sex therapy 12/6/2019

So.... nows the point where the sex comes into my sex therapy.
My therapist is a behavioral therapist, that's her primary method. She and I have been tackling the brain and how it functions, why it functions, thought patterns, emotion recognition, etc. Well...

i have been having panic attacks with sex more often. It seems that the closer I get to orgasm, the more likely I am to have a panic attack. In fact, prolonged exposure to the "build up" almost certainly will send me into an attack. The build up has to be sudden and fast or non existent for me to have sex without having a panic attack. If I stay in a period of intense pleasure for too long = panic attack.

Now I have realized I have panic attacks for 2 reasons:
1) Physical/Sensation Flashback
2) I have to stop to prevent ^ and then immediately become filled with emotions of guilt, inadequacy, and uselessness... which leads to a panic attack.

I have to stop before #1 or I have to stop before I orgasm because the intensity is too much... because my brain and body think they are in danger. Always has, its why i would have to stop with Corie and she would get mad. After her my body definitely interprets it as dangerous. Certain levels of pleasure send out danger warning signals.

That being said.... my body is traumatized. My brain is for sure, but so is my body. While my therapist and I work on my brain.... Viking Boy and I need to work on my body. I have to get my body used to feeling intense pleasure, teach it that there is no danger, and essentially train it to allow me to orgasm. Here's the thing: i'm going to have to use a vibrator.

i'm scared. My brain is sending fear signals just thinking about it. Danger. Weapon. 

But I also know... this might be the only way i can actually attain orgasm. Fooling around with VB enough to become aroused, and instead of having sex we just play with eachother - we do this every so often.... Just instead of using fingers inside... we'll use the vibrater. I'm scared.... but I feel like this is honestly a much needed step to overcome my fears and anxieties.

Thank goodness VB is patient.... and really good at helping me through panic attacks...