mixed feelings

 Mixed feelings

It is not uncommon for me to question my attachments when I make new friends as to the nature of my affections; is this a squish (when you REALLY like someone in a platonic way) or a crush (when you REALLY like someone in a romantic way)? Generally all I am aware of is that I feel really affectionate for the person in question. 

It becomes even more of a question as to how I feel when the new friend is queer. 

It is so odd that when I make queer friends that i just absolutely love, I want to kiss them or feel comfortable with the idea of it. It's not sexual in nature at all. It's not like I want to jump into bed with them, although i'm not sure how I would react if that was poised. #thankyoutrauma 

But I've recently grown really close with 3 queer friends, like really close. Especially with 2 of them. One I really enjoy just cuddling with and holding hands, platonic love is there. If they wanted kisses? For sure would provide, but it is definitely a platonic love/attraction. 

The other has an energy about them that has caused me some confusion... I experience sensual attraction to them that makes me question if it is a crush or just a squish. 

I get along with the third and I feel more of a platonic affection for them, although depending which alter is fronting that can change to a sensual attraction as well. 

Confusion. 

Platonic is blatant friendship. 

When sensual attraction gets mixed in... it's still a friendship for sure, but then I do not know if I am developing a crush or not. I am in confusion. 

I don't think I am developing romantic feelings but I definitely have a lot of love for them. I am comfortable with the idea of cuddling, kissing, etc. but I still feel platonic affection at the moment. It could also be a power dynamic thing too... this person is a dominant and its been a while since I had someone I could be bratty with even platonically and just for fun. 

lots of mixed feelings.