Bonding

 Okay so my therapist made me feel a bit better about not being able to bond and form attachments very easily. 

Essentially, there is nothing "wrong" that needs "fixing" when it comes to fearful-attachment; its just something to keep in mind when patterns emerge. 

as for my inability to attach to people, that is because I feel like there is no bond. I have only ever known trauma bonding.  

"Trauma bonding is when a deep attachment develops from a cycle of physical and/or emotional abuse or trauma followed by positive reinforcement. Trauma bonds most commonly develop in romantic relationships, and leaving these relationships can be very hard."

""A trauma bond develops in relationships where there is a power imbalance and a cycle of reward and punishment."

When all you know is a cycle of rollercoaster emotions, with extreme highs and lows, when that is lacking and instead replaced with a very slow and steady pattern of behavior it is perceived as boring and none existent. 

All (highs and lows) or Nothing is what i feel when it comes to bonding with other people. 

I do have relationships in my life that are not trauma bonds, but they took a VERY long time to develop, and usually developed while I was trauma bonded to someone else; helping me cope.

I don't have a trauma bond up here - so there is no give and take to keep me attached to someone. I don't have a trauma bond to need help with dealing with to help me attach to friends. 

I am have to learn how to bond with people in a healthy way... which apparently means slowly. very slowly. 

Essentially I need a frog in hot water kind of bond. it heats up slowly and without me noticing it until boom - I realize I actually care about a person.