Crystal Mirror Prompt

 Reflective journal/shadow work

Who or what is triggering you? What is it in you that they are triggering?

- Cara - even though I have all but removed her negative influence from my life she is still a trigger for me. I feel shame at how I treated her when I was younger and unstable, and anger that she used that shame to hurt me even after we had talked about it and put it in the past. The fact that she wishes failure on me and was excited to see me fail still hurts me, her manipulation and venomous countenance still bites at me even though i'm no longer open to hear it. 

I also mourn the relationship that I thought I would have with her; there was a period of about a year where we actually seemed to be doing better. I got my hopes up about - not being *close* but at least having a relationship with her. I am sad that it never got to be. I'm also proud of myself for finally closing myself off from her toxicity.

 As much as she hates my grandmother she is a lot like her. From how my grandmother treated Cara and my mom, Cara demonstrates a lot of it. Verbal and emotional abuse/manipulation, chronic victim syndrome, narcissistic characteristics (although caras is followed by deep pits of low self esteem which leans more toward histrionic personality disorder than full narcissism), neglect (my grandmother neglected my mom, Cara neglects her pets). They both say hurtful things for the sake of hurting the other person and feeling powerful/better about themselves. Both brag about being able to cut off family members. (I'm still laughing at how Cara thought cutting me out of her life would be a punishment.) I may have inherited my grandmother's mental illness; but Cara inherited some of her toxicity too. 

- Jimmie - Seeing Jimmie at the drag show and him now knowing I work at them has triggered some of my ptsd symptoms. I have become hypervigilant. I am depressed. I found something that brought me genuine joy and now it feels as though it's been tainted. I feel angry that my safe space has been invaded. I feel rage that he continued to make a point to show he wanted to talk to me; giving me the kicked puppy look that actually makes me want to kick him in the face. I caught him aiming his phone at me when he thought I wasn't looking; it was in the opposite direction of the performer. Anytime I would go outside it seemed he and his group would too. When I came back inside to avoid him... low and behold they would too. His very presence there makes me want to scream. 

- Viking Boy - I am not in love with him anymore; the cord cutting worked. I am still sleeping with him on occasion but I do not crave intimacy with him the way I used to. While the cuddling we do seems to be more sincere than before, the intimacy from sex feels hollow. It makes me lonely. Being around him in a friendly capacity is fine, but when things become more than platonically intimate it feels nice in the moment but leaves me feeling empty. I miss being in love, and the love I use to feel for him nt being there while our actions seem to mimic it makes me sad. I long to have a partner. FwB works better for us than dating ever did; and I am fine with that. But it just reminds me why fwb situations never last for me. I miss that connection. I go through phases where I'm fine with how things are and then again I'll feel lonely; then I'm fine again. This is just a lonely phase.  

With seeing Jimmie more often, I seem to see him driving around town all the time now, and dealing with my rollercoaster of emotions with Viking Boy, I keep revisiting the best and worst part of my relationship with both men. It leaves me with a strong desire to find something that keeps the best parts but is better even during its low points. I have strong desires for certain things in my next relationship and yet I feel utterly hopeless at finding it. I can't picture myself with another ma - in fact most men make me want to just run the other direction;  I can't picture myself with a woman; I can't picture myself with anyone... and I know some of this is the depression talking but as important as romance is to me.. it's just an empty hole right now. It hurts and there is no way to fill it. 

- Work - I am miserable at my job. If I have learned anything from working at PIP its that while I enjoy financial stability; I hate having a 9-5. I like having a regular schedule but I miss having varied timed shifts. I would rather work 3 12 hour shifts, or 4 10 hour shifts and have more days off. Or I'd rather work earlier in the morning/later at night and have more time off during the day. I miss interacting with a wide spectrum of people and developing relationships with them. I miss the freedom of working in the service industry. If I could get assurance that I would make enough money to get by and be comfortable I would return to bartending in a heartbeat. I am very very tempted to apply for a bartending/serving job at a burger joint rather than take the comfy bank job. The bank job would give me more stability and my weekends off but the bartending job would give me more time during the day and the freedom to be more relaxed and true to myself in my appearance. In either case I will be doing burlesque. 

But the 9-5 jobs make me feel stuck, suffocated, bored, and miserable. I want to actually WORK when I'm at work... not sit and do nothing for 3-6 hours a day. I would rather be overworked than understimulated. I don't need something complicated to do, but I need SOMETHING to do. At least someplace that lets me read or write or research in my free time without threat of being fired. 

I feel like there is no happy medium, I have an ultimatum... choose a job that will provide greater happiness or choose a job that will provide financial stability. There are no in betweens .. not in Greenville, anyway. 

- Location - I want to leave Greenville. This mostly stems from the desire to  not be one of those people that never leave their hometown and the fact that I feel stuck here. I feel like the people here are limited; I have limited opportunities for finding a relationship that actually suits me, I feel like I'm stuck in bad habits and changing locations could help me break them. It's like I'm stuck in an endless loop while I'm here and I want to break the cycle. I also love the water and ocean and the idea of living on the coast. I want to find a more accepting and varied community. I want more queer folk. I want more pagans. I want more kindness. I am so tired of all the ignorance here - although I know it's an issue that runs deep in America, not just this city. I long for a more progressive environment.. It's stagnant here. And now all of my money I had saved up to move to Wilmington is gone. 

I know things happen for a reason. Either I am not meant to move to Wilmington or it was the wrong time for it. But without a plan to leave I have no plans for the future. My present moment seems hopeless, chaotic, and lost... the future is what I was clinging to. Although I suppose it was naive and romantic of me to think that just changing locations would help me overcome my undisciplined lifestyle issues with my health and spirituality, I also hoped maybe finding others like me would help me get better. Greenville is so limited. I don't know how much longer I will stay here so I don't know what plans to make. I'm just lost. and it's triggering hopelessness within me. 

What part of you longs to be witnessed? 

This is a loaded question and I do not yet know how to answer that. It will require greater reflection.