some sort of animal. Despite half of the skin missing, the fear was still frozen in the glazed eyes.

After that, the girl was considered cursed. Within a short time, she was soon without many friends and found herself very lonely. Not knowing why, she found herself standing on the riverbed, her toes sinking in the sandy mud. She knew she wasn't cursed, nor was her land. All the death and drowning had come from the kelpie...and yet she could not feel anger towards him. She had long since gotten over her father's death and this new killing had been done in order to save her. She smiled, and timidly called out to the creature. She never saw him, but it took only a minute for him to breach the water's surface to hear her.

Her days were soon filled with school work and stress from finding a job. She remained lonely but found solace in talking to the kelpie. He never spoke back, but she still continued to talk at him, day after day. It crossed her mind, that maybe he was as lonely as she was; this thought overcame her doubt and insured her daily return to the water's edge.

--------

The girl is now a young woman. Her mother is ill and on her deathbed, tucked softly into bed, yet she can find no comfort. calling the girl to her, she says that she must confess something. When the girl asks what she is referring to, the mother makes her promise not to interrupt. Confused, the girl agrees.

"I....killed your father." The mother's now old feeble voice squeaks. "He was a very angry drunk, and he drank quite often. One night, after you had gone to bed he hit me. When he did it again, i went to the river and begged the kelpie for help." She tried to talk quickly, her guilt rushing to be released,  but had to gasp for breath. A single tear fell from her old amber eyes and the girl gently wiped it away. "If...If you ever need help.. got to him." She wheezed.

 The girl was confused; all her life the mother had told her to stay away from the kelpie and that he only brought death and bad luck. The girl said as much and was quieted by the painful look that crossed her dyeing mother's face.

"He...brings death." She said, her voice much quieter now. "But... he protects all those who he considers to belong in his territory." She closed her eyes and held her daughter's hand. "He saved my brother from drowning... he killed your father... life and death. Promise..."she huffed, her breathing growing shallow. The girl began to cry but promised. Nodding, the mother said she loved the girl and within minutes all was quiet; the old hand that held the girl's grew limp.

They buried the mother next to the father. The grief at losing her mother chased the girl away from her family home and she did not return for ten years.

-----

The girl is  now a mother and a successful business woman. She has married and had two children, a daughter and a son. Although in America, the girl made sure to teach her children all about the faeries and their tricks. She even told them about the dangerous but mysterious kelpie. Her husband, soon jealous of her success, left her to raise both children alone. After the divorce the girl returned to Scotland, eager to set eyes on the home and the river of her childhood.

The girl was nervous to approach the river, after having been gone for so long. Holding the hands of both her children, she crept to the water's edge. Calling softly to the kelpie, she prayed he would see her. It took almost no time for the kelpie to figure out who the beautiful woman was, although her face was older, he recognized his precious child. He held little resentment for her absence, although he had missed her greatly. Beautiful younglings, he said as he approached. He knew she could not see him, but the youngest child, the boy of maybe two or three, did. The boy had his mother's amber eyes and the daughter had her long red hair; both children were beautiful to him as they reflected pieces of the girl.

Once satisfied that the kelpie had accepted her children she resettled into her childhood home. Unlike her mother, the girl taught her children to respect, but not fear the kelpie. She made a pact with the creature; in exchange for never leaving Scotland again, he would never harm her children or descendants.

It was a summer day when the girl was making apple pies to surprise her children. It was her daughter's birthday and she, with friends, had been playing outside in the yard. While making the dough she had the sudden urge to check on the children. When she left the door way she was greeted by her daughter, who wore a look of pure terror.

"What is it!?" the girl snapped, fear seizing her heart. The daughter burst into tears and sobbed. Her younger brother had wandered away from the group while she was playing and had disappeared.

Barking orders for all the children to go inside, the girl ran to the river. Calling out for he son, her frantic eyes scanned the river bank. She ran down, calling out, tears almost drowning out her screams. She cried for the Kelpie to take her to her son.

It wasn't until the heard a smooth deep voice say, come, that she allowed herself to breathe.  Running down the riverbed she found her boy playing in a shallow pool fed by runoff from the river.

"What have you been doing!?" she shouted, scoping him up in her arms. Her tears of relief ran freely as she hugged him to her heart, the boy sounded confused but answered his mother happily.

"I was playing with the horsie..." He giggled and waved behind her. Turning sharply, she scanned for any sign of the kelpie. Although she knew she would not see him, her eyes still searched. Quietly, her shaking voice thanked him.

The kelpie looked at the girl, his precious girl, and smiled. He could not allow her son to drown. Although he had been trying to call one of the daughter's friends to the river, it was the boy who heard him. He resembled his mother to such an extent that the kelpie couldn't resist and allowed the boy onto his back. He almost regretted causing her such pain and worry, yet it had granted him sacred moments with her. He watched them return to the house, and resumed his tempting of the local children to his waters...

-------

The girl is now an old woman. Surrounded by loved ones, she smiles. Both of her children had brought home beautiful families. Her son, and his children had decided to move into the family home and she knew that the kelpie would continue to look after them. She knew she was dying, as did her family. They had all gathered, far and wide, to bid her farewell. Feeling more loved than she had her entire life, she waited until all were asleep under the blanket of nightfall to slowly make her way out of the house. She glanced back at the home that had brought her years of joy and many tears. Her wonderful children would carry on its legacy and she would miss them terribly. With a tired sigh she made her way to the river.

"Kelpie." She called, her voice barely audible. It took a few more calls before he heard her. Rising instantly he faced her and knew her time was short. 

Child? He asked. For the first time in many years, his heart grew heavy as he looked into her beautiful amber eyes. Her red hair was now more gray with streaks of faded rose water. He still found her lovely and precious. She blinked and when her eyes opened she gasped. Before her was a noble black horse, with a mane that looked as thick as river weeds but soft as the water's surface. Just like when she was a babe, she had the urge to pet him.

Her feeble legs carried her further into the water, the current causing her to lose her balance. Before she could fall, the strong neck of the kelpie braced her and eased her back into balance. They stared at each other for a long moment and both knowing she would be gone soon. Her breathing was already labored as she struggled to remain upright. Bending down, he made himself as low as possible, allowing her to ease herself on top of him. Her hands griped his thick mane and he slid back into the deeper water. He carried her in the water, smiling and even laughing as she rode him, until she was silent. He felt a piece of his heart break when her hands went limp and her body floated off of his back.

For the first time ever, the kelpie felt loss. The girl was dead. Her passing was peaceful and he took comfort in knowing she had seen him one last time before her soul parted with his. As per her will, when the family retrieved the body, the girl was buried with her mother and father. Ten years later, when her body had time to decay but her bones remained; she had wished them to be cleaned and returned. Her faithful son, who beheld her amber eyes, carried the bones to the river.

"She loved you." He said, his voice thick with emotion. He hoped that the kelpie had seen him and was watching now. He shook his head. His mother had always told him about the black faerie horse that lived in the river, yet he had no memory of him. His mother had wished that her bones would be returned to the kelpie and the river would unify them. Setting the bones down in the sand, he cast a final look at what once was his mother and returned to the house. It wasn't until nightfall that the kelpie approached his precious girl, and carried her into the river with him. There they remained for the rest of his days, together.

halt

things with jimmie have pretty much come to a halt.

i was doing so good experimenting and making steps forward...

but then boom. anxiety.

and when i say that i mean

BOOM ANXIETY.

the last several times weve hung out we've cuddled. maybe a few kisses here and there but cuddled. Ive actually gotten sleep over the past week.

i'm frustrated because i was doing so well.

but with a single word ("toys") the anxiety was triggered and now i don't want to be touched.

we started out with baby steps and started sprinting..... moving too fast....and now we've come to a screaming frustrating halt.


hopefully he'll be patient and wait until i can start moving again

hanged man

brooks and i have reached the hanged man.

he sees me as an enemy now and i don't know how it spiraled this far out.

all i did was visit maggie instead of going to D&D, missing a single session, and now suddenly i've betrayed him and am the enemy.

aparenlty i am nieve (i am. i know i am) and i want everyone to be just like me and i only see what i want to see.  He says i don't care how he feels - only how he perceives me.

of coarse i care how he feels. how could i not? hes my brother. but any time i get within a foot of him he expels distrust and hatred and anger and accusation. Its almost like a physical wall - how can i get through that?

i can't.

and now i am on this list with maggie and whoever else.

because i won't officially pick a side.  (although he claims that i have.... i see no sides. i only see people i love and support.)
because i won't jump on the bandwaggon of just accusing someone of breaking into his house without definitive proof.
because i chose to see friends who i hadn't seen in a while over going to a game that we have every week.

it wasn't even like i canceled on a time to sit and talk. it would have been them high off their asses, maybe him drinking - maybe not, and us playing the game. no deep conversations. no getting our feelings out. it would have just been the game.

but no. apparently i blew off important plans to consort with the enemy - now i am one too.

fuck him.

i love him so much this hurts to badly. I can't handle this level pain so i'm not. 30-70 me-fae.

she is pretty much running the show right now. i'm just curled up in the fetal position crying.

we have reached the hanged man and i can't breathe.

no guilt

i'm not feeling guilty about jimmie anymore.

granted i do feel like i have betrayed amy, but she swears that she is okay with it.

but it was Bast.

Jimmie and i were cuddling and he shifted my bast necklace.... and i was suddenly struck with how Bast would approve of what was happening. She would't be judging me, she would be proud.

so i stopped and let go of the guilt.









except now brooks knows and i think Jimmie is mad at me.

kinda anxious about that.

a lot -> warning sex talk

A lot has been happening.

Things are better with maggie. Things are much worse with Brooks.
Things are weird with amy...


its like i'm caught up in a chaotic shit sorm of a civil war.

but .

since its out now - ive been messing around with jimmie.
we started out with just cuddling for comfort since he as in so much pain. then it moved on to kissing and making out.


it has since progressed. (as of october 30th)

cunnilingus.
havnt done full penetration but used fingers.


and maybe might progress more.


i have never been this comfortable with a man before.
he is patient and gentle and understanding.

and hes helping me overcome the damage that corie did.

i'm starting to let go of the fear and the guilt.

i'm learning things about my body.


and yes - i'm still asexual. I dont see people in a sexual way; that hasn't changed.

but i'm learning to be less anti-sex.