Unload.

Okay so I'm just gonna unload. 

ya know why? This is my blog and i'm aloud.

and I just kinda am getting to the point that I'm so blocked up with emotion that I can't even scream. 

(hence the roller coaster date I have with myself this weekend)

Whats going on:

• Grief; I have so much COMPOUNDED grief that I can't seem to dislodge it. It's like I need emotional surgery. 
• Jimmie. 
• Change in friendships. 
• My mom moving away. 
• Viking Boy. 
• VB's kids. 
• The Pregnancy scare I had. Mourning what could have been. 
• I have SO MUCH sadness in me over everything that has happened that I feel like I am permanently crying on the inside and that is exhausting.
• Stress; 
• School (more on that in a second). 
• Worrying about Cara. 
• I'm not able to walk 2-4 times a week so now I have all that energy still in my body and that's stressing me the fuck out. 
• I'm stressed because of this goddamned pandemic and not being able to DO things. 
• Stress about relationships (more on that in a second). 
• Stressed about work - more accurately being so bored and still is stressing me out. 
• I'm stressed about my health. 
• I'm stressed about my biological baby clock ticking down. I'm 25. This is the prime age to have children and i'm nowhere near a place in my life when that is possible. 
• Relationships: 
• I'm lonely - and there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I'm okay with being alone. I don't mind being home and watching tv by myself. I don't mind going to the gym by myself. I don't mind going to the store alone or spending time alone... but I'm lonely. Even when I'm with my friends I feel lonely. 
• The only person who makes loneliness disappear is Viking Boy - and even that's only some of the time. Not to mention the FUCKTON of confusing emotions I have towards that man. I have so much love for him... but i'm not INLOVE with him. But i'm still jealous and want to be around him all the time. I know its like a mix of acceptance and denial all at once or something.. and I know that I'm going to be heartbroken again when he finds someone else. GREIF. 
• Being lonely drains me of energy and makes it to where I don't have the energy to hang around new people... which leads into my next issue.
• Stress about Dating; 
• I don't have the fucking energy to entertain all of these people that want to date me. I have 3 people that I owe coffee dates to; correction I don't OWE them anything but I have canceled coffee dates with them and they still want to/keep asking me about it. 
• I've canceled on Webber three times already because I don't have the energy. I don't know if he wants to date me or is wanting to hang out as a friend.... I mean I know but he hasn't explicitly said so, so i'm denying it. 
• Having conversations with people who are interested in me is exhausting on my already depleted energy. But at the same time.... i'm fucking LONELY and the only way to get past that is connect to someone. its a fucking cycle and its giving me anxiety. 
• I just want one person I can connect to on a semi-romantic level to be with me when I'm lonely. But I can't force it and if the interest isn't there right away... then it's just not. 
• but I HATE rejecting people. 
• With all of this stuff draining me of my energy and spoons... I HAVE NO MOTIVATION. 
• I have no motivation to clean my apartment - its so dirty its stressing me out but I don't have the energy or motivation to do anything about it. 
• I have no motivation to go to work (I do it anyway). 
• I have no motivation to eat. 
• No motivation to drink. 
• No motivation to do school work. 
• School; 
• School is stressful. 
• add on the lack of motivation to do ANYTHING and trying to stay focused to read 100+ pages of school work a week and write 3-4 papers.... stressful. 
• Not to mention... I graduated this semester. I have no real idea about what I am going to do. Where I am going to go. I crave fulfillment but I don't even know what will bring that to me. I feel like with graduation so close I have to have an answer... and i don't. its STRESSING ME OUT. 
• Emotional regulation and impulse control; With all of this going on I am finding it harder and harder to regulate my emotions. 
• My internal voice is screaming and freaking out all the time and it is a constant STRUGGLE to make sure my outward behavior and actions do not mirror that. It honestly makes me just want to drink or SOMETHING so I either 1) don't feel or think about any of it or 2) have an excuse to go a little crazy. 

Oh to add: my car needs expensive repairs. Again. AGAIN. 

and I don't know what to do about any of it.