Facebook memories and snapchat have been doing those dumb "this time las year" reminders... and It keep s showing me happy times with Jimmie. Really makes me wonder.. how long had things been bad and I didn't know? Why the sudden steep decline at the end? Frankly I think our relationship was solidified with a shared mushroom trip... and I think that bad trip is what killed us. But before that... He had been having doubts. He had been having doubts since before our year mark... back in August of '18 when he threw me. In his drunken blacked out state he acted on subconscious impulses - he didn't want to be with me. He wanted me gone. I shouldn't have let him talk me into staying.. I should of left. Maybe then we would have been able to actually have a normal friendship... instead I stayed, dedicated myself to him, and got my heart obliterated. Now we are this... awkward "i'm your friend but I can't be around you at all"... at least on my end.
I miss what we had whenever I see him. I like what I have with Viking Boy but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss my relationship with Jimmie... a lot. But I don't know if its just the relationship.. or if its him too. Because I don't know if I would go back to him now. With the way things are now... I don't think I would. friends with benefits maybe, but i do think i have fallen out of love with him.
I say that but then I see him and my body instinctively goes back to muscle memory where every hug was followed by a kiss. He came over last night to pop my neck and help relieve my migraine... and we hugged a few times. I'd forgotten how perfectly I fit in his arms... how comfortable he is. But that's just on a physical level. I miss the physicality of our relationship. I miss the level of connection we had.. one that took almost 4 years to build.
I have to let go. I have let go.. but nostalgia keeps bringing it all back. I miss what we had but its gone. Its going to stay gone as far as i am concerned and I need (and want) to see what kind of new thing will grow with Viking Boy.
Just because the love is paler and weaker in this new relationship doesn't mean it isn't love... its just new love. The love I had with Jimmie had been fully developed. It had been consuming. This new one is slow and steady... it is earth compared to fire. I deserve to let this grow because won't burn me. Viking Boy won't hurt me. He wouldn't put a hand to me and He would probably beat anyone who even threatened to do so within an inch of their life.
He is strong and secure and safe... like an oak tree. I may miss the fire intensity and the sweeping of the current of what I had in the past... but In this I am supported wholeheartedly, with no disdain or reluctance - and I am safe from being burned; In this I am stable, not being tossed to and fro in a rapids of emotion.
I simply need to have patience... I need to give the oak tree time to grow and - hopefully- it will outlast the past.
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