Haunted - PTSD Poem

 Haunted

I remember blackening vision... freezing cold, my skin exposed.  

my body still as the fear took hold,

my lungs aching as they begged for air

and I could not inhale to provide it. 

the ice radiating from the cold appliance that she ran up and down my legs

before prying them apart;

Tried as I might, my frozen body watched helplessly as they fell to the side and 

I lied there open; my mouth sewn shut, invisible thread and chains holding me hostage.

I begged to leave this place, unable to watch it happen, a broken mind complied and all goes dark.

Now as I lay beneath a warm body, in raptures, 

the heat of their touch welling up inside me as it grows to fruition, 

I feel a prick of pain and my world is once again cold and dark, 

I am back in chains and ice. 

I will my haunted mind to exorcise the memory, 

let me lie with this love. I am safe. 

But no longer is it their gentle hands that are inside me, 

she has clawed her way from the shadows and possessed me once more. 

The cat holding my tongue with sharp claws sunken deep into the flesh

hissing that if I open my mouth to cry out

"something is wrong" "I need to stop" "this hurts" "i don't want to do this anymore!"

I will have ruined everything and it will all be my fault. 

My mind screams silently, salt water burns my eyes like acid as I bite down.

I try to hide my wimpers of pain into the pillow and will my body to comply. 

I love this person, I can't ruin this. The heat of pain and pleasure is too much, but

it is only as my body violently shakes, racked with sobs, that I force the word out of my mouth.

"venus!"

I lie there trapped between worlds, 

the warm embrace of a lover pulling me back to the land of the living 

while my mind is stuck in the past. My eyes see everything and nothing. 

I've ruined it. They will leave now, and once again I will be alone in the dark

chained in ice with her ghost. 

Unsure of whether it is safer to die in the darkness, 

my body shakes and my soul struggles to break free. 

At last I see light and warmth returns to my limbs, 

I move trembling fingers, encircling them in the ropes of my lover's hair,

burrowing, I breathe them in; their presence giving me life. 

"You're okay. I'm right here. You are safe." 

The warm and gentle words caress my ears, wrapping my mind in a weighted blanket. 

my eyes pleadingly search their face, still needing proof that not all is lost.

"I'm not mad."

Those words banish the remnants of her from my mind and body.

limp and quiet, I remember the promise from my goddess

no longer need I fear the hands of a lover,

Still I wonder, how long will I be haunted?

*********

i am so incredibly frustrated. This poem came to my while I was doign some bindery work and was unable to write it down as the words presented themselves. This is but a hollow attempt at recreating what I could remember. I wish I could have spoken and recorded the poem in its original diction but my boss was meeting with customers in the same room. 

so so so frusrating.