Loud

 

Days like today are when I describe my current state as Loud. 

I have so much stress physically held in my body that sex alone wasn't enough. I think I need to find some way for my body to truly relax... so i can cry. And i don't mean the leaky eye thing I did with Amy in the car. I mean... Screaming. Body wracking sobs. I need to cry until the stress has literally left my body through my eyes and voice. 

I've tried alcohol. Either I haven't had enough or it doesn't work the way i need it to. 

My emotions are loud. So many emotions. 

My thoughts are loud. 

I want pills. 

I want the sweet numbing of the brain. 

The drug induced relaxation that will allow my shoulders to un-tense and maybe the massive knots to release. 

The lowering of my emotional intensity. 

Calm.

Warm. 

Soft. 

Comfortable.

Thats what I want. Its what i need. 

I am struggling to stay sober. 

Instead. Partially to my determination to remain sober (and my momma didn't raise a quitter) and partially to the fact that I don't want to blow money on pills....

I'm going to find a new drug of choice. 

Adrenaline. 

My body is stressed. I need to scream. I need physical release...

how do I do that?

Roller coasters. 

I know this is a global pandemic. But for the sake of my sobriety and mental health - goddamit I need release. 

So I impulsively bought a year pass to busch gardens. 

I can go as many fucking times a year as I want. I get 10% off on food. The events they have are limited in time to 4 hours. I can literally take a day trip every weekend if I need to. 

I'll go by myself if no one else can go with me (although tickets are only $35 and I have free parking). I need to learn to be more independant anyway. Plus I have WANTED a pass for a while but was always reluctant to go by myself and so I havn't been for 3 years.

I won't wait on other people anymore. 

I am going to take care of myself. 

I am going to survive and get through everything no matter what the doctors say. 

I will go to different doctors if these ones won't try to help me. 

I will deal with the emotional stress and make up for the lack of daily long walks by walking miles at the park. 

and in the meantime?

I'm going to drink. 

I am going to write poetry. 

I am going to scream into the voice and sob in my car. 

I hate when my brain gets loud.