New Decade, New Me.

i'm going to start this new decade off right.

This has been a very hard year for me. I've gone through many changes and went through the growing pains. Now We are at the cusp and i'm feeling reflective.

i went from a job that i loved but was toxic to a job that is a little less than stimulating but is safe and healthy and stable.

I went from a relationship that i loved but was toxic to a time of self appreciation and independence, to a new relationship that is safe and healthy and stable.

I went from being confident to self conscious and i'm hoping that soon my self image will once again be healthy and stable.

I went from blaming myself for all the pain i've endured to realizing that i hold on to a lot of trauma, and i'm working through it in a way that is safe and healthy and stable.

I went from unstable ideas bouncing around as to what I wanted to do in life and school... to having a set plan of action and new avenues for career development opening up for when I graduate. (Aaron's grand dad can help me get a job in tourism in Wilmington or i'll either be a hotel event coordinator or a meeting coordinator)

Once cycle of life - one with love but with so much pain and discomfort - is ending and i pray that the new one is full of love, safety, health, and stability.

I've been getting signs that i am going to struggle with my physical health, but, that this year is going to be one that is a respite. The last 2-4 years has been emotional roller coaster after rollercoaster, with small breaths of ease between them. This year will be a start to a new cycle.
i'm starting it with a new day to day but optimistic mentality, a new loving relationship, a new stable job, a new sense of maturity, and hopefully soon a new wave of spirituality. I'm ready to continue this new pattern of discovery and growth.


I hope i grow more healthy, more stable, more in love with life, more in love with my new partner, and more in love with myself.

Not enough

I honestly...
I don't know if i am ever going to get over being told i'm not enough. too much to deal with and not enough to satisfy.

 i second guess almost everything with Viking Boy because i fear that he's going to find that i'm too much to deal with... so its almost like i act up to make it happen sooner rather than later.
I sleep with him even when i'm not in the mood or don't really want to because i'm worried he's going to decide i'm not enough to satisfy him.

The absolute confidence I had grown and developed over a year.... utterly destroyed 4 words.
too much.
not enough.

I secretly believe those words because hearing them has always been an insecurity. I don't know how to get them out of my head. They make me feel undeserving.

Just when I think i'm starting to grow a bit stronger, my self esteem wants to try to climb a step higher... those words slap against me like a whip and i just want to curl up in a ball and hide.

I never felt like I was enough.... then I finally did... I felt loved, and supported, and encouraged.... only to have it end with too much and not enough.

not enough.

I wasn't enough for the man I thought I would spend my life with. How can I be sure I'll be enough for VB? How can I be sure that he's not going to get fed up and say i'm too much to handle, not worth the effort because i'm not enough to satisfy him.

I hate those words.

Not enough.

not right

Somethings not right.

I know for a fact that i blocked corie on all social media a year or two ago.

I also know that she and I were dating during the summer... because my sister hung out with us at the pool....

we dated for like... 5 months...

the "incident" happened at the end of our relationship... I wrote an angry blog about it. I wrote several angry blogs about that time in my life....

I don't remember deleting them.
I remember re-reading them right before i blocked her.

I remember being angry about her saying i didn't trust her as a means to guilt me into letting her do things i didn't like or want.

I remember writing down what happened in the incident in extreme detail, enraged.

....

none of that is there.
I can't find any of the angry posts.
I can't find hardly ANY posts from that time in my life. at all. theres like... maybe 5 of them? but theres no missing gaps in the dates of posts which would suggest posts had been deleted...


theres a post when we started dating on 6/11/15
theres a post less than a month later of the "incident" but its submissive and sad on 7/4/15
then theres a post about our break up 9/28/15


where is everything? Nothing is as I remember it.
Unless there was a second incident closer to the break up?

because it happened. then a week later we broke up.

but the blog suggests there was 2 months in between...  most of which i don't remember and then the one thing i do remember i thought happened before the incident....

nothing is right.
the timeline is all wrong and confused in my head.

I'm freaking out.

family

so Viking boy has children... a young son and a young niece.

I've gotten to meet them and the rest of his family and honestly... they're all wonderful. 

I really like his mom, she reminds me of mine. 

Still harbor a lot of fear about moving forward but as Queen Mab said... go into the unknown and manifest what i want. I really hope things last with him.. maybe its safe to love his family... maybe its not. 

I miss Jimmie's family so much. His grandma and his aunt.... I thought that they would be my family. I miss them so much. I miss them so much. Losing him also meant losing them. 

Do i dare get attached to VB's family? his kids? Granted none of them live in-state other than his grandparents... and they are just adorable.  So much fear... so much potential loss again. But i've been happy.  And boy oh boy these kids are cute... but goes to show I'm not ready to be a mom yet. I already don't have the energy. 

i'm going back tonight to spend christmas eve with them all, and tomorrow VB and the kiddos are coming with me to my mom's for presents and snacks. 

12/16 Sometimes things just work out

I'm trying to ease up on the fear....

I was talking to my mom and my friend Matthew and they both pretty much said the same thing. 

my mom said that she has known a couple where the guy fell for and knew the girl was the one for him as soon as he met her. She couldn't give him the time of day for YEARS. They've been married for like... 20 years now. 

"theres no right or wrong timing". this made me feel a bit better, because while i feel like VB is sincere the fact that he met me TWICE and knew he wanted me to be his person blew my mind and didn't seem possible. mom says it is. 

Matthew was listening to a list of my fears and why i'm scared and looked me dead in the face ans "sometimes things just work out... you should let it".

So i am going to try. 

ice and iron - 12/20/19

Around my heart I have a Wall

Its made of ice and iron.

I long to open the doors to the hall

and let others freely walk in. 

I want to let the doors fall

and the fire to  burn,

but the ice only grows tall,

Around my heart I have a Wall.

I pretend I do not need anyone at all

Silence is safe, I have learned.

I surround myself within a ball,

its made of ice and iron. 

They say time is the best way to thaw

but what would melt something to stern

all alone i didn't bawl,

around my heart i have a wall

Someone of great strength could stand to haul

A ray of light to upturn

the bridge of fear that makes me stall;

its made of ice and iron. 

Please have patience, I long to call

to the ones who would seem not to turn

I whisper that maybe love can last above all,

Around my Heart I have a wall

its made of ice and iron. 

what if?

what if i replace all the negative "what ifs" with positives?

what if it helps?

what if VB is sincere about how patient he is and he isn't giving me lip service?

what it he doesn't have a major personality flaw that is detrimental to my safety?

what if he really did just have a sense of "knowing" and believes that i am the one for him?

what if his wanting "forever" isn't possessive, just hopeful?

what if he doesn't pull a 180 and leave me blind sighted?
what if he stays open minded about life?
what if i do actually start to feel a connection?

what if he doesn't hurt me?

what if he stays this light heart-ted and adoring?
what if he is really that sweet, not manipulative?

what if he doesn't randomly decide he doesn't want me anymore?

what if he doesn't get tired of me?

what if he doesn't think i'm draining and a problem?

what if he thinks i am enough?
what if i really fall in love?

what if he doesn't hurt me?

what....if he doesn't hurt me?

disconnected

I think what bothers me the most about my relationship with Viking Boy is that i feel disconnected.

He's attached (i'm attached to him, too), she sees a future with me already, wants me to meet his kids, and... while he is very sexually attracted to me there's already been one time where he wanted to sleep with me just to be close to me...

I haven't felt that yet. sex with him is just like sex with anyone.... there's no emotion involved and i don't know how to put them there. There was so much emotion when i slept with jimmie... even from the first time all the way to the last... while sex with VB is fun, it almost seems stale.

He hasn't done anything wrong... its me. I don't have the emotional investment that he does, which he says doesn't bother him, but it bothers me. I feel disconnected from him. I love being around him, I like having sex with him, I even think that i do love him... but i'm disconnected. Being disconnected changes everything and i don't know how to fix it.

I miss feeling connected to someone.

grief and love

"grief is just love with nowhere to go"

This is the most accurate statement I have ever heard.
As soon as she passed all I wanted to do was hold her... she was so small. She weighed nothing. All my love came rushing out of my eyes as tears and out of my mouth as screams. As soon as she was removed from my arms I wanted to hold her again. When we buried her I had to fight the urge to dig her back up with my hands so that I could hold her again.

I lost one of my babies and I just wanted to hold her again.

Last night she came to me in my dreams, twice. Both dreams unrelated, she came out of nowhere... once in a random bathroom, she just walked in and jumped on the counter and loved me.. she was happy and healthy; she let me hold her. The second time I was busting a hospital for doing black market shit with booth and bones (from bones) and I pulled in my favorite nurse to a side room, where we talked... and sweetpea hopped on the bed, curled up in my lap, and again, let me hold her. That time she practically jumped in my arms.

I woke up with relief.
I got to show her how much I loved her one more time.



https://www.petmd.com/dog/behavior/5-tips-help-pets-deal-grief
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-losing-a-pet.htm

slow down

So i need to have another convo with VB... he is so much farther ahead than me in terms of emotions and investment.

He says he doesn't mind, that he can tell i love him even without me saying it. He's so sure that I am the one for him that he's willing to be patient and let me go at my own pace.... however his use of the word "forever" on multiple occasions scares me. It sets of warning bells in my head, makes me feel cornered and like i'm being trapped. Makes me think of Maude/Mary and of Lauren, who lulled me into a false sense of security.... he may not be intending for it to sound or feel manipulative but since thats all i know thats how it feels.

No one likes to hear that something they say scares their partner but it needs to be said.

as an event coordinator

https://www.themuse.com/advice/im-an-event-manager-and-this-is-what-my-jobs-really-like

- Basically show up an hour early, check all sound and IT, check food, make giftbags, etc.
- the event happens; clean up
- meetings, meetings, meetings with clients, sales team/teammates about next event, marketing team about upcoming events, etc.

https://www.eventmanagerblog.com/truths-event-planner
https://communicationmgmt.usc.edu/blog/a-day-in-the-life-of-an-event-planner/




https://www.mbacentral.org/hospitality-management-mba-degrees/



https://www.owlguru.com/career/meeting-convention-and-event-planners/quiz/

https://www.owlguru.com/career/meeting-convention-and-event-planners/job-description/

game night oct 11th?

So I first met Viking boy in person Oct. 9th - a wednesday. He brought me candy and soda and just hung out with me while I did homework.

Then He stayed the night on the game night he met my friends... the 11th. Stayed with me until I went to work saturday. All we did was make out.

He stayed the night on the 14th... and we slept together. I think that was the night he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend? Or was it the 11th? LOOOOOORD.
-----


----


It was the 11th.

We had been talking for less than a week.
we had seen eachother in person twice.

Thats all it took for him to want to be with me.
Whats shocking is that... both of us don't casually date. So when he asked he was asking about a serious monogamous relationship.

two days.

how was he THAT sure, that quickly?
i wasn't totally sure I wanted to be his girlfriend until like... almost 3 weeks after that.

we even started on totally different pages.... and yet he isn't bothered that my pace is slower than his. He's so patient. 
He's so sure of our relationship...
last night he mentioned "forever"... and i felt like i got dunked in ice water. He wants to be with me "forever" and i'm over here not even sure if he will hit the 3 month trial period.
January 11th will be 3 months.
thats over a month away.

I swear he seems so perfect it makes me scared. But we've also only been together just under 2 months... talking about already forever seems fast.

I thought jimmie was perfect for me... I thought he was "the one".... I fell for him so hard.... Look how that turned out.
I don't want to end up being Dalton's jimmie.

But ive noticed similarities to how i am now and how jimmie was when we started dating. Afraid to commit. Hesitant. Still in pain from a previous relationship. Wanting the pace of things to be slower - or at least going at a slower pace than the other person.

What if i end up hurting him like how jimmie hurt me?
I'm also scared i'm going to get hurt.

I have so much fear.... And I keep waiting for him to grow unhappy at my hesitancy and fear, but i'm only met with patience and understanding.
I feel like i'm being unfair to him and I want to cut it off before he gets hurt. Or I get hurt.

But I also know that ^ that statement right there is my bipolar talking. Straight up.

How much of this anxiety is  my lizard brain and how much of it is genuine concern? (well its genuine either way but how much of it is logical and how much of it is my crazy?"
He thinks i'm perfect for him ... but how can he know? HOW can he be so sure? He doesn't know me that well... I don't know him that well.

I'm freaking out.

sex therapy 12/6/2019

So.... nows the point where the sex comes into my sex therapy.
My therapist is a behavioral therapist, that's her primary method. She and I have been tackling the brain and how it functions, why it functions, thought patterns, emotion recognition, etc. Well...

i have been having panic attacks with sex more often. It seems that the closer I get to orgasm, the more likely I am to have a panic attack. In fact, prolonged exposure to the "build up" almost certainly will send me into an attack. The build up has to be sudden and fast or non existent for me to have sex without having a panic attack. If I stay in a period of intense pleasure for too long = panic attack.

Now I have realized I have panic attacks for 2 reasons:
1) Physical/Sensation Flashback
2) I have to stop to prevent ^ and then immediately become filled with emotions of guilt, inadequacy, and uselessness... which leads to a panic attack.

I have to stop before #1 or I have to stop before I orgasm because the intensity is too much... because my brain and body think they are in danger. Always has, its why i would have to stop with Corie and she would get mad. After her my body definitely interprets it as dangerous. Certain levels of pleasure send out danger warning signals.

That being said.... my body is traumatized. My brain is for sure, but so is my body. While my therapist and I work on my brain.... Viking Boy and I need to work on my body. I have to get my body used to feeling intense pleasure, teach it that there is no danger, and essentially train it to allow me to orgasm. Here's the thing: i'm going to have to use a vibrator.

i'm scared. My brain is sending fear signals just thinking about it. Danger. Weapon. 

But I also know... this might be the only way i can actually attain orgasm. Fooling around with VB enough to become aroused, and instead of having sex we just play with eachother - we do this every so often.... Just instead of using fingers inside... we'll use the vibrater. I'm scared.... but I feel like this is honestly a much needed step to overcome my fears and anxieties.

Thank goodness VB is patient.... and really good at helping me through panic attacks...

Reservations 12/5/2019

So I asked for a reading to figure out what my reservations about Viking Boy is. I love him... but it is a pale love... a pastel love in comparison to what I am used to feeling. Its like my heart is afraid to commit to him. So I asked why...

and the bones spoke. As always, Amy's bone reading is as accurate as ever.
Amy suggested that perhaps I was hesitant because Viking Boy is so different from what I am accustomed to, compared to every other person I have dated...VB is different. So different. He is the kind of person I don't think I would have approached on my own, but not the kind of person I would instantly write off. I think the way we met was perfect because it let me get to know him before I met him - enough for me to know I for sure wanted to know him.

But he is not the kind of person I ever thought I would end up with. I am a straight laced goody-two-shoes. I know I am. I tend to have a stick up my ass when it comes to a lot of things most people are cool about. I absolutely hate weed. hate the smell, hate the taste, hate the grumpy affect it has on me. I'm a rule follower. was the teachers pet. I am high strung and scared all the time.
He gives off the "bad boy" type vibe. Walks with a confident swagger, makes it known that he is not against nor is he afraid of violence. He smokes constantly. He has a history (will not disclose). Has a gangster/hood/???? side to him and you can tell.

Not the kind of guy I thought I would end up with.

BUT

He is also sincere and honest, playful and careful never to hurt me or be too rough. He is witty and charming. He is incredibly smart and good with his hands. He genuinely cares for the people around him. He is highly empathetic and compassionate - he tries his best to give everyone a base level of respect. His outlook on life is amazing; even more positive than mine is. He's nerdy and cheeky. He likes to help others and I can tell it makes him happy to see others happy.  He is incredibly patient and sweet.

THAT IS the type of person I have always wanted to see myself with.

There is such a duality to him. He is equal parts surprise and yet oddly familiar.
His violent power is at my disposal - not directed at me, and I honestly believe it never would be.
He adores me - sincerely and without conflict or reluctance. To quote amy: "you could probably set his car on fire and he would still love you". and while I don't think that exact statement is true, I think the sentiment is correct. He adoration is unconditional.

He says he loves me. I have said it back to him, although I fear it may not be completely true. Or maybe I do but i haven't fully felt it. I adore him. I love to be around him.
I think perhaps I am scared? Scared to feel so deeply for someone again. Scared that he feels so strongly about me, sincerely, so quickly. It took him 3 days to know he wanted me as a partner. That scares me.  He already wants me to meet his son... the level of assurance he must have in our relationship... scares me. He is so sure and set on me that I feel guilty for how uneven things are.

I adore him. I want him around all the time. I miss him when he isn't here. I kind of pout when i don't hear from him during the day. i know that i have feelings for him.  But how can i overcome this fear and actually let myself commit to it? Why am afraid to really fall for him? He deserves someone that is on the same page as him, and I feel like i'm nowhere close.

Can he tell? Of course he can probably tell. How does it not bother him? Maybe it does and he just doesn't show it? I know that he is patient. Is he so patient that he is unbothered, or at least not bothered enough by my slow pace to point it out?

Do I even deserve someone as good as him?

and maybe a part of me is still holding on to the past... I don't know why... other than I literally thought i would spend the rest of my life with him. I know in my head - Dalton is better for me and in all honesty is a better person. Maybe after the cutting chord spell on saturday i will finally be able to fully let go of the past. I have never loved anyone as much as i loved jimmie. Maybe i'm scared i never will again? And thats why i'm struggling... whats the point of trying to fall in love again if it won't be at the same level? 

But how can it get to that level if i won't even allow it time to grow? I keep forgetting that my feelings for jimmie grew for 4 years. I owe VB that opportunity. I can't expect a new love thats only been alive for like 2 months  to compare to what grew over 4 years. 

Maybe i'm worried my own curse will kick in and he won't make it past the 3rd month?

Maiden mother crone 12/5/2019

So in wicca there is the triple goddess aspect called maiden mother crone. 

As someone who briefly started out in Wicca I still follow that aspect... only I don't believe it has to be one goddess. 

I believe that there is a path that every woman (and man) follows, a triple aspect: maiden/boy, mother/father - warrior - woman/man, and followed by crone/elder. 

Now the last part has more to do with experience rather than age. 

I am approaching the mother part of my life - I am not a mother nor do I think I will become one anytime soon; however, Instinctually i am becoming more maternal and BOY DO I HAVE BABY FEVER. 

The same can be said about teenagers who get pregnant. Just having the child doesn't always initiate the mother/father aspect of life - its a mental place, not a physical one. Until An individual is mentally at a place where they are ready to care for another, then they will remain in the maiden/boy part of life. 

OR

If parental instinct are not present, then there is the "warrior" option, which essentially just means an instinctively protective maturity. For those that don't like the label of "warrior" there is also woman/man - The second phase of life is just about maturity. 

The Crone/Elder phase of life is all about wisdom and experience. You can have a 25 year old military verteran that has aged beyond his years and become an elder. You can have a 30 year old recovered addict in her crone phase. 

Maiden/Boy - innocence, experimental, young or immature

Mother/Father/Warrior - Maturity. Looking at the world through new eyes, ready to "grow up"

Crone/Elder - Wisdom, experience, ready to teach others about LIFE.

I personally feel it is important to have a balanced paneon to those who are polythiestic if you choose to work with multiple gods.  I feel like their should be a deity to represent each phase of life, each element, each season, life/creation and death ... Everything is a cycle and it is important to honor and represent that spiritually. 

Maiden: Aine - spring - water (I worship Aine in her maiden mermaid form)

Mother/Father - Demeter/Cernunnos - earth (Cernnuons shows himself to me as a green man but not an elderly one) 

Warrior: Brigid - fire / Queen Mab - Air

Crone/Elder: to be determined (I feel like this will eventually be the Morrigan because I do not have any deities of death in my pantheon... it is incomplete and unbalanced atm)

Oak tree (poem for VB)

My heart is weak,

having gone through trials to get to you, 

strong like an oaktree.

I have scorched feet,

I walked through fire, felt the heat too. 

My heart is Weak. 

The rivers of love had torn through me,

I carefully tread into something new,

strong like an oak tree.

How can I know for sure it is your heart I seek,

having gone through what I went through,

My heart is weak.

My heart beats hesitantly, yet eagerly

You are safe, with calmness in waves  - sweet and true,

Strong like an oak tree. 

With you something now can grow free,

with time and lots of patience, soon -

My heart is weak

- strong like an oak tree. 

Shot through the heart 12/4/19

Facebook memories and snapchat have been doing those dumb "this time las year" reminders... and It keep s showing me happy times with Jimmie. Really makes me wonder.. how long had things been bad and I didn't know? Why the sudden steep decline at the end? Frankly I think our relationship was solidified with a shared mushroom trip... and I think that bad trip is what killed us. But before that... He had been having doubts. He had been having doubts since before our year mark... back in August of  '18 when he threw me.  In his drunken blacked out state he acted on subconscious impulses - he didn't want to be with me. He wanted me gone. I shouldn't have let him talk me into staying.. I should of left. Maybe then we would have been able to actually have a normal friendship... instead I stayed, dedicated myself to him, and got my heart obliterated. Now we are this... awkward "i'm your friend but I can't be around you at all"... at least on my end. 

I miss what we had whenever I see him. I like what I have with Viking Boy but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss my relationship with Jimmie... a lot. But I don't know if its just the relationship.. or if its him too. Because I don't know if I would go back to him now. With the way things are now... I don't think I would. friends with benefits maybe, but i do think i have fallen out of love with him. 

I say that but then I see him and my body instinctively goes back to muscle memory where every hug was followed by a kiss. He came over last night to pop my neck and help relieve my migraine... and we hugged a few times. I'd forgotten how perfectly I fit in his arms... how comfortable he is. But that's just on a physical level. I miss the physicality of our relationship. I miss the level of connection we had.. one that took almost 4 years to build. 

I have to let go. I have let go.. but nostalgia keeps bringing it all back. I miss what we had but its gone. Its going to stay gone as far as i am concerned and I need (and want) to see what kind of new thing will grow with Viking Boy. 

Just because the love is paler and weaker in this new relationship doesn't mean it isn't love... its just new love. The love I had with Jimmie had been fully developed. It had been consuming. This new one is slow and steady... it is earth compared to fire. I deserve to let this grow because won't burn me.  Viking Boy won't hurt me. He wouldn't put a hand to me and He would probably beat anyone who even threatened to do so within an inch of their life. 

He is strong and secure and safe... like an oak tree. I may miss the fire intensity and the sweeping of the current of what I had in the past... but In this I am supported wholeheartedly, with no disdain or  reluctance - and I am safe from being burned; In this I am stable, not being tossed to and fro in a rapids of emotion. 

I simply need to have patience... I need to give the oak tree time to grow and  - hopefully- it will outlast the past. 

Budgeting again with better #

Okay I get 380 a week. 380x 4 =1520.

1500$ a month. 

FIXED BILLS not including rent 

Car payment - 225
Car Insurance - 100
Health insurance - 70
Phone - 55
Credit - 50
Student Loan - 50
Internet - 35
Utilities - 80 --> could be higher because bad insulation 
Savings: 100
-----------------
765
-1500


735
- 50 gas
- 20 for Smokey 
-250 food 
————

415 for rent.

400-350 for safety net.

Sweetpea

Sweetpea died today.

I woke up and found her barley able to breathe.

I made phone calls.
I took her to the vet.
She died in my arms.

I am a wreck.

My old lady is no longer with me.

I have cried so much today, I can barley remember today in its completion.

Sweetpea is gone.

She’s gone away.

I can still feel how small she was when I held her for the last time.
She looked so peaceful, like she was just sleeping, in the box we buried her in.

We planted irises over her grave.

18 years with her.... and now she’s gone.

financial aid budgeting

so i'm getting 3600 back this spring because i surprisingly got a scholarship.

-300 fucking textbooks because one is a goddamn ECU custom made one.
- 1,400 in savings right away. This covers the move in july as well as taxes i'm going to owe. Also need to save up for regular maintenance on the honda to keep my warranty.
- 550 for a new laptop. This one is literally  on its last life, I will be lucky if it makes it till January.
- 300 bank account
- 40 chevy rotary  - mom has a guy who can put it on.
-------------------------------------
1000 --> Credit Card... this won't pay it off but will help make a dint.



Laptops to consider:
https://store.acer.com/en-us/laptops?gclid=CjwKCAiArJjvBRACEiwA-Wiqq7gMrVWalq7psY-TJBOSeKVKEZRHrPWneaEM35idggXVeZq7Gmc23BoCsA0QAvD_BwE&operating_system%5B0%5D=Windows+10+Home&operating_system%5B1%5D=Windows+10+S&processor_manufacturer=Intel%C2%AE&processor_type%5B0%5D=Intel%C2%AE+Core%E2%84%A2+i3&processor_type%5B1%5D=Intel%C2%AE+Core%E2%84%A2+i5&processor_type%5B2%5D=Intel%C2%AE+Core%E2%84%A2+i7&product_list_limit=25

https://www.google.com/shopping/product/9314483640643770884/reviews?lsf=seller:7933,store:13588881624608651932,s:h&q=Lenovo+IdeaPad+720S&hl=en&lsft=cm_mmc:PLA-_-Google-LIA-_-1499148381-_-8821010-VQ6-399564100009-VQ16-c-VQ17-pla-VQ18-local-VQ20-339972931843-VQ21-279&lsft=gclid:CjwKCAiArJjvBRACEiwA-Wiqq4r0RePSDfjnRkIrNzoCylM0VC8oHOiTvq4jTD7_rmA2OCdsEbwAXhoCiNoQAvD_BwE,gclsrc:aw.ds&prds=cid:9314483640643770884,oid:3754106452885291259,rate:4,rnum:10,sgro:or&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjKp7eFgJrmAhVHUt8KHSgtADgQn08IKCgC

failed.

I failed Accounting.

I made another 33 on the final....

And this time i wasn't distracted by having just quit my job.

I studied for the test. I focused on what I was doing and did the math carefully.

I still made a 33.


so my grades as they stand:

exam 1 - 25% - 82
exam 2 - 25% - 43
Final - 25% - 33
homework - 15% - 89
discussion boards - 10% - 4? If that? It was kind of screwy the way this part worked.

meaning my grade is: a 55.86

now she puts us against the class average, not against a 100.

so if the highest grade in the class is a 88? then i'm 55.86/88 = 63.4
 I need a 73 minumum to pass the class.

55/x = 73/100

The highest average would need to be a 75 for me to get that grade.... The class average is already a 76 before homework gets added in.


I have failed my first class. ever.
I fucking hate this feeling.

Budgeting

okay so after i pay rent tomorrow i will have 200$ to my name.

but thankfully i don't think i have any big bills coming up until AFTER pay day.

I also have like $40 worth of the vending machine money from work i can use to buy little microwave meals.
SO
**** Super cheap things that are also very fillinh:
- popcorn
-eggs (throw out the bad ones in the fridge - good lord) - also good in ramen
- sriracha to season chicken and fish...

-$25





tuesday:
-$25 tire :(
soup for lunch (rest of the brocoli) and kale salad after exams --> study for stats test 8 hours
eat leftover thanksgiving food for dinner

wednesday
Lentil soup for lunch
Cook some fish in a pan with butter, lime juice, and  rice.
study for stats test - 2 hours

Thursday
Birthday: little microwave meal for lunch-5
Study for stats test - 2 hours - visit with Jimmie
dinner: little steaks! (see if VB will pick up a veggie or starch) VB treating me to dinner = leftovers
Frozen? Cuddles - enjoy some boyfriend time

Friday: PAY DAY +$200 = now have 350 in account.
PRINT FORMULA SHEETS FOR EXAM
Soup for lunch
leftovers for dinner --> boil some eggs for lunch tomorrow
study for stats test - 4 hours

7th Saturday:
EXAM T_T
lunch: eggs and popcorn --> clean and nap. --> BOYFRIEND <3
Cake at Matthews place ---> sugar coma this shit.
Dinner at the bar: limit budget: $25 in drinks and food - 5 tip = $30 night.


8th Sunday:
lunch?
Dinner at mom's.
- 50 phone bill

9th Monday:
Little microwave meal-5
take out one of the little steaks at lunch and slice it thin thin - eat in bowl of ramen.

10th Tuesday:
little microwave meal -5
Cook some chicken (if I have any) in the sweet chili sauce with lime and serve with Asian noodles in broth.


11th Wednesday



12 Thursday



13th Firday PAYDAY + 300
- 50 credit
-30 because I need to get gas at some point
- microwave meal-5
- VB over for dinner --> last 2 little steaks?